The Little Black Book

[believing_isaiah43]

Been off the boards for several days, just checking in! This Piecing crap is harder than trying to 'save' the M from the brink of ruin, IMO. (heavy sigh)

[cat03]

H got tested, still wating 4 results though nurse told him if he'd got the usual STDs it would've shown by now.

Well, screwed things up royally this weekend. We only had one night together 'cause of training, was expecting sex, he was too tired, ended having a midnight "talk" abour how I get no affection, how i get no compliments from him- from everyone else but from him-and how he thought OP was beautiful, about how his sex drive was up the roof before and w/OP now he is too tired, etc etc.

I'm pretty sure my PMS didnt' help, I just let out all I read on the fated book. He told me how I shouldn't take all I read as gospel, that those were his feelings at that time and that it is in the past he is trying to forget. How everyweek "there is something" I bring up.

Yes, I shouldn't have gotten all emotional and I do know this week was specially physically trying on him, I'm just trying to understand that for now his sex drive is different, the circumstances are different and I can't expect so much, I know I know, he told me I"m just pushing him away w/ all this.

Well, at least he did understand about how a hug and him initiating little affection gestures makes a huge difference for me. He thought it was showing affection (or something, closeness) when he just sits there next to me when we watch out sat. night movie. He did say he'd try to be more attentive.

I'll do better this next weekend, I promise. He did make it up in the morn though , I wasn't expecting anything after my tantrum the night before.

I read this on another thread and it is something he said, I can't get hung up on every little thing he does or does not do, it is supposed to be trying as it is to see each other only 2 days a week, so I have to be more understanding and patient, I know this training is draining and it is particularly hard on him.

[kasiopeia]

Hi Cat,
I am so glad your H got tested.I know that makes you feel better.It seemed to take alot of persuasion on your part,but you know what........he did it and he could of chose not to.
-Piecing is not an easy thing.Even after 6 yrs., i still have my moments where old feelings creep back.It is really hard to just keep my mouth shut.I still think it was the best thing for me and my family and it does get better.
-Oh and i completely agree,PMS is a BIG factor.My C even said she had to take some meds at that time,because she got so bad herself.It is not easy being us,is it.My H's sex drive changed after his A also,It was more!!! So imagine trying to feel you had to keep up w/that.I felt if i didn't give it to him more he would go back to OW,and alot of the time i didn't even want him touching me.It all sucks and you will feel darned if you do,-darned if you don't.You just take one day at a time.It does get easier and then things find a normal balance once again.Take care.K

[cat03]

thanks K! I need to give my self a reality check. I'm expecting the gamut of emotions that he had for me when we first dated, he couldnt' get enough of me, always called me sweet names, I was the center of his universe. So it must've been like that for a while w/the OP, the novelty of a new R, the newness, the craziness.
It is unrealistic that I expect that kind of attention right now, he cringes to think of how stupid he was with OP, those were not real feelings.

I just got "battlefield of the minds" I highly recommend it! the first pg I read dealt with how satan undermines us with little things, works slowly into our minds with small problems, after all, all masterplans have to be work up slowly. I have to work hard at not getting hung up on certain details and disecting every thing my H does and should take in account the progress we make.

[cat03]

Just journaling...

I think us, piecing folks, also have some "cycles". For a good while I stooped obsessing about where and what H did, I was fine w/that, now it is creaping up on me again. Not with the punch it had, but it is jabbing me here and there. My wounds are healing nicely, this little jabs poke at the wounds and it is still tender there, so I'm left sometimes w/a desire to have my H reassure me, but it ain't going to happen, since it'd involve dragging the whole "where you went for dinner/fun" w/her, and I dont' want to go there either.

I was reliving how on the vacation we took together before he came back he mention his T suggested we "date" each other to see if we still could reconnect. I actually panicked, I thought he wouldnt' like what he saw anymore and cut me off.
We never got a chance to "date", I dont' know exactly when Op broke it off w/him but he moved back a week and a half later.

I wonder, how much leverage had the break up on him coming back. He had hinted during the last months and during our vacation about a future together, about things we'd do. Maybe the pain was too much of being alone and still depressed and he wanted to have someone around after Op broke it off.

A few weeks after he came back he did say in counceling that he thought he'd feel better if he came back but he didn't. It made me feel bad, but also had to remember he was still depressed. His new job lifted him out I think, thank God for that. He said a while ago that while he doesn't have the same issues as before he has new ones. I might suggest perhaps we go see the C if he still has unresolved issues.

Anyways, just wanted to get this things off my head. I'm being cruel w/this guy right now who met me and got my email, he is trying to pick me up but told me he wants to be just friends, we only email. He keeps sayign how beautiful I am and this and that, of course i can see right through that. Part of me likes to read those things, part of me wants to tell him to knock it off, I know my H wouldnt' like it if he knew.

[HappierAndHealthier]

Cat
Haven't been able to get to the BB for awhile. and I am just about to copy off all your posts, which I will read later.

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers.

Blessings!

[cat03]

hey honey! how you been? hope you aren't working yourself to the bone, hope the cold cooties stay away from our households, I'm dreading this season because w/one kid in school we are bound to have sickies soon, bleah

Keeping you in my prayers as well))))))))))))) thanks for your prayers HH, I always need them

[kasiopeia]

hi Cat,
I am behind also, out of town.I will have to get the book,Battlefields of the minds.Sounds like a good one.Thanks for recommending it.I believe no matter how long your married it is always good to work on M.I used to think it was crazy when people said "you have to work at your marriage",i always thought my M was easy.Boy did i learn.My eyes were opened.If you get too comfy,things seem to go awry.
I read where someone was e-mailing you? Be careful,they sound lonely,and you are lonely yourself.My H tells me,if anyone hits on you "I want to know".I don't know if i would tell him though or not.That is a tough one.I think they worry sometimes that when they had affair it will send us running to do the same.I think we know that we are least likely to do that bacause we know what it feels like and we are so Anti-affair at that time.My hardest time was the first year after A.It was still so alive in my mind.After we survived a year ,you start believing that maybe it will work.Then later,it is hey this is working.God Bless you,K

[cat03]

thanks K, it's been 6mths since he's been back, barely 3mths after I learned of the A, so I guess stuff is still pretty fresh though thanks to God it doesn't kill me anymore, now and then there are some ambers I need to put out.

The guy from the emails knows I'm married, but I guess that doesnt' stop lots of people now a days, sometimes his emails are flattering and then others it just irks me, I would never meet him again (only met once the first time) so that isn't a problem, just when I'm blue that I like to hear from a man that I'm beautiful but he doesn't attract me in any other way (my H has the body of greek god )

The book is amazing!!!! deals with the tricks our minds play and how we can work at recognizing the traps that lead us to negative thinking. I told H if he liked we could read it together, we'll see if he likes it, he is very jaded now, which is sad, like nothing could change his mind that everyone is a liar and that you should always watch out for yourself.

[brandnewday]

Cat

For whatever reason you are keeping in touch with this guy I suggest you stop it, immediately.

You may think it is harmless, but you are playing with fire.

How would you feel if your Husband was being flattered by another woman via email?

How would you feel if he told you that it was nothing, just an ego boost because you don't make me feel the way she does.

Yep, you would be pissed and you would feel insecure.

You got what you wanted, your Husband is back home.

Don't blow it by being stupid.