A week ago WAW ended formally her A w/Om by sending him an email and W cc'ed me on it. So far so good.
W still says she wants to work on it.
Now I have serious trust issues, very serious. Since a few weeks W made friends on myspace, when she learned I read her myspace she made her profile private. Shortly before that she contacted somebody who lives close by.
Since then a number of things happened. She wants to go to a concert by herself, later admitted she met people there that she knew from myspace. In the last four weeks there were several night where she had 'work'events and somtimes she came home past 1 am. She does not call or tell me about it. Only if I keep asking she admits things like 'oh we went dancing.....'
Two weeks ago W received 2 tickets for a show last Sat. She said she got them as a promotion (she works as a public realations person). She won't go to the show, she gave the tickets to somebody else. Then last week she tells me suddenly there is another 'workevent' exactly at the same time the show is. W said she will be home early. Wasn't of course and a very lame excuse.
Now I'm thinking about asking her for access to her myspace. Is this too much to ask from somebody who says wants to work on the M? The thing is, if I learn about a second A I'm out. Done. I won't fight again for this M if this happens.
Opinions? I know, this question would not be proper DBing.
I'm in no place to give 'expert' advice, but yeah, this is NOT the actions of someone committed to working on an M. Why is she going out WITHOUT you? Hello? That's crap. Are you guys in MC? Has anything changed?
When my H finished his A, he gave me all his email passwords, and still lets me know when he changes them. If he was hiding something, I would be ALL over that crap. He lost the right to privacy for a while (now, I don't read his email - anymore - but I have access to do so if I feel the need) because he breached the trust of the marriage covenant. Period.
She is sounding like a partying teenager. Myspace, please. (okay, I just got off a 12 hour shift at work so I'm not as compassionate as I'd like to be, but jeez, what kind of Reconciliation IS this?)
Well, guess you know where I stand. ha.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
We were in MC until I learned she is still involved w/OM. Then I quit. There is just no point in MC if one wants to be w/someone else.
Yes, W is a partying teenager. I wish she would agree to give me passwords etc. Then I could try to reconcile. Now w/the current behavior, I agree w/you, what kind of reconciliation is THAT?
BTW, I love the idea of evolving and learning as you go--becoming a more evolved and differentiated person is the ultimate goal of DB (IMHO). It is an open minded attitude to have and will ultimately lead to success for you. We all have things to learn for the rest of our lives.
It occurs to me that there is a blurry line between what DBing means when you are separated and faced with an impending divorce, and what it means to be reconciling while DBing.
In the first scenario, you may swallow a little more pride because you are shell shocked and are trying to stablize the situation without driving a bigger wedge into the sitch. You may put up with stuff you wouldn't necessarily put up with from a friend or lover--for the same reason--letting a little space between you and the emotions is a good thing when you need to process stuff. But in the second scenario, you have both, in theory, recommitted to the R and made some clear goals about what you should do to heal.
I'm sure it is VERY normal to have doubts and mistrust after there has been a betrayal like an affair. And I'm sure it probably takes years to build back the trust that was lost. However, the trust must be built back--it cannot just magically happen--it takes work. Bth H and W have to be committed to working toward that, otherwise reconcilliation is difficult, if not impossible.
YOur W tells you she wants to work it out but her actions contradict her words. Either she's in or she's out, but the half in and half out will only cause more mental anguish for you both. The mysterious outings and half truths trouble me and while I have no idea what you can do to encourage her to be more forthright, you should find a way to deal with it that lets your W know that you love her, but that if she is in this for a reconcilliation, she needs to be ALL the way in. Your W needs to decide where her priorities lie. If she needs to act like a teenager for a while then she should probably do that somewhere else. Right now her behavior is causing a major road block to building back trust in your relationship In fact, it is causing you both to lose trust in each other.
DBing does not mean to stay quiet about everything, but it does mean you should not make W responsible for your feelings. Rather thn asking for her password (which will probably make her feel like a busted teenager) I would say something like this: "W, I love you and think you are a wonderful woman. I would love for us to work on our marriage and build it into something loving and great again. I know this will take time and I have the patience to work on this with you. HOwever, if you do not feel that you can commit 100% to me and our M, then maybe we should spend some time apart so that you can sew your wild oats and I can get some clarity."
In this way, you express your unconditional love and also an empathy for her needs. YOu do not blame her for your feelings or ask her to change for you. YOu are inviting her to work on the marriage with you but also letting go of her if she wishes to behave in a way that hurts you and the M.
I'm not a phychologist, but I play one on TV. Althea
I have the feeling I am on the wrong board. Just b/c W said she wants to work on it doesn't mean it is going to happen. I think I should post a question on the MLC board.
And I had a major backslide. W knows how to push my buttons. Tuesday evening W said she has an appt. w/her C. Then she called at a time when I thought she must be home by now, 'oh, I was late for my appt. (she had the day off from work!) so it took longer, and oh, I have to stop by the mall and pay a bill'. Me:ok, I thought we have dinner together, I will feed D5. 45 min later (when I thought she would be home by now) another call, 'oh, I saw a couple of dresses, really nice, they kept me here, but I'm coming home now. Then it took again quite a while until she was home and she came with a hamper. Stopped at another store. Now it was almost time for D5 to go to bed. And it was a special day for her b/c she had a teddy bear from school for the night. So I got angry again, yes, I'm sorry, but it happened.
W has the whole day for herself, her major goal was to spent more time w/the children. But if they are home she has to go to the mall, she couldn't do that during the day????
Then W tells me she had a really tough C session and needed the time away. She could have said so! Now she says she wanted to talk to me about her C session, but b/c I got angry she is NOT talking to me anymore! Great. I know I make mistakes b/c I haven't slept for more than 3 h a night since Sat. And I'm emotionally exhausted.
I know I have to work to be calmer, but I'm not superman.
Dealing w/W in MLC is just awful.
I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.
maybe she wanted to shop and have time to herself, I'm playing devil's advocate here, but I have gotten carried away while shopping many times, the intended 30min turn into 1and30min trips.
EM, you are sleep deprived something awful, can you take something to help you sleep? it is putting you on edge, take a break ok? are you doing stuff just for yourself? she has her shopping trips, what do you do to relax?
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Right now I'm torn between moving out and staying. Then there is the stress with our house on the market not selling. And if it sells I will have no way to buy a new one in the area I'm living in. So I'm not really sure if I want to sell. I feel quite confused. Funny writing that, that's what I'm hearing from WAW all the time.
Then there is D5 which uses up quite a bit of energy.
So in the end, work, home'duties', and stress w/R doesn't let me really do anything to relax besides seeing friends once or twice a week.
And I already take sleeping aids. Still not more than 3 h. Sounds pretty crazy huh?
ah jeez EM, that's not good! you might need to get some real anxiety meds, you prob arent' crazy abuot that, but you need some rest somehow. The house market is way down, there are homes in my area not selling for months, I can see how this can stress you out big time.
Keeping you in my prayers, hope you get some rest EM)))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I guess my M is over. Had just an R talk w/W. She wants me to move out again. Will move out next week back in our house. She thinks we can start rebuilding from there. She wants a little more space. She doesn't realize that I have financed everything so far. And I had to run up quite some debt. So there will be serious money issues once I'm gone. And of course that will lead to more conflict......How is that supposed to work FOR us???????
