Quote: but anytime I let my mind wander at all I start feeling sick -- for all I know, nothing that I have done has made any difference and he still plans to D me.
hey there, I know it is hard when we let our mind take the whole pict, it's mind blowing, over again. Keep the faith, keep moving. He prob isnt' saying much 'cause he is still weighting the sitch, my H still is after all these months together, we need to show them that whatever postive changes we've done are genuine and permanent.
hang in there))))))) it's a long ride, but you'll become a much better person no matter what.
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
Am still feeling calm generally, but anytime I let my mind wander at all I start feeling sick -- for all I know, nothing that I have done has made any difference and he still plans to D me.
Wow, we are all on that ride! I try not to think about it too much. Just try to focus on right now. That's great that your H has agreed to go on dates with you. I also have a November birthday. Let me just say Happy Birthday to you a little early. If I was there I would take your kids out shopping for you. It's sounds like you deserve a really special day. Have a wonderful weekend with your kiddos!
Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
ToF - Do you have a thread going right now - I saw that you've had a recent identity change, but hadn't seen an independent ToF thread.
Shelly - Happy early b-day to you, too. I have to say that my H, even in the best of times, has never been the best at giving timely, thoughtful gifts, so I have no expectation that I will get anything at all this year. Yes, I agree that it's good that he's agreed to go out on a few "dates", but I don't know if they've really made any difference. I thought we had a good time, but H hasn't said he's enjoyed them, and I wonder if he's just wanting to be able to say, "I tried spending time with you, and I still have no feelings for you."
Journaling: I haven't done very well with my attempt to be more dim the last 2 days. The last 2 nights, H has called late enough that he knew that S3 would be asleep. Both times, we talked mostly about kid issues, some small talk, so I guess that's fine. But, I was clearly enthusiastic about talking to him, and he cut both conversations off abruptly -- like he was sick of talking to me. I should have cut off the conversations first and not seemed so grateful to talk to him. Ugh.
It has been almost 6 months since "the bomb" for me, and I have no reason to believe that anything is different at all. But, I don't want to bring up our sitch/where we stand because I am sure I won't get the answers I want. I hope that H is still thinking about things, but he is very non-confrontational -- if I don't bring (difficult) things up, we generally don't talk about them. So, maybe I am just putting off the inevitable by not bringing up the R/what he is going to do. That's fine for now. But, I can't live like this forever - not knowing where I stand, trying so hard to make him happy all the time . . . Have no idea how he's going to want to handle the holidays (i.e. spending time together as a family and with our extended families) -- I wonder if that will be the impetus for him to make some sort of decision.
Guess I am not doing that well with the PMA.
Well, must go work on some laundry and other chores.
Journaling: Spoke with H on the phone for just a few minutes yesterday night. S3 had alot to say (typical 3 year old stuff -- very cute), and H needed to get to sleep (early flight this morning), so it left only a few minutes for me to talk with him, which was fine with me. We had a perfectly pleasant conversation. I let H know that I might need to work late tonight so that I'll get enough done to come home early tomorrow for Halloween and he was fine with that (is usually annoyed if I have to work late as it saddles him with more of the "non-fun" childcare responsibilities, AND it means that he is on his own for dinner). Was very tired this morning, and am not looking that great today, so I won't be all prettied up when he sees me tonight. Oh well.
Earlier this month H said that we would talk "later in the month" about where we stood in our R/M (I asked him after being upset by his non-reaction to our first "date" earlier this month). The month is over tomorrow and we have not talked. I have not brought R/M up and will not unless H initiates. I did bring up Thanksgiving, and acted as if we would do what we normally do (shuttle between both of our families - kind of a pain, but makes our parents happy). I am sure that he originally intended for us to be totally separated by this point, and maybe not even do Thanksgiving together as a family, so I wonder if by bringing it up I will get him thinking. That really wasn't my intent - I am just wanting to plan, as my parents plan around his parents timeframe (we go to his parents early and my parents late in the day), and my mom is a VERY advance planner.
I am not really looking forward to H being back (he's home Tuesday, Wed, Thurs, and has not yet indicated whether or not he will spend any time away at his apartment -- he usually gives me about 5 minutes notice as to when he's going to go, even though I asked him to give me 24 hours notice) -- I am starting to realize that I am under so much less stress when my only interaction with him is 10-15 minutes a day on the phone.
hey hon, no, I don't have a tread, I'm still flying low, in a while I'll ditch the new name and go back to being cat03, I have a few threads on "piecing" under cat with great advice if you care to look at them.
About Thanksgiving, when I was separated we still did the usual, went to both our families' home. Just ask him about his schedule for Thanksgiving and let him take it from there, just be casual about it.
Quote: I am starting to realize that I am under so much less stress when my only interaction with him is 10-15 minutes a day on the phone.
I remember that, on the outside I was keeping it together, but boy I was going nuts elsewhere, I started having obsesions w/death, getting old, who's going to care about me, etc etc, it was stress, it was coming out some other ways, so please try to talk to a therapist when you can ok?
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
Haven't written to you in a while. I'm amazed that a guy WOULDN'T want to spend every waking moment with his 3 year old son. What non-pleasant child care? There's nothing better than a 3-10 year old son! Can't make his own dinner, but he can fly a 757? What? Geez, I wish this guy would wake up and smell the coffee in first class!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FLTC - H really is a good dad -- I meant that he doesn't like to do the more mundane childcare stuff, like making sure that teeth are brushed and backpack for school is packed or bottles made for the baby for when I am gone. He would rather leave all those chores for me! He actually flies the A320 (Airbus), by the way
Journaling: Busy at work the last few days. Came home early on Halloween to be there for Trick or Treating, then stayed up till 2:00 am doing the work I didn't get done since I left early. Have been running myself ragged trying to fulfill my home, personal and professional responsibilities, AND DB AND continue my changes/try to make H happy. I am tired. Today, though, some girlfriends at work convinced me to go get a pedicure at lunch. Very fun and relaxing to chat while we treated ourselves a little. H has been alternately somewhat normal and then cold towards me. I don't know what to expect from one hour to the next. He was nice to me right before I went to sleep last night - joking around and chatting with me, but this morning, he seemed really annoyed by me.
He leaves again tomorrow morning (again for 4 days), will be back Monday night. I again find myself looking forward to not having to try to be "on" all the time.
He did tell me that his dad made reservations for 1:30 for Thanksgiving (his mom is not a good cook so we always go out for Thanksgiving), so I assume that means that he wants me to go. His parents don't even know what's going on with us (they live a few hours away), so I guess it would be weird to them if I DIDN'T show up, so it may be more H's unwillingness to confront the situation/rock the boat with his parents that is driving the plan. Christmas isn't far away either though . . . I really want to believe that all this means he is still wavering as to what to do, and isn't ready to "go public" yet because of that. But it could also be that he is just so unable to confront the issue that he can't bring himself to talk to his parents about it even if his decision is made. Communications in his family on anything important are practically non-existent. I am not going to be the one who pushes the issue.
No real point to my rambling today - just tired of this whole situation.
Quote: but this morning, he seemed really annoyed by me.
He leaves again tomorrow morning (again for 4 days), will be back Monday night. I again find myself looking forward to not having to try to be "on" all the time.
HE's going to fluctuate from good to bad modes for a while, so dont' put it on yourself to be "on" all the time, heaven forgive me, but I'll use the old cliche "be yourself". His attitude is on him, dont' let him drag you down, RELAX, let his bad attitude slide, be your confident self.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
You know lemon. I get the same thing with my H. Sometimes normal and other times cold. I also feel like I have to be "on" when he is here. I know I need to get over that. Frankly, I wish I didn't care what he thought anymore. You sound like an incredible woman and we shouldn't have to convince our H's that we are wonderful. They should know that already! I'm glad you pampered yourself a bit today. I love a good pedicure! Stay strong.
Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
Haven't had much time to read or post in the last 5-6 days as work has been very busy. Also, almost 9 month old D is teething, so she has been keeping me up at night! Will try to get around to some other threads today or tomorrow to catch up on what's going on.
H has been home the last 2 days and nights. With the exception of 2 nasty comments (which I handled well, if I do say so -- things that might have turned into full-on fights in the past, but instead I just apologized, validated and then changed the subject), things have been pretty "normal" and we have been doing ok. We ML on Monday night even. And, he helped me with getting the kids bathed and to bed last night. Rather than being happy, though, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop at any time. I saw (he didn't hide this) that H requested checks be sent to him that could be drawn off of one of our investment accounts. He has previously talked about wanting to buy his own place rather than renting for long (this was a few months ago), and I had seen a business card for a mortgage broker, so of course, I thought maybe he is trying to set himself up to be able to make a down-payment on something. I didn't say anything about it. Then, last night he told me that one of his friends is interested in buying one of H's motorcycles (he has 2 right now), and if the friend does, H wants to buy a new, very expensive bike, which he would pay cash for. So, maybe that's what the checks are about. Who knows. I told him that the price that he and the friend have agreed on for the old bike sounded good. I also took a look at the new bike on-line and said I liked it (I do).
H has not asked anything about what I might want for my birthday (Sunday). He always asks me what I want because he never knows what to get me. He is leaving on a trip on Friday (will be back Sunday night), and I am assuming he won't give my anything or do anything before my birthday, and he hasn't mentioned going to dinner or anything for it. I am not going to say anything about it, and am going to try really hard not to care if he does nothing at all, which seems likely.
On the bright side, I am going out for a very nice early birthday lunch today with one of my girlfriends.
Thought I have been busy, I have not done a very good job really FOCUSING on work the last few weeks, and I really need to get with it. Sigh. I am just tired of waking up each day wondering if H is going to suddenly give me some horrible news.
