My Story - Looking for help and support

[SRTogacihC]

Me 37 - W 31 - S 3
We have been married for 6 years.

I think we have a lot of positives in our marriage but obviously I am here and we took a big turn for the worse. Definitely have had some communication problems. Typical stuff from what I have read. W was unhappy about a lot of things, complained a lot and I probably withdrew more and made it worse. Really changed when our S was born and W quit her job to be a stay at home mom. She felt I did not do my fair share and I think she got bored and missed the adult contact from her job. Eventually she came upon a new circle of friends and she found some things she was missing in her life...she never really had a lot of freedom in her life and had not really had any time on her own. So going out and partying was new and exciting for her and she loved it...I am at a different stage as I had my fill of that stuff and it does not do much for me anymore. Frankly I was happy that she had some new GFs and she was happy about getting some social time on her own...she really did not want me involved with that very often and I usually had to watch my son during that time anyway.

Well this is where it went downhill. She started going out much more often with her girlfriends and eventually found the OM. She had ~1 month relationship before he broke it off to go back to his GF. She continued to pursue and eventually OM left his GF to be with my W. I had immediately noticed the changes and had suspected something was wrong...and probably had a terrible reaction of smothering her and trying to make other changes to win her back. I did not have proof of the OM until last week when I intercepted some email communications the day after I had told her of my fears that she was in another relationship. The emails I intercepted really crushed me because there were a ton of negatives about me and I felt very used and betrayed. The circle of bold face lies and betrayals to try to rescue the A really hurt me. It seems to me she was going to be a WAW sooner or later but was just biding her time because we are pretty well off financially and she has other things on her plate that she would lose if she walked away now (school, my family support, etc...)

Well now that the affair was exposed my first reaction was to demand a divorce and that I wanted her out (not that I really want that)...I do love her dearly. I forced her to end the affair and I believe she has for now. I don't think the OM meant much to her accept it made her feel good and alive...the OM is kind of a loser and is younger than her but I think she loved the feeling of new love and having someone fill her emotional needs. Made her feel young and beautiful. She says she never wanted to be with him longterm or anything but enjoyed his company and his personality. I am not sure I was right to end the A like I did? I feel like I probably have forced her in a corner.

Well in the past week I have been very pathetic...begging...pleading...crying...smothering... following...jealous...pushing...you know all of the above. There is definitely a new barrier between us. She is still at home and says she just wants us to act like normal as if nothing happenned so we can get on with our lives. This is nearly impossible for me right now. Though I did a lot of thinking last night and after reading on here I am done with my self pity and will start working on myself and give her some space.

She does seem to want to work on the marriage and does show some affection. I think she does have some signs of a WAW she has told me she loves me but is not in love with me, she is still very angry for the past few years and lack of emotional support, she was very angry about me finding out about the A and the methods I used to expose it (stealing passwords, looking through temp files, scouring cellular records, final straw finding panties with male semen), she is angry that I forced the A to end but on the other hand I think she kind of agrees it has to if we are going to reconcile. She says what she really wants is to be out on her own and to live her own life. This is harder to do than to say with a 3 year old son and she has no job and is just about a year through college to become a nurse.

It is very hard to get her to talk about anything so I have made the conscious decision to now back off. She has agreed to marriage counseling...we start next week. She says she will talk during the counseling.

I guess I am better off than most stories I have read on here as she seems willing to work on things. But still seems like a big uphill battle. It is still hard for me because I have been pretty successful in everything I have done in life (except marriage...this is my 2nd and the first ended very similarly)...so I want to jump right in and force issues and start working on things.

I love her dearly and feel so bad that I have let the marriage get to this unhappy state. I just ordered DB and am looking forward to reading it and learning.

Some things I am having a hard time dealing with is that as long as I keep things light she seems pretty happy and receptive and loving but to me it still seems like an act by her and I do not trust her. I feel if we did not have our S and she was in more of a position to move out she would be gone. Since these things are forcing her to stay I am at least hoping I can use this time to try and work on us/me.

So that is my plan right now is to back off...start reading like a madman. I want her back...I do not want to live in a loveless marriage...I want to feel loved again...I have hated my life these last six months when I felt she had basically given up on me and really shut me out.

Do you think I have any hope? What should be my next step? Any suggestions would be very welcome.

[SRTogacihC]

Some more info...I think I am a good father and a pretty good husband (though definitely need to improve more). I am generally very happy about our life and feel we had a bright future to look forward to. W definitely has some self esteem issues...grew up in a very religious stifling household and become very accustomed to lying to get what she wanted and is very good and hiding things. This is both our 2nd marriage and this is a repeat for both of us...she left her first husband (who was also very successful and is now in a stable marriage) because she was having an A. My first W left me once she finished all of her schooling and I have no doubt she had multiple affairs. The first Dv was not very hard as we had no kids, were both well off financially, the first W was a handful - depression, bipolar...frankly was glad to see her walk out even though I would have never ended it myself.

This will be much more difficult because I truly love and like my W...she is my best friend in the world. My family loves her. She is very fun and charismatic. A very beautiful person. We have a wonderful son. I really want to make this work and am really looking forward to marriage counseling and I am hoping the counselor recommends individual counseling for her or both of us for that matter to deal with some of our personal issues.

I just hope she lets down the barriers that she has constructed and gives me a second chance to make things right. I really can feel she is very angry and resentful of me and I am praying she has not totally given up. It is just really tearing me up as I never wanted to be in this situation again.

[SRTogacihC]

Yesterday I think we had a pretty good evening. We sat on the front lawn and played with my son...laughed a little...talked about non-serious issues.

But...I could see she was very depressed. She had him on her mind. I just hope she has the strength to break free. I really think she is trying. She has included me in all of her upcoming social events...I do believe she wants our marriage to continue.

Last night after she went to bed I deleted all digital pictures of him I could find on our computer. They were in the same group of friends for awhile and she takes a lot of pics so I never found it unusual she had all the pics...as she has a lot of pics of all her friends. I do not know if this was the right thing to do but I had noticed she had opened one or two of his pics that day and I was feeling a bit jealous and hurt so I just started deleting. He has to be out of our life if our marriage is ever to recover. Should I have just allowed the A to continue and let it die a natural death? Maybe just worked on myself in the mean time and hoped she came back on her own? I don't know how the heck I would have dealt with that scenario...

What is the best way for me to help her deal with the withdrawal that she is feeling? I did a good job at keeping the mood light yesterday and I am just trying to be positive and patient. Anything else I can do?

This is such a struggle...I pray we can come out of this with a stronger marriage in the end.

[wedge]

Hello and welcome. First thing's first, sorry you have to be on this board.

I'm not much of the advice giver like the bright people in this board. Read that book that you ordered and understand it, it would make dealing with your current situation a little easier. Easier in a way that you'll get past some of the things that a betrayed spouse will always overlook in trying to save/salvage the marriage or relationship.

I'm on the verge of maybe succeeding in fixing what I broke (I had part in it), my W was the one who hit it with a hammer. One thing I had to do that was the hardest is stopping snooping. I still have the software in all our computers but I have not looked at it since I started DBing. I don't know if I ever will, I will probably just let it sit in the background and have my normal daily use of the computers purge it out of the buffer. *sigh*

Good luck and keep posting, it helps to vent out what's eating you inside.

[SRTogacihC]

I can't wait to get the book...I need something to help guide me. Right now I am doing what comes natural which in a lot of cases is probably the opposite of what I should be doing. Reading these forums has helped a lot and at least I am no longer in the smothering stage.

I do feel she is very angry with me for the snooping and forcing the end of the A...it was just hard for me to act any other way once I sensed something was going on...

I do know I need to stop trying to be the PI...if she wants the A to continue she will find a way...and I need to accept that and just let her make her own choices. It is just so hard to let go and leave things to chance. I want to be "Mr Fix It"...just my natural instinct.

This is why I am looking for advice...I want her back...but I don't want her to feel I forced her back...I want her to want to come back and reopen her heart to me.

Well the book is on the way and I will devour that quickly...and we start MC next week which hopefully will be positive.

I do acknowledge that 50% of the mess I find my marriage in is my fault. Like you said she just hammered in the last nail. I realize the main thing I need to do is focus on me.

[SRTogacihC]

Well we went out tonight with another couple. It was fun and everything was kept pretty lite...did not smother her much and we had some laughs. Still having a very hard time not constantly thinking about the future of our marriage.

I wish I knew what was on her mind. She is not willing to share any of her feelings or thoughts...I do not push the subject and am trying to keep everything simple and non confrontational. I know she is still very angry that I caught her and the measures I took to expose her. She is angry that now she is going to be seen as the bad guy when I am probably the one with a lot of the problems that got us to this point. When we go to MC I really do not want to focus on the A and I plan on accepting much of the blame to validate her. It is the truth anyway...I really do want to work on lifestyle changes that will allow us to have a better marriage.

At this point I do not care about the affair as long as it is over. I just think of it as an indication that something was dramatically wrong with our relationship. I just want her back...and am praying she is willing to really work on fixing what is broke. I want to be a better husband...but I also expect more from her...honesty...communication...respect. I know I am far from perfect.

Tomorrow night we are going on a date alone...I am worried I will not be able to be strong. It will hard not to beg and plead and smother...but I know I must be strong...noone wants to be with someone who looks pathetic. We were going to go to our favorite resturaunt but I am not sure...haven't felt much like eating lately...I would rather go see some live music somewhere and get something light to eat...wish me luck...

[SRTogacihC]

We spent all day together and I hope we are in a better place. It started out rocky and looked like it took a turn for the worse but we talked for a few hours and I think we came to an understanding. Maybe I caved on too much stuff but I felt that was the only way she was going to give me a chance and I think giving her some power...some hope that she could continue to have fun and be with her friends made her happy. I found out the entire story and that it was only physical once though she was certainly in the middle of an EA (and still may be)...I think I am willing to work with the EA and can deal with that a little better. At least she feels happy with me right now and says she is happy and wants me to be in her circle of friends. She says she just wants to remain friends with the OM...and understands it cannot be more than that. She stated she definitely still wants to be married to me and never wanted to leave me...which is a good thing. Just was pissed I backed her into a corner and started making demands and putting restrictions on her. Some part of me still feels like I want to do that but I feel that approach was really pushing her away and was going to make it very difficult to continue our lives together. I am hoping this approach will be better and will give us the opportunity to work with one another and see if we can't make our relationship better. We are still going to do MC. I just want the best opportunity to succeed in that and show her that I am flexible and give her some respect.

Now the question is do I go back hardcore into PI mode and make sure she is telling me the truth or do I just roll with it awhile and hope MC and reading DB helps. Just take what she is saying for the truth? I do definitely still have some trust issues. One part of me feels like I want to go into PI and verify she is being honest with me another part of me does not want more surprises/revalations and just wants her to remain calm and we can work on us even if she is not being honest about everything.

[willmakeithru]

hey SRT, rather new here as well and if you're looking for a place to vent and get some great and wise advice this is the place. as soon as you get the book and Michelle has other good ones too, get reading. really helps you see things in a different perspective. as for the PI thing, as hard as it is to do, especially when a trust like that has been broken, really need to ease up and hold back. start little by little and it will get easier. sounds like she is remorseful for what has happened, and the fact she said she wants to remain married to you is a good sign! definitely do not push her in a corner or she'll turn and run. even though you might not want to, give her the space she needs to think things out and reflect. remember you'll have your good days and your bad. hope some of this helps. keep reading and posting. take one day at a time.

[SRTogacihC]

Well we had a good sunday. I feel like we are starting to make some progress or at least getting to an emotional point where we can make progress. Sunday her friends and the OM told her they are still flipped out and they think I am going to attack them or something. They are kind of avoiding her and gossiping and not being very true to her. We spent Sunday with her GF and it all seemed easy and relaxing but after we left she found out her GF went gossiping to everyone. This kind of pissed her off and she came to me and told me how much she appreciates how I have acted the past few days and that she really loves that I am giving her a second chance and trusting her. Was nice to hear this and I feel like validating and trusting is really helping me make progress.

The thing is I am not really mad or feel vengeance for the OM or her friends. I know my wife is attractive and very charismatic...I expect other men to hit on her...I expect her to be the person who draws the line...she is the one I need to rely on and trust...any anger I have over the situation is mostly directed at her with a little left over for myself for letting our marriage get into such a poor state.

I realize we still have a lot of work to do on us but at least we are getting in a state where we can do some positive work. I am starting to feel a little better and not dwelling on the negative so much.

Still very difficult at times because I am still hurting and do feel betrayed but I realize if we are ever to have anything I need to forgive and get past things. The OM is still a problem for me even though she seems quite content and assurred they can just be friends again. They were friends for awhile and it had only recently blossomed into romance but it still worries me. I guess I am banking on the fact that the OM is young and who knows what he is really after...if he sees she just wants to be friends and that is the most he will ever get I suspect he not give her as much attention and will move on from the situation to work on his next conquest. I do think most men who have women as friends are mainly after one thing and if he can't get that he may not be such a good friend to her anymore. Oh well...one day at a time.

Talked to her this morning and she said she is cooking me a special dinner tonight...this is nice to hear and I appreciate it...she has not done that for awhile and I take it as a good sign.

Thanks for reading my little blog...gives me somewhere to vent...and think about things.

[whatisis]

Sorry this has happened to you. But you've come to the right place. I can certainly understand your anxiety re the OM. Why does your W want to maintain contact? After putting you through hell does she really see this as a caring thing to do to you? Does she not see the never ending anxiety this "friendship" brings? I sometimes think about what I would do if my W decided to work on our M (that's my dream!) and decided to keep contact with the OP. Somehow it just doesn't seem respectful or really committing to work on the M. It seems like keeping the reserves on hand, just in case. I certainly could be wrong, it's happened before! What do others here think? You might want to check Wedge's thread as he has been dealing with this same issue.