Ive been on these posts for quite a while, ever since my wife of 20 yrs left me and the kids for a better life. I really beieve that she's in the mist of a MLC. I have read the six stages and she is in it deep. I have posted and some help has come my way, I have gotten some answers to why but really connot understand. Her family is backing her decision, well her mother is. She is believing all her lies and is acting on them. talking bad about me. Say's I'm poisoning the minds of my kids so they have nothing to do with her. When in fact it's their mothers actions that are turning these kids away. She never calls, even on Christmas. NO phone call, No gifts, nothing.
She got married a couple months ago, told my youngest after she had to drag it out of her. She was so concern I would find out. Why? So my problem is. AFter 20 yrs of marriage. And all in less than two years, She left me, moved to another state with BF. Has nothing to do with her kids, Divorce me. gets married after 2 months of being divorced. No contact with her kids or me pertaining to the kids. NOTHING. I have been doing my best with this DB thing, trying to get on with my life with these kids and I don't know if under the circumstances, if she will ever snap out of this.
SHe said its was because of me that she was so unhappy. Never did she say this to me before. Everyone thought we had the perfect marriage. We were best friends. and now she's gone. Do people ever come out of this after getting remarried? Do they think they've gone too far that they cannot come back? Im really hurting and missing her. I've been trying to be as patient as possible, BUt some days I just can't.
I ask both of you because you seem to be two of the masters on here. I mean, you have the best insite. going through what you've gone through. Thanks. X
Thank you for your confidence in what I have to say, but there are many excellent posters here--not merely Snodderly or myself. Sometimes others may not post if they see specific names in a thread title because they do not feel welcome. There are so many excellent posters that I do not like to list a few because I would leave so many names off the list.
Your is showing some drastic MLC behaviour. You can choose to look at this in a number of ways. As a Pollyanna, I would choose to view the drastic behacviour as a sign that she is acting without rationale and thus her actions have les likelihood of permanence. Some MLCers marry or simply cohabitate with the OM/OW. But to have made the relationship legal after only two months AND to keep it a secret from not only you, but also the children TO ME indicates she is ashamed of her actions.
I would also interpret her concern that you would find out as her feeling it would hurt you. Newylweds should be proud of their new spouse and excited--they should want to share their love with everyone. A marriage is a public announcement of love and bonding. She may have been pressured into marriage by the OM...but that is probably more likey with OWs than OMs. Rather I see her quick marriage as something she felt she had to do to prove to herself that this was what she wanted...well, I've done it now, see I do love him and it is real.
MLCers become their opposite...and this is said of them as parents. The loving and doting parent become more neglectful or at least inappropriate, the previously preoccupied parent tries to become more involved. I don't have children, so I am only saying this from what I have read on the board. It seems your wife has taken the neglect to an extreme in not even calling at holidays.
How many children do yiou have and what are their ages? You were married 20 years--so I am assuming teenagers--early to late or preteen and early teen?
Quote: I've been trying to be as patient as possible, BUt some days I just can't.
I know that patience is difficult at times. What I ask of you is to change the language you are using with yourself.
Admit the difficulty of patience. But you CAN do it. By using a negation you are giving yourself a negative affirmation which your mind believes to be true; it is a form of hypnosis.
Mermaid has shown you an excellent example of a possible reconciliation after remarriage...and thus that they do come back. DavidA's story is not yet complete. She may come back and waiver. She may leave again--without an OM. And she may return again. That is the difficulty of the later stages--waivering and stunted returns.
Also look at what DavidA said. His wife would like to move home...and at the time of his posting her move was a few months away. MLCers move quickly with the OM/OW, and perhaps slowly with the true spouse. I can't say with certainty because in my case Sweetheart has always moved quickly with both of us. His wife's delay could be due to moving issues...but that is not often a dleay for MLCers, thus perhaps it is a sign that she is or has exited the tunnel.
As or understanding...much MLC behaviour defies logic. It is like trying to understand a Schizophrenic. We want to understand. But for me the way to understand was rather than understanding Sweetheart I understand that there is often little to no sense in the behaviours, and therefore understanding the motivations is not always necessary. Often we dalso do not realize that the force behond the behaviour is the OM/OW and not our MLCer. Sweetheart said the OW made lists of items he was to retrieve from our house and bring back with him. I thought it was odd one day when I came home and the coats were gone--his coats that I wear...and this was during the time he was trying to come home.
I know this is difficult. But it sounds like you are doing the right things in DBing. It's just that those 'right things' will not always or perhaps even often show immediate results...and if they do the results may APPEAR negative, though they are not.
So work on focusing on yourself--finding that inner peace and internal happiness. It is okay to miss her and it is okay to hurt. Accept these feelings. But at the same time work on building yourself back up...for yourself, for your kids, and in preparation for a future return.
Thanks to both of you. I really got some great advice. Sorry I had to use your name in the title. But I really wanted to get your attention. I know there is alot of great posters and I hope I haven't offended any of them. It was not my intention. I have been so confused by this whole thing that I do things I regret later, this being one of them.
I would'nt know what to do with out this forum. It seems everyday I get new insites on what going on with Denise. I know she's going to go down hard. I really feel for her and hope it isn't too hard on her. I know I can't do anything for her but love her from a distance. Even though right now she has so much hate for me, (At least it seems so from her actions) But I agreed to love her for better or worse and even though now were divorced from eachother. I still truly belive as I always did that she is my solemate.
I have gone completely dark from her for at least 6 months. No contact at all except some occasional pictures to her of the kids, nothing more. I never get a reply, thank you, nothing. I know deep down she appreciates them, but she's too much in the fog to reply. That or she's ashamed.
I won't be sending any for a while. Her actions at Christmas really hurt the girls and she's going to have to live with that. I heard that she got them gifts. but BF told her not to send them. Let them stew is what I heard he said. What does he care? He's got no emotions for these two darlings. He's giving her some really Good advice on how to lose these girls forever.
In the mean time. I'm doing all I can to help these girls along. Their 16 and 11. The 16 yr old is so hard for her mother, I don't think theres any type of repair. The 11 yr old is still missing her Mom and crys at night because she's not there. She's the one that got the news that she got married. It's hurting her more than ever.
Thanks for the reply. I hope all of your sits pan out for you. I'll continue to read and occasionally post to some. For what I know now, maybe I can be some help to others. X
Sorry about how things are going. And particularly sorry for the impact on your girls. I can't help you with much, but I will encourage you to keep being the loving, sane, rational, caring, compassionate adult in their life.
Understand their pain but don't cast blame. It's tough, particularly in your situation, but take the high road, practice your lines with them, so that you are not tempted to add to the division between them and their absentee Mom. You know, I know you do, that your girls understand who is who in this matter. Should Mom ever appear again, she is the one who has the mending to do.
I've kept you on my prayer list for some time. I'll keep you and the girls there.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
It is one of the hardest thing I can do is not cast blame to these kids. I want them to know the facts, sometimes I go overboard with what I tell them. But mostly I say she's in a fog right now, and I know deep down she still loves you, She's just thinking about herself.
They are the ones who say that BF is the only one she cares about. And the fact that she got married proves it.
They don't call her. I'm being blamed for that. I'm being blamed for putting things in their heads that just are not true. All I'm doing is trying to move forward with the situation we were put in. Why is that so hard form them to understand? Why don't they realize that it is all of their actions that have these kids reacting the way they are?
I know they have to validate their actions with all the blame towards me, But when do they finally look in the mirror and see the real truth?
I know I'm asking alot of imposible questions. And I know this MLC lasts a long time. But, I'm not the bad guy here. I didn't abandon my kids. And, heres the big one, Why if I was such a terrible person. Why didn't she fight harder for her kids?
First let me say that my heart aches for you and your wonderful children, and you are in my prayers. You are getting wonderful advice from those already posting on you thread. But I thought I,d relate a conversation that I had with an old friend who I visited during the holidays. This man has been a friend and golfing buddy for over 25 years. I met him shortly after he had gone through a divorce from his wife of 15 years.
I asked him to relate the whole story of his divorce, which he did. The details are unimportant but we at this board would recognize it as a classic MLC WAW. She left him and remarried immeadiately after the divorce was final. This marriage lasted less than two years, and shortly after her divorce from second husband she made contact with my friend again. They dated for several months and then one night she told friend that she had made a horrible mistake and asked if he would take her back. He told her no that he could never trust her again and that the pain was too great to ever go back. They soon quit dating and both moved on. Her to 3 more marriages and him to a life of bachelerhood.
The sad part of this story is that to this day he said he has always regretted his decision to not take her back. He said he still calls her once a year on their anniversary and they talk about what could have been. He acknowledges that she was in a MLC, because he eventually went through one himself. His lasted almost 7 years and ended when he attempted suicide and almost succeeded.
My friend told me in no uncertain terms to not give up but to wait. He has known my wife for 25 years and recognizes the change that has come over her during this MLC. He has assured me that she will change and to just be patient. It was very comforting to hear this from someone who has been there.
This is not the only story of MLC I have heard from my friends and acquaintances. In fact I personally know of four relationships that were reconciled. Two were divorced, one for 2 years and the other for 5 years. Two were seperated, one for 1 year, the other for two.
It appears to me that this is not at all uncommon for WA's to attempt to return. But as we all know each situation is different as our own personalities are different.
In my own situation I will STAND even if my wife divorces me and remarries. To me this is a spiritual battle. I made a vow and will not go back on it. The battle for me is not against flesh and blood, but against the spirtual powers that attempt to control this world.
I pray that GOD blesses you and your children rider, and pray that your wifes heart will be softened and your marriage will be restored.
Thanks Ducky for such a good read. Alot to think about. Ive been staying away from this board for a couple weeks, I feel I was getting obsessed with it, made it hard to go on. I keep looking here for some magic answer, when I know there really is none. Just go on with my life the best I can with my girl's and let the peices fall into place.
Oldest D turned 17 last weekend. I of course made it a big deal. had a old fashion B-day party with hats and blow horns. Something I use to do when she was younger. Next year she turns into an adult and will really be to old for these kid things, But I wanted it to be fun for her and I think she liked it. (she always say's, "Dad is a big kid".) She got phone calls from some of her relatives, only Mom never called. She was a little down that evening because of this and I told her I was so sorry that she forgot, but she has to understand that what she's going through....
Yesterday, Her mother called and wished her a Happy B-day. Caitlin told her thanks but she was a day late. Her mother told her she was sorry she forgot and swore it was today, even told Grandma it was today. Funny she said that. Grandma called the day before wishing Caitlin a happy B-day. The lies continue. Anyway...Caitlin didn't accept the appology and kept the convo. short, told her she had to go because I was taking her and her sister out to dinner. Not a lie, just a couple hour off.
Ducky. I really want to believe that what the gentleman told you was true. But at times, its really hard. I see these kids going through so much pain and even though I am starting to harden my heart for this woman. I bothers me that this is happening to me.
I don't believe that she is all that happy.
I feel that new husband is controling her actions not to have a relationship with daughters.
And most of all, if she is so happy. WHy is she still spewing accusations at me and my actions?
Her sister is coming in around Feb 13. She wants to take the girls out for dinner. Grandma is NOT allowed to go. Im thinking that she has some things she wants to dicuss with the girls and not have Grandma interfear. The girls are a little worried about this and frankly, so am I. Sister in law has always been on the side of ex and has a way of minipulating. Who knows what is up her sleeve. I can't trust any of them. but I know my girls will not buy into the BS. They've been on the hurting end too many times.
