Thanks Helinka, everything you've said is right! I've heard everything you mentioned. Yes, sometimes I think "Wow, you've not only turned her off M, you've turned her off men!" I know I'm really down when I start to hear that one in my head. STOP! I've said before, the WAS mentality would be so fascinating to study if it wasn't so damn hurtful! My W says the same thing as your SO, "I'm staying only for the kids". So Helinka I guess we just count ourselves among the lucky ones and keep on DBing till we drop. Our S's are still here. A woman friend of mine, who knows the sitch, looked at some recent family photos I showed her and remarked "My God, what is this woman thinking!" That about says it all.
I gotta say though, it isnt about hurt pride. My pride in me and my kids has never been better. Yesterday, the Bank teller, some years my junior, flirted hard with me. Yeah my pride is intact, I have a job, kids, friends, family and goals,,, not to mention a life.
Yes, I remember the first time that happened to me (getting hit on) post A. A buddy and I were at a ballgame and a woman moved over to sit beside me. Through the game she kept making converstion, had no interest in my buddy. She left for a few minutes and I turned to my friend and said "What is this all about?" He looked at me stunned and replied "You've got to be kidding me!" That's when I knew what was happening. It had been so long since I even took notice of such things! Felt damn good though. So, yes, there are woman out there that want us! Poor fools that they are
Yes,
I have a story. It's a Bible story. Actually there's 2.
There was a man named Hosea. God actually told him to marry a whore (prostitute).
He did what God told him, and they had children together. Of course, over time, she left him for other MEN. Not just one man, but MANY. However, faithful Hosea prayed for her constantly. The Bible says that God used Hosea and his wife as a sign unto the people of Israel at that time. The Lord used his relationship to symbolize God's relationship with the people of Israel. The people forsook God to serve other gods. Many gods. Idols, graven images, and even devils! It was spiritual adultery.
As time went on, Gomer (Hosea's wife) was still out and about doing her thing with other men. But look at what God says to Hosea...
"5 For their mother hath played the harlot: she that conceived them hath done shamefully: for she said, I will go after my lovers, that give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, mine oil and my drink.
6 Therefore, behold, I will hedge up thy way with thorns, and make a wall, that she shall not find her paths.
7 And she shall follow after her lovers, but she shall not overtake them; and she shall seek them, but shall not find them: then shall she say, I will go and return to my first husband; for then was it better with me than now." - Hosea 2:5-7
God actually fought AGAINST Gomer! He brought her so low that she actually decided to leave her current husband for her first husband, Hosea! Notice she said, I will return unto my FIRST husband.
And during all of this time, faithful Hosea just kept busy raising the kids, praying for his wife, and preaching to the people of Israel. Once God had humbled Gomer to the point of return, look at what he told Hosea:
"1 Then said the LORD unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the LORD toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine.
2 So I bought her to me for fifteen pieces of silver, and for an homer of barley, and an half homer of barley:
3 And I said unto her, Thou shalt abide for me many days; thou shalt not play the harlot, and thou shalt not be for another man: so will I also be for thee." - Hosea 3:1-3
Hosea, bought her back! After all that she had done to him, he remained faithful (for who knows how long), and stayed single all that time, and he still took her back when God brought her to her senses.
Another story I have is also from the Bible.
God called himself the husband of the nation of Israel. He was faithful, loving, and cared for that nation like a loving husband cared for his wife. God gave rain, harvest, and plenty of lush vegatation for the people, providing very well for his nation that he loved. Yet, the nation of Israel became unfaithful to God. They forsook him and began to whore themselves out to other gods, even devils! They worshipped stone images and idols that cannot speak or do anything! God was extremely furious and jealous. But look at what he says:
"1 They say, If a man put away his wife, and she go from him, and become another man's, shall he return unto her again? shall not that land be greatly polluted? but thou hast played the harlot with many lovers; yet return again to me, saith the LORD." - Jeremiah 3:1
The story does not end there. God actually left heaven, put on human flesh, received the name Jesus Christ, and carried a cross willingly for his beloved bride and allowed himself to be crucified for her. Though she beat him, spat on him, and nailed him to a cross, his love for his people was so great that he did it willingly. 3 days later, he rose from the dead. Ever since, the people he died for and loved so much have turned their whole hearts to him (though not all). Reading the first couple chapters of the book of Acts, you can see that within a matter of 1 day, 5 thousand people turned to the Lord!
Patience and persistance pays off. And never forget to do good to those who hate you. Never repay evil for evil. Be not overcome with evil, but overcome evil with good.
Well Brian, I'll let God decide whether my W's actions are evil or not, I've got my hands full just trying to save our M. I think somewhere in the bible marriage saving would be seen as OK. I did like your point about persistence, hopefully it pays off for all of us. But if not, we will all be better people for trying.
Its been awhile since I posted, but I do check back every now and again. This thread is relevent to my sit, so I thought I'd share. Here is my situation:
M45
W40
M13yrs
Sep Since 10/05
D11,S6,D4
Bomb dropped many times. W moved out 01/06.
Currently have a 50/50 agreement for child custody, Divorce filed, should be done by 01/07.
We'd been having tremendous problems for years. Financial problems, infidelity, violence, you name it. I felt like I was trapped in a Jerry Springer show.
W got involved w/OW I guess last October, and they became emotionally bonded right away. They even sent my D11 a bday card signed "Love, W & OW" That was in Jan 06!
It's been 9 months since she moved. I'm in a much better place. The screaming and arguements have stopped. She's filed for full custody, possession of the home, lifetime alimony. It's all pie in the sky, but the thousands I'll be handing over to my atty, wont be. The kids seem to have adjusted well, and have noticed that both of us are much happier apart. I've been doing the dating thing and realized that I'm nowhere near being able to commit to anyone. I've had lots of good offers, but I know I'd be doing someone a disservice by trying to do the one on one thing.
Thanks for dropping by. Sorry for your sitch. Sometimes though, it may actually be better to be apart. It doesn't mean you can't DB you just have to do it differently (if you choose to do it at all). How did your W latch on to other woman? Were you shocked? Do you think its different than dealing with OM? You mentioned the sudden intense emotional bond that seemed to develop and that seems to be a theme a couple of us guys noticed in our sitch's. I often felt at a disadvantage not being able to communicate on that level and feeling I probably never could. Maybe it's all in my head, who knows. Again, thanks for your thoughts.
My W was looking to be "saved." Her credit was in a shambles and creditors were calling her daily. Her health was bad, and I was offering no support. She was depressed and borderline manic. She had spent the last several years on weight loss meds. Med's that she was only supposed to use for a month or so. I believe they made her crazy. She was suffering from intense mood swings, depression and host of other personality problems. I'd spent thousands on plastic surgery for her and the newness of being suddenly very attractive sent her off the deep end. Those factors, an inability to be responsible and utter selfishness, led her (I believe) to believe that she had no choices left.
Were you shocked?
About her lesbianism? or her leaving? Sure I was shocked. But only because I was facing the dissolution of my dreams for a happy home/marriage/etc..
Do you think its different than dealing with OM?
Yes and no. I believe lesbians will work harder at relationships then men will. I could be stepping on some toes here, but they aren’t exactly working with all the parts (if you know what I mean), so the establishment of a more mental relationship is critical. If we (as men) understood this a little more, our relationships with women would be a little more solid.
You mentioned the sudden intense emotional bond that seemed to develop and that seems to be a theme a couple of us guys noticed in our sitch's. I often felt at a disadvantage not being able to communicate on that level and feeling I probably never could. Maybe it's all in my head, who knows.
Maybe that’s true. Think about all the times you had sex w/your W, finished and went too sleep. Do you think lesbians do that?
As for communication, I believe its possible. We have to learn to trust, give unconditional love, and be vulnerable. And isn't that what most people want?
I have absolutely no idea where one would go with that! That's what they do to your head, isn't it. After a bit you feel like you're living in some kind of bizarre other world. They sure are. Wow!
