I have been up since 2:30 this morning. I am very glad that I woke up. I have turned another corner. I think that I can finally go on aanother day without the tears, pain and hurt.
It's going to be a very big day for me. I am moving out of my house that I shared with my family for 21 years. My children are grown and the H and I are divorced. It has not been a very pleasant time, it has been h e l l. I have cried nearly every day that I have had to pack up my things. I have had some of these things for all of the marriage...31 years. I had to send alot to the auctioneer, my personal antiques that I have been collecting for 25 years. It has been painful to sort thru all of this, deciding what to keep, what to take, what to leave him. Going thru letters and cards from him. Mementos are excuricating. I did get thru it. He will be very shocked when he walks back into this house. All the things that say home are gone. I have been as fair as I could be with the stuff, but I am expecting him to go off. I asked him several times to come here and tell me what he wanted, he never did. He probably just couldn't face what he has done.
I woke up this morning at 2:30.... S 22 had just got in...
I was a bit asleep but awake enough to think. I think that I have turned a very big corner today. I think that I have finally dropped the rope. Last night I thought that I was going to have to call someone to come and get me. Do what with me I don't know. I wasn't doing very well. The crying just would not stop... I didn't think I had it in me to go on. I called my mom.... if it was not for her I don't think that I would have gotten thru this part of my life these last 6 weeks, or though out this entire hell I told her what was going on and to call my son 30 and tell him I was okay. He had called earlier and I think that I was short with him. He had called me earlier in the afternoon to ask me to babysit my grandson. He didn't even remember what I was doing. He had just seen me Christmas and couldn't remember that I was packing and moving this week. I was upset by his thoughtlessness. Christmas evening my son 30 told me after I asked, how his visit was with his father Sunday, his father has not seen him since August. He told me that it went well. I asked if she was there and he said yes. I found out that my daughter had meet her back in May before she left for San Diego. To say that I was stunned was beyond words. But more than that I was hurt. I couldn't beleive it. My son and daughter have accepted her. I was deeply hurt. Though out this journey I have had such little support from my family. My daughter has not been very nice to me. Our conversations are hard and very difficult there is not much that we can talk about. She is her father's child. Her father has told her numerous lies about me and our life together. I didn't expect my son and daughter to accept this woman in their lives so easily. I expected that they would not. I have always said that I have had so little support from family and freinds I just didn't really realize how little I had until yesterday. It just about killed me that my children would accept her in my Ex's life so easily. He did ask them if they minded if she came with him. They both said no.
They don't know how really hurt I am maybe someday I will tell them not right now tho. I know that it is their choice to do as they please, to make the decsions to stay "neutral" in all this. But I really had not prepared myself for this. I have learned a valuable lesson here. I really don't appreciate their actions regarding this, but it is done and I must move on. It hurts like hell.
This morning while I was waking up I made a realization that I really can not have anything to do with him anymore. I have had enough. I have turned a corner in my life with the acception that I know there is absolutely nothing I can do about him. I have really finally just dropped it. I have been denying the reality of what my ex is really like. I have not wanted to face it. I just didn't want to beleive it. I can now see and feel through out this marriage that he has been emotionlly and mentally abusive to me.
It is very hard to finally acknowlegde it. There are many examples of it, and I have denied it for so long. I guess this could be the answer to why I have had such a hard time moving on. It is very hard to come to that conclusion. It really says alot about me tho. Things that I need to face and change about myself. This will be a scary journey for me. But I must go thru it to finally heal. It is not something that you like to admit about yourself. But I had forsaken what I wanted and what I felt, just for him. My feelings through have hardly ever been validated and the realization of all this is painful.
I thought he was everything and really he is not.
I would have done almost anything to have keep this marriage with out regards to how it would have made me feel. This is not mentally healthy. I found this morning that I don't really want him back. This feeling came into me and I feel very good about it. I can honestly say that I tried very hard for this marriage to last. now it is time to just let it go.I can really face that now, It's too late and I've been thru to much hurt and pain.
if he walked into my life again I would have to tell him no that I did not want him back. It is very sad.
It's very hard to come to that. I always thought that
it would end in our getting back together again, but it is false hope. And it would just not be good. I have prayed to God for so long for answers and strenght to get thru this and maybe I finally have the answers to it all. It's better if I don't have a relationship with this man. That it would not be a good one. He is also a manipultor and has to be in control. I guess that I have finally woken up to it all and can finally admit it it for the first time. I am very relieved. I had begged this man to have a relationship with me prior to MLC. He is just not capable of it. I don't think that he will ever be capable of having a intimate relationship with anyone.
My EX is a narricisstic man. He has always been one. I refused to admit it even when I was buying books about it a long time ago. These peope need very intensive therapy and for a long time. They deny it tho. They will not seek help, because if they do they have to admit it and it would very difficult to do that. They think they are okay when in reality they are very mentally ill. It is one of the hardest personality disorders to heal from. He is not someone I see geting help for it.
I am at peace finally. It has taken a very long time. I just did not want to leave this house. It was my home for so long. It is where my kids grew up. Where I had beautiful gardens. My antiques that I really cared about wheir here. So many memories of a family life that I care so much about. I was a mom and a wife here. This was my home.
I need a computer for my new home. The EX is a director of information technelogy or he's a computer guy which ever you choose.... any way He said that he would get me a new computer and I guess I could go to Vegas, yeah baby and bet on that and win a milliion before I see a new computer. My oldest son is going to help me buy a new one and hook it up for me. I will not be able to respond to your posts for awhile. I do need people to stop by and post to me. It has certainly helped me alot recently. I look forward to hearing from anyone. At times I didn't want to be on this site it was to painful and the answers I needed were not here. The ones I wanted to see. But I think I have new ones and I like them. I am okay and at peace finally. Something I begged GOD for last night, just to make it stop that I couldn't take anymore and maybe he has answered me.
Well got to go do dishes before they pack them, ahahahaha then again maybe not they are my dishes.....
I look forward to my move today it is time to go on.. I have spoken before about moving on but I think today I am really there. I feel sorry for my EX and it does make me sad but it is is time to go on
I hope that everyone had a great time at Christmas and that the New Year brings forth a new vitality, hope, peace, and that you too can get past all the MLC and begin to really focus on yourself. That you are able to make your own dreams come true.
Peace ITSY
Last edited by itsy; 12/27/0611:06 AM.
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Itsy, I don't know your situation, I just wanted to say that I have lifted you up in prayer after reading this post. I pray that you have found some peace in the quiet hours of the morning. Sounds like things have not been good for you for quite some time.
I'm sorry you are losing so much. But I'm glad that you're finding yourself able to move on. It sounds like there is a lot of healing that needs to take place in your family. I will pray for that as well.
God promises that He has plans for us. Plans to prosper us and not harm us. That He plans to give us hope and a future. These are His words. Claim them for yourself. Here's a wonderful quote I found a month or so ago, I think it may be something that brings you some hope and/or peace.
Quote: ...if you think of your story as an epic- a grand, ambitious journey for a noble cause-you recognize that everything before the intermission was the setup, the necessary series of events to precede the triumphant finale. Everything in the first half- the successes as well as the failures, the good decisions and the lousy ones-prepares you for something better....Half time lets you revise the second half of your story so that it turns out better- so that it aligns itself with the story God implanted on your soul. He has created a grand narrative for you to live out and is determined to prevent you from writing a smaller, less significant part than the one he has already written.
Keep looking up. I'll check in when I'm able.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Dear Itsy, my heart really goes out to you today. That sounds like a terrible depressive episode and I am very glad it cleared for you. Your call for help was a sign of knowing your state and what you needed. I had to do that once and it's a good thing I did. There is no question that I have been where you were.
You will find as time goes on that the bad times will get shorter and shorter and the time between them will get longer. But you have to be very kind to yourself for quite a while. If you are anything like me you will be frustrated that it's not all behind you yet. But as I mentioned before it takes a long time to recover from this, and of course the longer the marriage and the bigger the shock the longer it takes. That's OK. It takes as long as it takes. Always honor your feelings. They are part of you and they mean something. And you don't have to listen to people who tell you it's time to move on. You have done that today, I'm glad for you. You might still have some "moments". Keep plugging away. Maybe find two or three people that you can rely on to confide in so you have a safety net and so not everyone knows your business. Get through the tough moments one by one and in time you will be on the downside of the mountain.
You are processing a lot closing down your family home and it must be terrible. But you have to remember one thing--you are not alone. There are many people who have gone before you on this path, and I can tell you that with the fortitude and strength you are demonstrating you will be a survivor too.
And I'll just say one more thing that I hope sounds positive. Once this is behind you, if you take care of yourself and reclaim your life over time as you best can, you will be stronger than you possibly could have imagined. You are going through one of the worst emotional experiences anyone in the USA has to endure. Focus on your patience and faith and hope. Believe these things will help you. Take it one day at a time and pretty soon you will see a little more light than dark and your sense of yourself will be restored and you will find that no one will ever be able to take that away from you again.
You have expressed yourself beautifully in your realization that you were emotionally abused and how you lost your sense of self and would have done anything to save your marriage. I think that shows that you were devoted and took your vows seriously. During a long term marriage that is what is supposed to happen in some ways. Two become one. And when that breaks apart it affects us both emotionally and physically. There is a biological basis for the pain. If you ever want to know more about this you might want to read the book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Andersen. It explains why we feel the way we do after an abandonment and I found it one of the most useful books that I read during my journey. You can probably find it at you local library or on Amazon.com or in your bookstore. It has many words of wisdom, and the exercises, while they might seem a little odd at first, definitely help in integrating your whole self back together again.
I hope this helps you in some way. Don't be deterred by people who seem to be having a better time. They are not walking in your shoes. Take good care, I am very proud of you. Yours, Wonder
Thank you for your input to my post. I have gotten thru the move, however it was so unpleasant working with that moving company...... I'm here in the house for the last time waiting for laundry to finish for my son.
I am so much better off now than I have ever been since this started. I love my new condo. It is so great to have it. I got really great neighbors. I so lucked out.
I have thought seriously about my future. I really do not want him back. I thought I did, but in reality I don't. He's not a person that is capable of giving to someone else what they need in a relationship. Never has been. I'm okay with my decision very much. I am finding peace. Something has been lifted from me and I feel really good. I didn't even cry when I left this Wednesday< Thrusday,Friday and Saturday. Last minute items that the packers would not take!!!!! Another story there. Today I will finally leave for good and I don't think thast it will affect me very much. I feel so moved on in my life right now. I so hope that I don't backslide at all. I have before but I really don't think that I am going to this time.
Well the clothes are done...
I have read your story about the wife. I read alot here don't post to much but I really lurk here.... I posted to you how very sorry I was to hear about your stitch... you had it pretty rough. I hope that you are forging ahead day by day. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope that things work out like you want it to, I will be posting to you as soon as I get a new computer in my home.
Good luck to you Bworl...
ITSY
Last edited by itsy; 12/31/0609:37 PM.
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Thanks so much for poating back to me. It was really appreciated. If you read my reply to Bworl I am doing really great. I love my new place.
I have been so low at times that I needed someone near me to help me get thru it. My mother has been there for me at all the times. I don't know how I would have gotten thru it without here. She has been my life saver....literally at times. I have passed the hardest part. I am moving ahead rather rapidly in my new peaceful life. I told Bworl that I didn't want him back and I really don't. It feels so good to have made that decision. I won't be posting much until I get internet service and a new computer. I can look at posts but can't write back. I hope to get this done this week.
Thank you again for your words and thoughts to me any time someone posts to your thread it makes you feel good to know that someone out there is hearing you, it's very comforting.
ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Itsy, I'm glad to see that the move is now officially behind you. How fitting that today was the last time you will leave your "old" home and not look back, i.e., just as this is the last day of the "old" year. Itsy, look to the new year for a more promising and brigther future.
There will be days when you will think about your old life and it will hurt a bit. As time goes by, that hurt will grow fainter and fainter, just like a scar will do. Eventually, you will be able to reflect back on the past and know that you did the best that you could and it just wasn't enough to keep things together once he hit crisis mode.
May 2007 be a brighter and more promising one for you. Happy New Year, Itsy!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can relate to your post! At first I just wanted xH back, now I don't think so. I am afraid of the future, but I realize that I must trust in God, that he has a good plan for me. I don't know if you get this show in your area, but today on Joel Osteen it really addressed this issue. I thought he was talking directly to me.
