Hi All, I've been on the infidelity board since the beginning of the year. Bomb was in Oct. 05. Although H has not "admitted" anything, it appears that he has recommitted to our marriage. Keep in mind H is not a talker and gets very uncomfortable having R talks. He tells me we are fine and writes ILY on notes he leaves me each day, although he never says ILY. When we are together he seems very standoff-ish. We recently ML, the first time since last November, but there was no talk before, during or after. It's almost like it never happened. He shows no affection towards me at all. He will hug me goodnight but will turn his face far away from mine to avoid kissing me.
Is this guilt? He is still missing OW? Is he just not into me? Can someone on this forum help me out? Thanks.
Hey there, I'm glad first of all that he appears to want to recommit.
Quote: but there was no talk before, during or after. It's almost like it never happened
The first time we ML it was a spur of the moment, after he came back (the A had ended badly a few weeks before,-my best guess) we'd sleep together but he'd sleep away from me or wrap himself up.
There was no talk either, before or after, though weeks later he did tell me that it didnt' feel the same. I'm pretty sure he was still getting over Ow and as much as it hurts to admitted, he was very taken w/her, thought he loved her and then she dropped him in an awful way, add to that depression, so he wans't in the greatest shape.
Lots of WASs who are back, can't just turn a button and bam! back to being fully attractive and affectionate with the LBS. They need to heal from the broken R of the A and find it in them to learn to love us again. How wonderful he does acknowledge w/notes, my H never does.
There is lots and lots of guilt, my H also told me that, that he felt guilty and that was the other reason he couldnt' ML to me as before. We've also got into a huge argument where I lost it and asked him"do you miss her body?, is that the kind of woman you want now?'" and "you don't find me attractive anymore, you never compliment me or tell me I'm pretty". He told me he does think I'm pretty, but that he is honestly too tired (lame excuse though somewhat true, its' mostly that his mind isnt' in me right now), that he thought he was showing something by just sitting next to me and what did it matter who initiates affection. I told him I need him to reach out to me, that if he doesn't initiate contact I don't feel affection, that I knew I was pretty but needed to hear it from him. At the end he did acknowledge and told me he would remember what I'd say.
You and I need to be patient, when you start rebuilding an M in our case we have to go back to being friends, as much as we desire our H's, I want so much that desire he had for me before but we are just rebuilding our R and M and it istn' going to happen in a few weeks. My H was goen on Sep 05 and came back on April 06, it's been a while, I hear it takes about a year for some WAS to find/rekindle the love they once had w/their spouses.
Hang in there hon))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Thanks Cat, A year huh? Well, it's been almost a year since this whole mess started and I'm still alive and kickin' - so I guess if it takes another year to rebuild our R then so be it.
I can see from your sign off that your H is back, how long has he been back? Has he opened up to you yet? My H really hasn't yet. We had a fight at the end of August and I told him in the heat of the moment to just leave. He then stated that he wasn't going to give up me, our kids, or our home for anyone or anything. Since then he has been coming straight home from work everyday (except for once) so I am assuming that things with OW are over.
Is your H affectionate with you? How are the relationships with others on this "piecing" forum?
Was reading Believing Isiah's thread and copied this:
Quote: I need to be supportive and not so fcuking DISAPPOINTED in what I am not getting from my H. That hangs like a black cloud over the atmosphere of this house and it's UP TO ME TO CHANGE THAT, not to wait for some happy pill to descend upon the home for me to get over my disappointment and ENTITLEMENT feelings. Which is somewhat understandable, but one hell of a cheesless tunnel here.
I think this hits the nail on the head on how I am feeling. Dissappointed. Since there isn't a magic pill that will make everything all better, how can I let go of my expectations?
you can lower them, it is my daily fight, HAVE to remember we have to learn to be friends OVER again. The expectations are there, gnawing at my leg each time I see him. But work w/what you have and not with the "ideal" you'd like to have, appreciate any/every little thing, we have to focus on -however scarce- their attempts to reconnect w/us.
My H has been back since April, he was pretty clamed up the first month. This past month, despite our agreement not to walk about he A or Ow I was able to ask him a few questions and he opened up a bit, he actually said "the more time passes,the more I see what kind of person she was, I'd give anything for all that (A) not to have happen).
Except for my hissy fit last saturday, he actually talked about the A, I did ask questions carefully, about he felt when he was away and if there was anthing good he felt that he wanted to see in us. He told me he wanted to forget the whole thing, that he couldnt' remember one good thing about the A.
I started very slowly, by holding his hand, by kissing him good night, after I while I went further. Now we do ML, now and then he'll do little aftectionate moves, not often though. He does reciprocate all the time though when I hold his hand or if I kiss him or initiate sex.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I think those of us who were the LBS want to just pick up where we left off, or start up where we wanted to be all along. I have begun to see just how much it doesn't work like that.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Sorry, but I'm bumping to the top again... there must be others here that are piecing their M back together. Come on, let me in on what I can expect. I feel that my expectations are probably too high, and whenever my H doesn't fulfill them I am majorly dissappointed. Help me out here. When the WAS decides to stay in the marriage, how do they act. Are they affectionate or do they withhold affection because they can't give it, for whatever reason? I just want things to work out, ya know? I have DB'd for almost 1 year. Put up with things that I NEVER thought that I would. I thought that if my S cheated on me, that would be it. But it's not. Some may think I am crazy, but I don't care. I want to desperately fix my M. Help?
I think one of the best things you can do is to journal your successes. Even if they are Infinitesimally small.
Change really does occur at such a snails pace that you hardly notice. But if you notice and keep track of it you can really see how far you've come. That's the best way to keep a good attitude when you get low.
Otherwise you get discouraged to easily and constantly question if it's happening.
Journal and you can answer your own questions very definitevely. You'll need this.
Just remember
"It does not matter how slowly you go, as long as you keep going"
Hiya..I think all of us LBS gets dissapointed once in a while. SOmetimes, I think it's our stupid brains that tells us to feel dissapointed because of H's past wrongdoing and it's our RIGHT to feel dissapointed and that H be feeling guilty etc etc...
Alot of times, looking back...H is trying hard to reconnect and to be affectionate, and there goes my stupid LBS brain that wants him to be guilty, to feel bad etc etc.. and then I give him a hard time even when he has not done anything bad in the present.. So this has to STOP.
One thing that I agree is that the WAS cannot zap back immediately to only loving us... and as if the op did not ever exist...Many times when I expressed some discontentment, my H would say "it takes time. you cannot expect everything to be back to normal immediately. please dont stir things up. Things are fine and are getting better"... So, bottom line is PATIENCE!!!!
My deduction-
* Once the WAS decides to commit to the M for real, they want to move forward.
* The past with the op reminds them of their guilt and wrongdoings. Thus, they do not want to go there...
* The WAS will try to reconnect/ do things to "redeem" themselves in the ways they know how (we may not agree on the ways, though...so will not see it as redemption)
* WAS will slowly try to "work" things/words/routines that they have experienced with op into life with LBS... will normally start off small ...then working up???
Well...that's my non-expert deduction anyway...
I've just got a text from my H that says "Nite nite hun"... (well, huney was what they used to call each other..)... so, I guessed in time (PATIENCE..my dear), the word huney will just mean ME and ME alone... and no longer for ow at all...
