Inlaw is promoting H's affair!

[ReDesigner]

I'm so mad I could just spit! Spit at my sister-in-law for attempting to show my daughter a photo of the OW. The OW is a friend of my sister-in-law. They live in the opposite coast from where we live. My daughter, who was visiting the other coast staying with our friends, smartly refused, but to make things worse, her cousin also started telling her all about the OW and that her father slept with the OW. I was livid! Apparently my H told his brother's family not to say anything to our daughter while she was visiting. Obviously that fell on deaf ears.

This sister-in-law has never been a friend of mine, although at one time, when we were newly-weds she hung out in the same social circle. She proved to be both a user and a maneater and could hardly wait to get her claws into my husband's brother. ( I don't know what possessed her to say to me after meeting his brother that she hadn't had sex in a year and she was dying to meet a man!) Anyway, she has proven in the past that she only acquaints herself with people who can "make her look good" - either people who have prestigous jobs or a lot of money. She collects names and business cards like others collect stamps. She and the OW have been friends for at least 20 years and I actually met the OW at one of her dinner parties years ago. Now, my spouse has said he just met her on a plane, which I know is a lie.

I'm furious at this sister-in-law who assumes that this relationship with her friend is OK. She almost appears to promoting it.

Should I call her and tell her to stop meddling in my family? She has displayed zero... no negative emotional intelligence. Both she and her kid have really hurt my 14-year old daughter, yet think nothing of it. Some mutual friends have speculated that she wants my husband and her friend to hook-up because it would be great to have them in the same family. Yet, her own marriage is on shakey ground, too.

Should I bother with this meddlesome idiot or should I warn her that she is totally out of line in trying to help destroy my marriage? I realise the blame must lie with my husband mostly, but he doesn't need help!

[Sandy_wants_to_try]

Tough situation! Truthfully, I think family matters already become so complicated with separations and DBing etc... We probably shouldn't do anything to make it worse. Guess that's why we're supposed to DB the family too, not just S.

If/when you get back, how much of a problem will you have? Or even, could this become just another obstacle to getting back together, later on in the future?

In the end, I guess the best to use the old "Will it help you get your goals or will it hinder your efforts" question.
Do you think you would be able to take the high road on this? Who cares about this woman? Just make sure your D is OK, and realizes that what her aunt says doesn't mean anything and get on with life.
It's a good example to give your D too... Don't get mixed up in the messes of emotionally stupid people.

[StrongNSassy]

While iniially you may feel a rush as you tell her off... it would be basically just like confronting the OW, in one ear and out the other and the next thing you hear your H will be calling you and screaming at you. It will be turned all around on YOU. You'll be made to look like the bad person, the evil one, etc... trust me if she cared even an inkling, she wouldn't have been bragging to your daughter and most certainly wouldn't be promoting their A. But most people only learn this after they have confronted... but just sharing with you just in case ;-)

I'm also not a fan of exposure of As and having family and friends get involved... often if there is even a chance of reconciliation possible, with everyone taking sides (and we know they ALL do) it leaves the person who had an A feeling even more guilt and afraid to come home, because what will everyone think. But some people need a good support network and get that from their family... your mileage may vary.

Your best bet is to truly act like a lady. This woman doesn't sound like a lady to me. Be thankful that you are thousands of miles away from her. Sad for your daughter to have been exposed to this. Uncalled for. Hopefully your H gave her an earful for speaking to your daughter about it. But at 14 your daughter is one smart cookie...

Personally I'd turn my head and not waste another moment on this woman, I'd be off getting a life and not giving her another thought. I know it hurts... I do... been there done that but you do know the saying "kill em with kindness?"

[ReDesigner]

Dear StrongNSassy,
Thank you for your groundedness. I've let this anger subside for a few days. There's nothing worse than feeling someone's harming your child and you're pretty defenseless to do anything! My mother bear came out and I just wanted to rip a strip off this stupid woman.

In the end, after visiting our pastor, he basically told me why waste money on a long distance phone call to her? She's not changed in all these years. She's still as insensitive and ridiculous as the first time she upset me.

With that and all the posts, I decided that I had made a wish before that she would get what was due to her. She did. She is married to my husband's brother and they've had marital discord now for the past 9 years themselves. I'm sure that this is probably appropriate punishment enough. I don't know if he ever cheated on her, but since it's "in the family" then, it wouldn't realy surprise me and she'd have a first hand opportunity to learn what it feels like.

Thank you for your guidance.

I'm moving my D into our new apartment this week. I haven't told my H anything more than I want our D to be closer to her new school. He hasn't heard my sorry reason -- that his adultery stabs me in the heart every time he leaves the house to call the OW or walks outside on the deck to whisper in secret. I just can't continue to expose myself to the abuse. He did it again yesterday, but this time, I have to admit, I blew it. I screamed at him - was he talking to that s--t again! He then got off the phone to tell me I didn't have to be so rude. I told him I didn't know any other term for a woman like her and what she was doing with a married man. That's usually what they're called. He calmly added that he was having a private conversation. I shot back that if it was a decent conversation, he would be on the phone in the same room as I. Since he walked out on the deck, if he couldn't talk in front of me, it was cheating. Simple as that! He didn't reply.

I don't think that was exactly DB, but the truth. He couldn't stand to hear the truth, so he left... at least that was how I interpreted it. He seems to continue thinking he can do what he likes, when he likes totally disregarding my feelings and my dignity. I guess, I'd just had it. He wants the best of both worlds and that's why I'm so glad to be moving out of his sick one and on my own.

I don't know that time-apart is a DB tactic, but it's happening for my sanity, anyway.

[ReDesigner]

Good point you make! DB the whole family circle! Is it possible, though??

My D was shocked when it happened. She seems to be recovering now. In fact, I think her time with my good friend over there was worth the trip alone. Even though she had to endure the indiocy of her real family, now she knows they're not people she would choose as friends, if she had a choice. My friend who hosted her gave my D a different, neutral perspective and finally encouraged her to see things more balanced than feeling only sorry for her father and less for her mother.

As for the stupid sister-in-law... she just proved my first impressions of her remain unchanged. She still practices the same manipulatitve ways, so she hasn't changed at all. She is getting her comeuppance because her husband, my bro-in-law has been less than the ideal man she thought. She's the main breadwinner and she doesn't like it because he's clinging on, presumably he says for the children. He knows who his meal ticket is and he's not about to give it up.

Does acting to tell her off get me closer to my goal... the answer is - it has no relevance. She's an idiot and that's her fate. She's alienated my D and it doesn't appear it's any great loss.

Thank you for guiding me on the right way to thinking!

[StrongNSassy]

Honey, you can DB anyone, even a stranger on the street ;-)

DB is a way of life and those of us over in surviving will tell you while we may not have saved our marriages (well some did) we certainly did save ourselves and that's why we really are here, to try and regain some of the sanity that we lost during the As.

So what is your goal this week? For you? What will you take on that will make you a happy person?

[ReDesigner]

My goal is one day at a time, then on to longer and better times. A week, then a month, then the next year while the separation is legalized. This week, though, it's getting a whiff of freedom from an emotional rollercoaster, from emotional abuse, from walking on eggshells.

Aside from that break-out... I have a much larger project that I want to change into a business and a social engineering program. I'm living in a country that doesn't have much in marriage education. In fact, there is a rather primitive approach to relationship difficulties. I've looked around the Net trying to find marriage and relationship seminars, conferences or workshops. I've been highly disappointed. So I want to launch an educational seminar business to coincide with National Marriage Week, during the Valentine's week in the US and the UK. The project is being written up as a business plan that I'll finish by the end of September. I've already got presenters lined-up for the first conference and working on finding one more. Everything surrounding the project has been met with a lot of enthusiasm - probably because no one has heard of it before! So, whether or not I can save my own marriage, it won't matter because I intend to help as many other families in crisis who want help. The plan is also to provide relationship counselling in schools, so that all those kids from single parent families will have the skills or knowledge they can't get from their own families. That would make me happy, feeling useful, being an advocate of self-knowledge, personal development and learning to be a better person, partner and parent. I would rather bring in some expert help to encourage people to get the education they may never have received.

Happy... it will come from the inside out. I'm looking forward to being surrounded by happy!