Sitch: WAW, possibly MLC, possibly w/2nd Om. We separated, she stayed in our house w/the kids. After 4 months DBing she wanted to try again. We moved together into a rented house and put our house up for sale. 3 weeks ago she told me to leave again. I moved back into our house b/c it didn't sell.
Now the problem. She has serious money problems. Spend like some people here warned about MLCers. B/c of the separation, having to pay for two places (old house mortgage and rent new house), and the house not selling I am out of money too.
Now I can pay for our house and give her CS and alimony. I would do that even w/o D. But that is not enough for her to pay the rent at the rental she is in w/the kids and pay her bills. Although she works full time. She would be in serious trouble. And she started to realize it.
Now she wants to take a home equity line of credit on our house to pay for her bills. But since we are separated and she is talking about D, that would be financially really bad for me if we do end up D. I would basically be responsible for half of this new credit. But never see any of this money.
But if I don't get the line of credit she will probably be so mad at me (money was always a problem in our M) that she certainly will file. And she probably would never forget that so there would be no way of a possible reconciliation.
Or could I be wrong about that?
Please, any ideas. What do you think? Do I have to let her live w/her decisions and fall on her face. And take the huge risk of never be able to reconcile? Or give her the money and risk loosing it and her and the kids, since she might be w/Om and wants a D anyway.
Hey EM, sorry things are not going good for now, I was wondering how you were doing.
I wouldnt' sign up for any line of credit, she'll have to cut back on expenses and see her own way out. I know you are scared this will distance you, but the way she's been acting all along doesn't show she'll act any better with you.
You won't loose the kids, I know it wont be same, but getting into debt so she can pay some bills and then burst the rest on heaven knows what doesnt' seem to be a good a good idea to me.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Evolving--I am bleeding right there with you, my friend. I have to go actually do some work otherwise I would type out a really long post. Read about my sitch and I will get back to you later today. I am really sorry we are both having similar issues w/ our W and the money. It is very tough to balance taking care of them and making them responsible for their choices, WHILE still trying to keep the M together.
EvolvingMe I don't think that helping her by getting a home equity loan would be in your best interest.
My h had to fall on his face and be held accountable for his action with the way out of control spending he did for over a year. He has finally started to catch up on his bills. It took him almost loosing his car and being evicted to snap him back into reality.
IMHO, I would not be supporting 2 households. Remember this is her choice. If she decides to file for D, how would she be financially then? You probably would be giving her less money.
I wished I could give better advice but this is how I had to handle it before my finances before I went broke.
Thanks for your response. There seems to be a common theme, I need to cut of the financial support. After all, it was HER choice.
Now has anybody suggestions how I can communicate this to W? She will freak out, and I don't want a fight. I just have a feeling it will get ugly and I really don't want to get angry anymore.
EM...sorry you're in this sitch. I think I understand why you feel you need to support the other household, b.c of her outrageous spending.
I don't think the home equity is good either...esp. if you are entitled to half the debt and she manages money like every other good MLCer--like a goldfish.
I think a gentler approach is to ask her why she is in so much debt. That you are happy to pay her as you would be asked to do in the case of a legal separation or D....the CS and alimony...there are plenty of web sites you can look that up, and there are lots of guys on these boards taht are good at this. Tell her you are happy to pay that, to make sure she and the kids are well. And taht is it. That you don't feel it's in anyone's best interest to do anything with equity. In fact, don't even mention the home equity, make her that offer and tell her that is what you are willing to do.
this is such a tough bind. My H started spending $ like crazy, and I finally got my own account. When I asked him, he said "I earn most of hte $ in the account, I can spend however I wish..."
Hello EM - I agree with the others here who have posted. First and foremost you need to protect yourself and your daughter financially. I know that you want nothing more than to piece your M back together and that being responsible financially is going to be interpreted by the W in the wrong light. But that is because she has a warped perspective on account of the frame of mind she is in, which alas, appears to be part of the MLC syndrome. Don't jeopardize your future.
wow, you unearthed my thread, :lol I'm flying low for now, I'm mighty sure my H has been on this board, he mentioned if i'd seen his black diary, so for a while I changed my name.
We are doing well thank heaven, with a bump here and there, still not #1 priority yet due to his new training/job, but he is more loving towards me.
I hope you able to talk to your W when D isnt' around, I guess one way or the other she might hit the roof, but I think you made the right desicion not to agree to aline of credit, hang in there pal.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
