Something may be happening

[wed2alien]

Hope,

I am glad that you see the progress you H has made in the past 2 years. He is coming forward, very slowly, just by him now realizing what a mess he has made.

You are right, they don't realize that at the beginning of replay. Once they do, like he is, their eyes really open and see what they did and it depresses them and they are angry at themselves. My H said the same thing. After blaming and being angry at me for 2 yrs, he realized he was really angry at himself but took it out on me.

I think this is "big" that now they have insight into themselves. It still seems to take a long time for them to first accept what they have done, take responsibility and then forgive THEMSELVES and move forward. SLOWLY.

Be patient and enjoy the holidays!

wed2

It seems this may be what he is doing and he does need time, as Snodderly said.

[hopefloats7]

nic & wed2,

Thanks for the second pairs of eyes onto my situation. I appreciate what you said.
It's good to know that I shouldn't give up all hope on this. I guess stepping back and letting him soak in the horror of his actions is in order now. I have to keep reminding myself that the person I truly miss is not who H is right now. That is KEY. I constantly say it over in my head as a reality check.

I will keep pushing forward into the unknown (scary) and pray. I carry a little trinket around with me all the time. It says: Things happen for a reason. Just believe. Good words to live by.

Hugs all around. Thank you for the support.

[ACJ]

Hope. I hear your frustration but just keep on being patient. He will, I believe, come around in the end. Only you know if you will still be waiting when he does.

[hopefloats7]

I'll try to shorten this up.

Last night, H called me. He was just on his way home, after being out. Basically, he's been hanging out with this woman he used to work with a few years ago. I know while we were married they really were only friends, and nothing romantic was going on. He claims it still isn't.

They meet out to catch a movie or dinner, or whatever; pay "dutch", no romantic gestures. He says that all his male friends are married, and come Fri. night they all have families to spend time with and he doesn't see much of them. That's his explanation for his new single, female "buddy".

I calmly said it sounded to me like he was dating her and perhaps we shouldn't be talking anymore. Well he seemed taken aback by this and said that it wasn't dating in the sense that I thought, and they were only friends, he talked to her (she knows our story) and that he could certainly talk to me.

He kept on telling me how alone he has been, all this time. How he's been "alone for a LONG time". I'm sorry but this infuriated me inside. I'm the one that has been alone, not him. I calmly told him my opinion; that since this all began he's always had someone, etc. He said I didn't know what it was like to be him. That he doesn't have anyone he's falling in love with or sleeping beside at night. I told him I didn't either.

Which led to a short discussion about our R. Basically, he doesn't share my opinions on working things out because after all he's done it's just easier for him to "start over". So I came to the end of my proverbial road and I said, "Ok, H, if you never see us together then why not just say so? I will handle it fine." He said, "I don't know. I can't say that."

He asked about my family as he always does. I told him how things were with them, and I also added how they ask about him and wonder how things are going for him, too. He then said he wasn't feeling well, had a stomache ache and needed to get off the phone. [I think discussing this gets him sick]. So we said goodbye and he told me he would call me later, and was that all right? I said it was. But I don't expect to hear from him.

[HappierAndHealthier]

Hope

I didn't know you were posting again.
Could be b/c I haven't been on the board in months.

Honey I am glad to hear that you are doing well.
You are strong much stronger than we were a year ago at this time.
My 2 revelations which are getting me through:
I forgive without an apology or recognition
The Lord has given me the power to handle it.

Blessings dear, I keep you in my prayers

[always_14]

Hi Hope....as usual, looks like we're on the same path, again.

Difference is that you talk to your H.....mine is refusing to talk to me for about 2 months now.

I agree with Snodderly, and it's the only thing we can do to save ourselves now and to just let things be. Don't contact him. Let him go and take a step back. In my sitch, I think H thinks I am dating someone (which I sort of am)....and he immediately filed for D papers but has not signed (to my knowledge) and refuses to talk to me.

As your H, he is not in extreme depression that we read about. He still goes to work (not doing well there, though), runs, works out, goes out (not to the extent before), and by all accounts, looks "fine." But, the rare times we talk, the depression comes out in a BIG way. I used to think this was fake, but I think this is the covert depression, not full-blown yet.

My H, so far, has no plans of going home for the holidays. He didn't for Thanksgiving either. Spent it here, doing who knows what. I went home, though.

I have no idea what's starting to happen, but I agree with what Snodderly said.....he has given indication to others that he feels "manic" in thoughts. I have no idea if OW is in the picuture or which one he's on now. He also has a lot of female friends he hangs out with that are leeches. He also has a family living with him, that everyone sees as a way to avoid the pain and reality of his life.

I think of his life also and get so overwhelmed (but hey, it's NOT my life, right!). Everyone at work disrespects him after finding about the A. Several OW that do not make him happy, depressed, seenig things (supposedly), had to back down at work and take a lower position, isolated and no friends, no W. He also described feeling alone, lonely.

I think this edge of regret is hard. To come back or not to. That means facing things and they're not ready, and might not ever be. My H also thinks it's easier to "move on." But he also talked about "starting over." It's a scary spot. It's easier not to think of it. That's what my H does, live in denial. I think yours is there too.

Who knows what goes on in this stage. I think it's floating above the abyss of depression, but finally seeing it there. I think it's lots of time for thought, regret, guilt and shame. It's finally hearing in our voices that we have started to move on, and we will be fine. That we are really a little sick and tired of this, just weary of them. I think it's finally seeing that you can't play games forever with people, eventually they get sick of you and move forward. That it damages your life too.

Be glad that we're not there, with them, to go through this. Remember what a living hell it was to live with/near him while he went through replay. Take stock in your life now, the calm, no-drama life that you wake up and create each day, with joy and peace in mind. Keep that close to your heart.

This is a rough time for our H's. Let them be. It's been too long that we have been sucked into the drama. Pull away and trust that something is going on there.....be patient.

I'm here right by your side.

[lael]

Boy Hope, you always seem to draw me out of the woodwork.

I can relate to the business about your H not wanting to tell you it's over. I put in a rough week with my H. He ended it with his OW two months ago, and although he said he hasn't been in contact, I found out this week he has been. We spent the week going back and forth about whether I could ever trust him again. I told him I didn't think I could take anymore, but he kept telling me to give him more time, not to give up on him.

Last night I asked him to honestly tell me, if it would be easier for him if I just walked away. He said that back in July, he did consider that to be the easiest solution to his problem, but that he no longer felt that way. So after making a few agreements, I ended up telling him I would stand by him while he sees a counselor.

I guess I keep thinking that the part of our H's that can't let go, is the part we once knew and loved. As long as they are having that internal struggle, there is still hope that they will reemerge from this darkness.

[hopefloats7]

always,
Your post was very touching to me. Thank you for your insight and kind words today.

As your H, he is not in extreme depression that we read about. He still goes to work (not doing well there, though), runs, works out, goes out (not to the extent before), and by all accounts, looks "fine." But, the rare times we talk, the depression comes out in a BIG way. I used to think this was fake, but I think this is the covert depression, not full-blown yet.

Check, check, check. That is my H exactly. He's not curled up in a ball on the bed refusing to leave the house. I don't ever see him hitting a stage where he would allow himself to do that; it's just not like him.
Like you said, I've also experienced conversations via phone with my H that clearly showed me how depressed he was getting. I distinctly remember a bad one in late Oct. that H initiated. I think he had finally realized no matter what he tried to do to rid himself of the sadness inside of him, it didn't work. He seemed to want me to know he was NOT happy still. We talked a while about this and I was kind and friendly, and supportive. But of course happiness is really a decision of the mind...and you have to spring it forth from within before your everyday life reflects it back to you. H doesn't understand this.

I have no idea if OW is in the picuture or which one he's on now. He also has a lot of female friends he hangs out with that are leeches.
To further the comparisons, I don't know what the status of "ow" is, either, but I'd say she is most likely not playing a star role in his life anymore, now that he's been hanging out with this female friend (FF). I cannot say that this girl is a leech or anything badly about her; she isn't. She's actually a nice and decent person who H worked with several years back in the dept. and she knows our situation. H says neither of them are looking to make this a romantic relationship and they just hang out because they are both single. I can almost believe that, knowing this person. If it were someone else, I wouldn't. But then again, what do I really know?

I think this edge of regret is hard. To come back or not to. That means facing things and they're not ready, and might not ever be. My H also thinks it's easier to "move on." But he also talked about "starting over." It's a scary spot. It's easier not to think of it. That's what my H does, live in denial. I think yours is there too.


H always said, from day one of him leaving, that he was not coming back. And he pretty much stood by that, no matter how many times he waivered. But now I am wondering if my moving several hours away has deterred any reconciliation? Because if I were still nearby and he was at this point, would he be more inclined to call ME up to see a movie instead of this friend of his? I wonder a LOT about this...and it's making me very sad.

I think it's lots of time for thought, regret, guilt and shame.
I agree 100% with you. I've heard all of this from H.

I think it's finally seeing that you can't play games forever with people, eventually they get sick of you and move forward.
Right. I agree again. And H knows I've dabbled in the dating scene too. I think it was good for him to know this. It erased that pathetic picture in his head of me sitting around waiting for him with no life of my own.

Be glad that we're not there, with them, to go through this. Remember what a living hell it was to live with/near him while he went through replay.
Oh, honey, it was a living hell indeed. Thank God it isn't this time, last year. I really truly was in a bad way then. Not that I'm fantastic now, but at least I've pulled it together somewhat better than that. I could never survive that again, so yes, thankfully we are both not living thru that awful, arrogant replay stage anymore.

I'm not going to contact him for a while. He knows how I feel. It seems to me that if I were worth any value to him he would move mountains to have us back together. The fact that he doesn't seem to want to do anything makes me feel like I don't mean anything to him anymore, even though he says he does miss me. I just don't understand I guess.

[hopefloats7]

lael,

I love to hear from you; thank you for posting. I'm sorry your H is still chasing his tail and making you crazy. I fully understand that. I am happy he agreed to see a C though, and that you will support him thru this time. Good for you. Maybe and hopefully, things are going to start turning around.

I don't know what makes my H unable to tell me that he doesn't see us together anymore. It may just be a passive-aggressive trait. He can't even commit to NOT commiting. Who knows? I surely don't.

What I see happening is him resigning himself to the mistake he made and having to live the rest of his life with it...but not with me.

[Truelove]

Hi Hope,
I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Hang in there. HUGS