I have been posting on the infidelity bb for the past several months getting some great advice; however, I have come to realize that subconsciously my mind is focused on the OM and further what I do for her is not out of love but manipulation given I am looking for a certain response. The bomb was dropped in late July; my W stated she wanted a D because she was not happy. She denied that there was anyone else at the time. I later was told by her that she had been having an EA for the past year with someone she had meet when she was 15 and stayed in contact with off and on for the past 18 years. Through all of this I took the approach that I was not in agreement and further I would not be the one to act on that decision. We slept in different bedrooms, spoke with lawyers, went to see a C, prayed a lot and somehow survived to this point. She loves me but is not ILWM, she wants our M to work; however, is acting on blind faith given she doesn’t believe it can based on our past and the fact that we are different people. A little background on me I am a product of a divorced family. My father left when I was two and I have not seen him since. I would not be able to tell if he sat down next me in a restaurant. I have tried to find him in the past with no luck and to be honest I believe hoping that I would not find him but could say I tried. What my sitch has done is allowed me recognize the effect that it has on me and be aware of the feelings it generates inside of me such as someone that is afraid to be vulnerable and take a risk with people. These however are excuses and until I see things for how they truly are I believe I will be disappointed in myself. I need help finding the High road. I work with numbers and analyze and reanalyze all day long. I have thought recently that I need to have a CAT scan done to see if I do in fact have a left and a right brain and if so are they connected, LOL. My w actions show that I have an opportunity if I would just love, honor and cherish her beyond providing money, doing things (such as housework, etc.) and being home every night to help out with the kids. She wants to be loved and adored in her own words and has stated that if I cannot do that she has someone that can. She has stated that I get a lot of good advice through the books that I read or the C that I see but I do not apply it and partly due to the fact that she feels I am not honest with myself; therefore how could I change. I now recognize that I need to act as if and be the husband and father I want to be. I also need to post the detail regularly on this site in hope that other people can help me see what I am blinded to within my actions and how I sabotage what I am trying to accomplish. My family needs that kind of man and I want to impress myself and be that person. I am lost in the forest and need a compass that helps me on this journey of life to a better place for me and at the very least my children.
I'd start by reading DB/DR or reading up on everything relevant you can find here about detachment, 180s, getting a life, that sort of thing.
Bottom line is, if you're both truly committed to making it work, regardless of your past, being different, whatever, then you will make it work. That's it, no magic, whether someone is just starting out or they're starting over in the midst of all this crap.
Good luck and posting specific questions or seeking opinions on specific problems/circumstances will get you the most responses.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
TL, thanks for the response, I will follow your advice. I will be out of touch until Monday and will focus on specifics as opposed to general ideas when I post next.
FS, What is the status of your R sith your W? Are you still living together? Are you separated? Is she giving you any hopeful signs that reconciliation is possible? Is she actually seeing the OM. or just thinking of him?
It sounds like you are acknowledging the mistakes that you've made, and are willing to work on self-improvement.
Concerned_Listener
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
CL, we are living together and there are hopeful signs that she would like to see us together in the future with her words and actions and unfortunatly I know at least as early as two weeks ago still talking with the OM.
This past weekend we traveled to her fathers home to celebrate the holidays. Our oldest son had the stomach bug the entire time which made things a little more challanging than usual. My w made an interesting comment to me during the weekend. She thanked me for all that I was doing and she wanted to make sure that I felt comfortable asking her for help with our children and stated that she felt like she was not doing enough. I assured her that I felt she was doing enough and that I was more than comfortable asking her for help and gave an example of earlier that day when I needed her help with our one year old. She started this discussion as we were going to sleep and I believe that I should have given it more attention and probed a little deeper to unederstand if her concern was related to how she views herself in our r or if it was a feeling of how she may have been perceived by her family given what I was doing. The family is unaware of what we are going through. I seem to have much more difficulty responding when approached by my w as opposed to when I approach her. I may be reaching; however, this may be a good example of the control that I like to have that my w has pointed out to me through the use of 2x4, lol.
Every time my wife goes to the other room, I get this feeling that she is texting the OM. She picked up on this during this past weekend and asked if I wanted to check her phone, stated that she was not doing anything and said that she honestly wanted things to work out. I have never been a jealous or paronoid person until now. I now have to keep reminding myself not to bring up the OM, not to look for her phone; however, through this my actions betray what I am not saying. I know that even if she is talking with the OM that it should not effect what I do; however, in my subconsious I have dreams at night about catching her with the OM that leave me exhausted and anxious. She has lied to me in the past about the OM and I feel needy and desparate when I start thinking about him. I know this whole process is not about him; however, easier said than done.
This past weekend we ml and in the past one of her complaints was that I did not pay enough attention to her. This time I really focused on her and she got upset at one point in the begginning asking why I did not do this in the past and said lets just go to slip. I instead kept giving her attention and we did ml and when we were finished she asked where did that come from. I simply stated that I was now paying alot more attention to her.
Another issue that arose this past weekend was that in the past she was upset that I did not to a good job of anticipating needs, hers or anyone else's. I mentioned about going to the store to get something for our sick s and she commented that I was really doing a good job and she was impressed at the things I was now doing. I thanked her for noticing what I have been doing and this upset her. She said a simple thank you would have been better since I have a habit of pointing out what I do for her. She is 100% right with this comment and I could have kicked myself for continuing to do this. She is a smart women who notices what I do and unfortuntly what I do not do. When I point it out is becomes a form of manupulation vs. love. I know all of this and continue to screw up.
For some reason it is apparent that I like to take charge and wave my flag for all to see. This is clearly how I was raised and an skill that is not helping me with my r.
I was kind of all over the place but wanted to include actual issues that came up during the past weekend.
Journaling My C was able to point out that I have not accepted all outcomes with my R. Out of fear I have not accepted that my W may leave me. By not accepting this outcome I am not able to act “as if” and be an authentic husband and father. He simply stated that the solution to this is time. This has caused me to step back and try to evaluate my goals and actions, and think of the analogy that the surgery was a success; however, the patient died. I seem to be living this due to the fact that I am so concerned with the process and watching my every move that I miss out on the big picture. I have difficulty changing gears and paying attention. Last night my w was angry, I know that this is just depression turned outward and given that both children are sick could be just plain frustration. The problem was that I tried to comfort her in indirect ways; however, I did not feel comfortable initiating a convo on the subject. I felt that for whatever reason that it would turn into a convo regarding us and the fact that she may want something different and maybe feels trapped. I thought given her mood that I would only make it worse rather than making it better. If I am going to be the strong father and husband my family needs I need to figure out how to approach the difficult situations when they arise as opposed to avoiding them and it would appear that this is a result of the fear that I harbor. I understand that she carried the weight of our R on shoulders for a long time and that I have only been at this since late July (seems like an eternity) I also realize that she would love for me to stay in the triangle with OM. In that sense she will win, if I change and become the man she desires great, if I do not then she goes to the OM which in her mind is an improvement. I know I can not compete and further realize that any message I am sending that this is a competition needs to stop. As I look back through my life I have been successful when I did not worry about a negative outcome and acted as if I did not care. In this case I believe my children are making it difficult for me to reframe the way I am thinking and lose the fear; however, we all know that if I do not do this I will project a negative outcome. The answer is simple the process is extremely difficult. I need to find the courage to take the journey and realize it is not in my control. We both do not need an R where we thank each other for taking the trash out or cleaning up the house.
Tl, I have read DB and have started on DR. I have also read five love languages and his needs, her needs. These have all helped in my understanding of what I did not do in the past and what I need to do in the future. My W's primary love language is quality conversation which has been the most difficult for me to achieve. Last night she approached me frustrated that we are still not having quality conversations. Our convo went something along these lines:
W: I do not like the way you talk to me, you do not talk with me. M: Have I always communicated that way with you or have there been times that I have spoken with you as opposed to at you? W: You speak with me when you want to ML, and then she gave a example of the other night. M: I can see how you feel that way, especially since that is exactly what I have done in the past, I disagree about that being my intention the other night; however, I can see how it would appear to be. W: You need to hurry up and figure out how to talk with me because I am losing my love for you every day. M: I am sorry to hear that, I have not done a good job of listening to you in the past and appearing to be interested in what you have to say. I am trying to communicate with now because ILY not to create a response from you, I am doing it because I am interested in you.
When we went on later to talk about how she felt I am only motivated by money, that my friends are people that are there to make more money with and that given what she knows about me now she would not pick me as a friend. I validated all of her feelings, not agreeing with these statements but understanding how she could feel this way. She asked for examples of why I felt different and I gave them to her. I am obviousily very hurt that I have given this impression to my W and to a point she is right that in the past I got caught up with trying to excell at my occupation, it became a living game of monopoly. I am disappointed that since she hit me with a 2x4 that the changes I have made, comming home early from work, taking care of responsability's at home, spending time with the children during the week,and paying attention to her needs still do not meet her primary love language of quality communication. She is still in the stage that focuses on what I did not do and then assumes why I did not do these things and concludes it is something I do unconcious and therefore can not be changed. In the past I would have hit the panic button and tried to tell her that her feelings were wrong. I now know that her feelings are not wrong and that I can do backflips; however, if it is not speaking her love language it will not move me closer to the goal of a new R with my W. Any advice would be much appreciated given that it is my nature to try harder and what I need to do is work smarter. Thanks for reading.
