It's been a long time since my last post and overall things have been going really well.
The problem that i've got is PARANOIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My H has to go away with work alot, sometimes it's just overnight and other times it will be for a week at a time. He never used to do this before the separation, well, only very occasionally. Now he is away at some point every week. I really want to totally trust him but i cant help thinking that maybe the OW is with him. I don't know where she works and i keep thinking that maybe she works at the same place and is going away with him aswell. Or, (and this is totally crazy) i keep thinking that maybe he is having an affair with another man!!!! He keeps talking about this bloke at work, who is really intelligent, really interesting, really facsinating and, unfortunately is usually with him when he goes away. Am i being completely ridiculous to think these things? I have jokingly mentioned this to H and he didn't really respond. I left it a while and then joked about it again, and i said "well, you haven't actually denied it" and he replied "i don't think i need to do I"?
He tells me now that he loves me, which is absolutely wonderful to hear, but because he told me (many times) that he didn't love me i am finding it very hard to believe. When he tells me he loves me i usually reply with "do you really". I think he finds it annoying that i question him each time, but i need so much reassurance at the moment, but i'm scared that i will push him away again if i carry on like this.
Does anyone have any advice on restoring trust. Or do you know of any books which may help. I am also trying to find books on positive thinking and boosting self esteem so if any of you have read any good ones i would love to hear from you.
Its so lovely to hear from you again. I'm so pleased your piecing is still going ahead. From what you describe your H still sounds so much like mine. He always wants to fix everything I say. As for the trust issue I really wish I could help but I've had/am having my own major, major crisis in that department at the moment.
As for your paranoia, I would feel like that too especially as it wasn't a part of his job before the split. Has he actually changed jobs or is it a new responsibility he's been given that means he has to go away? I know how hard it is as my H stayed out after nights out at least once a week for the first 3 months and it did start to make me wonder.
I'm really no help at all right now with the trust or paranoia and I'm sorry because I always felt our sitch were so similar and wanted to help you. Take care IP
Thank goodness you're on here tonight I need to talk so much.
I can see how your H's job could have developed during the split as people do tend to concentrate on work and spend a lot of time there when they have nothing else.
My new thread is called "bombs keep dropping not meant to be" in the piecing forum. I'm really not good at the minute - found a letter from the W who H was texting during the split so had a rough time and gave H a rough time over it and now he's kindly delivered another mini bomb this weekend. IP
UL, so nice to see you piecing. Congrats! I think what you are feeling is the normal anxiety of a post-A spouse. How do you build trust again? It's a tough go. I believe there is a book called "After the Affair" and that may be of help. There are a few out there which discuss how to repair things. Can I assume H has not said two words about the A to you and most likely carries on as though is never happened? That is tough, but pretty normal. The spouse is embarrassed, may not know why it happened and wants to put it behind him. The wronged Spouse is left carrying the baggage and wanting to put the pieces together in order to heal and prevent a repeat performance. So, you're just going through what I'm sure a majority of cheated on spouses go through. Can you tell him what he could do to make you feel better when he is away on these trips. Remember in a R you have the right to needs being met too and he has an obligation to keep you feeling secure. Now, whether he realizes that, who knows but you have to tell him what you need also. "Trust me" jsut ain't good enough! How's the baby doing?
Thanks for the last post, sorry it's taken me 2 months to reply!!!!
Baby is doing really good - little boy, well, not so little now, i can't believe he's almost 10 months old already! I think of him as my little miracle boy as i'm sure that if i wasn't pregnant during the separation nightmare then i would probably be a chain smoking alcoholic by now!! Also, the time H spent trying to help out when baby was born allowed him to see just how much i had changed.
Generally things are going well, H tells me he loves me and that the feelings he had for ow were mainly pity (as apparently she's had a hard life)!!! Haven't we all!!!!!
I still have a problem with H being away from home so much. 've tried talking to him about it but with no sucess so far. I get miserable about the fact that we only seem to get the odd day together from time to time and always with the kids. I've told him i want to be a wife and not just a mother and i need to feel like a woman again. he says to arrange something as a couple and we'll do it, but the trouble is he's never free at the same time as the babysitters. He also says that he doesn't feel wanted because when he is around i'm miserable. This is tru some of the time because when we only have one day together i feel under pressure for the day to be perfect and it quite often goes wrong. So we seem to be in a visious circle - he's always away, and is often tired and unloving when he's here which leads to me being miserable and therefore, not feeling very loving toward him!
How do we break this cycle - i try to "act as if" and appear happy with how things are going but i do feel resentful that he has the whole package.. family, social life etc. I have arranged things to do with my friends and we do spend some family time together but i really need a husband aswel as a father to my children. I also worry that our SL is virtually non-existant. I try to give subtle hints that "i'm in the mood" but maybe they are too subtle!!! why doesn't he want to, maybe he's getting it some place else!!!
Sorry for rambling and maybe going into too much detail! How about you, you ok?
Just thought i'd say hi to anyone who may be reading this.
If you are currently thinking of just giving up, that you have had enough of feeling you are the only one making any effort then please don't. I'm piecing my marriage back together at the moment and although it is far from perfect, it is a 100% better than it was a year ago. i have still got a long way to go before i can say that i am totally happy but i'm sure that in time everything will be ok and i am looking forward to growing old with my H.
Keep up the good work and don't forget how far you have already come.
================== I get miserable about the fact that we only seem to get the odd day together from time to time and always with the kids. ================= Yup, that's be me too, my H's schedule is horrible, and I just realized that when he's off, that's his "weekend" and we dont' do much. So I'll make it my mission to do something for us when he is off. I have two sitters, one for the week, and one who is available weekends and odd days so H and I can go out.
=================== when we only have one day together i feel under pressure for the day to be perfect and it quite often goes wrong. =================== We, women, fret too much. And all men want is normalcy, remember that. When he comes tired and moody just give him a big hug, tell him you love him and then let him unwind, and watch, how later he'll come around. The time right after people come from work is called the "toxic hour" because nerves are on edge.
No, hints wont work. I love this book I got (written by a man) called "Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User's Guide for Women" which is another eye opener. It gives you good insights, for example, you dont' say "we never do anything romantic" because you are stating the obvious and is a negative comment (much like "we dont' have sex anymore") On the first instance, you make plans to go to that fav romantic restaurant you both like and you tell him "let's go this friday", most times, if you give man a plan he'll run with it. Same with sex (ok, my SL isf rozen now because of the recent events but I always got "i"t when i did the following) you dont' wine about it, you put kids to bed, put on that sexy lingerie you got somewhere, and tell him how much you want him. Though nothing will work 100% for each couple, but that has worked for me 99% of the time
hugs))) and relax, look back and see the progress you've accomplished!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I am sorry that you are feeling so low...hang in there
I found that what my expecations were about how things should be going were different from H, they think all is well and they are happy with that, and this is why they get upset when you say things aren't what you feel they should be.
People are going to get sick of me suggesting this, but you should look into the http://www.retrouville.org this is a wonderful program that helps you to open up communication with your spouse, and its a real communication. Its a wonderful thing.
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
Hi UL, don't worry about the detail, it's all appropriate here! Is this your first child? Sorry I've forgotten, but I remember when W and I had our two, it's difficult. Gosh, if we had sex once in a month it was a good month! Kids are tiring. so it must be very difficult to be piecing back your M while dealing with the stress of a new child. What I find positive here is that you and H seem to be communicating. He's able to tell you some of what he's feeling, that's good. Please let go of that demand you put on yourself to be perfect for him, you aren't perfect and never will be, none of us are. That's a great burden to put on yourself and will create resentment in you towards him. Maybe that's your self growth activity, let go of the perfection fantasy! As for me, W and I are separating by the end of October. I have an apartment that's ready in a week (I won't move in until the papers are signed), the kids have been told and an SA is in the works. I came to the end of my rope, UL. I put it to W to end the A or end our M, so she said bye bye M. We are both trying to end it in as loving a way as possible. It's hard but it's for the best. I put in 3.5 years trying to save it, it's time to move on. Thanks for asking. I'll check in on you again!
