My husband and I have been together for 8 years. I began a new job about a year ago and our marriage became a lesser priority for both of us - we were busy settling into a new city, a new house, and new routines. I sometimes feel like I was more at fault because it was my career, my move. But I don't know if that's the point at this stage of the game.
My husband asked me for a divorce two weeks ago. He had met someone new - someone he had only known a short time (less than a month) - and he believed himself in love. He wanted to move in with her and her two children and "finally be happy." I was absolutely devastated. I knew things had not been great between us, but I truly didn't realize how far gone he was. Of course, I asked him to stay and we could work things out, but he just said no.
He left last Monday to spend the night at her place (she lives 1-1/2 hours away), but returned the next evening and then spent two days with me as we began to close accounts and untangle our lives. We talked the whole time. It felt like the first open and honest conversation we had had in months, if not years. We understood each other better, but he made it clear that our discussion wouldn't change the outcome. He left Thursday morning to be with her, with the promise that he would return to get his things. Again, I was devastated.
I worked by myself on packing his things, getting my finances in order for the separation, and tried not to contact him because I knew from reading the stories on this site that giving him space was what I really needed to do. After 2 days of no contact, he called Saturday morning and told me he wanted to reconcile. However, he wanted to spend the week with his girlfriend first...even introducing her to some of his friends. I resisted, mortified at the idea that he would introduce her around and then come back to me. I really felt like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. We ended the day Saturday no closer to reconciliation and probably even further apart emotionally.
I told myself I was stupid for letting him get to me and again did not contact him. We talked on Tuesday regarding some separation issues - information needed for the separation agreement, when he was coming to get his things, what would happen with the mortgage. He was angry that I was moving forward. He couldn't believe I would "want" to end our marriage. Even though I told myself not to, I felt a little bit of hope. I wanted him to leave so that I could get on and grieve, but my heart wasn't letting me let go of him. (Not surprising, since this was all happening in such a short period of time. I didn't know which way was up at that point.)
Last night he told me he wants to return to stay. He's packing his things and will be home tomorrow. He says he wants to give our marriage every shot that it has, that he realizes that in terms of working on our marriage, we've been talking the talk but not walking the walk for months. I have no idea what his return will bring...all that we've discussed is that we both need individual counseling (I've actually already started) and that we need to find a good marriage counselor that we can see together. I don't even know if this marriage can be saved...but I'm willing to try.
I've been directed to this site through another message board. It seemed to be a good place to start. I was looking at getting a copy of DB, but I wondered if it was directed more toward people trying to get their spouses to return home? I need concrete advice on how to resolve our marriage issues now that he's back and willing to work. Book recommendations, advice on how to find a good marriage counselor (one that can help us move FORWARD not focus solely on the past), or just general comments are welcome.
Is this marriage salvageable? I want that crystal ball. As I said in the other thread, I'm a little nervous at how quickly he came home - wondering if since he did not take the time to learn that the grass is not greener on the other side, he will run back to OW at the first sign of trouble. It is hard to trust him but I am trying.
ABSOLUTELY get Divorce Busting AND Divorce Remedy and get reading now. The things in there are not just for saving your marriage but for keeping it safe. Good luck and keep posting here.
Because the infidelity issue will crop up in my mind later, or for other reasons as well? I was a little nervous at how quickly he changed his mind and decided to come home. Relieved that he was coming home, yes, but nervous that he hadn't had a chance to see that the grass is not greener on the other side. I find myself wondering if he'll just run back to OW at the first sign of trouble, though he assures me he's committed to this marriage.
It will be tough because of the sudden turn around, the fact that he's basically coming home like the returning hero, and eventually fears of both infidelity and him leaving again at the drop of a hat will surface.
I think it's fair not to trust that he's in it for the long haul. I would share your concern given how little thought he could have given it.
That's why I think it's important that you start reading about getting through infidelity and keep an open dialogue with your H. He may be resistant to disclosing much about his relationship, but you'll need some kind of closure. There are resources available to help the two of you work through this. He's going to need to work as hard, or harder, than you. I hope he's serious about working things out.
Hoping the best for you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I need to pick up both of those books tomorrow. And stop talking with H about OW! I really shouldn't know that they got matching tattoos today so they'd always remember each other or that they discussed where they were going to hold their wedding next summer (discussed before he decided to come home apparently, though that doesn't make it much better)....just f's with my head.
can I say it? what an a$$, it still baffles me how the WAS can be so stupid and inconsiderate, grrrrrrrr!!!
OK, I'm sorry, you didnt come here to have your H trashed.
YES, there is hope!!! even if he was away for a bit and you (great db'ing!!) didn't run after him he realized "hey, maybe this is not what I want!" The adrenaline rush was short lived and he figured out who is really worth, his W, you.
Quote: we need to find a good marriage counselor that we can see together. I don't even know if this marriage can be saved...but I'm willing to try.
DO IT ASAP, individual C is good, MC together is even better, don't delay, make an appt asap, the councelors most likely to be pro-marriage are christian (if you are one), pastoral Cs are great, mine is one.
You already have two good book suggestions, which have good sections about dealing w/a broken marriage. But for healing a great book I'm reading is "Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage: Gary Rosberg" it talks about how people 's M deteriorate, how to close the anger loop, pinpoints sources of conflict, I highly recommend it.
I know you both will do great!
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I'm leaving work at 3 today for my individual counseling appointment and then I'm immediately heading to the bookstore for the books. I can't wait to start reading them.
I just am feeling so apprehensive about the whole thing. I love H with all my heart, but I have panic attacks when I think about what the coming months will bring. Is he coming back to go through the motions so that he can say he tried, but still leave anyway? How long will he keep OW in the background, waiting for him to leave me? Can people really fall out of love with one person and back in love with someone else just by trying? (While I can see that H is addicted to those first fleeting feeling of new love, he truly believes himself in love with her. He wants to try to "learn" to fall in love with me again - he doesn't even entertain the idea that he's still in love with me but the newness has worn off. Is this situation impossible??) His best friend is now friends with OW and is telling her that she just needs to hold on until H can divorce me and then they can be together. How damaging is he going to be in the coming months? Not just in terms of H talking to him re: our relationship and getting all negative feedback, but in terms of carrying messages back and forth between H and OW?
I feel like a basketcase. Maybe I should take off early today. I think I really need to read DB and DR ASAP!
*He has told me time and time again that I'm his best friend. That is, he said, the thing that is keeping him from making a break at this point. *He acknowledges that he can't imagine life without me. He doesn't want to either. *He articulates all the things he loves to do with me. Traveling, going to concerts, just hanging out. *He acknowledges that I'm the only person who knows everything about him. He has told me repeatedly in the last week that he has told me things he'll never tell another soul. *Since he told me he's coming home, he talks about our future a lot. That he wants to have children with me and how he wants us to spend our retirement. *He's acknowledged that I'm eventually going to be angry and that he'll want to run away at some point, but has also told me that he's committed to seeing MC and individual counseling through, no matter what the outcome may be. *He's been proactive in helping find a MC. *Returning was his idea. He has been resistant to OW's requests that he stay. *He has told his family that he wants to work things out with me.
yes, for a few months we all feel that way, "what if he is just buying time and then he'll leave?", "what if he still has feelings for op?" It's normal, It took me a while to conquer that fear.
Quote: Can people really fall out of love with one person and back in love with someone else just by trying?
Hollywood has ruin our concept of love. Yes, at the beginning there are sparks and fireworks. After years of marrige the love MATURES, feelings come and go, love is a DECISION, to consecrate yourself to this one person, to give your all. Yes, for a while, the newness of the new R does make the WAS act they way you are when you first fall in love, nothing is ever wrong w/the person, the novelty of it is like a drug (I'll post part of a great article about that at the end of this post)
Has your H vowed not to contact her? That so-called friend could do what she wants, if your H is fully commited, that's all that matters, don't torture yourself with other thoughts, stop making up scenarios in your head (I was an expert in piecing my H's A) it will lead you nowhere.
Dive head first into healing and forgiving and fill your brain w/positive reads, it will be ok, I know the hurt is still too fresh, but you guys have lots of future and he is back w/you, make him feel he is welcomed and that you are happy he is back.
Quote: About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further
An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.
With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn't work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.
What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Quote: After years of marrige the love MATURES, feelings come and go, love is a DECISION, to consecrate yourself to this one person, to give your all.
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. To H, though, love is a feeling - you either feel it or you don't. And while he wants to come back and try, he's worried that he'll never get that feeling back for me. So...I hope that throughour MC and his individual counseling, he'll come to understand that love isn't all moonlight and roses. Life - even sharing it with someone - is sometimes mundane. But I also need to recognize that he wants romance and a spicy love life...things that I've let slide in the last few years. Hopefully we can meet in the middle.
Quote: Has your H vowed not to contact her?
Yes. He says this is the difficult part for him. I wasn't going to insist on it, as I'd like to see their relationship naturally die away (rather than make me the evil b-tch who forced them to end it), but he says he can't talk to her and work on our marriage at the same time. I'm not deluding myself - I know they'll talk at some point. I just worry about how often and whether it will cause him to leave again. But you're right - I can't worry about that. Just listen to him when he says he's committed to me and work on myself.
Quote: I just am feeling so apprehensive about the whole thing.
Been there...AM there! It ain't fun, I know.
Quote: I love H with all my heart, but I have panic attacks when I think about what the coming months will bring.
It gets better. Trust me. Not perfect, but better.
Quote: Is he coming back to go through the motions so that he can say he tried, but still leave anyway?
That's always a possibility. But even if he THINKS that's why he's coming back, neither he nor you can predict how things will change. My W wasn't real gung-ho when she came back, but she thought I'd always be who I had been, which wasn't very good on my part. However, when she experienced my changes and saw they were the real deal (over time), she had a different attitude about it, one she didn't expect she'd have. Once they start experiencing that, it helps them realize the future is not the past written in stone!
See, they believe they know you, know how they'll always feel about you, etc. There's no way to know that. So even if he comes back telling himself that, many things can change based on how you act. I've seen this happen firsthand. No guarantees, but having your S in your home and committed to doing their best is a great position to be in, with many good opportunities for success. Again, that doesn't guarantee anything, but gives you a great place to work from/in. Y'all have a lot ahead of you.
Quote: How long will he keep OW in the background, waiting for him to leave me?
Well, if he's 100% committed, he'll send her an email you approve of telling her he's committing to his marriage, telling her it's over, and asking her not to contact him anymore. However, even if he's not 100% committed now, that doesn't mean he won't get there at some point. Don't worry about OW right now. Your H needs to experience how good it can be with you, and that won't happen if you're freaking out over her. Trust me, again, I've been there.
Quote: Can people really fall out of love with one person and back in love with someone else just by trying? (While I can see that H is addicted to those first fleeting feeling of new love, he truly believes himself in love with her. He wants to try to "learn" to fall in love with me again - he doesn't even entertain the idea that he's still in love with me but the newness has worn off. Is this situation impossible??)
"In love" is a fairly empty phrase intended to cover whatever an individual's feelings are at any given moment in time. However, cheaters place a higher value on their own personal feelings than they do on their character and their commitments. However, the fact that your H has communicated a willingness to live up to his commitments indicates his character is important, and he recognizes the deficiencies. This could be an important process for him to not only find some feelings for you again, but also to grow to the point where he recognizes that there needs to be a balance, that commitment and character are as much a part of love as feelings are. People who are driven by feelings alone are never truly happy. However, they are important, but the mistake is thinking they only arise under one set of circumstances, only have one chance to flame up and last.
You might check out what Harley says about the "in love" feelings stuff on marriagebuilders.com as well. A good behavioral approach.
Quote: How damaging is he going to be in the coming months?
He's not really a factor. OW is not really a factor. It's your H's choice, and if he's weak enough to be swayed by them, then, I'm sorry, but you're probably better off without him if he chooses to leave. We are always faced with temptation in life...he's faced it and you already know he's given in. Despite that, despite having someplace to go now, he's choosing you. Work with that.
I had to come to the same conclusions about my W in our sitch. I give her my best but if she still chooses the other way then at least I can say I truly did my best, gave her my best, and it helped me get in some really good practice for someone new if my W leaves me for good.
You've got your work cut out for you. This stuff ain't easy, but it CAN work. It doesn't end up happening like you think it should, it would, or as fast as you'd like.
Good luck, and use this board for support!
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
