Have you ever expressed yourself sexually in a desperate or needy way? I'm trying to imagine what that would look like. I know this can be difficult because I do remember before the divorce wanting to be desired by my husband, but not having his interest and not knowing how to inspire it. I remember buying some sexy things, but feeling much too intimidated to wear them or feeling silly about the whole thing. That's probably what you mean by desperate. I can understand that.
I think this sums up my W's experience to a "T". She never felt comfortable BEING sexual/sexy even though she got plenty of attention and compliments from me and most other men she's met.
Unfortunately, the only way I got to this point was divorce. And sadly that's how I've noticed other women getting to this too. Sometimes it's these life changing experiences that allow us to grow in unexpected ways.
And for my W, it was her affair that was the life changing thing that made her realize not only was she "sexual" but she needed that from her marriage if she was going to stay married. From there, she was a LOT more expressive and dropped the whole "I can't wear THAT to bed", or "I can't DO that, or ask HIM to do that to me". It must feel extremely liberating for my W to finally be able to just "be" in a way that gets her what she wants...I'm just glad it's me giving it to her.
Sadly, it wasn't my husband that made me feel desired, but going out with girlfriends during my divorce, actually looking at other men (I'm oblivious to them during marriage!), and finally realizing that other men found me attractive and sexy that made me feel this way.
Again, as I have said, I would not take back this past year even if I could, it this is one of the reasons. In some twisted way, OM actually did me a favor by waking something up in my W that had little to do with him and everything to do with HER desire to be satisfied. Once that was awakened and we started to be able to communicate better...BAM, things were 1000% different.
Mama, she's right, you have to take what seems like a risk to be what you want. It's not foolish, silly or anything else be sexy/sexual. I think you suffer from the same lack of confidence that your H sees you as sexy/sexual but IMHO, that is really projection from you onto him. YOU don't see yourself that way and it's because you're waiting for him to tell you that you are. Stop waiting. You are what you make of yourself, or in this case, what you allow yourself to express.
I guess I am saying to you what OT said to me countless times. Pin him to the wall, kiss him harder than he's ever been kissed before then take him to the bedroom and f--k the crap out of him. If, anywhere along the way, he balks at that, just keep walking...um...do that to yourself and try again the next day.
The point is that you now understand what you want and it's time to go get it!
Reged: 05/12/06 Posts: 893 Loc: ...Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves, without any insistence that they satisfy you. Re: Things are still pretty good [Re: grasshopper] #1300598 - 12/06/06 10:18 AM Edit Reply Quote
Mama,,,,
I know you said you had a hard time understanding the Book Passionate marriage,, On page 75 I had Highlighted this for myself... SEX becomes beautiful when we bring our personal beauty into it. The issue isnt simply who your parner is, whether you are in love, or how good you can do it.IT'S WHO YOU ARE.
TO GET REALLY GRAPHIC HERE WHEN I MET MY H I WAS VERY SURE OF MYSELF AND FELT VERY SEXY,, I TOOK THAT WITH ME TO THE BEDROOM NOT B/C HE MADEME FEEL THIS WAY BUT B/C I already felt his way and he complimented it. Our sex life was Fantastic, I was not worried about how I looked or how I sounded or what I was doing it just came from within and I was amazing,,,,, then came the three kids three years in a row and boom that part of me disappeared..,.. I was In MOM MODE.....
I tried hard to get that me back in the last few years but it never seemed to come back ( that part of me was hidden very well, After all a good Catholic Girl isnt supposed to be a Highly ensual Being too,(( I used to feel like this, tooo much))))) like I told you yesterday , when I find the passage I will pass it along, But GOD actually wants you to enjoy your H and yourself it is a blessing to have such Beauty in your love Making),,
I was too worried , can the kids hear me, ,I am being selfsh cause I want to be in my bedroom for hours ML to him, the dishes arent done,, oh gees I forgot to pay that darn bill etc etc,,,,,
Shortly before the bomb I went out and got the BOOK PM and many lightbulbs went off.
By me not allowing myself to feel sexy or let myself be taken by my H or just relaxing and being a Woman and putting MOM MODE on the back burner for just a bit and just really letting my hair down ,, I WAS MAKING MY H FEEL UNDESIRED, UNWANTED AND JUST PLAIN AWFUL. ( he himself told me this) When we reconciled and one nite ( of many) that we were ML , I remember I truly just let go and was really just with him, I was not worried about the kids or anything and for a moment was not comparing myself to the OW and he said to me,, this is what I have been waiting for this is amazing.
I think when we truly love ourselves and are really putting ourselves into ML our H'S can really sense and feel who we are and it makes it so much better not just Hot and sexy but it takes it to a whole new level of ENJOYMENT/INTIMACY.
SORRY FOR RAMBLING BUT I USED TO BE EXACTLY WHERE YOU ARE AT ( AND I AM CATHOLIC TOO ..) AND WHEN I LET GO AND JUST PUT MYSELF INTO IT , I can honestly tell you our Sex life now is the best it has ever been.This whole subject is a very complicated one and yet you are getting fabulous advice here this place is awesome. Best wishes to you sweetie,, God bless...
-------------------- YOUR LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE, TO A LARGE EXTENT ,WHAT YOU MAKE IT ... Your life is yours. You own it, and what you make of it is purely up to you.
Wow, GH, I am honored that you opened up a new thread with me as the topic. Thanks, I'll open a new one for myself and see if I can remember how to link.
I remember OT telling you to pin your wife against the wall. You were very hesitant at first, yet when you finally did, amazing things happened. So...I will definitely try it. What is the worst thing that can happen? He will stand there like an unresponsive mannequin as he has done several times.
Alimari, you described things pretty well. When H and I first met I was very confident about who I was. We were crazy in love and the sex was fantastic, spontaneous, uninhibited and fun. Then came one pregnancy after another; I was pregnant 6 times in 8 years (2 miscarriages, 1 stillborn and 3 beautiful children) and this took a toll on our R. I was grieving the children lost, and exhasuted from the ones I had; 2 were 16 months apart with the oldest having colic.
Now that my kids are a bit older and not quite so dependant on me I find that I no longer need or have to be Mom 24/7, I can also be my H's lover (which I should have been all along but did not know it).
Years of an almost non-existant sex life left my H feeling unwanted and undesired - kind of like how I feel now. This is what led to his A, he obviously started getting the attention he was missing from OW and it made him feel good so he acted on it. Although it hurts me like hell I really can't blame him.
Sorry GH, I will now attempt to move this to a new thread of my own.
GOOD MORNING sWEETIE,, YOU KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO SAY TO YOU?
I THOUGHT OF THIS YESTERDAY AS I WAS WONDERING HOW TO HELP YOU,,,,,
Maybe your h is just as nervous as you,,,,, maybe he feels like you do not "want" him,,,,,
And who the h*ll say s you are not still the sexy , amazing, awesome Woman you were when you met?? YOU!
I do the same d*amn thing,, I compare myself to the Ow and you know what wanting to help you get out of this funk has actually blessed me ..... Who In Gods name has said we arent sexy etc etc noone,, we placed that upon uourselves,,,,,
You are awesome when he got involved with the OW it wasnt b/c you arent desirable it was b/c he felt undesirable,,,
I know for me that when we were seperated and I started to let my guard down and show him how I felt that things started changing,,,,,,
I always found him desrable but never showed it I figured I am not soo sexy he doesnt need me and I was sooooooooooooo wrong!
You alone have decided you are not desirable just as I had( and sometimes still do) stop doing that today and be the sexy confident WOMAN you are underneath all the fear and self doubt and you will see the results are amazing. I used to also think it was selfish of me to want and to want to be desired ...
~~~~ BECAUSE GEEZ I am a MOM and a WIFE and I stopped being a Woamn and that is what they need most of all for us to be confident and love ourselves and then show them how much we love them. It is in you deep in there buried under all the pain of him choosing someone else and so please try to find her again and like I said you will soon then see that the results are AMAZING,,, let yourself feel beautiful and loved. You are so worth it and you need to believe that in order to live it.
The OW is sitting there just fine and justified in who she is and we decide that well maybe we are not good enough B*LLSH*T.
And like I said this has helped me open my eyes sooooo much,,,, D*MN IT we are awesome and we need to stop giving her so much D*MN power......
I havent forgotten her or all the pain I have felt or how inferior I felt and sometimes still do.
......but I doubt she is walking around comparing herself to us so we need to stop and realize how beautiful we are and be happy,, we do not owe her being sad and caught up in her,,,, ,,,, we owe it to ourselves to love ourselves and be the best we are and enjoy our M.
You are Beautiful Mama start Today to love yourself more and stop worrying so much,, you can do this !!!!!!!!!!( and you know what I want to do this too!! ) GOD BLESS...
Quote: Maybe your h is just as nervous as you,,,,, maybe he feels like you do not "want" him,,,,,
This is true. He basically wrote that to me a couple of weeks ago.
I do want him, very much so but I am afraid that he will see it as me trying to be someone that I am not and it's only because I haven't been like this for years.
Quote: I do want him, very much so but I am afraid that he will see it as me trying to be someone that I am not and it's only because I haven't been like this for years.
Yes but what would GH say
I had the same fear with my W but in my case it was more like, "I'm afraid she will see me as the same insensitive just-be-my-sexbuddy jerk she saw me as for so many year."
What I picked up on was that if you're genuine and honest and do it out of real love for the person you're married to then it really doesn't matter what happens. Seriously. You simply MUST do it at some point because it's just who you are, and marriage is about being who you are with your spouse. And if what you want and who you are is a good thing, then I would say you're almost obligated to do it, at least for yourself.
If it's honest, then who cares if he doesn't get it at first? It may take time.
We avoid everything good because we don't want to be hurt or rejected. A natural response, I've been there, at times still am. And there's a time when we need to heed that response, but there comes a window of opportunity which opens up at some point where we have to start being willing to risk again because without it, the natural caution that helps us protect ourselves when it's reasonable to do so becomes a hindrance that stunts our growth, both as individuals and as married people. Very rarely are both spouses at the same place at the same time. One jumps ahead a little bit and calls the other to follow. You don't do your spouse a service if you suppress something good because of their fear...all you do is make your marriage about fear rather than overcoming stuff together. Sometimes we need our spouses to jump start things cause we can't see it.
So we have to get strong and love out of our strength. The strength is whatever we have that allows us to understand and accept the risk and the pain that may accompany it, but which also recognizes that that pain and hurt will not destroy or obliterate our self-worth, that realizes even if it goes south the first time, maybe it's planting a seed anyway that will flourish one day.
So we have to take the risk and be genuine, open, and sincere. And go for it. Because if it's honest, it helps us anyway, and however they respond to it isn't as relevant as what it says about, and does for, us.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
TL, that has to be the best, most succinct post I have ever read on this subject. Mama, if you can follow this advice, listen to what TL says, I think you will get MUCH farther ahead in your sitch.
I have nothing to add. It is perfection. Read, and then re-read.
Thanks guys, I feel like you all have been telling me this for a while now and the only reason I am not doing it is out of fear.
You probably feel like you are beating a dead horse, basically telling me the same thing 25 different ways until I get it. I get it! Now to take action.
Hey, no worries sweetie, I'm a founding member of the Dead Horse Club.
In fact, sometimes, even though the horse has been dead and buried for a long time, I want to dig it up and beat it a while anyhow, just for old times' sake
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
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