MLC over??

[aid]

I would love it my H would just break down and show some real emotion... sadness even. it would show that he's letting himself feel pain.

Those all sound like really good signs. It will be slow, but he's willing to try.

[wed2alien]

Hello everyone,

It's been 3 weeks since I have posted, though I have tried to keep up with everyone's threads.

Just wanted to update on H since he moved home in September and we have been "reconciling" as it is called. His decision in May to really work on this marriage had been an interesting change of events, his "awakening" I think.

I don't know how to describe our R or my feelings about it all but I will try. All I know is that H is different this time, so much like the H I married, but changed in a more mature way, like he is accepting getting older, he is enjoying things he used to before MLC (like our kids and the mundane tasks that come with having a family).

I don't see any depression, sadness, or pity, even about his job which he had complained about. He is positive, has energy, smiles bigger and has gotten his sense of humor and fun back which was missing for many years before replay started. That dead, confused look in his eyes is gone.

Our R is a little harder to describe. He is nice, calls me many times during the day, likes us to do things together, and we seem more aware of how to communicate better. We seem more connected. He is not critical of me anymore, is patient, does not complain about the dirty house, or the kids. It just seems like things don't annoy him anymore. He worries less and lets things roll off his shoulders.

We ML but there are no romantic words, or R talk, no ILY, no kissing, but ML is sweeter and more caring than in the past. He hugs me in front of the kids, puts his arm around me and holds my hand in front of friends and in public, something he has not done in years. He sleeps with me and does not complain about my snoring!! He snuggles before he falls asleep and when he wakes.

These are all BIG changes for him and though I would love more (like romantic gestures, cards, ILY, I am trying to be patient as I know he is trying and he is a little uncomfortable feeling relaxed and letting these gestures happen naturally. Or maybe he doesn't feel them yet. We have to work at them.

I can't say I feel safe and secure or feel certain that he loves me like he did when we married, or that he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I verbalize this to him and he isn't great at reassuring me by saying "I want to grow old with you" but will say things like, "this is where I am happiest."

I guess that is a big step for him. It is a big step for me to verbalize to him how I am feeling and what he can do to meet my needs. If we go too long without talking about our R or any "touchy-feely" talk, I get a little concerned and we discuss it and I feel better about things.

I guess I am journaling this for myself too, so I can look back in 6 more months and maybe see progress no matter how slow it seems to me now.

And maybe it will help others who may see similar behavior in their WAS, as they begin their return to earth.

I guess our worries and fears that they will return to their old ways will be with us for awhile but hopefully lessen over time as trust and love is rebuilt. I can see that happening slowly.

Sorry if this is too long. I do want to keep in touch with this BB as it keeps me grounded and realistic in my expectations of my returning MLCer.

wed2alien

[yellowrose]

Wed

I was just thinking about you. I am so happy that things are going well for you. I am trying to be patient with my h and have detached pretty darn good, if I must say so myself.

Please keep us updated, it's so great to see successes.

If you get a chance to hop over to my thread and tell me what you think is going on with my h. Any advice would be welcome.

God bless you and your family...you are in my prayers.

Y

[ANewMe]

Wow!! You have no idea how wonderful it is to hear your success story. I can only hope that someday I will have the opportunity to experience this kind of thing with my H. I love my H and I know that he is in there somewhere but I am so afraid we will never get to this. Did your H have a OW? I know that I have read at least part of your thread but I can't remember all of the details.

I am so happy for you. It sounds as though if you stay on the same track you are on, you will have the marriage you deserve. Congratulations.

[PositivelyListening]

Hi Wed,

I am so grateful for your post. It is stories like yours that keep me going. I truly believe my H is in the midst of MLC. I have worried sometimes that my H will not come back to our M because he does not have the long history with me that some MLCers do with their LBS's at this stage. But my H's R with me is the longest R he has ever had, and I am quite sure that my H will discover that the grass is not greener over there if I give him some time.

How is it that your H finally realized that it was an addiction to OW, and that he needed help and went to a C? Did that come to him totally on his own, or did you help in some way? I have not had a chance to read all of your threads, but how would you characterize your R during the time you were S? And how did you successfully confront the OW #2 and with H Ok with that? Was it that your R had developed to such a point that the trust was there for you to be more assertive, or was it that your H couldn't risk losing you as it was an ultimatum?

Any advice you could give me on my sitch would be most helpful, Wed. I am so curious if you see any similarities in my current timeline & sitch that would give me hope from your perspective. My H I suspect will be in a 2 year A. I am hoping for less, but it has been since Aug 2005 that it started, and Jan 2006 when H told me and we S. My H knows I remain committed to and standing for our M, and although he has tested and protested, H has taken no action steps to end our M. He keeps me at a distance, has a wall, but is generally sweet to me, and when he is not and has that mean unkind selfish stance, I am realizing it is not about me. We are taking a trip together in January to see his family.

The most exciting thing to me about your posts, is that your H describes this dreamland fog that he has emerged from. I could accept anything (life with or without my H) (even though I would much prefer with) as long as I could see my H as himself again, that himself but the wiser, stronger, more loving, more grounded person as you describe. I would walk over hot coals for that day, no matter what the outcome of our M. So, I am hanging in. Thanks Wed, for any insights you have time to provide.

I also want to comment on the fact that your H is not sying ILY yet, but he is being publicly affectionate and tender towards you. I think your H is being very brave. I think the MLCer was so afraid of being engulfed, and the ILY is kind of like the final "I am back for good". it has got to be so scary for them. because, remember they were running before, they thought they were so sure. So now they know that they are not sure of anything, and they don't want to ever hurt you again. The truth is, it needs not to matter whether your H ever says ILY again. Becasue there are tons of people that say ILY and lie. Watch your H's actions, and revel in that. Notice what he does, and revel in that. And if he ever does say ILy (which I am sure he will one day) you will know he is telling the truth, because it was so scary and so hard for him to get to that point. God bless you, Wed. You are doing so great. Thank you for being an inspiration.

[wed2alien]

iluv2teach,

Yes, my H had OW. She was my so called "friend", mother of our daughter's best friend, lived on same street, same church, school, friends, 10 yrs younger, etc.

It was so public and humiliating. She was SOOOO not his type and he was the last man I thought would ever cheat, he hated men that did that to their wives. How ironic.

I discovered the affair 1-2 months after it started and made sure everyone knew. The shunning he received from friends, family was an eye opener. He thought everyone would rejoice that they found happiness! That is how out of touch he was.

Like you, I knew my "real" H was in there somewhere and that is what I was fighting for. I knew in his right mind, he would have never chosen that path. If he had acted like his normal self with OW, maybe I would have not fought the battle. I interfered with his affair as much as I could, and he would get mad, I would back off and he'd come around again.

Honestly, I think he enjoyed the attention of both of us "wanting" him, it really fed his ego and low self esteem. He needed to see that I loved and cared enough to fight for him since he felt I "neglected" him over the years.

The affair was hot and heavy for only 4-6 months and then he waivered on the fence for another 1.5 yrs, moved back home several times for a few months each time, swearing it was over, but when I discovered contact, I made him move out again and cut off contact as much as I could. He always came back around.

wed2

[ANewMe]

Wed,

My situation is much the same as yours except OW is same age as H and they went to school together and had a date or two in high school. I am 7 years older than they are. H's MLC started at least 2-3 years ago but he didn't move out until about 16 months ago. A started about 4-5 months ago. But the getting shunned and really never completely cutting off from us is about the same. My friends all tell me that I am doing great considering the circumstances. H brings OW to every one of S17's football and basketball games. At first it was to spite me and now I truly believe it is OW that insists on coming. Few people have much interaction with them.

I am standing by my marriage for as long as it takes but next month our D will probably be final.

[aid]

Hey Wed,
Wonder if you can stop by my thread and give some advice. I like hearing from you, as you are a success story. My H has come and gone a number of times swearing it was over with OW. Like you, when I would discover contact with OW, I would tell ihm he needs to go. I move on. He disappears for a few days. Then starts creeping back in. In the past, after a few days of going dark, I would let ihm back in. This tiem, we've been "separated" since TGiving. But after about a week, he started calling, initiatig plans to do thigns as a family, coming to church, etc... That's been goign on for a few weeks. So, I feel him getting closer and closer, yet we've had no conversation of him saying all the things he has said in the past. Anyway, I appreciate your insight!

[hopefloats7]

He described what he went through as "you think something different is better, then you realize what you had was all you ever wanted and needed."


This made me cry. It was beautifully said by your husband. May God bless your renewed marriage. I am very happy for you and glad you are here posting about it. It helps us have hope.

[ACJ]

Wed,
This gives me hope. My H is certainly not one for whom the MLC will be over and done with quickly. Some of the things you say about your H describe mine exactly. There have been no touch and goes and he has been gone for a year. Interestingly my D11 remarked a few weeks ago that she told H that she thought he was frightened of me!
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