I'm new here and need help

[hannahsmom]

I have been lurking on these boards since September and only tonight did I get the nerve to post
My story - on vacation (8/06)with the family ( husband and 16 year old daughter) My husband was irritable, moodly, sullen and snapping at me at every turn. I finally turn to him in front of my daughter on the subway and say - are you ok - what is wrong with you? Later that evening we take a walk away from the kiddo and he drops the bomb - I dont love you anymore - I dont want to be married, I am interestd in seeing someone else etc etc
he is 49
I am 46
daughter 16
years married 21
years together 26
After a few days of ignoring what he said - we talked again and I went into begging mode - dont blow up our family, please see a counselor with me etc etc
We saw a Marriage counselor who happens to be familiar with DBing ( a coincidence but I took it as a sign)
my husband is confused and doesnt know what he wants - he is still living here - treats me like his roomate - says he is only staying for kid and no money to leave
he is now going to counseling on his own starting tonight - our MC recommended someone
I have been trying to work on myself - I struggle everyday with this - I feel so lonely in my own home
has anyone else had same type situation where MLC spouse sought counseling on their own - I also see a therapist since thsi all happened
I want to badly to know what is being said in that therapy session - but I know I have to give him his space - any advice anyone ?
Thank you all

[kikifree]

GIVE HIM SPACE!!!

Hi, welcome.

Yes, give him space. I am learning, they need to sort it out themselves.And to look at ourselves.

You have positives..He is going to MC/IC.
Just take a step back and let him be.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Advice, you are doign well, you know what you are supposed to be doing, advice, keep it up.

I have been in that situation.

You are not alone, ok. Lots of good people here, who will keep their silliness to the prescribed threads, myself included.

Do you have what it takes for a long jounrey HaanahsMom? (HM for short, not typing that in all the time)

[BaseballAnnie]

Honey, sorry you find yourself here, but I am so glad you finally got up the nerve to post.

We are all crazy but we will not bite.

We will love and support you, hold your hand.

We have all been where you are.

What other things are going on? Tell us more about your situation.

For now, the best thing you can do is read and learn, read the resources at the top of the thread.

You have done the right things, going into counseling, getting one for yourself. His getting his own is also very good, and it's a positive that the recommendation came from your MC.

Let him do his work, leave it alone.

That frees you up to work on you.

Detach, get a life, find things to do for you, so that you are not so caught up in this drama that has overtaken your life.

Do things that make you happy, give you confidence.

You will be fine. No matter what. Believe that.

So many of these things about your situation are positives.

Just hang with us, come here when you need to vent, or when you are tempted to get in his space.

hugs,
BA

[hannahsmom]

wow I am so glad I posted
Here are some more details - he is someone who has struggled with depression in the past - we have been drifting apart living our busy lives like most people - he works nights - I work days for last 6 years
He is a devoted and wonderful father - he has acknowledged that he thinks we are good parents

I think alon with the obvious age factor concerning MLC ( he'll be fifty soon ) he has started to lose his hair and also is going to the gym all the time
I took a cue from him and have lost 15 lbs going to the gym also - with girlfriends - he wants to be left alone going to the gym
one minute is is talking about next year when we do teh kitchen over - calling me on my cell for no reason to tell me he likes something I did around the house etc - the next minute he is barely speaking to me
I am finding the rollercoaster ride unbearable some days - but yes I have resolve to be in it for the long haul - I am just so afraid these sounsling sessions hes doing are going to give him permission to abandon this marriage
you have already helped me - I will be coming here for help - I thank you all so much

[Bworl]

Hi Hannahsmom,

Well, first I will say that I'm sorry that another person has come to join our ranks here. However, this motley crue of individuals is a priceless resource for you while you learn to navigate your way through this journey that your husband has chosen for the two of you.


Can we assume that if you are familiar with DB'ing that you have read DB or DR? If not you should.

If your husband is beginning a mid-life crisis, there are two very important things for you to know right away:

1. The spouse left behind (LBS) is typically not invited on this mid-life crisis (MLC) trip that your husband is embarking on. Don't try to join him, don't try to help him through it, and don't try to figure things out for him.

2. The very best thing you can do for you and your daughter RIGHT NOW and for the forseeable future is to devote your time and energies to the two of you. Stay healthy, eat right, sleep well, spend time together. Try to distance yourself as much as possible from the drama your husband is likely to bring into his life.


You will hear people talk to you about getting a life. They will encourage you to pursue things for yourself or for you and your daughter. You will resist this at first, thinking that surely you MUST do something to reach out to your husband, to assure you that you love him and want him to stay. Please, please listen to the advice you will get here. It will serve you and your daughter, as well as ultimately your marriage, well.

READ. Familiarize yourself with just what is going on with your husband. There is some wonderful information in the thread at the top of this page concerning MLC. Actually there is enough there to keep you mentally occupied for some time. Knowledge is survival around here.

The people you will meet here are wonderful people who have experienced things very similar to what you will be going through. None of our stories are exactly the same, but there are enough similarities that we wind up being able to offer much in the way of support and encouragement.

Sorry you're hear HMom. If your husband is really beginning an MLC, I'm sorry to say that you have potentially a long and rough road in front of you. Your faith will be tested, as will your committment to your husband and marriage. His actions and decisions will stun you at times. That's why it is important for you to leave him be as much as possible. Listen to him when he talks to you, but try to resist the temptation to hash out things with him.

Stick around, read, and listen. We're sorry you're hear, but we're more than willing to welcome and help as much as possible.

Blessings,

Bill

[Was2sad]

HM

Of course he is wanting Me Time alone at the gym, with his new body he is building ... the one he left behind in his lost youth.

Of course he is acting unusual, back and forth. He has one foot sticking through Alice's Looking Glass into the world of MLC. The other foot is in your world.

The C is not telling him a lot of stuff we are not telling you, for less. Work on yourself. It is about giving them time and space to get adjusted to not being who he was, ever again. His old skin no longer fits. He is not ready to wear his next skin, his older adult skin.

The C is listening to him process his issues and concerns. The C must accept his comments for the most part, to avoid driving him away. But the C will try to interject the voice of reason in manageable amounts. Give it time and feel good that he is getting help.

Keep updating and reading about MLC. It will give you strength. You will have to provide the patience.

[Lissett]

Hiya Sweetie

I am glad you posted

Please ignore my crazy threads. We all get silly here sometimes.

Mamma, I have to say, I am very very impressed.

This is all new and fresh.

I know the pain is raw.

I know you want the answer.

The answer on how to get your husband back, to being the man he was.

I don't know that answer

but I do know that, you are going to be fine.

I see your strength already.

My first post I was a mess.

Your first post you sound like a pro.


Ok!

At first you will be overwhelmed with the information

Go slow honey.

Take your time to read things thru.

You are going to become a totally different person.

Your heart and your gut are gonna tell you one thing, and now you are going to train your brain to do the opposite.

You will see

you will get it.

You don't want to give him space, you want to hang on.

Of course you do, i mean it is only natural.

Now you are going to do the un natural.

and let me tell you, it takes time to get it down.

You are not going to beg.

You are not going to cry in front of him

When you beg, he will go away farther

Why? he feels guilty .

The guiltier he feels the more he wants out.

So.

you are going to become the best actress ever.

Yes at first it is acting. Then it will become you.

I already know you are strong. You have a 16 year old daughter.

That smile he fell in love with over 20 years ago, guess what, you are going to bring it back.

That humming you used to do around the house, when you were cleaning, guess what? you are going to bring it back.

This is not for him my love,

this is all for you.

This is going to raise your self esteem.

I hope you read all the threads on the top of the board.

if you have the Divorce Remedy book, read it, and don't let him see that you are reading it.

Don't let him see that you are loooking for info on Mid life crisis or things like this.

Most importantly, and the most painful, thing is

your husband is now gone.

yup his body is there,

but his soul and his brain have been captured by aliens.

I am sure the alients will keep his brain alive, and his soul alive, until they return it.

I will tell you this.

if you pray dear heart

Pray a little harder.

You are going to need all the spiritual strenght you can muster up.

Try to get some sleep ok!

Have fun with your D.

Take care of you.

Vent here, complain here.

Join in our stupid thread once in a while, they are just for a laugh anyway.

You will get to know each of us.,

We will all help.

We are a great bunch

I would be lost with out them.

Welcome aboard

[Lissett]

We need a new to come up with a song for the newbies

as a welcome

that goes with the love boat theme!

[always_14]

Hi there!! looks like we all got the Bat Call to come on over!

Sorry you're here, but it's the best place on this nutty ride.

Read around the resources, and read the threads. This is helpful b/c we all have variations on the wonderful theme of MLC. You'll see a core pattern, but also see so many different manifestations of it: blowing $, working out, neglecting kids, abandoning duties, tanking jobs, no communication, angry spews, rewriting history. The works.

Tips?

* TRY not to take it personally. It's not about you. You will come to realize that. But it still hurts, dang it.

* He is not your H now. So, as much as you can, keep reminding yourself this when he does something totally insane.

* He WILL turn into the polar opposite of what he was.

* No begging, pleading, pursuing. Give him space.

* Drop that rope. If he moves out (are you still together), then let him truly be single. Try not to mother, etc. Let him experience that for himself.

* If he is at home, detach and get your own life as much as possible, I think living with them is the hardest and most everyone here is separated (God bless us).

* Find yourself. Your hobbies, your interests, your pleasures. Keep in touch with friends, even if you don't tell them everything. Try to go out even if it feels hollow. You will learn to have more fun as time goes on. Pour yourself into your kids as your H will probably not be the best dad now. Do what you like, even if it's really frivilous.....Lissy here likes shoes, I love bath products, whatever gets a smile on during your day.

* Validate, listen and all that, no matter how insane (OK, I broke this rule recently).

* Let him go to the C, give him privacy (that's amazing he wants to do that).

* Be prepared. Things may seem to be going well, or start off good, but they can go downhill during the thick of this. My H was so ready to work on things and amazed at how he felt in the beginning and then he entered MLC full-throttle.

* You will hear mixed messages....don't take it all seriously, it will drive you NUTS. They will appear to have the time of their life. But you see them look and act lifeless. They will tell you how depressed they are, but go out and go wild with spending and fun times.

I think that's all for me.....just keep reading and join us. Come here often. Vent, get it out, tell us more, we will try to help as much as we can.

Find the light in YOUR life. Hang onto it, this is a wild ride. But you don't have to be on it!