I am going to post a brief history for people that they don't have to go through all the old threads. And to state where I think I am in the process, but perhaps I'm wrong.
I thought W had started replay about one year ago. She spend money since more than 1.5 years as if there is no tomorrow. About 1.5 years ago she also contacted old highschool sweetheart.
Since Oct 2005 she started working out like crazy and basically stopped eating.
Also Nov 2005 she went to a concert w/SS15 b/c nobody else she knew wanted to go. At that point she changed her taste in music competely. Then she was online all the time. She also said 'we should separate'. When I asked her the next day she just said she didn't mean it this way. The same exact thing happened again middle of Dec.
Met Om online and than in person Jan 06. Dropped bomb in Feb 06 and I moved out. She dated in March 06 for a couple of weeks (had signed up for match.com). Went out w/newer, younger girlfriends. Not that often though.
She met Om again in Mar, April, and then May every time for a long weekend. So she saw him a total of 5 weekends.
In June she 'wanted to work on the M' but after we moved back together in July, she learned that Om almost died. He was very sick, one of the reasons she realized that they wouldn't have a future (even she could see that!).
That's when she started going out all the time, not calling even if she came home after midnight. Going dancing, to concerts.....While at the same time she talked to Om on the phone at least 2 or 3 times a day. Was online again w/Om and started flirting w/ what I believe is now 2nd Om.
In Oct she asked me again to move out.
For half a year she had this dream to open a B&B w/Om. But she realized that after all this money spend that probably is not going to work out. I haven't heard anything about this dream in a couple of months.
I just took my D5 to bed. She was crying for about 30 min before she fell asleep b/c she wanted mommy. And after about 15 min she said 'I don't like you and mommy living in separate houses'.
What is there to say?????? I'm sitting here crying since about an hour.
And mommy had her 'friend' sleep over on the weekend according to my D5. I called W and calmly asked her not to do this, she can do this when I have my D5. She denied of course. But I had already asked my SS16 and he confirmed!
She did this before w/first Om, had him sleep over in OUR house. After I confronted her she apologized that time. Now she does it again.
My SS16 is already messed up, drugs, not going to school....
Now I fear about my D5 and there is nothing I can do.
if you have time, go back and read johnjames thread, start to finish, will take awhile. but I think you could gain some really good insight.
you need to protect yourself, detach.
she is a grown woman making foolish and hurtfull decisions. you can't stop her, but you can stop supporting her lifestyle, I don't know if you're paying her way, but no way would I let family dollars go to support her revolving door.
I know it hurts like hell. your post brings it all back.
You need to put your kids first, no if's and's or butt's.
Tell your wife, NO SLEEP OVERS. you have no idea who the hell that man is, and you need to know that your daughter is safe,
if she does not like it to bad! You need to set boundaries, DO NOT let her walk all over you with this bull crap.
Your kids are number 1 even if that means getting poor little wife upset! tell her she can hurt you all she wants if that is going to make her feel better, but you will protect your kids not matter what.
They come first you are the only stable parent they have right now
get the tears out, and then get the game face on.
ok
“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”
No, she never said why. She is just out there. Perhaps I just M the wrong women. All these things she said about her first and second H (I'm already the 3rd). Now she probably says the same things about me. She doesn't seem to be able to have a meaningful R.
And she is lying about the 2nd A. After SS16 confirmed that Om slept over she still said this was somebody from work who just spend a lot of time there on the weekend b/c they are working on a project.
Ford,
I'm not paying her anymore than she is legally entitled to. I'm now actually living in our house. Half belongs to her but as long as she is not filing I don't have to sell and give her share of the equity. Which is good for me. And as long as she has enough money to live in this area I will have my D5 50% of the time. I understand what you are saying, but I'm not enabling her. I'm looking out for me and my D5 by letting her have what belongs to her anyway. She will run out of cash soon enough, perhaps another 6 months or so. And I'm keeping a jounal about what is happening. Perhaps when she files for D I can make a case for full custody.
Hi EM, Thanks for sharing. It's weird she never said. Well, you know what - when her R breaks up, she'll be sorry and may make her re-think her behavior and situation. She would be devastated and with your DB efforts may realize that she has it good with you. Would you consider reading "The Solo Partner" by Phil De Luca for some ideas on resolving conflict, anger, blaming, and distancer-pursuer situations to see if any apply to you. Hang in there. ~PH
I hear you. But there is nothing I can do. I can yell, sream, standing on my head, or even tell her no sleep overs. But I have no legal ground. If she wants Om there he will be there. That is unfortunately one of the things I have absolutely no control over. Although I wish I did.
Quote: I had a good session w/C last Friday. Went through some of the things I had done in our M to ruin it. I know, it is said a lot here on this BB that MLC is NOT caused by what LBS do.
There is still so much I have to learn. And now I have to do it the hard way. C agreed that a lot of my behavior would force most W into a WAW. So perhaps mine is just a WAW and is looking for her options left, no MLC. But then she is showing all these MLC signs. Very confusing for me right now.
I think that it can often be a combination. In my case, my H has for some years had some serious personal issues that I either ignored or didn't notice. I think that these issues, coupled with intense stress from life events, eventually led to MLC. However, the MLC MAY not have led to the breakup of our M had we not had problems in that area.
Yes, you did things wrong. Maybe you even messed up really badly; I don't know enough to say. Even so, your W could still be in MLC. I guess what this means is that, like me, you have two issues to deal with: (1) making yourself someone your S will want to come back to (2) when s/he comes out of MLC.
For now, I really think it would be better to just back off and go as dark as you can with a child. As long as D5 is not in danger from this om, that is something you are going to have to let go of, as unfair as it is.
As for EA, I will go against the prevailing winds and say that I disagree. Spending time with FF is one thing; getting emotionally involved is another. How many of us had our Ss say that they were "just friends," then it turned into EA, and then, before they knew it, it was PA. If you still want your M to work (up to you, of course), I think it's wise to stay away from anything that could jeopardize that, as tempting as it is.
Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Hello EM - Judging from your following comments, it looks like you checked out the legality of the situation ( ". . there is nothing I can do. I can yell, scream, standing on my head, or even tell her no sleep overs. But I have no legal ground. If she wants Om there he will be there. That is unfortunately one of the things I have absolutely no control over. Although I wish I did.") I agree with you that it s*cks and I wish there was something you could do to put an end to your child being exposed to the jerk your W is involved with. I don't want to get on my soap box but I find the "liberality" of the custody laws in some states to be truly bizarre at best. While the W is acting out you should be allowed by law to maintain custody, but as Dickens once remarked in one of his novels, "the law is an ass." You mentioned that this is is the third time your W has been married, so it appears that she is still unable for whatever reasons to cement a relationship and make a lasting commitment. Whatever your faults were in the M (we all have had them) it in no way justifies what you have been put through. Although your W may still be a fine person in many ways, she is a deeply flawed human being and you should not take the blame for what has happened. On the contrary, you have bent over backwards in a valiant effort to save the R and the M. You deserve better and I hope things start to turn around in your favor.
