Unsure If I Belong Here

[kaydeekay]

Quick background:

M:42
H:36
Married 12 years and 9 months
Together: 15 years
D13, D17 (mine), S17 (his), S21(mine)
S: 10/22/2004
Dropped bomb of OW: 2/15/05
Filed D: 7/18/2005

Okay, to start off with, I've been here and there on the boards, no really sure if I belong on this board or not. I have been DBing since March 2005. If anything good comes out of this mess is that DB has taught me patience, finding myself, GAL, and a lot more.

H was back and forth between me and OW in the beginning. They lived together off and on for about six months until their relationship blew up on 9/11/05. And let me tell you that the big advantage of LBS living with OP is the "dream" life is not it's all cracked up to be.

After their blow up he did go into the depressed mode but it didn't last long. We attempted reconciling but H had issues with trusting me. I admitted I wasn't the best wife before his A, but I've changed my ways for the better through DB. However, H would never stay long enough to see those changes.

Around 1/2006 I believe this is when H met OW2. I have the gut feeling this A was not as intense as was the first. I think OW2 was just available for H who needed someone.

During 3/2006 through 5/2006 H lived with me. Things were not all good...kinda tense. H left to live with sister. During the summer he met OW3, a 21 year old. That last about two months from what H has told me. Yeah, H has told me some off the wall sh*t that he has done while we were separated.

From 5/2006 to present time, H would call me two to three times a day. Some days we would have good convos and others days not so good. Some days he wanted to work on things, and other days he said it just wouldn't work.

About a month ago I called H phone (which I rarely made contact with him). A woman answered. I asked who in the h*ll is this? This is OW2. She sounded frightened when she found out who I was. I talked with H and asked him what was going on. We got into a huge argument with each of us saying horrible things. A few days later, H calls me and we have a calm convo and we apologize to each other.

In my state we have to take a class for married couples with children to attend prior to the judge signing the decree. Mind you, the D was filed in 7/2005 and is still pending. After the heated phone call with H, I guess I had my fill of the lies, cheating, and everything else and attended my class without telling H. H called D13 the night of the class and asked where I was. She told H that I was at a class for work (which is what I told her). Late that night (around 11:30 pm) H calls me with private number, which I don't answer. H calls D13 and asks to talk to me. H wanted to know what class I took. I wouldn't give him an answer, but he kept on and on, so I told him. H was surprised that I followed through with this part. H asked if I still loved him and I told him very much. H wanted to know if things could work out between us, I told him that I didn't know.

So for the past 3 1/2 weeks H and I talk daily. Talked about dating again. H would come around to see me and we would ML Sunday, H comes over to my house. H has all his belongings. We never discussed him moving back in, we did discuss him moving in with a mutual (male) friend of ours.

The only thing H brings into the house was his toiletries and a few dirty clothes to wash. He leaves everything else in his truck. We spend the whole day watching football (which I love) in bed. We did ML twice that day I enjoyed the time with him but I felt I was emotionally detached, had my guard up I guess.

Monday we both go to work and H takes the belongings he brought in back to his truck. H comes back to the house after work. We don't talk much, he's in the bedroom watching football, while I'm in the living room channel surfing. Still feeling detached.

As we lay in bed, H asks me "Have you felt anything these past two days?" I replied, "Honestly, no." He said the same. Then he starts rubbing my head, putting his head on my chest and holding me. H wanted to know if things would work out between us, I told him I didn't know. We ended up ML and I held him during the night.

H calls me today to inform me that he was going to get a room to think about things. H asked me if I could be the woman he wanted I asked him what that was, he said someone that will hold me, someone that will caress me, and gently scratch my back. Someone who will spoil me (with love). I told him I was those things but just never showed it. H wanted to know if I had screwed around on him, I told him no, which I haven't. H asked if I had with one of his friends . I told him no. I have no idea where that came from. H says that he is afraid of starting over with me only to have me going back to my old ways. I told him that if he were to give me the chance he could see the changes (I know it kinda sounds like I was asking for a second chance but I really wasn't). I wanted him to know that he could trust me but that's something he has to decide.

So this is where I'm at right now. I've got this nagging feeling that he is testing the waters with me right now to see how I am, and maybe seeing OW2 too? To see who's better? I really don't know if that's the case, it could me just being suspicious - My woman's intuition radar has not gone off yet.

How can I show my H that I can be the loving wife he is wanting. He has repeatedly told me that he has tried to get over me, he compares other womem to me, that there is something that draws him to me.

[sean669]

You've been here for a while. Looks like he might be seeing your changes. Thats good news. The feeling thing....

Love is a choice. sometimes the feeling is there, sometimes not so much. Dr. Chapman stats it well in the 5 languages of love. If you do loving things, and he does loving things, those feelings will be there.... they take a while.

So what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for
your spouse to make the first move? Are you
waiting to feel love?

Most people think that the FEELING of love comes
BEFORE we express love - and in the beginning of a
relationship, that's what happens. You fall in
love and THEN you do acts of love. Your feelings
inspire your actions.

But mature love asks more of you. To create a
strong LASTING marriage, you first CHOOSE LOVING
ACTIONS. Your feelings will follow.

After all, you don't jog two miles or skip
dessert because you feel healthy. You feel
healthy because you jogged two miles and skipped
dessert. So too, when it comes to your marriage,
YOUR ACTIONS CREATE YOUR FEELINGS!

I got this quote in an emial...

[Phoenix_spark]

Yep, you're in the right place. Read around the threads a bit and let's see if we can help you. Welcome.

[kaydeekay]

sean669:

You've been here for a while.
Yep, unfortunately

Looks like he might be seeing your changes

I'm not so sure. When I do express my love for him by hugging, kissing, touching, holding, etc. I feel as though he thinks I'm just doing it because I know this is what he wants or that I'm being phoney...and when I don't do these things I feel that he thinks I'm back to the old me. So it's like damned if I do, damned if I don't. I really don't know what to do.

I like the quote. I agree that love is a choice, but with H he thinks it's a feeling. He likes the "falling in love" feeling and feels that he should have that feeling with me when he is around me.

[kaydeekay]

Thanks Phoenix Spark, I need all the help I can get, and if I can help someone else, I will do the same.

[WAWfighter]

Keydeekay, long time no see but I think I remember your name. My sitch is here to in "Need help with reconciliation." Check it out.

I too face similar circumstances. I find when I do nice things for W I get accused of trying too hard. I reminded her the other day that I really am doing nothing different regarding being nice that I did two years ago and it gave her pause to think.

In one of the many books I've read was something to the effect of "you can be right or you can be married." Seems to apply here. Just keep doing the best you can. BTW, if it all works out, and I truly hope it does, don't get off the boards too fast. I did and I now wish I hadn't.

[kaydeekay]

Thanks WAWfighter,

After my last post, I phone H at work. I asked H how he was feeling (he had broke out in a rash on his chest and had an upset stomach, maybe stress about me?) He said he felt okay. I suggested that it would be a good idea if we didn't speak with one another for the next two days while he is gathering his thoughts. At first he was unsure about this but agreed to it. I asked H if he was afraid of me. He said he was. I told him there was no need to be afraid of me, but that he was one that had to make the decision not to be. I asked H by Thursday we should know what to do. H said Yes, definitely. Before we said our goodbyes, H said "I love you" and I said "I love you too." H has not said ILY in months. So I really don't what to take of this. In my pessimistic mind (I know I need to be really positive) I'm thinking "Okay, he wants to finally let me go on a good note and let me know that he does love me but not like he used to."

The times I've been around H he's kinda nervous (trembling hands). I truly believe H wants to be with me, but he has a fear of letting down his wall that is built around his emotions for me. He's afraid of me hurting him again and not truly love him for who he is. I remember times, before all of this chaos happened, when I did tell H that I loved him, he would say "No you don't."

I've learned from my mistakes, and I know I can express my love for him in ways that I never did before. But I don't think I will get that chance unless he lets his guard down.

[WAWfighter]

Wow, it really sounds like we are in similar situations. I too think my W has built this huge wall around her heart and she is scared to death to let me back in. Her mom passed away about two weeks before she started A and I think she has real abandonment issues.

The best we can do is just be there sometimes. One important thing that I've learned is to not walk away when we're arguing or otherwise in heavy R talks. It's hard but I find that she really notices. "Don't just do something, stand there."

Keep up the patience KDK, that's the best we can do.

[kaydeekay]

Journaling:

10/19/06:
H comes home after work asking if he could bring all of his clothes in becaue he's "tired of carrying them around" with him. I told him he could and he enlisted the help of D13. There was never any talk about us working things out, he just took it upon himself to move in. Both D's spent the night with friends, had a nice evening to ourselves.

10/20/06:
Came home from work. We went to a local bar for a couple fo drinks and came home. We watched TV and went to sleep. Both nights, H held me close as we slept.

10/21/06:
H had to help a friend move, then H has lunch with another buddy, then H attends a football watching party with co-worker. So he's gone all day Saturday and even Saturday night Not so much as a phone call. After a few drinks at home, I called his cell..no answer, so I made the mistake of checking his VM. No incriminating messages.

10/22/06:
Two year anniversary of separation. H comes home around 12:30 p.m. with pizza. I asked H if he had a good time and he said he did. Asked if I left him a bunch of mean messages and I told him No, just one this morning asking you to call. I asked him if this would be becoming a habit of staying out all night and he said "No, I promise you that."

The whole day we watched sports. Nothing much. Had dinner. Not much of interacting with each other. He seemed more standoffish than anything. H had his cell charging and that evening checked his phone for any messages. H asked if I had checked his messages, and I said "No, why?" H said his cell phone was not indicating any messages when there should be and that he would check (somehow) if someone tried a passcode and it didn't work. I've been guilty of trying to break his code. It happened about a year ago. OW had his old code and I knew that code because he gave it to me. OW changed H's outgoing message saying: "You have reached OW and H...blah, blah, blah." When I heard that I told H and he changed his message and code. So, later on down the road, H washed his phone and had to get it replaced. Since his phone was down I thought I would snoop (I know...not good). I had 3 chances to get the code right and didn't. So, I tried it again and a message came on saying that phone number xxx-xxx-xxxxx has been trying to access your VM without success. I tried another code and got it correct...whew!

Okay, back to Sunday...later in the evening H announced that he would be sleeping on the couch becuase the mattress seemed to slope towards the middle. This is a brand new mattress and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. So at bedtime I tell H good night and I would see him in the morning. H said he would just lay on the couch for a bit and will be in the bedroom, which he was after 10 minutes. Not much holding last night, in fact there was none from him, just me holding him.

10/23/06:
We get up and go to work. I'm trying to contact H more often than I used to. It seems that since I've started DB'ing I have really took the no contact with H to the extreme. Sometimes, I'm afraid to call him because I don't to come across as pursuing, silly I know. I tried a couple of times but he was busy. H ended up calling me and I asked about his day and told him what I plan on making for dinner. He seemed pleased with dinner plans. H then asks me for the phone number of the counselor we both saw a few times during the beginning of our separation. I gave him the number and asked him if this was for himself, he said it was. I don't know why he wants to talk with the counselor...I didn't push it.

Like I've said before, I think H is afraid to get close to me again. I've noticed he tends to say "Oh, I'm sorry" over little things (ex: his clean laundry was sitting on the couch so I moved over to sit down). It's like he's apologizing over the things that used to set me off, when in fact they no longer do...but the big things like not calling me when he's out all night, I get no apology?!

Could someone help me understand why H can have all his clothes hanging in the closet again, but yet he keeps his toiletries in his bag? Everyday he gets his toothbrush, hairbrush, deodorant, shaving cream and razor out...will use them and then puts them back in his bag. I don't understand and I don't even know how to ask why he does that.

[brandnewday]

He has to start somewhere.
Let him try and figure out his place in your home.
He is probably walking around with alot of guilt and shame and not quite knowing where he fits in.
Remember he came home to you.
Do you want him there?
Then let him set the pace right now.
There will be plenty of time for questions and aplogies later on.
Hang in there!!