Something may be happening

[hopefloats7]

Snodderly,
I do understand what you are saying, and I know you are right. It's so hard to step away from it, though, because it scares me that it really may be over. Perhaps it really is. I guess I need to start believing it might be.
You see, right now, by having contact w/them, you are allowing them to continue to hold on to your apron strings and they don't have a reason to start peddling more through the crisis.

Yes, and I do think that is what my friend was basically trying to say, too.

aid,
I do keep waiting and hoping that H will see that sweeping it all under the rug isn't going to allow him to move on in a healthy manner. I sometimes wonder if he's at least ok with the way his life is now, and just tells me that he's still unhappy when in reality this better to him than working on our R.

KDK,
In my case, H can't come and go anymore and hasn't been able to since the summer. I don't live near him any longer so that piece of the situation has been terminated. In many ways I believe it may have hindered any chance I have of reconciling, but at the time it was the only conceivable choice I could make.
I think it's possible that my H might someday just say to himself, 'Yeah, I would like to see what could happen with Hopefloats but she had to move and start her life over after what I put her through. I don't have the right to ask her to stop that after what I did.'

[always_14]

Snodderly, thanks so much for your advice. It means a lot. Especially with recent "events" with H--or whatever I call them these days!!!

I tend to fall into the "go totally dark" camp. So, your advice is actually easy to follow for me. My H is a little different....I really don't think he will come sniffing around. He never has since I left. Just kept sweeping through women....now onto OW#5. We have spoken 4 times in nearly 7 months, and it has always been me that called. Very depressing, emotional conversations.....and he does feel that he has screwed up too much, just better to move forward with a clean slate...looking for elusive happiness. Maybe this is what is right for him, just better that we come to that conclusion when we're both not as emotional and a little more sane.

I have no idea what no contact does for my H. So far, it seems that he keeps in the tunnel. Runs to an other OW, pushes the D, etc. But, maybe this IS progression through MLC for him.

Either way, my main drive to remain dark is for ME. My life has been much more sane, I have regained focus on other things that matter to me, I stand strong and happy, I laugh and smile and pay attention to the life that passes through me each day. I try to regain my sensitivity to "normal" again. I can only do this WITHOUT H. It hurts, but, I guess it's normal. I'm also able to process my own emotions, instead of just pushing through and acting as if.

So far, gone on 8 weeks with no contact. 8 weeks since H has had papers for D drawn. This is the longest we have not talked. I have no urge to break that streak.

Let's go for the gold.

Hope--sorry for the hijack.....but I think it applies. You will be surprised at how easy it is to back off....you will learn to enjoy the silence. It's like a challenge....how long can you go without calling H?

[hopefloats7]

always,

It's been about 4 days since I last made any contact w/H, and that was only a short text message that he never replied to. By now he has certainly received the package I mailed to him w/a few small gifts and some things for puppy. Absolutely NO acknowledgement from him that he received this, or appreciated it in the least.

I don't expect any more contact from him. I really don't. I think he's just happier to move on with this friend/gf of his. There is nothing I haven't said to try to show him that I am willing to try. I was sharing with a friend of mine that the fact that H came to the realization that he wasn't happier living this way but STILL didn't want to reconcile made me feel like I had very little value to him. If he knows he messed up, it seems like he'd be wanting me back more than ever instead of running to someone else now. I guess he knows what he doesn't want, and that's us being together. It is just time that I start facing up to it, I think. I don't expect it to be easy at all, and I find myself having very sad moments when it hits me hard. But maybe after the new year things will be a little easier and I can begin to forget about him. Right now, there are too many nostalgic moments that keep popping up, because the holidays are here.

I tried. I really did. I honestly thought he would come out of it.

[amysideas]

Hope,
I don't post to you often but follow your saga. You are often right about where I am emotionally.

I have to tell myself that I too tried. And it just did not work. Sometimes I go over the tactics that i used, or disect a conversation that we had, and berate myself for not doing it differently. But the truth is that my h was not going to look back to me no matter what I did or did not do.

I am still sad - and it is 2+ years after the bomb, and 2 yrs since he moved out. I am lonely and miss what was to be as much as I miss my h. But i am facing that it is over and that I must figure out how to live with that realization and make a new life.

You have a great start on the new life part - putting tog. a new home, new job, and new haunts. I think we must just concentrate on the good of what we have in front of us. This is hardly new news, but cannot be said enough.

One common thread I think here is that we often feel better if we KNOW our WAS is screwing up, is unhappy, and disfunctional somehow. But our own happiness cannot be based on another person's failures, or their idiotic mistakes. I guess that can be the background - telling ourselves that when they left they made the biggest mistake of thier lives, but somehow we must get over that too - and just go on to make the most of the present. Perhaps that can be with a crack in the door for the WAS to return. But no decision necessary on that now.

Merry Christmas to you. Enjoy being with your family - see yourself surrounded by love.

[ashmo17]

Hopefloats,

I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said. I am in the same mindset as you right now. I just wanted you to know that my prayers are with you and encourage you that there are those of us walking this walk with you, holding your hand, and reaching the other side of the mountain along side of you.

Lifting you up,
Amy

[aid]

Hope,
Your H still can come out of this. BUT in the meantime, you need to act as though he won't. That's what works for me. I agree with Always, that going dark is for you not for H. If in the meantime that does something to knock him over the head, great. But going dark is so you can regain your focus on you and remove yourself from that dark world.

The holidays are so hard. You just have to get through teh next few weeks, then look at 2007 as a new opportunity for a new life. Sucks that your H didn't call you about the package. That's just awful. He probably is too confused to do anything. So, just let it be.

You seem like an amazing person. ANd according to Lissett, you're beautiful as well. Your H will wake up one of these days to find that some great guy snached you up.

I understand your concerns about the fact that you moved away, but it's what you had to do. And you have to believe that you were forced in that directin for a reason. You are meant to be wehre you are today. ANd one day it will become clear why.

We all know what you're going through. Hang in there.

[hopefloats7]

Amy, thanks for the lovely words of encouragement. They came at just the right time.

Aid, your level-headedness continuously stands out, and I appreciate your post. Yes, I agree with you, going dark is the only thing left that allows me to feel a little bit of control because I'm choosing not to contact H. You're right, it did suck that he didn't even send an email to say thanks for the package. I didn't realize he was still in such a selfish state of mind. I'm not too proud to say it hurt me. I didn't send a lot but I did put thought into what I bought him.

The holidays are definitely making it worse for me. I thought this year I'd be much, much happier and far more into celebrating. Guess not. I'll have to try again next year. Not to say that I'm ignoring the day because I'm spending time w/family and I know they will be helpful to make the day special. Still though, it doesn't make me stop thinking of H and our holidays together.

Your H will wake up one of these days to find that some great guy snached you up.

I have a doubtful feeling on this as there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of great guys out there. At least not that I've run into yet!

You are meant to be wehre you are today. ANd one day it will become clear why.

Every night I ask God not to forget about this and to please show me soon why.

I had myself a good cry, then went tanning (just to feel warm; it's very comforting and I'm usually always cold, so this helps!) then made cocoa when I got home. I am going to bed soon; working in the morning. Thanks for all of the support today; I really needed it.

[aid]

We're here for each other. Remember that.

Put some Baileys in that hot cocoa. YUMMY! I'm enjoing a nice glass of red wine while watching a Grey's Anatomy repeat. Things are sure to get better when there are no more stinking repeats on TV!

We'll all get through this together.

[Holly06]

Hope,
My vote is to go dark. This is a behavior, and will be notices much more than words. It is in the same vein as show him your changes, don't tell him about them.
Holly

[wed2alien]

Hope,

I know it is hard to go dark on him, especially since he calls for advice, or for you to listen to him. You have been so patient and kind to him through this but maybe he needs to see that you may not always be there when he needs you.

I think that they lean on us for strength, (and counseling) and like to know that we are still around. But after time, they need to get a little taste of what their life would be if we were really gone from it.

Do what is best for you and what you feel comfortable with.

wed