I am divorced from my H now. There was no way to stop it. I could forgive him for it all and there was alot. You can find posts to update if you want too. I have not been on the boards for a very long time. I am moving on in my life. I bought a new condo yesteday and will move sometime in December. I am making new friends at work. I stopped by a karate studio where I plan to take up karate. Something I always wanted to do. I have moved on in my life and it feels really good somedays. There are still other days that I fall apart. But you pick yourself up and keep making baby steps day by day. We had a nice conversation this afternoon about lunch time. I wished him happy thanksgiving and explained alot of things that have been going on. Brought him up to date.
Why I am writing now is because I had conversation and telephone contact with H this evening. He wrote me a email. It was about the alimony, how he was going to pay it and it pissed me off really big time. He doesn't have the right to tell me how he is going to pay after we decided on how in the first place in the seperation papers. I was so mad that I telephoned him. We got in to it, fighting and he hung up I continued to beep him and left a very very mean message on his girlfriends phone as well at his office. I told him that I wasn't done with him and that I would fight this battle to the end. That I loathed his parents to the fullest. I really hate his parents because if they say that this begins in their childhood then I really hold his parents to blame. They have 5 highly dysfuntional children. It's unbelieveable at times how they f 'ked up these people lives. I hold them at complete fault. I told him that I was going after his mom....I meant verbally. That I hold his parents accountable for the way he is now. That they did not treat him well as a youngster and as a adult. I tried to explain that last year at his birthday party when he verbalized his feelings to his mom and dad and what they said to him. They told him don't be silly. Don't be ridiculous. His fahter just slapped his knee and laughed. I was so mad I could't see straight. I wanted to stand up and fire away at them with what they had just done. My husband tried to defend himself and still they didn't hear him. I was livid!!! I never said anything. Tonight I tried to tell him what they did. He doesn't remember at all. It is sad. He was the good silent son and still is. He lets them use him and take his money. I despise them both for what they have done. I wonder at times if he out of the tunnel and has moved on. I think at times he is still in the tunnels and will never get out. That is something that I will not handle well because he deserves to be happy and at peace from all this MLC He told my daughter several weeks ago that she didn't have to marry for money......I felt that was a direct hit on me. I didn't know that I had. WE were dead broke when we got married,,, didn't even have dishes or furniture, nothing...We never had alot of assets or free cash flow. I bought more than 3/4 of the furniture and accesorries for this house. I worked all the time that we were married, took care of three children, house and yard. Just me day in and day out. I never had honey do's. I always cooked from scatch. We ate out later in the kids lives because they were sometimes not here. But I truly did all except the monthly bills and even that he wanted me to do. I never said that he couldn't play sports. He is very much the atheltic and played softball all summer two nights a week and every weekend for 15 years then he took up golf. I never bithced about the golf but did about the softball because it really took him away from the "family". But that was hopeless he never stopped. Tonight I tried to explain the correlation between his parents and him and it did not work. Maybe someday he will see it. I can only hope... I still need to know at times if he is still in MLC or not... He still has a girlfriend I think that is what she is he wasn't with her tonight or he would never have called me back...3 times after I reamed him out, and he listened the voice messages they were really bad he still called. If he is still in then I think he might have gone back to anger. He doesn't like me I can sense it and I remember the anger stage very well... He might be in the tunnels dealing with the issues but I doubt it because he said that he did not see it ( the correlation between him and his awful parents.) One day I hope that he sees it so he can move forward to a life that he deserves... one of peace and happiness...something that I want for him.
Well, I have vented this evening and wish that someone could tell me where he is at now... is he over or still in there..I think that he is still in there.. I hope that it is over soon for him.
ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Itsy, I'm glad you returned to post an update. I'm sorry the divorce went through, but for now, I think it was the best thing to happen for the both of you. Your xh has a lot of issues to deal w/and you can't be in the middle of the mess.
Itsy, you've tried very hard to explain to your xh what happened in his childhood, etc. Please stop doing that. He's not really ready to hear what you've got to say and until he hits bottom and finally sees himself in the mirror for the mess he's become, he won't acknowledge what you've attempted to tell him. As for his parents, they can't and won't accept the blame for their parenting skills. Let it go. You can't fix this situation. They are the only ones that can and most likely won't.
Be there for your children and know that you are trying to do the best you can for them. You worked very hard to make a happy home for your xh and children. Don't allow what has transpired w/your xh to ruin the good memories. Take those memories and cherish them.
You have an opportunity now to spread your wings and rediscover itsy. It's time to do the things that you've put on the back burner for so many years. Unfortunately, your xh won't realize what a mess he's made for many years and those years will fly by very quickly and if and when he does wake up, he'll not recognize you for you will have changed and gone on w/your life.
Itsy, let him go completely and continue to keep the focus on you and your children. I sincerely hope that you will have a blessed and happy Thanksgiving.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Quote: Tonight I tried to explain the correlation between his parents and him and it did not work. Maybe someday he will see it. I can only hope...
The correlation is irrelevant. STOP trying to EXPLAIN things to him. Stop thinking you are the one who is right because he's in MLC. So his parents raised five dysfunctional kids. So they weren't great parents...SO WHAT. The ONLY person who is 100% responsible for your husband's behaviour is your husband [I don't like the term ex...I know you are divorced]...and please don't now come and try to 'explain' to me how they are responsible. Your husband is a big boy now. MLCers use many things to excuse their behaviour...stop doing it for him. And stop bad mouthing his parents...it's mean, rude and inappropriate--whether they are good parents or not...first others may disagree with you and second...they are his parents, his blood, and he love them. The result of your actions is only making YOU look bad.
Quote: He doesn't like me I can sense it
It doesn't take excellent sensory skills to figure that a person whose wife:
Quote: was so mad that I telephoned him. We got in to it, fighting and he hung up I continued to beep him and left a very very mean message on his girlfriends phone as well at his office. I told him that I wasn't done with him and that I would fight this battle to the end. That I loathed his parents to the fullest...
You beeped him incessantly AND called his girlfiend...OMG! And later you reference that you reamed him out. I bet the girlfriend feels pretty safe...cause it sounds like your playing the psycho script--sorry. I'm really not trying to be mean, but I want you to look at your behaviour and understand how it looks to others. A man in MLC has two women...a wife and an OW. There is a script for each person. The female scripts don't say wife or OW...just Psycho-Bitch and Understander/Strength or something like that. Either woman can pick up either script. But the show never ends with MLCer and Psycho-Bitch together. You can switch scripts in the middle...I suggest you do that.
I don't know if he was in MLC or not. If he was then NO, you do not need to know whether he is STILL in...why do I say that. Because I get the idea that you are a control person and will use that. But, if he was in MLC then he hasn't been in it long enough to be out.
Quote: He might be in the tunnels dealing with the issues but I doubt it because he said that he did not see it ( the correlation between him and his awful parents.)
You've got it backwards. If he's in the tunnel, of course he won't see a correlation...now release the hope that he sees it when out too, cause it doesn't matter. He needs to take responsibility rather than place blame.
I can't tell where he is at because this post was not about him...it was about you. I don't know anything about how he is reacting...other than how any sane person might react to your behaviour...and you might then interpret his reaction without considering how inappropriate you are being. People get angry...I would've if you'd called me, reamed me out, beeped me over and over and said you were going after my Mom. You behaviour is frightening him...and me...honeslty I might have called the police after your actions...and at the very least filed a report in case something happened. To him you are an excellent example of Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Who wouldn't be angry...the emotion doesn't mean he's in the MLC phase.
Now as for his motivation regarding how he was going to pay you the alimony...perhaps he was trying to work something out as an exception and was being genuine. Your information wasn't detailed enough to rule that out. And if he did respond enagrily...it was in response to your anger and thus still doesn't rule out an appropriate motivation.
But he also may have been baiting you. If that's the case you have just proven yourself a fish. Bating is a test to which the MLCer is attempting to incite your anger...to pass you are to remain calm but firm. First...when he proposes how he wants to pay...LISTEN...maybe he has a legitimate concern are set back. But when he tells you how he is going to pay...assuming this is different from the court mandation...tell him. I'm sorry, but the court has already spoken on this issue; if you want to alter the method you need to speak with your lawyer and go through the courts again. Say it nicely...not threateningly. telling him " I wasn't done with him and that I would fight this battle to the end..." comes off as a threat.
What do you need to do? Well you say you can forgive him. First you need to release the anger...cause you are the one in the Anger phase. Forgiveness comes with the release of anger...and for the record, it is not something one earns. Forgiveness is free like Agape. Does that mean you want him back or not...I can't tell.
But forgive him by working on your self. Karate is an excellent thing. This can help you focus on yourself and simply focus. Find that place of peace where you are happy with yourself. Find you inner strength and get rid of those gills unles you want to keep eating his worms.
I don't know where he is in the tunnel. I don't know if he was ever in the tunnel. It is time for you to look at yourself and make changes. None of us have been perfect in our marriages...you have set yourself up as the martyr:
Quote: I bought more than 3/4 of the furniture and accesorries for this house. I worked all the time that we were married, took care of three children, house and yard. Just me day in and day out. I never had honey do's. I always cooked from scatch. We ate out later in the kids lives because they were sometimes not here. But I truly did all except the monthly bills and even that he wanted me to do. I never said that he couldn't play sports. He is very much the atheltic and played softball all summer two nights a week and every weekend for 15 years then he took up golf. I never bithced about the golf but did about the softball because it really took him away from the "family". But that was hopeless he never stopped.
This was a great list of how you did everything...the long suffering wife. And you didn't complain...Oh, except about softball...and then you make an excuse for that. Maybe you need to look at why he did those things...escape from a long suffering spouse???
I don't know...haven't talked to him. But you do need to accept your jounrey now. Look in the mirror and start working on yourself. Switch scripts with the OW...that doesn't mean he and you will ride off int he sunset together...but it doesn't mean you won't if you decide you want that.
Please keep posting. I'm not trying to be mean or rude here. I'm worried about you. Anger is not healthy. But this is not all about him...a marriage takes two.
Rollercoaster Please never Post to my posts ever again....... You don't know what I have been thru you did not go back and read previous posts. Don't ever post to me again or I could tell you a thing or two about you.........
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Snodderly, Thanks so much for your words of kindness... I was extremely upset yesterday. Haven't been like that in a very long time... I am on my own and doing quite well. Yesterday was a set back. I will continue on with my own life I look forward to it. I have made alot of friends at work and look forward to going to work. I bought my home this week. I look forward to moving except the actual moving part. As soon as all the dust disappears from the move and as I look forward to being in MY own place I will continue to move forward with what I want to do in my life. I like making my own decsions and doing things that I like to do. I don't have to think about someone and what they want and in a funny way I really like that, it makes me feel powerful and in control of my own destiny. I can come and go as I please, stay up late. play poker all that I want and shop. The new place will have a definite focus for awhile which is a good thing, because I love to decorate and bring a room to life with a certain style that I love,,, British homes decorating I love that style is it so comfortable. Maybe some day when your north here you can stop by and we can offically meet. Let me know if your ever in town. I know that you probably don't come here for reasons that I know but if your ever in the area feel free to call, Enough about me today I am doing fine just a setback yesterday.. you see he hasn't been fair with the divocre and seperation that we had agreeed on and that is what is so very upsetting to me. I still have the lawyer and will go back until he realizes that he made some decsions that he has to abide by now. Enough of that.. I am moving forward and doing quite well. As always I really appreciate your thoughts and wisdom. I wish you well and I'll be posting soon. Have a great TURKEY day please enjoy yourself.. Sincerely ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Itsy - I just read your post on RCRs thread, and really admire you for having taken a step back and reconsidered what you said. It takes a REALLY big person to do that I am so full of admiration that at such a difficult time for you, you could do this.
Thank you BND..for posting on my thread. Yes there are bad days. There are great days too. I just keep moving on and up because that is what you HAVE to do. I just go on. ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
Just writing and talking out loud..................
It is hard to pack up. I get upset each time I start. The memories flood back into my head. We lived at this house for 21 years. Since my youngest son was a year old. I come across something that invokes a memory and I take the moment to remember that particular event and time. I feel that emotion and move on. Someday this too shall pass. But it is like a cathartic thing. Cleaning out all the stuff and dividing it up. What goes to auction the Goodwill place and what I keep and what he gets. It is a hard process but at least what I take with me to the condo will be mine and only mine. That what I have now the condo is mine only. That is very empowering to someone. I know that I won't finish my course of life there , but it is a great start.
The H will moving back home. I do not like the fact that he will be two miles from me. I wish that he could sell it right away and move away. I don't know how I will react the first time that I see him. I guess I'l know then. Somedays I say to myself that I didn't deserve this and yet neither did he. He didn't ask to go thru a MLC. I wouldn't wish that on anyone or the spouses. But from what I have read it is miserable there in their minds and how they must hit bottom before getting up again. I would like to be there for H at that time should he need me. But I will not interfere any more. I went and pushed some knowledge on to the H. I won't do that again. I feel tho at times he is out of the stage of MLC but he really isn't. He is still in there. He favors his family that includes his parents (the Problem of his life.) brothers and sister over his own sons. My daughter has a special relationship with her father. One that is close. I have never been able to express myself and what I felt like during this period too her. She will listened to her father. He has told her lies and she believes them. One day he will hurt her and I will be here for her. I think that she has her head in the sand and doesn't want to see things like they are. I guess that is one reason she moved all the way across country. I feel really really bad for them . Especially my youngest. He is only 22 and has grown up so much in the past 6 months. I am amazed at how he is grown up now. His brother and sister had more time then he has had at not growing up and becoming so responsible after college. They were able to kick back for awhile, He won't have that oppurtunity. But I will always be here for my children. They always come first.
I feel bad at this time of the year the most. The holidays. H liked Thanksgiving the most because there weren't any presents. I liked Christmas the most because I enjoyed the look on the kids faces so much when they opened the presents.. I cry alot on those days. They will get better. I do know that, they will. I am the one to make that happen . And it will get done.
I'm thinking that I want to go back to school to get my master's in Social Work. I already have a degree from college in social work but need a masters now to get a job..OR become a therapist OMG. I said it out loud... My present employer will pay for all school expenses if you maitain a certain grade point average. Not bad... I would have to figure it all out first.
It seems that I have placed alot on hold most recently because I am moving. But once I get settled I'm ready to roll. There is alot that I want to do. The list is becoming endless. For new people you can go on. If anyone can like me you sure the H*** can. But there are alot of people here that have been where you are that survive and go on to more productive lives. Read My Turn Now posts. She is one of inspiration. She herself has come quite the circle. She should be so proud of herself. I know that I admire her and what she is made of. They say women are the stronger sex......no offense to men but I honestly believe that. Snoddderly is another one. I have had the pleasure to speak to her and she is the most delightful and funny. real funny lady that I have meet in awhile. She gives awesome advise and should she post to you take it in and go over it again. Her posts are always very enlightening. Well to close this day and meet the next I should go to sleep...just journaling....ITSY
M54 H54 married 30 years Prostitues and Other women "100's" 10/7/2004 Prostitue/Junkie girlfriend 6/04-1/07? Left 1/5/05 returned 1/9/05 Asked h to leave 4/2005 Had to, prostitues OW 5/2005 not a prostitue Divorced 9/2006
