Hello, I am new to the board, and was directed here by my good friend psluke.
I have a situation where I could use some suggestions.
Me 38 H 39
Married 19 yrs
S16 S9 S3
Nine yrs ago my H had an A that lasted for approx. 4 months. We worked things out, and have had another son since that time, and gotten a new home. Things are pretty solid, but there seems to be something else that I can't accurately define. So I would like to work on this and see if things can continue to improve. It is difficult to explain.
Pam, I will surely send over any drink of your choice! LOL
I am not exactly sure what the problem is here with our situation, so I'm not sure how to go about working on it. A little history.. during the time of the seperation, I was carrying our second son, and became very ill. Since that time I have developed a couple health issues that are permanent, and was never able to return to work.
So we do deal with living on one income and supporting three children, since that time.
Okay, but what exactly IS it about your current situation that doesn't feel right? Are you concerned about H's behaviors? Are you concerned about your own feelings? Are you simply thinking things could be even better than they are? Are you suspicious of H that things aren't what they seem???
I think my H and I view alot of things in the same manner, and we are very well matched.
I will explain a small episode that occurred recently, and hopefully that may shed some light.
I am trying to do a limited amount of work for a friend of mine, who has graciously offered work to me on a very part time basis, as my body allows. This work involves driving out of town. I was out of town one morning (approx. 30 miles away from home) and accidentally locked my keys in the car. I think that is the first time I have ever done that! Not a good feeling. This was downtown, and while it seems fairly safe, I was stuck there in the downtown square. I had also locked my purse in the car, did have my phone.
H was due to go to work in approx. 1.5 hrs. I phoned and stated that I had locked my keys in . At that same moment a sherriff drove by and I flagged him down.. he said they no longer unlock vehicles and the city police did not either. (can you believe that?) So I phoned H back and told him. He told me to phone someone for help. I did feel quite exhasperated at that moment! After all, I had phoned him for help. He asked me where the spare keys were, and I said I wasn't exactly sure, but prob. in one of the normal places (kitchen cabinet container, or cubby on the counter). I have to admit, I felt very angry at him at the onset of that phone call and told him I had to go. I tried to enlist help at a pawn shop there, to no avail. During this time, H did phoned several times and I did not answer the call. I finally flagged down an officer from a different town, who was there for a hearing. He helped me open the vehicle and I was on my way, about an hour later.
I do have diabetes and have an insulin pump. While I dont' dwell on this, or expect anyone else in my life to.. it is still a factor I have to keep in the back of my mind, no money and no food on my person.
I asked H why he did not come right away to assist me, and I was just not satisfied with the answers. He left for work before I arrived back home, and then we discussed it further later. I told him I had felt abandoned and he just did not seem to have been concerned.
I dont' know whether I over-reacted or if my expectations were acceptable. This is one thing that does seem to be a reoccurring theme.. me fending for myself.
Dear NDV, I am so glad Pam suggested you come to the bb! I hope you find the tools to get the marriage (M) you want.
Quote: I dont' know whether I over-reacted or if my expectations were acceptable. This is one thing that does seem to be a reoccurring theme.. me fending for myself.
When you close your eyes and think... what should your husband (H) have done? What should he be doing in your M that he's not doing?
First - let's acknowledge that the VERY BIG subtext to this whole event is the loss of that "secure" feeling that we suffer when a spouse cheats. Therefore relatively minor opportunities for them to demonstrate that they are "there" for us become blown out of proportion, because it gets mixed up with the feeling from the affair time.
Now:
Quote: accidentally locked my keys in the car. I think that is the first time I have ever done that! Not a good feeling.
I detect that you weree feeling a little more anxious than average - perhaps because of your concern over the diabetes, or perhaps worry over your "forgetfullness" if that has been worrying you elsewhere. Anyway, right off the bat you had an extra layer of anxiety beyond the normal inconvenience of locking one's keys in one's car. H probably was not aware of that layer - he's not a mindreader either, remember.
Quote: H was due to go to work in approx. 1.5 hrs. I phoned and stated that I had locked my keys in
Well, realistically, he may have been concerned that he would be late for work if he drove the keys out to you
Quote: He told me to phone someone for help
And like an analytical guy, may have been thinking that the best solution would be one that got your keys but still got him to work, ie, someone else to help you. (You really should get AAA, btw. Any tow truck driver can unlock your car.)
Quote: He asked me where the spare keys were, and I said I wasn't exactly sure, but prob. in one of the normal places (kitchen cabinet container, or cubby on the counter). I have to admit, I felt very angry at him at the onset of that phone call and told him I had to go.
So, he finally figures out that you really want him to come out there with the keys, and starts to find out where they are, but you pull a passive-aggressive on him and hang up.
Quote: During this time, H did phoned several times and I did not answer the call.
More passive-aggressive, and making him worry unnecessarily. AND probably pissing him off by your childishness.
Quote: I asked H why he did not come right away to assist me, and I was just not satisfied with the answers.
The answer is, as the main breadwinner for the family, he was concerned about getting to his job on time, and thought you, as a mature grown-up woman, could probably handle this crisis as you would if you were single. Still, he DID start to look for the keys but you cut him off.
Quote: I told him I had felt abandoned and he just did not seem to have been concerned.
He may feel, like many previously unfaithful spouses, that they are screw-ups and that you'll never let them forget it, so this just feels like another criticism. Or he may just be a guy who doesn't do reassurance well (my H doesn't, never has, I can't imagine why but have finally learned to accept he's just deficient in that department).
Quote: I dont' know whether I over-reacted or if my expectations were acceptable. This is one thing that does seem to be a reoccurring theme.. me fending for myself.
I vote for overreaction. Yes, it would have been lovely for him to be the white knight who immediately said "yes, honey, I'll be right there". But he was probably looking at it more analytically, "how can we get her in the car in the quiclkest possible time?". More direct communication might have helped - "H, I'm scared and uncomfortable here and I just really need you to bring me my keys. I believe you'll find them in X".
Again - the big subtext here is that you want him to PROVE HIS LOVE for you by rushing to your rescue, to help heal the wounds of having felt abandoned by him before. He hasn't read the script, though, so he doesn't know that's what you were asking.
I know you probably won't like my interpretation here at first, but the great strength of this board is our honesty with each other and ourselves.
How can you ask your H for the things that will make you feel "cared for" in a more direct manner? And what things is your H already doing for you (like being a good provider) that you maybe don't acknowledge because it's not "your" love language?
One thing I might disagree with: "Again - the big subtext here is that you want him to PROVE HIS LOVE for you by rushing to your rescue, to help heal the wounds of having felt abandoned by him before. "
Sure, I buy that some part of this has to do with his A. But, this sounds much deeper and older to me. To me, that sounds as if that needy part of you is a child who doesn't feel cared for or protected. Your husband is never going to be the parent that part of you wants. Instead, you need to heal that part of yourself.
Why do I think this? The "temper tantrum" when H didn't rescue you and protect you from the big scary city. Also, the appeal to us to believe that he really should have taken care of you because you are diabetic. Certainly insulin-dependent diabetes is a significant health concern. But, it is also one that competent adults are able to manage independently. There is always sugar on the counter of a fast food restaurant and people in general will help you out. Moreover, you had a phone that would be much more useful in case of emergency than a husband in a car miles away. The appeal to the diabetes sounds like a "mommy, I have a tummyache" cry for attention to me. This isn't a grown-up wife part of you that is crying out for care and protection. This isn't a hurt adult wife. The behavior is very childlike.
Why do you think you have what seems to me to be a rather desperate unmet need to be nurtured?
fyi, I've used insulin and have a high need for nurturing myself, lol, so don't feel slammed or alone here... I have recognized this need, though, and learned to express it and ask for it to be addressed.
. At that same moment a sherriff drove by and I flagged him down.. he said they no longer unlock vehicles and the city police did not either. (can you believe that?)