SNS, thanks for that. You seem to have a very dim outlook for those of us staying at home and DBing for our M's there. Sometimes I think it would be so much better if I weren't there. My W would have to deal with the real world and it might burst her little fantasy balloon. Then I think of my two children and decision is made, I stay!
Yes, being apart might make a difference but it might mean she just ends up resenting the hell out of me for putting her in that position, who knows. I think if one stays in the sitch without any other reason than to win back the S it would be extremely difficult especially when the S is having "sleep overs". To stay in order to maintain complete access to your kids is a major plus to being in the sitch. You also must find other outlets to create happiness for yourself cuz your S isn't going to do it for you ( and really it is noone elses job to make you happy anyway). Despite being in a difficult position I cannot say I am an unhappy person. I have grown in so many ways and learned many new skills etc and therefore do not draw my happiness from my R with my W. Could I be happier? Darn right! But I take what I can get, try to look at any good as a gift, and DB the best I can. If the old love drug wears off and my W gives me another look, I want to be a person she would be proud to be with and also a person I can feel proud to be. Until then I will be the best Dad I can be cuz that is far more important than whether I am "happy" or not. If the time comes where I can't be in this M as a healthy, caring person then I leave with my head high. Until then whatisis.
My apologies if you misunderstood... I'm not trying to paint a dim picture... just trying to stress how important it is for each and everyone of us to take care of ourselves. Sometimes people go into DBing thinking that it will bring their WAS home and back to the M. DBing is for the LBS and to prepare them for the new R with the return of their spouse or for a future R with someone new. It certainly changed my life... finding DB and everyone here was a wonderful experience for me.
SNS, no apology needed! I think we are in full agreement. Definately DB saved me and is probably the reason I am able to exist in this sitch. I GAL and have a far fuller life than I did before. It is too bad my W can't fully appreciate it because, of course, she is in full "we are not meant for each other" mode and will always see my glass as half empty right now no matter what. But who cares because everything I do must sink into that brain of hers on some level and one day just maybe it will make a dif. We'll see. If not then I can at least look at myself in the mirror and be proud for having put everything I had into doing the right thing. My kids will know that too. Thanks for your response!
THANK YOU! That is the info I was looking for in it's simplest form! I wanted to hear the other side, from a "cheater" and how they felt and what influenced their decisions. I totally understand (I have for a long while) about resentment vs choice. We ended up having an R talk last night and spouse said: "I tell myself every day that I should come back to you and re-commit but it doesn't feel like I can". Of course we all know what feelings are worth in this sitc. (I am not saying ignore feelings, I'm saying feelings change based on actions)
My take: If she tells herself that every day she doesn't have her mind made up. Opinions? God I'm tired. Why do these talks always start just before bedtime?
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
