The lighting o' the lightbulbs

[cinemanymph]

The last time my H and I ML, a bunch of lightbulbs went off for me. My H does not desire me! He wants to assuage his insecurities about being a man. OMG, he wants to use my Os to shore up his masculinity! My aversion to sex has so little to do with me having been abused, and so much to do with my husband's adolescent view of sex. I can't believe that this has been in front of me all this time and I didn't see it. Instead of confronting him about the things that bother me about his sexual style, I immersed myself in the pain of my past. What was I thinking? How could I do this to myself? Him? And my family? How do I come clean after 10 years of this?

[Andrew_B]

I can't answer most of those questions for you, but ...

How do I come clean after 10 years of this?

We grow continually throughout our lives. It often takes a long time, and a lot of realizations, to see some behavior for what it is and be ready to deal with it. We bring baggage into our marriages (myself more than anyone), and it is a long growing process to deal with it (hopefully the spouse is also growing along with you). Ten years is actually quite a short time frame in the grand scheme of dealing with these things.

[Burgbud]

The last time my H and I ML, a bunch of lightbulbs went off for me. My H does not desire me!

Back up the bus. Are you sure your H doesn't desire you? Did he tell you that directly? If not, what is your proof of his lack of desire for you?

He may well be engaging in orgasm-centered love making and that may well cause problems for you, but there is more than one possible explanation for why he would do that.

[cinemanymph]

Andrew,

Thank you for the kind words.

I am being hard on myself, because someone needs to be. Even though I was unaware, I'm still responsible for the damage I have caused, the growth I have stunted. I haven't given my H an honest opportunity to please me. I have accepted his adolescent bids for sex with a smile, while burying physical revulsion and hiding behind childhood sexual abuse. My behavior has been terrible and I don't have anyone to blame but myself. Now I need to take some extremely hard but necessary steps to repair the damage I have caused.

[cinemanymph]

Burgbud,
My H did not verbalize that he does not desire me. His actions indicate that I am a means to his ends. It's not me he desires, it's the feeling that he is a virile male. I can understand wanting to feel that way, but he is going about getting that feeling in a manner that turns me off completely. And I have been dishonest with him about it.

[karen1]

Cine,

Be careful with this line of thinking. I have often thought this exact same thing in those exact same words. It isn't a fruitful line of thought. I have even directly said this to my H who said, "That simply isn't the case." He didn't say he desired me, didn't elaborate, nothing. I have concluded that he honestly does believe that he desires me, it doesn't feel like it but that is my problem isn't it? He shows me in the way he feels comfortable. Are you sure this isn't the case with your H?

Karen

[cinemanymph]

Karen,

I suppose I should be hurt by the mere thought that my H doesn't desire me, but I am not. It goes a long way to explain a lot of his behavior and it gives me a starting point to begin to heal. It's exciting to finally know why we are having problems connecting and that the solution is so simple. Even if I asked H, "do you want me ?", H would say of course and miss my point completely. I don't believe he is any more aware of his behavior then I was of mine, so asking him is moot.

[Burgbud]

I can understand wanting to feel that way, but he is going about getting that feeling in a manner that turns me off completely.

Then we both agree that part of your sexual job is to teach him how you like to be pleasured.


His actions indicate that I am a means to his ends.

You seem reluctant to share what specific actions of his are indicating this to you so we'll have to stick to generalities. You could well be entirely correct but that's not obvious based on what you've posted so far.


It's not me he desires, it's the feeling that he is a virile male.

Do those things have to be mutually exclusive?

Would he be just fine having sex with the most unattractive (to him) woman in the world, as long as her reactions made him feel virile? If you were ML to a man you desired, would it matter to you if he O'd? Would you want to feel like you were good in bed when you were with such a man? If so, your actions would probably indicate to him that you wanted to feel like a "virile female". Would this man you desire possibly think that you *didn't* desire him but merely wanted to feel like you were sexually adept?

If the problem is that your H is too goal-oriented during ML, in his mind he might well feel that if you're LD now you're *really* not going to want him if he can't at least get you off. So while his methods may be backfiring, it seems to me you have yet to make the case that he doesn't desire you. You've seized that conclusion very strongly, however. Is there a payoff for you in believing that?

[cinemanymph]

Burgbud,
What I am trying to get at is that my H wants me to assure him of his manliness. I can't do that for him. He needs to do that for himself. When he does so, I will desire him for infinity, in infinite ways.

[Burgbud]

What I am trying to get at is that my H wants me to assure him of his manliness.

Ah. I would guess that's almost certainly correct. And you're right that you can't do it for him. I was getting confused by and bogged down in the notion that he doesn't desire you.