I am divorced now. It's okay I am fine with it. It happened time to move on.
Being one that takes awhile to understand things I've realized that since we are divorced the MLC is not over. I have been thinking that it was. I thought in my head that MLC was over with the divorce. Isn' that crazy. I am packing up the house thinking of things that have been happening.
He is still out there on the mothership. Unbelievable. He has our daughter as his favorite child. He takes care of her and all her needs. Our two sons are left out in the cold. The H doesn't go out of his way at all to call them or try and set up a diiner together, It was just Thanksgiving and The H went to the beach to see his, (cough cough) sorry family. He didn't even stop by on the way. He drove right by the exit to the house and didn't stop to see his youngest son. The H did invite him to the beach for a few days....but The H doesn't realize that the s22 doesn't like his family or that he had to drive 3 hours to see his dad. S22 doesn't go out of his way to see his dad and he told me that he doesn't answer when he calls the cell phone. I didn't know this. My oldest son called his sister one evening and he spoke to her about how Dad treats son 30 and son 22 compared to her. My oldest son said he let her have it, because she doesn't see what he really is like right now and how H treats 22 and himself. I guess that they see how bad their father is and he is doing it to himself. He is alienateing the boys but not the daughter. He will learn about all of this someday. I think that they do this with their children alienate them or pick a favorite.
He was and could still be a mean and nasty person like after the D was final. He was real nasty and arrogant. But I stood my ground on issues and didn't budge, In fact on somethings I was so determined to have it my way that he couldn't talk to me because I have stood up to him and he can't take it. He can't handle that he is not in charge with telling me what to do and how things are going to be done. I tell him I have to think about it and get in touch later to him. I don't call him back. His favorite line thru this MLC is I'll call you. Yep, I'll be waiting. Waiting for hell to freeze over. I have no intentions or desires to see him or talk to him. Not now, maybe in a few years but not now.
The other thing that he is doing now is coming by for the mail on a weekley basis. He never did this pre D. Waited weeks before coming by. I told my lawyer that he was not allowed in the house until I moved. That he had to stop threating me about the alimony and other settlement issues. He gets the mail out of a truck that we own. It is always here. I put the mail and other things that he asks for in there. But I think that I am going to forget about putting it in there one day soon and let him into the house. It's all upside down with so much packed up. Let him see it this way, just because. He has also been calling more than usual. He doesn't have my new cellphone number. Hasn't asked for it and I'm not offering. I have a new phone number in the condo and that is the same. He doesn't need it I think. If he asks for it I'm not real sure what I will do. Have to wait and see if that happens.
Also, I asked him if he remembered his birthday party at S30 house last March '06 and he does not. Doesn't remmember what was said that involved him. Doesn't remmember at all. This was just Wed before Thanksgiving that I asked him. I thought that he would remmember that because he spoke to his parents, cough again, sorry let me go on.. he spoke about his issues. That's right his issues. His feeling of abandoment and how his grandfather almost let him drown off the coast of England. That his grandmother never liked him. He spoke out loud about this and his mother said to him.. don't be silly. Don't be riduclous. Great huh? His father just laughed. No wonder this man has had a MLC..his parents didn't treat him right. He has always been the caretaker in that family. Yet hates doing for his very own right now. He has taken up with his biological family so much, it's unbelieveable. These are the people that he once said to me after being with his mother,father and sister for 4 days on a trip that quote "I was the most normal person in his life" unquote. He told me stories of how they acted and behaved. He said that he wouldn't do that again. These are the people that always come to him for money and help. They always have. And now, he hates thinking about taking care of anything for his own family...hates it. Told my daughter that she didn't have to marry a man for his money. What the hell was that about. We never had a bundle of it and I never complained. Money is not my thing yet he talks to our daughter like I married him or stayed with him because of the money. ... It is crazy.
He has a "girlfriend" that lives about an hour and a half from here. We went to high school with the SKANK. She wasn't nice then and I don't think that she is now. Any way he says that they are not like that... meaning that they aren't boyfriend and girlfriend... odd he spends ever weekend in Ashburn Va at ...no I shouldn't give out say her number or name or address.. The bank statement says it all. He's there every weekend. What is up with him not being able to confirm that he has a girlfriend? I know that she exists...why does he say that about their relationship? to protect me I really doubt it. I don't get that one at all. He screamed to me on the phone once that I couldn't tell him who he could date. Screamed it... I just laughed. Nope just the wife here, thought that I had a say in it. Sorry I was wrong there.
Today he called . My mother answered the phone I was outside . I came in to take the call and why he needs to call I don't know why but It is about a check for alimony that I have to send back to him. I needed it for proof that every month I recieve alimony for the purchase of the condo. Why did he call about it. I am sending it back to him. To this house...laugh. He wanted me to put in the weekley mail sack. Why did he call today?
I have not seen him since September for a brief time. I haven't asked about him since before that time. I did call last week the day before thanksgiving and wished him a happy one that I knew it was his favorite holiday. We had a nice chat but nothing personal for him or me.
I don't see him waking up or walking out the fog for quite some time. He gets very angry real fast and still blames me...post D we had alot of interacting about the settlement and what needed to be done. He got mad alot. Acted out. I just ignored him or gave it right back. But since I now remember that he is still in MLC this post D life with MLC is just as crazy.
He also travels a great deal. He played softball this past summer in two leagues and traveled to Las Vegas, Chicago, Florida, California, North Carolina all over for US playing softball. He is still in the busy mode. He has to stay busy so that he doesn't have to face his issues. Really busy. I know that they do this so that they don't have to think about the issues and feelings that they have. He stays constantly busy. He also takes alot of time off at work. He hates working. Wants to retire. He is so far in debt that I really think that he going to have to go bankrupty in order to live again. He has hocked tothis house up to the max. I don't know how he pays the bills and now alimony. But that is his business.
All of it is his business in reality. I know that I can't fix him or his problems but I just realized today that MLC is not over... Life goes on and I am number one now. I don't see us ever getting back together. Only time will heal all wounds and that is what I say alot to myself. It just takes time. He needs to wake up and see the hurtful damage that he has done to his family. How he will ever be able to forgive himself for what he has done I don't know if he will be able too. I just wish that he had peace and happiness in his life. That he wakes up soon and can go on. Find happiness and peace with it all. I forgive him for the past 5 years,, I really do becuase they really don't know what they have done... Would they have stopped. YES Would they have hurt the people that they love the most in their lives, NO.
I hope that he lands with his feet first. That the pain that he ignores daily will eventually go away. That he gets peace and happiness all the days of his life. I just wish that this was over for him......ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Itsy, I'm so sorry. I guess I got caught up...I've been meaning to post back to you. Swim meet tomorrow and posting to keepingthefaithbb7 on my midafternoon break...I'll try and catch up on Sunday.
Please keep posting so we can keep up with you and offer HUGS. It's not that we don't care...but it is so hard to follow all the threads around here.
But please, we really care and are here to listen.
Itsy, Mlc finishes when he's ready to face his issues and demons. It could take years after the divorce for this to happen. That's why it is so very important to go on w/your life after the divorce. Once you've moved to your condo, I suspect that he's going to have reality smack him full in the face. He knows what he did was wrong, but he's not ready to face the truth.
As for the mail, leave it where you've been leaving it. He doesn't need to come into your home until you are moved. Let him see the house after you've moved and that's when he will notice that many of the things he once cherished are gone. Please don't back down on allowing him in while you are packing. Keep that boundary in place.
Yep, forgetting things, anger, the panic mode of calling and reminding you to do certain things is all part of it.
I'm sorry to hear that he's selected one child to be his best bud. I can feel for your sons. Your xh will have a lot of damage control to do once he's left the crisis. Listen and validate your sons' comments. They need to know that you are there for them.
As for you, pamper yourself whenever you can and know that once you move, it will be your choice as to whether or not you want to have contact w/your xh. You are now the driver of the bus, not him!
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I find this interesting there was a case this time last year when my now xh asked me about something and I said we had already done that 9 months ago, it was a matter of tending to his grandmas grave, he helped me to titivate it up in feb/march last year then in december he asked if he thought we should do it, he genuinely couldn't remember doing it, then this year he phoned me and gave me a right blasting on the phone for visiting his aunt, said we were scheming about him and he wanted me out of his house, he was threating to destroy me and saying really nasty things, then again three weeks ago more verbal came reminding me that I am an horrendous mother, the day after he calmed down and phoned me and was talking ok, I asked him what I have ever done wrong to him to deserve all this poison, you know he said he hadn't phoned me back in May but he can remember phoning his aunt and falling out with her, and yes I do believe he cant remember phoning. Yet only 3 weeks ago he married ow, is he ever going to say he cant remember marrying her, or the fact that he traded me in?
My h was so forgetful for a period that a doctor friend of mine wondered if he had a brain tumour, or other underlying medical condition. That seems to have gone now, and he remembers things pretty well . . . or at least I think he does, but then I m not in contact with him, at present
Angelica, I thought the same thing about my xh--brain tumor. It's the depression that creates such havoc w/their memories and other behaviors.
Will they forget they are married to the ow? No. But they do forget the general, routine things that we know that they should remember. Eventually, as they come out of the fog of depression, they do remember some things, but not all of what they've done.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly - yes I had heard that depression could cause extreme forgetfulness. It was also a period when he was sleeping very long hours, which I believe is another depression side effect.
My kids tell me on their infrequent contacts that he sounds terribly unhappy, but is still insisting that everything is fine. Heigh ho . . .
JUST JOURNALING..... I went out Christmas shopping today. Got some gifts for family members. Then I bought new stuff for my new condo. YYYYYIIIIIPPPPPEEEEE, it's all about me. HA When I returned tonight I went upstairs to my bedroom and I noticed that the vases that my exh used to put change in were gone. I didn't know what had happened to them. They had been in this house ever since he left. I never touched them. I did take out some very old coins so that s22 would not mistake as usable money and not rare coins. This is the first time I noticed that they were gone. I called exh and asked him if he had taken them and a small wooden box off the dresser, he said that he had. He must have done it 2 weeks ago when I was at work. He is not suppose to come in here and he does anyway. Brat.... Why after two years does he come and get them? I was leaving them behind anyway. The man is crazy. Did he think that I was taking them? Or does he need the change? I swear he gets weirder by the day. Don't know why he came for them. Can't figure this one out. He keeps coming around here and I don't like it. He's been told by my lawyer not to come in the house until I'm gone. I've told him too. So much for him staying in a boundary. I should enforce it but don't know how since we are still both on the title to the house.
Just makes me think about him in here and I don't like to think about him. Anyway just posting wondering what he is up too. ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
I believe that their not remembering all the cruel and angry and hurtfull things they have done is a coping mechanism and protects them from the hurt they would feel if all that stuff came down on them at once. Call it what you like, but some of the MLCer's on here could never ever face all the things they have done if they came pouring in on them all at once.
As far as them entering the house when you have said not to: they feel it as an entitlement. Even thought it is now you home, because he still if part owner, he feels that entitlement. I consulted with an attorney and upon his adivce, changed the locks on the house. My H went so far as to come into the house and answer my phone calls when he was there and also deleted any messages that might have been on the answering machine. Of course, he never let me know who had called or what my messages were.
You are doing very well with all you are having to deal with right now. I only hope I am as strong if we have to go to court about the house. H is so far in debt that it is ridiculous and I refuse to lose the house for which I paid my 1/2 in cash 20 years ago and he has yet to finish paying his 1/2 of the house. We set it up that way so we could each leave 1/2 of the house to our kids==all from a previous marriage.
I guess I am to the point you are at where all I want is to get it settled and move forward with my life. Time's a wasting as far as I am concerned. I love him with all my heart, but he shows no signs of wanting to coming back.
Thank you all for answering my post. I really appreciate it. Yes I know that being so forgetful is depression. But they are in their little orbits of self indulgence and we are left out in the cold. Which is fine. I don't want to know what he does. I would be crazy.
Since I've realized that he is still having MLC I have regressed. It's not good. I sat in a chair for two days now. I know in my head it is wrong but I am obsessing again. I need to quit and get on with a life. I wish that I never reealized what was going on. It gets me to thinking again and I don't need that. I was doing so great and now I have spoken to people about him again. I'm on this BB again. This is not good. I got through so much alone and with my Mom and now I don't like myself for what I am doing. I'm thinking again and I don't want to think about it again. I don't want the feelings to come back. I don't want the depression. I don't want to obsess. I need to move on I need to go on alone. I know that I will be alright but something in me still says maybe.......this is not good. My therapist does not want to work on what I have been thru. She dismisses what I have been thru. Its' over, done.PERIOD. I am thinking of not going back anymore. I'm getting crazy. But i feel a need to talk about it. I want someone to listen to me about what i have going thru for the last two years. I need to get it out. It's anger and sadness at times now and I don't know how to deal with it. I still have hope and it makes me cry because I shouldn't have it. He will never come back. I know should he wake up that he would never come back and say that he was sorry and let's try again. He will never be able to come back on his own. He just won't do it.
I will read responses to this thread and get off this site again. It does not help me. I obsess to much and I get stuck and I don't move forward and if there is one thing that I am determined to do is get me back. I can't come here after this post except to read responses. Thank you if you respond....ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
