Sorry if I do this wrong, I don't have these threads etc figured out yet. Situation=9years together, 7yo D, partner dropped bomb in April. I have been very clear about my goal to stay together and put things back together and repair things that caused problem, so much as I am able. First partner was going to move out. Then decided couldn't live apart from daughter. Still seeing OW and HER CHILDREN!!! Sleeps over one or two nights a week. KILLS me but I try to get busy etc. Last revelation: "My therapist says I'm too confused to move out". Unfortunately not too confused to keep sleeping away from home. I reiterate willingness to work. No change on her part. REAL question: I have access to her email and read it. (don't act like you've never done it) What are the long term pros and cons of this? It really hurts me sometimes but other times I learn things which work to my advantage. Opinions/ experiences?
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
Sorry you're here. As to your question about reading your partner's email, it is frowned upon. The reason this is the case is because it directs all of your attention to the affair, which is NOT the problem in the relationship, but the sole responsibility of the person in the affair.
Finding out about the affair is a traumatic event, and it continues to be so until you decide to take action on your own behalf to stop this. Snooping feeds into the pain, and it causes your moods to be based on your reactions rather than your actions. It puts you in the passenger seat in your own life. To heal, you need to be your own driver, recognizing that while the affair is ongoing the relationship you have with your partner is being taken for a ride that you have no control over.
Sure, you could read about fights your partner is having with her affair partner, and this might help you find hope that the relationship is crumbling. The fact is that for every down that you use to give you an up, there will be many ups that you will inevitably utilize to put you and keep you down.
You have no control over the outcome of your relationship (other than a destructive influence), so take this opportunity to work on what you DO have control over, and that's yourself. Force your attention elsewhere, onto productive elements in your life. The worst thing that could happen is you improve yourself and the relationship is terminated. The alternative is that you use this affair as fodder to self destruct while the relationship does as well.
My $0.02
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Thanks for your perspective. I am in a low spot. Six months of this is really grinding me down. I know to work on me and I have and continue to do so but you know, sometimes there is just no positive/optimistic energy left. Monday night she left while I was reading to our daughter and left a note "be back later" because I had told her NOT to come in during bedtime ritual and tell me she was "going out for a while" as it upsets me in front of our daughter. I thought that was gutless but I think we've reached a new low for bad behavior. Tonight she knew I was crying so she came outside, just looked at me, went back into the house and next thing I hear is her car starting. But Ms Manners left a note "be back in early AM". She returns before daughter gets out of bed. She actually wants to tell daughter that she is having "sleepovers" but I won't let her.
And speaking of low spots, daughter just got up and "can't sleep" Hope I can stop crying long enough to get her taken care of. god this sucks
Patience is not only a virtue, sometimes it is an impossibility.
