BigRed here, long time lurker, very ocassional poster. My sit in a nutshell. Me 46 year old male HD, wife 39 LD, lately very LD. We have been married 6 years and together almost 10. I have come to the realization lately that my wife is a pretty selfish person. Whay brought this to a head was an offhand remark she made this morning. A friend of mine is having a birthday party on Friday. We have already RSVP'd for the both of us to go. I really want her to go so she can meet some of my work friends. She threw out an offhanded remark that she couldn't go to the party because she had to stay with her grandmother that night and she really didn't want to go anyway. Now I am not upset that she can't go becassue she has to stay with her disabled grandmother so her mom can get away for a few days. I am disappointed, but that I understand. What I am pissed off about is the remark she threw out that she didn't really want to go anyway. Well, in the last 2 weeks I have gone to 3 events that I didn't rally want to go to becasue she wanted me to. I spent $80 for tickets and $200 for a new suit so I could go to see her sworn in to the board of a professional orginization she is a member of. I sat at a table with 9 people I didn't know for 2 hours while she was at the head table. Did I want to do that? Hell no! But I did becasue it was important to her. 3 days later I went with her to Christmas remembrance service put on by a grief support group she attends since her father died 2 years ago. Again, did I want to do that? Hell no! But it was important to her , so I went. 4 days later I went with my wife to another Christmas party for a service group she belongs to. Again I sat at a table in my new suit, while I was being ignored by virtually everyone. The only conversation I was involved in that night were ones I started. Again, did I want to be there? Hell no! But it was important to my wife, so I went. Last night, Christmas night, we ( wife and I) were over at the MIL house, where the disabled grandmother lives. Wife and her mother get the brilliant idea that grandma needs to go outside and see Christmas lights. Grandma finally agrees. So we load her in the wheelchair, take her outside, where it is 45 degrees and a 20 mph wind is blowing, and lift her into the car. We then proceed to drive 45 minutes, in each direction, to see the lights they wanted to show grandma. Again, did I want to go? Hell no! I wanted to stay home and watch the Cowboys on the tube. But I went becasue it was important to my wife.
So it really struck wrong when my wife threw out the remark that she really didn't want to go the birthday party anyway. My question is, Am I blowing this out of proportion?
I can see why you feel dissapointed and angry. I can guarantee that although you can list 10 things you have done for her she doesn't see it that way. She has a list that she sees as equivalent. However, it is ok you to say, "Hey W, I am really disappointed that you didn't want to go to so and so's party. It is something important to me that I wanted us to go to together." - something like that. Be honest. Call her on it then you can let go of it.
Hey Red, I can relate to what you are saying. My H is a paradox. On one hand, you will not meet a more giving person. On the other, he can be ruthlessly selfish. If it is HIS idea to do something he will give til he can't physically give any more. If it is ME asking him for something (specifically social situations like the one you listed) he will bow out with nary an excuse. He even tried to get out of going to my family's Christmas eve celebration! We had quite a spirited discussion over that one.
I wish I had some magical advice for you. I have just had to accept, over the years, that he likes to give in his own way and since he gives a lot I try to overlook this glaring shortcoming.
It is SO hard, though, in the moment when you are faced with someone's utter selfishness (up close and personal) to be the bigger person isn't it.
I toyed with the idea of saying to him "If you continue to disappoint me in the last minute by bowing out of all social obligations that you don't feel like attending (ie, all of em) then you should expect that I will be doing that the next time you request my attendance." However, he has said many times: I wouldn't CARE if you did that!! so I know it wouldn't be an effective deterrant, lol.
I suppose everyone is selfish in their own little quirky ways and this is definitely his area.
My question to you is: Does she have a tendency towards total selfishness or does it revolve only around a few areas?
