I know this is a sticky subject but I do hope I get a response from someone. I'm having trouble with that on here.
For those not familiar with me, I'm the one that did the cheating. I had an affair within a 45 day period of time that I truly regret. The affair was with a recently divorced father of two. He comes from an abusive relationship (his wife beat him) and his children have been sexually abused by another man and are currently in foster care. I feel sorry for this man, I really do. He no longer has my cell phone number and can not call me directly. However, I have a voice mail number he has access to and he calls me on that number daily. I have already tried to cut off all ties with this man but it's been hard. I feel like he has NOBODY in his life to turn to and I'll just be another person letting him down. However, I have promised my H that I will never see this man again or talk to him. He keeps leaving me voice mail messages asking me to call him. He also owes me quite a bit of money and I'm wanting to get that money back and wonder if I should be nice to him until I get it back or just forget about it and write it off as a bad mistake to loan money to a lover.
Any suggestions would be great. What would you do? Should I get the voice mail number disconnected? I feel so bad when he leaves me sad messages regarding his family life and his dates with other women that go bad. I feel like I've not only hurt my H but also hurt this other man as well, although I want very badly to put my H and my children first and hopefully never talk to this man again. So I guess it's obvious what I should do but I want some reinforcement from others.
I don't want to hurt his feelings even though I never want to talk to him ever again. Is this stupid? Plus he works at a store that I frequent and I know his hours of work and can try to avoid him but that may not always happen in the future. I don't want any hard feelings but I guess I'm not going to be able to avoid it am I?
FWIW, I use this voice mail number for work purposes from time to time. I've thought about just letting him leave enough messages to fill up the voice mail and eventually he might get the point and just forget about me. But I don't know what to do. I guess I could just change the telephone number.
Quote: He comes from an abusive relationship (his wife beat him) and his children have been sexually abused by another man and are currently in foster care. I feel sorry for this man, I really do.
I feel like he has NOBODY in his life to turn to and I'll just be another person letting him down.
He also owes me quite a bit of money and I'm wanting to get that money back and wonder if I should be nice to him until I get it back or just forget about it and write it off as a bad mistake to loan money to a lover.
Ok, to me it sounds like there are a couple of issues. One is with the way you feel regarding this lover. It sounds like part of the fantasy you played out with him was fulfilling the role of rescuer or emotional supporter. It really seems like you played the part of a crutch, preventing him from hitting rock bottom and rebuilding himself as a much stronger person. It seems to me that if you take the position that by turning your back on him you'll actually be doing him a favor, giving him the sense that he has only himself to rely on, you will feel better about this. And the truth is, he will in the long run too. Besides, do you think that your pity does anything for him? Do you think that aside from allowing him the momentary escape from the pain in his life it does him any good? He would be better off rebuilding his life without seeing his pain as a good thing and perpetuating it. Right now it's bait for you - so he maintains it.
The financial part is tricky, because you should get your money back. I would tell him firmly that you are not going to speak to him again, and to stop pursuing you or you'll file a restaining order, but that you expect to be repaid the loan. Work out either a payment plan or a way to be repaid in full and have him be accountable to a third party. Never see or speak to him again. If he doesn't pay, have the third party follow up.
Be strong. It sounds like you're on the right track and committed to doing the right thing. Hope my opinion is of some use to you.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Do you want to remain married to your husband? Stop communication completely. Disconnect or change the voice mail number. About the money...I would write it off as a very bad investment. It does not sound like this person is going to have the money any time soon...you are better off for the sake of saving your marriage just to forget about it and move on with your life.
You are not responsible for this persons well being. You have your marriage and your own well being to think about...that should be your priority.
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
I agree with both of the above posters. How badly do you want to save your marriage?
More importantly, though, is what void in your life is this continued contact with your lover filling? You DO get something out of it or you would not continue. How can you identify that need and fill it in a more appropriate setting? Like with your H, children, church, volunteering, etc.???
I wish you well.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Ditto to all of the above. Are you a glutton for punishment? You do not have to listen to the messages, but you do. What is up? Really?
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
if my H were to tell me he still needed to be around xop to support her morally and that he feels he can't let her down I'd be furious.
It's sad all those things happened to him, would situations be different, ei you were just a friend never had an A w/him then yes, it'd be great to help him out. But it isn't, he's just going to find someone else to lean to that ISN"T married or had an R with.
Keeping ties w/him will not help you nor your H, give your H priority and say good by to this man, who if he had any spine would step up and pay you what he owes you.
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
Nothing good can come out of you keeping contact with the OM beside a D. Cut off all comunication if you want to save your marriage. Try working with you H on the voids that were left in your M that you are seeking out in others. Stand strong if you want you M saved.
Take care.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
