Me 44 W 42 Married 20 years. 2 girls 11 and 16 Got the ILYBNILWY speach 09/05 Moved into MIL house 10/05 Filed for D 11/05 Found about B/F in Dec. SHe moved to Ga in April 06 The big D in Aug After looking at everyones posts And research this forum, I really beliece the XW is in a MLC. All signs point to it. I know now that has been pulling her strings from the git-go. HAve heard hes a control hound and Xw has been pursuaded into this. He got her a job where he works. They live in an isolated area in Ga. She has NO contact with any of her friends. and now SHe doesn't even call her Daughters. My question is.... What is she doing? What mother abandones her own kids? A couple months ago I agreed to let 11 yr old go down and visit her. SHe did nothing to show her a good time. made her stay in the house while they were at work and one night BF assulted her where XW did nothing to protect her. D demanded Mom to send her home the next day. @ days later. D was home. I filed a police report on the assut charge, and Xw only respond was how upset BF was that D did this. Phone calls have now compleatly stopped. The kids miss their Mom and I have run out of excuses for her.
A week ago I sent a link to her stating that our favorite driver in F1 was retiring. To my suprise. she responded with some positives, Also told me that her Aunt in Italy had a stroke and didn't think she was going to make it. Said her Mom was their and wasn't going to return till it was over. Thank me for the F1 report said Bye. I wrote back telling her how sorry I was and asked her how she was handleing it, told her that her Mom needs all the support that we can give her and Asked her for an address where I can send a card. She wrote me back thanking me for the support and telling me she was hit pretty hard by it, said she had no address but will try to get one for me, then she talked a little about racing and that was it. Nothing since.. I don't want to read into anything, but it seems now that the divorce is final. shes opening up to me a little.
These e-mails were all sent thru her work. I don't think Bf would let her communicate with me thru home computer.
Sorry for the rambling. Im trying so hard to let go. I see my kids hurting so much and I hurt along with them, Don't let them know though, Dad has to be strong.
I know this MLC takes a long time. Shes been in it, I think about a year. What signs should I be looking for to see if this is ending soon? I know Im hoping too much... I don't know What to do any more.
I am new to your sitch, so feel a little bit silly handing out gratuitous advice - but maybe this is just one of those circumstances you have to let play itself out.
Women do leave their children. Women who are generally in the middle of a terrible emotional crisis of their own and they don't think they are capable of 'looking after' their own children. I suspect it's more common than we think.
How did you separation/divorce agreement deal with custody? Isn't your wife obliged to take some responsibility and spend some time with her daughters.
Given the abuse in that house, it's not a road you really want to go down anyway I guess?
The e-mail worked out well, so why don't you stay in touch like that. Just e-mail from time to time. Fill her in on things going on with the girls, start building a dialogue and see where it goes ...
Good luck.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Thanks for a reply. My Divorce agreement states she has to contact me when she wants to see the kids. Since she lives in Ga and I in Ill. This is not happening. SHe has no desire to come up and see them and I will not let them go there. SHe does pay 1100 a month child support, But sometimes money is not enough. These girls need a mom in there lives. SHe is missing out on so much, The oldest went to her first Homecoming last weekend. SHe looked stunning in her dress. I was the only one there watching her walk with her date to his car as he opened the door for him. After they left, I had such a hurt in my heart, Her mother should have been there to see this. Thats one of thse moments that will never repeat itself.
I have been trying to write her every weekend giving her reports on the girls lives. How their doing in school, who their friends are, Little things that moms should be aware of. Sometimes I get a respond. Most of the time.....Nothing. The little one was having a bad time with this whole thing the other night she called Mom and left 4 messages. By the time she returned her call, I had already calmed her down, After the call it was like she pealed the scab away and the wound was reopened. Especally when she talked to her for only 5 min. Said she had go, more important things to do I guess. Which left me at square one with getting her calmed down again. It sucks! SHe has NO idea what she's putting these two through, and knowone can tell her the damage she's doing. But... I have to continue to do what I have always done. THese girls need to be reassured everyday that I love them and I will not let any harm come to them. I guess they will start to pull away from Mom, Especally since she shows No interest in their lives. Oh Well....Her loss I will continue with the e-mails. Even if she doesn't return them, In a way Im hoping, Maybe one of them will get through to her, and shes will realize the loss she's experienceing.
Well, things are going well with the e-mails. I write and tell her little things going on with the girls life and each time she replys she gets a little more chatty. I can't understand why since I was the biggest bastard a year ago when she wanted out of our marriage. Now that were D she is treating me with a little more respect. Should I continue with the e-mails? I think If I do. It'll make her think I'm Ok in what she's done. Ripping our family apart. On the other hand. I believe BF is keeping so isolated that shes enjoys the outside conversation. Who Knows! any sugestions?
I think you should keep the emails chatty. She probably sees you as happy and going on with life and not missing her. Sheis no doubt missing her family. You are a good example of how to just get on with your life when there is nothing to be done for your w.
I keep reading to keep the road home paved and smooth. How does one do that? I think I have some positives comming from these e-mails and I don't want to over extend myself, But I do want her to get an idea that things will be OK if she decides to come back. I know only she can decide it and there's nothing I can do but try to be her friend. Is that it. Just being her friend?
Keeping the road home paved and smoothed is a good idea but it is a very long road. So stop focussing on your w. You need to take care of you right now. You cannot do anything for her. She needs to figure this all out on her own. Treat her as a friend and she will be comfortable coming to you but I can't stress enough that this will take a lot of time and patience. The only way to survive this is to detach and work on yourself. No pressure, do not initiate anything with your w. Keep it light.
Yet another deceint e-mail from XW. Just light conversation. She asked me if I could send some pictures of the girls, I told her that they both dressed up to go to school dances and how stunning they looked. Question is should I send some? I mean she left them and wanted to start her new life. Didn't want anything to do with them. SHe still doesn't call them. I know she misses them and is in a great deal of confusion. But if I respect her request, Isn't it like cake eating?
Hi xrdtrider; I am "new" to this too (only 8 months) but from what I have read and heard from others, I would say send it. Some of the comments I get when I ask say "treat her as you would an aunt" or "friend". If they asked for a picture, you probably would send one. Besides sending the picture gives her a chance to remember what she is missing.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
Thanks Bookpusher. I got together some pictures from the whole summer of the kids. Plan on sending them this week. I won't send a note, just pictures. I just hope BF won't sabotach the mail. He has tremendous control over her.
I won't be sending any e-mails for a while. I'll wait for some type of responce. The last e-mail I got she said she thinks about the kids all the time. But she never calls them to find out how they are. I wonder why? But then, I wonder about alot of things that are going on. Thats MY problem. I know shes sick. and she's being controled. But WHy No contact with her kids? They wonder also what they've done? I have No answers for them any more. Its been a year since the BOMB, and Im still devistated!
