My wife had a affair with her best friend another woman 5 years ago and it was very intense love affair with sex and xxx rated love emails and my wife told me she was now a lesbian and needed a woman......fast forward a year later after debasing myself and working to keep my wife.....I won;t even say what i did to keep her but needless to say it was bad for me...she dumped ow and decided to stay. During her affair she became a man hater and her childhood sexual abuse came out....it was the connection they both had.....wife stayed for three years wjile we worked on us.....it totally destroyed my self esteem because her affair was with another woman......it is so different than a "standard" affair...I know cause mu first wife cheated on me with a man and it wasn't nearly as damaging. Wife dumped me again in early 2005, I wooed her back cause i still loved her.....fast forward, things were going great until a month ago when I got the I am not in love with you speech and please don;t try anymore.....it was really over this time......I was destroyed in the ashes.......so I have a ton of experience in this type of affair......I am here to help anyone dealing with this as I don;t think it will ever work after a same sex affair esp if your wife was sexually abused.........I will answer any questions you guys have if you are dealing with a wife having a lesbian affair.....cause i have been to hell and back Export
I'm sorry to see you here. Like all of us, you're dealing with a terrible situation and would like for the heartache to end.
I'd really like for you to start a new thread. You've got tons to tell a few of us on this board who are dealing with the "niche" situation. Since you're a little further down the road then we are there is a lot you could tell us.
Although, my W's lesbian behavior is about two years old, I'm done. I can't belive I allowed my self to deal with this as long as I have. Recently she's done something that I can never forgive. It's illustrated her extreme lack of character and selfishness to a degree that I know now, I don't need or want someone like this in my life. I know I deserve better then this.
However, I would still like to hear about the details of your situation. I'll be looking for your thread.
I don't think I can help you too much because it's not my sitch as you know. I do hope that this might help:
Last week on Oprah she had a 1 hr. show on your sitch. She had about 3 couples where they did the same as your wife. She also had a shrink on with them. I didn't watch b/c it didn't pertain to me.
But what about going on Oprah.com and see if she has it on her site still or contact the show and see if you can purchase a copy of the tape.
I'm not gay, but it seems that your w needs that closeness. I hate to say it, but if my H left for another man; I think that I would move on. I'm not anti-gay, but your sitch is a hard one. I don't mean any hard feelings to anyone...but is hard to believe that she denies being gay. I am so sorry...really I am...but to think of ML to another woman is so distasteful, there is no way, no matter how bad my marriage was...it wouldn't send me into the arms of a woman. Could it be that she's bi-sexual?
Again, I do apologize if anyone is offended by what I feel. I just wanted to let you know that I didn't forget about you, Whatisis.
I just don't know how the mental mechanics run in non- heterosexual R. I've got to get back to Osu, whatisis, join us when you can!!!
Thanks for your input, number lady! I'm pretty baffled by it all too. My W had a very emotionally deprived childhood and was the parent to her whole family for a long, long time. A family which suffered from physical abuse (not sexual) and infidelity. My W was an adult way before her time. When she began to become overwhelmed by all she had taken on in life during our M the OW became her surrogate Mom, nurturing her beyond anything reasonable. I was working my ass off to listen and pick up all the day to day tasks to help out. I was pretty wiped out too. I couldn't give her the deep emotional stuff she wanted (I don't think I really could of anyway, it was way too much) and the OW made it her calling in life to nursemaid my W's every desire (oops, bad choice of words). So, I think the A is really a very deep EA between two very needy individuals, one a chronic caregiver and the other a deeply emotionally needy person. The sexuality thing I don't think is that important. They spend practically no time alone together in places where they can "get it on" and when I told my W that the thought of them "together" made me ill, she looked at me in shock and said "We don't do that". So basically, who the hell knows what's going on. My W refuses counselling, which my T sees as a major worry, she won't deal with her depression and is a master at shutting out anything that might touch her emotionally about what she is doing. She just puts her head down and bulls straight ahead. It may well be that there is nothing I can do here but even on those darkest days I can't walk away. I won't put my kids through that kind of hell unless I just can't do it anymore. I also know that there were many things not right in our M, and I share that blame , but, as I told my W, I am 100% ready to make them right. I just need a willing partner. I took our M for granted believing in the "M is forever" thing and not responding to some of the issues she brought up. For example, the need to go out together regularly, to lose weight, to be romantic. To my credit many things she did complain about I did work on and the romance was one of them. But, by the time I decided she was right and got my ass in gear she had already closed the door (just forgot to mention it to me). She actually told me to stop because "It's just not you". She wanted better communication but refused to work on it with me "if you need me to help you than you just can't do it" No grey areas with this lady. Anything that required work together was just not worth doing because everything should be "spontaneous" and "natural" (her words) Anyway, thanks again number lady, just thinking of me is more than enough.
Hey, JM. I was thinking about you yesterday, wondering how you were doing. I Hope you're health problems are in check and you've got some good news for us all. Thanks for checking in on me. I'm still plugging away (learned the Waltz this week) I just keep on trying to keep on trying!
Sorry, but I couldn't answer you on Osu's thread; it's locked up again. Anyway, the different strategy is b/c of his alcoholism. If you go to his thread #III, start from page 1 and scroll down through the end. He's not getting it b/c he can't. The alcohol...he really needs to be in rehab. If you read his whole thread, we all keep repeating the same thing. Over and over...he's not trying to help himself...he needs professional help. He bounces all over the place...now he wants new cologne...please. He is the cause of the M going south probably 95%. She probably sees OM b/c of his alcoholic ways...he doesn't listen to us anymore than he does his W. Sorry to use your thread, but I wanted to answer your questions.
Thanks for getting back to me on that, number lady. I figured as much. It is true, unless alcohlol is taken care of there is no R. Gosh, I think his W needs to take a hard look at her drinking habits too. I hope once OSU feels some success in getting off the booze that there will be no stopping him! W or no W, he will be a happier, healthier man and Dad.
Hi number lady, I'm just not much into posting. I'm starting to feel kind of hopeless right now. W and I are basically two roommates now. I'm done being the servant boy and chasing her around to get crapped on. I'm living my life and she can live hers. If that ends the M, so be it. I can only do so much. I've decided to take this tact and see where it goes. Being loving and caring has got me squat, so distancing has to be less draining! She's busy working herself to death and dragging her sorry ass around the house and I'm doing sh!t about it. I just jump in when she gets too cranky with the kids. If she feels criticised, well tough! I know I sound pretty down here but, honestly, I'm OK with this path for now. Enough is enough. Thanks for looking in on me.
