I am looking for constructive advise on what to do next.
I have been a member of this board for several years and while many of the threads have been interesting, nothing has really helped my situation.
We have been married for almost thirty years, have two grown kids and I make a very good income. My wife does not work. We travel extensively and generally enjoy each other's company and have a good room mate-like relationship.
About ten years ago my wife started going through menopause and lost all interest in sex. She has consistantly declined to take hormones (doctor had prescribed hormones but she is concerned about the side effects). She openly states that there is nothing I could possibly do to help her develop her interest level - in fact it only makes her angry if I try. Discussion is pretty much out of the question also as we have had a very unhappy time on this topic for ten years and not sure what else we could possibly talk about.
She clearly understands that I have a sex drive and that I am very frustrated by our absence of sex life - she says that on the rare occassions she "permits" duty sex (once or twice a year) she counts how long the whole nasty event takes and hopes it is over quickly. She has no interest in being touched and pushes away if there is any attempt on my part. She has no interest in any other form of intimate contact - she feels it is not up to her and questions why I need to involve her.
We have had many conversations around this situation and her position is that it is not her "fault" that she has lost her sex drive and that I should accept this and not come to her for any contact. If I must have a sex drive, I should keep it to myself. She has suggested that I go to the doctor to find a way to kill my sex drive - that would be the only fair and proper thing to do since she is not in a position to change. We have fought over this point, she has indicated that she knows that I am totally frustrated with the situation but she indicates that she can not change and I should just carry on.
I have tried the "keep myself otherwise occupied" routine but this only lasts so long. Amazingly, apart from the absence of our sex life, we have a good relationship and enjoy each other's company. Apart from separation, are there any suggestions for my situation?
Was your W's loss of sex drive coincidal with Menopause, or was she disinterested, only gave obligatory sex prior to that?
she counts how long the whole nasty event takes and hopes it is over quickly
Ok this is how she feels about sex.
How do you feel about sex? Do you have religious beliefs, about sex? Are you reticent, or shy, or embarassed about your sex drive, or desires? Do you think of it as 'nasty'?
She has suggested that I go to the doctor to find a way to kill my sex drive
How does this make you feel? How did you respond to this?
She openly states that there is nothing I could possibly do to help her develop her interest level - in fact it only makes her angry if I try
How do you respond to her becoming angry?
For that matter, what else do you guys fight/disagree/argue about?
Lastly.
How important is having a sex life too you? Another way to ask this is, what things are more important to you, then a mutually satisfying -and sexual- relationship?
Was your W's loss of sex drive coincidal with Menopause, or was she disinterested, only gave obligatory sex prior to that? Monk - She was interested prior to menopause - at times quite interested. We would have sex once or twice a weak and more frequently on holidays. She would occassionally initiated and usually had the big O.
she counts how long the whole nasty event takes and hopes it is over quickly
Ok this is how she feels about sex. Yes -
Monk - this is now how she feels about sex
How do you feel about sex?
Monk - I feel it is an important part of my make up and I greatly miss the closeness/intimacy aspect in addition to the physical apsect. I know it greatly effects my mood if I go for extremely long periods without sex also.
Do you have religious beliefs, about sex?
Monk - Absolutely no religious or other beliefs that would impact on sex life - same with wife
Are you reticent, or shy, or embarassed about your sex drive, or desires?
Monk - I am not reticent or shy but I feel that it is a real negative to approach my wife anymore on this as it has generated a great deal of negative energy in the past
Do you think of it as 'nasty'?
Monk - No - not in any way - I look forward to every encounter and daydream constantly about the sex life we used to have.
She has suggested that I go to the doctor to find a way to kill my sex drive
How does this make you feel?
Monk - I feel defeated when I hear this as it really is her exclamation mark on "no I am not interested - ever". I feel she is really saying that being roommates is what we should now be and that we no longer will have any need for any romantic connection - except that we can happily hold hands in our old age.
How did you respond to this?
Monk - I typically indicated that my sex needs are a normal part of a man's make up and that I am not asking for the unusual or outrageously frequent. I also indicate that intimacy was a way that I can express my feelings and draw us closer together. Finally, I indicate that some form of sex life is a healthy activity for both of us and it is one of the greatest pleasures in my life when we are both in tune sexually - it is also one of the greatest dividers if there is no connection. I have also told her that it greatly saddens me that there is no sexual connection and that it emmotionally and physically takes a toll on me now that we do not have a physical connection. She knows that this is a big issue to me based on these conversations and based on her comments back to me. It is also clear that she believes I should just suck it up and not bother her with my need for a sexual connection
She openly states that there is nothing I could possibly do to help her develop her interest level - in fact it only makes her angry if I try
How do you respond to her becoming angry?
Monk - I try to explain that I can't help having my feelings as they are mine and they are not unsual - in fact they are very normal and that she should try and put herself in my shoes. This seems to make her even more determined to put forward her point of view.
For that matter, what else do you guys fight/disagree/argue about?
Monk - We have very few other arguements - we have been together since we were teenagers and we agree on most everything - we also enjoy most of the same activites and do them together.
Lastly.
How important is having a sex life too you? Another way to ask this is, what things are more important to you, then a mutually satisfying -and sexual- relationship?
Monk - A mutually satisfying and sexual reslationship is very important to me - probably right at the top of my list - by this I mean I really desire a strong and stable relationship with my spouse, I really need a committed and two way sexual relationship to be part of a strong and stable relationship - the sexual relationship needs to be two way to generate these feelings - at least I need my partner to want to have some desire to be part of my sex life.
BF - thanks for your interest and the time you have taken to ask these questions.
"She has suggested that I go to the doctor to find a way to kill my sex drive - that would be the only fair and proper thing to do since she is not in a position to change."
Um...huh? Say what? Sorry, but.....WRONG ANSWER.
The CORRECT solution is for HER to go to the doctor to find a way to fix her own sex drive. She's the one with the medical issue here, not you.
Good luck getting her to acknowledge and accept responsibility for that, however. Unfortunately, people with sex problems rarely do what they should.
Alright, I'll tell you what my GYNOB said when I pleaded with him to give me something to knock down my drive.
"NO, It's who you are!" Well that was just before my cycle was totally done. I have since had an ovarectomyhysterectomy so all the 'glands' are gone. I think I'm a bit 'cooler' than I was, but with the right stimuli, I'm still very interested. Keep in mind, I had a really healthy unfed drive prior to menopause.
There are things the Dr can do for your wife short of hormonal replacement that some are not overjoyed about (me for one as breast cancer is in my family). Try this site for some holistic things. "rejuvix[sp?]" seemed to help my overall feelings during that time. Also try this site-- Woman to Woman
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
