Hi all, old thread locked up and once again I don't know how to attached it here.
For those of you that follow my sitch you know that I have been having a hard time with the amount of hours my H is spending at work. Yesterday we had to go to the bank together when he got home and while we were there I noticed that his breath smelled like beer. At first I didn't say anything, then when we were leaving he asked if I wanted to stop for a drink and I said "didn't you do that already?" He smiled and changed the subject, so I let it drop. We went out to a local place and met some friends there and had fun.
Around 2:30 in the morning I could tell that he was awake so I said we need to talk. He pulled me in his arms and asked if it was about our money situation. I then told him that I didn't believe him when he said he stays after work "talking" and does he want to be married to me or not. Of course, he admitted nothing and denied everything and said he loves me and wants to stay married. We ended up ML and it was great and then he had to go to work.
As I was laying there after he left I had time to think. I was thinking of all of H's good qualities and how little I do as a wife to encourage those qualities. My H never complains, about anything. I on the other hand complain everyday about something. Geez, I would sure get sick of listening to me. This is something I need to work on.
There have been lots of days that I have thought about leaving the marriage, I want to leave because I am not getting my way, like a spoiled little child, hoping that H will run after me and beg me to stay. That just isn't gonna happen. Someone slap me (insert 2x4 here). We were wonderful together once and could be again, actually I think we could be much better as I have learned so much about relationships over the past 15 months. I took H and his love for granted for so long, never nuturing it, always putting everyone and everything before him. I can't do that anymore, I truly love and adore him (as OW probably does too) and I don't want to lose him.
He is here with me and says that he loves me. This is my second chance and I don't want to blow it. I don't want our R to go back to the way it used to be before the bomb. Help me to stay on course and not lose sight of my wonderful future.
Hey mamaB, I totally get you, I've also started to pick up my old bad habits from before, but thankfully my mind right away screams at me to stop. It's easy to go back to the same ol' when our H's are back, you'd think the suffering we went through last year would teach us better.
Anyways, it's ok to slide a bit, but le'ts make an efford to encourage our Hs, to appreciate them and give them always the benefit of the doubt. Let's be that person they can fall in love w/over and over again. \o/ \o/ \o/
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Do you think about leaving because you want him to chase after you, or do you think about leaving because you are not getting what you want from an R?
My guess is that it is the latter. Wanting honesty and openness in an M is not childish. It is not childish to want your H to work with you on your M to rebuild trust. It is not childish to want some actual passion.
Perhaps what is childish is how you handle your feelings of emptiness and frustration with his continued lies and lack or effort. For instance, something like a temper tantrum at 2am because you can't stand it anymore isn't the route to a more adult dialogue. It sounds like you were the freaked child and he was the reassuring adult. The problem, of course, is that it is not real reassurance, because you believe he is lying. And, if you believe he is lying, he almost certainly is.
"H, last night wasn't the best time to bring stuff up. Let me try again more directly. I love you. I am glad that things are moving in a positive direction. To be fair to both of us, I need to share with you that I am not satisfied with some things and if our M is to work we will need to work together on these things. I feel in the dark a lot of the time about what you are doing and who you are with. I have observed things that directly contradict what you tell me. I want to be in an R where there is openness and trust. Rebuilding trust will take effort on both are parts. And, I am a worthy person who deserves that effort from you if we are to have the kind of wonderful M I know is possible for us."
You seem to swing from bottled up anger to remorse for having acted badly for expressing those doubts to dismissing your doubts because you were a bad girl in how you expressed them, which of course doesn't work so the anger builds again.
Look, your doubts and concerns are legitimate. You deserve honesty and openness. You deserve an H who recognizes that he has a role in rebuilding trust and making your M work. Until you confront this and accept it as real, see yourself as deserving, and set some boundaries that demonstate respect for both partners in these areas, you will probably keep repeating the unproductive cycle above.
OT, First of all let me start off by telling you that I am honored that you gave me your advice. You are so objective and straightforward and always give me something to think about.
That being said;
Quote:
Do you think about leaving because you want him to chase after you, or do you think about leaving because you are not getting what you want from an R?
The answer is both. I am not getting what I want from the R so in my mind him running after me would be a way of getting it.
Quote:
You seem to swing from bottled up anger to remorse for having acted badly for expressing those doubts to dismissing your doubts because you were a bad girl in how you expressed them, which of course doesn't work so the anger builds again.
Yep, I agree. I am all over the place. I obviously don't know how to deal with my emotions and appear to react out of fear. I definitely could use help in this arena.
Quote:
"H, last night wasn't the best time to bring stuff up. Let me try again more directly. I love you. I am glad that things are moving in a positive direction. To be fair to both of us, I need to share with you that I am not satisfied with some things and if our M is to work we will need to work together on these things. I feel in the dark a lot of the time about what you are doing and who you are with. I have observed things that directly contradict what you tell me. I want to be in an R where there is openness and trust. Rebuilding trust will take effort on both are parts. And, I am a worthy person who deserves that effort from you if we are to have the kind of wonderful M I know is possible for us."
I really like this sample dialogue. I have a very difficult time expressing myself. Most of the time I speak before I think and things don't come out the way I meant for them to.
I wish I could be better at this. Alot of my problems boil down to my own insecurities. A feeling of not being good enough for him. How can I turn this around? Ugh...
I also act out of fear and insecurities. I see that I cause myself alot of pain by doing this and it seems the harder one tries you still underneath it all feel insecure,, there have beeen times when I feel grounded and those are the best arent they? I give you alot of credit and admire your strength RE: the whole OW sitch,, God bless ya..... Hang in there sweetie and stop being your own worst critic,, you are a beautiful person and you need to embrace that for any change to come and for you to move forward and not be stagnant. Easier said than done.. (((MAMA))) I know.
I do the same things you do.... Remember when your R started and that fear was not there,, GOD to feel that peace again what a gift. You and I will get there we just have to start loving ourselves more so we can give more and be more open and not so fearful. I look forward to the advice you are going to get cause right now I feel alot of what you are feeling........ God bless.....
Alot of my problems boil down to my own insecurities. A feeling of not being good enough for him.
It sucks to feel that way. Of course you are good enough for him, for yourself, for your parents, for me, for your other DB pals, for anyone.
You are a strong, caring, compassionate woman. You look for the good in others. You are a wonderful mother. You work hard to help support your family. You are attractive and passionate. You have a great mind. You have a great heart.
The good news is, your insecurity is NOT about him, it does NOT depend on what he does or doesn't do. It is all about YOU. You have the power to change how you feel about this. And, I'm sure you already know, you need to change this to have a good life yourself and a good R with anyone.
IC can help with this if you focus on it as a clear goal. Also, a book that I found helpful (and a much easier read than PM, lol) was "Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice." You can see the table of contents and some excerpts on Amazon, and it isn't very expensive for a decent self help book.
For now, tell yourself OUT LOUD three times, sincerely, "I am a good girl. I am a Wonderful Outstanding Woman (wow!). I am worth having good people in my life who respect me and enhance my time on this planet."
OK, now three more times, very sincerely, no sarcasm, and try to cut down on that shyness: I am a good girl. I am a Wonderful Outstanding Woman (wow!). I am worth having good people in my life who respect me and enhance my time on this planet."
Ok, before I respond to your posts I will tell you what train wreck just happened.
H calls from work, we chit chat about the weather yada yada then...I apologize for my bad timing regarding our talk last night. He says, ya not real good talking to me when I have to get up in an hour. I say, there really never is a good time to talk to you. I word for word say that I am in the dark about where he is and who he is with. He goes nuts, starts yelling at me. Says I thought we worked all this out and now you bring this shit up again. I can't take it anymore and cannot live like this. You try to control my every minute. Blah, blah.
I validate him but say that I feel like you do not respect me when you lie. Why can't you just let me know that you are not coming straight home, that you are going out. He says cause he doesn't want the third degree. Says for 13 years he never did anything and now he wants to go out and I give him $hit. Why don't we just file bankruptcy and end this M. I tried to calm him down and explain that one of my problems is, he supposedly goes out with people from work but I have never once met any of them and it makes me feel insignificant.
I said that I want to stay married and work things out, I want us to be honest with eachother. Whatever, he had to go the roads are slippery and he cannot drive with one hand any longer. Didn't really resolve anything and actually things are now worse.
Will look into the self-help book you recommended as I definitely am in need of something.
He is angry because he knows he is being a sh*t and that makes him feel bad. He would rather avoid that feeling, so he gets angry at you.
You aren't giving him the third degree. It is reasonable for a couple who are M to communicate with each other as to where they will be, whether or not they have kids, but especially when they have kids. Wanting to know his plans is NOT giving him sh*t about going out.
Avoiding this is not going to make it go away. IF he simply wants personal time and is not seeing OW, then communicating with you about his plans should not be an issue. It is simply common decency.
It is not your fault that he is having an over the top reaction to you asking to be treated well. Maybe you can ask him to work with you to find a solution that works for both of you. Really, all he needs to do is to TM you and let you know what is up. Perhaps you could go out with him and his friends twice a month.
And, if you want to know the truth, his outburst suggests to me that he is up to no good. This doesn't mean he is seeing OW, but he is doing something he wants to hide. Who knows what it is, but he is ashamed of it and afraid of giving it up. It could simply be that he is ashamed of the beer money because he knows he is not being a responsible man, husband or father with his current spending habits.
His comments last night -- he immediately thought you wanted to talk about money -- and today -- he brought up bankruptcy -- suggest that money issues are bothering him a lot. He is spinning out of control with money -- the lottery tickets, the partying, etc...
Anyway, his anger becaused you expressed yourself is not a reason to deny the legitimacy of your feelings and what you want in your M.
"H, we have a problem we need to work through, and I want to work through it. But, your anger is getting in the way of us making progress. How can we get beyond that?"
(BTW, talking to him while he is at work is also probably not a good time. I think there is stuff in DB about how to pick good times to talk when he will be receptive to hearing you.)
We have so many issues in common. Hang in there--Oldtimer is very wise, and I am appreciating the wisdom being shared with you this morning. You're awesome. Love and hugs.
and it was great and then he had to go to work. 
