My wife of 15 years (partner of 21.5 years) is leaving me, ostensibly because I never validated her feelings and therefore she emotionally shut down. We also had a contentious relationship with lots of fighting and resentment. Far from ideal, but also lots of good stuff: rewarding careers, 2 small children (D6 and S2), loving family, financial security, beautiful home, etc. Six weeks ago she told me she was extremely unhappy and wanted out. Ten days ago she asked for a separation.
About a week before the separation, she told be she had spoken to a male friend who she had known in elementary school (4th grade)! I now strongly suspect, but have only indirect evidence, that she is leaving me for this guy. I asked her about it directly last night. She acknowledges that talking with him was a "catalyst" in leaving me, but says he's in another relationship and there is no affair. She says she has not met him (he lives out of state) and only talks to him rarely. I frankly do not believe her. When I asked if she had feelings for him, there was just a long pause. I said "That means yes" and she did not deny it. When I asked if he had expressed feelings for her, another long pause, same thing: that means yes.
So it appears my wife may be leaving me, in part at least, to have an affair with a man she has not even seen for 34 years. I am simply dumbfounded. Until now, I had my doubts as to whether my wife was in some sort of midlife crisis, but now it seems obvious. Please comment, but this looks like classic replay behavior. When she first told me about this guy, she said it was nice to communicate with someone who knew her when she was young and innocent, before life had dealt her some cruel and unfair blows. Now I see this affair as her way of trying to go back and recapture that feeling and replay that part of her life.
There was also a lot of stuff on the MLC archives that applied really directly to my situation, especially the stuff about my not validating her feelings. Snodderly's old posts talk about how the MLCer often experienced some sort of abandonment or emotional trauma as a child, during which time their pain and suffering was not validated and sometimes not even noticed or acknowledged. This is definitely true of my W, whose Dad abandoned her Mom when she was 6 for another woman. My W also had other trauma as a teenager that was not noticed by anyone, since her family were all too absorbed in their own struggles to live in the single-parent, post-divorce life.
Anyway, I'd appreciate your comments on my sitch. At some level, it helps to think my wife is in a MLC because then I don't take all the blame as a horrible husband. But knowing this is a MLC does not lessen the pain, loneliness, sense of loss or despair we feel. And it does nothing for my precious, innocent little children, whose lives are about to be turned upside down by separation and possible divorce. They don't even know what's in store for them, and it just kills me to be around them and have to pretend all is well until we can figure out the logistics of the separation.
I think the chances for reconciliation with my wife are very slim. She offers basically no hope, says her feelings have changed and can't imagine them changing back, says she's hopeless about our relationship dynamics ever changing, says all she can remember are fights and bad memories, etc. etc.
I feel real compassion for her obvious pain and confusion, but it is mixed with anger as well as sadness, etc. I know my only hope is to let her go on her journey and to be patient, to persevere, and to give her unconditional love as if she were a friend. I will try, but if she has an affair, I don't know whether I will be able to forgive.
This is all so awful, and there are so many of us going through it. I can't believe we are all living this nightmare, and I can't believe it might last for years and still end in divorce.
Sounds to me like you're pretty up to speed on the whole MLC situation and what is left to us as the spouses on the outs.
Don't know all your sitch, but sounds like it could be MLC. Of course, she could just be fed up and ready for a change too. Not sure that it matters much in the end, your approach won't be much different.
You said many correct things, and that's good because that means you won't be like many who first come here all full of piss and vinegar wanting to save their dying marriage. If this is MLC, she just took off on the train through Hell and trust me, you don't want to ride on that puppy.
Separations don't scare me all that much, don't think they should you either. You will read of many on here who have their MLC'er still in the house and that doesn't sound like much fun to me. Of course being separated means finances and child visitation becomes an issue, but if she's reasonably sane other than her desire for her 4th grade boyfriend, you can probably work those things out.
One thing her being gone does, is lessen the chance that you will do stupid things to try to win her back. MLC'ers don't typically like to talk about their marriage. The marriage is the bad thing that made their life miserable, so talking about it is bad. They also don't really want to hear about how much you love them, because they don't love you right now and you might make them feel guilty for that. MLC'ers HATE guilty, they don't do it well at all.
Unconditional love is good. Do you know what it means? You love, you give, you are kind, you love some more, you give some more, you are kind some more, and they will reciprocate NONE of this. I repeat NONE. In fact, just to make it interesting they may choose to spew some toxic venom at you for being so good an loving unconditionally.
I sound kind of crazy, but that's ok, because everything about MLC is absolutely stark raving mad. In fact a good rule of thumb is to take whatever it is that you think you should do, flip it inside out and do that. I should make that a bumper sticker, but I digress.
There are many awesome people on this particular thread who have been through long, long, long stretches of MLC madness, and they will help you as long as you're not as thick as a brick. They have seen this time and time again, so they're really not looking to watch another poor soul go through the same agony all over again just because they refused to believe that not returning a phone call was a good idea. Listen to them, they will help and they will encourage you.
Read more. You've already done some it sounds like. Knowledge is helpful with MLC, particularly understanding how depression fits in to all this it seems. And prepare for madness, because you my friend have just chosen to climb down the rabbit hole and life will never be the same again.
More later.
Chin up.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
This is all so awful, and there are so many of us going through it. I can't believe we are all living this nightmare, and I can't believe it might last for years and still end in divorce.
Yeah, it sux. I know you're all over the map with how you feel (today I'm in the New Zealand ;)). I keep hearing that it will get better and I move forward to that day. The most valuable thing I do for myself is move forward towards my goals (very hard). It takes conscious effort everyday. I walk alot and try to clear my head so that I can think about what I want. It gives me some comfort to know that most A's (EA or PA) don't make them happy (not really). That their too messed up to find what their looking for.
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Anyway, I'd appreciate your comments on my sitch. At some level, it helps to think my wife is in a MLC because then I don't take all the blame as a horrible husband. But knowing this is a MLC does not lessen the pain, loneliness, sense of loss or despair we feel.
This is NOT your fault. WAS's have a way of blaming us for everything, their unhappiness is internal. While we may not have been perfect or even at our best. They choose to walk away, which makes them quitters, not making us failures.
It would seem pretty clear to me that your wife is living in fantasy land, she has not seen this guy in 34 years and has these preconcieved ideas about how things will be. The truth of the matter is, her and potential OM may not have anything in common. It sounds to me that she is going back to her youth like you have already said, which is a classic sign of MLC. Your wife at this present time will be adamant that she want seperation because she feels that this will solve all her problems, but i my opinion she will come to realise that the grass is not greener on the other side. The best thing you can do is try to be patient with your wife, but make sure that you look after yourself and do things for you. Just let your wife make her own mistakes, as you cannot control what is going to happen to her.
Take Care
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
nickyf said everything I was going to say. Her 4th grade boyfriend? They most likely will not have anything in common anymore. Unless, oh, I dunno, she wants to shoot marbles and watch The Bugs Bunny Road Runner Show with him? They do the craziest things. If she chooses to go be with him, she'll own her choice and all the mistakes that come with it. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Post here, read the other threads and gain strength.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I am sorry you are here, but I am glad you came to this place to get support.
Change the names and the dates and the State and we are all in the same boat, living with the same script.
Even after all of this time it still blows my mind when I read the words of a new poster and see that they are going through the exact same thing.
The events, the words, the same damn self absorbed nonsense and selfishness.
They are going to have to come up with some sort of vaccination to prevent this stuff in the future.
Sorry for my rantings, I just get so ittitated when I see another person being hurt by the MLCBS monster.
Hang in there, and read everything in the archives and the resources on MLC.
Vent all you want on this site, but NOT to your wife.
For now, she has to toss around in the wind a little and figure things out for herself. She has mentally regressed to her childhood so nothing that seems logical to you will make any sense to her.
((((Faith))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thanks everybody. The emotional support from fellow LBS's is really great and helps me get through the day.
I have to agree with brandnewday that is is stunning how similar our stories are. Before all of this happened, I firmly believed that all of our relationships and lives were so unique that our marital problems would also be somewhat unique. Instead, we see over and over again that the MLCers follow a very rigidly defined cultural script. It's just plain stunning.
Just the other day on another MLC thread, one of the frequent posters was saying something about how if your MLCer has not yet had an affair, just wait, because it's part of the script. Sure enough, just a day or so later, I was confronted with the evidence of my W's emotional involvement with this fantasy man from her childhood.
I will try to spend some time on all of your threads to try to give back for what you have given me. I fear I have little wisdom, but I do have a lot of empathy, and sometimes that is better than wisdom.
Would love to hear more thoughts on detaching, patience, and taking care of ourselves. Thanks.
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Feeling down this morning. Wife was very cold and distant as usual as we got the kids up today.
How can they stop loving us after so long? Why don't they miss us? In my case, I have invested 21+ years of my life in this woman and this relationship. How can it possibly end like this? What is happening?
I know I'm supposed to realize that she's in MLC and therefore nothing will make sense, but it's just to painful and confusing. I've just finished reading lots of other posts and I fear I too will be served and divorced before I know what hit me.
Separation seems my only hope, but my wife just sees the separation as an opportunity to finally have private space and time to pursue her fantasy relationship with her friend from 4th grade.
The world's gone crazy.
Last night as my wife went to work, my D6 hugged her and began to cry "I don't want you to leave." Mind you D^ knows nothing (except by instinct) about the impending separation and probably divorce. She was so pained just by her Mom going off to work. All I could do was imagine this scene playing out when we begin to shuttle the kids back and forth between us, with every leave-taking being filled with her tears and anguish. It's too terrible to contemplate. I wonder whether seeing our innocent daughter and son suffering will wake her up. I do not have high hopes.
-SH
"Now some kind of man, he can't do anything wrong. If I see him I'll tell him you're waiting." ---Lowell George
Sorry for your sitch. Lots you say sounds JUST LIKE MY XW!!!
She said it was too late. She realized OM showed her how much she was missing. The kids would be okay. Maybe we just need some time apart. etcetcetc. blahblahblah.
Sorry to say there is NOTHING you can do. You W needs to figure out what is wrong in HER world. You need to concentrate on YOU.
In my case, I have become a little more sensitive (was pretty sensitive anyway, or so I've come to realize) Funny how now, hell even right after we split, other women thought I was a really swell guy. I couldn't figure it out; XW was telling me what a jerk/a$$hole I was... NOW, I get it that she has major Mommy issues. Her parents both died w/in about 18 months and then her brother almost died, all from Cancer. But it's my fault her life sucks. And my fault OM dumped her!
XW also, like your W, had abandonment issues. Was adopted, never felt Mom loved her unconditionally, "BF" in college wasn't really her BF, more like a good pal... didn't think of her THAT WAY and she wanted him to.
Course NOW her life is great. She got her divorce, got a new dog, found a new man in July, moved in w/ him in Oct, engaged in Nov, new horse, new car, kids can ride the bus home to her house two days a week. Life is GRAND!
I can't wait for her to realize in a year or so that she's just put a bandaid on what she won't face.
So, take care of the kids, don't grovel and worry about the things you CAN control.
