Not sure if I am officially piecing yet....

[want2bmarried]

I have been in separated and Surviving but some think I should be here...I am not sure. I linked (I think) my thread at the bottom so you can catch up.

Basically my WAH flip flops. Somedays he wants to work this out, and others he doesn't. He is very insecure and jealous but will not make the official move to reconcile. Typically what happens is we spend some time together and then he disappears for a few days/week.

For instance we spent some time together last night. If I initiate, he runs so I wait for him. When we have spent some time together and he gets his ego boost he leaves and poof hes gone. I sent a text today asking how he was....no reply.

Anyways, any help is appreciated. Please read my sitch if you all get a chance and I am happy to get to know you all. I will start reading all of yours.

[Nextdejavu]

Hi W2be, and welcome to piecing. I am pretty new to the board. I am in a marriage that survived nearly exactly what you are going through, about 9 yrs. ago. I am here to see if can make more improvements on our communication.

I had very similiar situation, and things never changed until I finally stood up one day (like I read you have been doing) and finally said, enough is enough. I tell you, it tore my heart out. I finally just 'assumed' he was doing everthing heart wrenching thing I could think of..(and prob. was..) and of course there was a young single woman, no kids, who could was fancy free).
Once I set up that barrier.. then things started to change. I had tried to many times before, but my pain would always make me let him back in. After the last time, then I started controlling where I wanted my life to go. I could survive and did. We did reconcile some time after this.

[want2bmarried]

Wow. That is nice to hear. Do you have a thread I can read?

I just don't know what it is. If he truly feels he loves me, wants our family, marriage, can't stand the thought of me with someone else then why is he flip flopping? Do you think he just comes around when he wants sex? Hard to believe that he would do that with me if he really has opportunities elsewhere.

I am so confused.

[MariS]

Want2be,

Welcome to "Piecing." Like you, I wasn't sure if this is where I needed to be or not. Mainly, because WAH-MLCer has not moved back home or said that he is willing to work on the M.

My WAH-MLCer flip flops too. Since he doesn't actually say that he is working on us, I pay attention to his actions, which I firmly believe he is testing, instead of reconciling.

Everyone tells me this is normal & typical roller coaster ride with the speed bumps. The hardest part is not to create the speed bumps & to keep the "As If", GALing & 180 going.

Personally, I had areal doozy of a ride this weekend & so glad its Monday.

Sending you a big hug!

[want2bmarried]

I had a doozy too. He says all the right things but just won't commit and then disappears for a few days/week. He gets angry that I don't call or text him, but when I do he blows me off. How do you win?

[Nextdejavu]

Thank you. It was a long hard ride, I'll tell you. I think they dont' really know what they want? Or maybe they are worried that things won't work out with the Ow, so they keep the ole' wife hanging by a little thread. I'm not sure. I think every situation is different. Mine definitely was 'double dipping' I think maybe they want the familiar and comfortable, and then also the new and exciting? I do have a little thread here on piecing, about a situation we went through last week or so. I did get alot of advice on things I am doing wrong and how I might be able to improve. It is called Suggestions for Improvement.

My guy did all the things you mentioned pretty much, and despite that, I knew that inside there, there was once the most incredible person, who I have been forever madly in love with. I had to make the decision though, because that person was no longer the one present. It was the hardest thing to make that break. He could definitely tell when I was serious, and it didn't work until I was serious about it to myself.
Take care, I know the pain you are suffering

[Nextdejavu]

Want2 Be, start coming up missing (to him).. stay out a late night here and there. Of course have the kids taken care of by someone, but just say you are 'going out'.
I guarantee he will get the word. It doesn't even have to be anywhere risky, LOL, you can shop at Meier's all night and then sit and read or have coffee!
Just dont' say when you've been doing. You know in your conscience, that you have done nothing.

Dont' know if this suggestion will help. But he will surely hear about it from someone. If he asks about it, blow him off. I did this a few times, went out with married friends, completely innocent. Boy, the reaction was priceless.
Cheers

[MissH]

Hi W2BM - I think Nextdejavu may be right. I think you need to definetly put your foot down and not be a doormat for him anymore. That is just my honest opinion. Did you read that book I had mentioned to you "Love must be Tough?"

Anyway, it seems that a lot of us had a really tough weekend. I guess the best we can do is just hang in there some how. I hope I have the strength to do it. I just feel like with my sitch, I am ready to throw in the towel.

[want2bmarried]

He has heard from someone that I was dating. Im not but I live in a small town with lots of roumers. He was flipping out on Saturday, started texting me about coming to confront me and my new BF (right), says I don't love him, etc. So he comes down and we talk and I end up telling him how I feel, that I still want M, etc. I guess he must get his fill, feel secure again and then disappears. makes me so mad.

I am going to just disappear too. You are right. I need to make him wonder. When he does it gets good results. I just need to not back down so quick.

[MissH]

Exactly! The fact that he gets jealous and thinks you are dating someone else shows you that he still cares and doesn't want you to move on without him. But as long as he thinks he can come back whenever he wants, he is going to continue having his cake and eat it too. You need to shut that door and just leave it open a crack for him. I bet you he will start to panic.