More mind reading, but I'm pretty sure I am dead on.
Today, the children and I went to church, then back to my place to make lunches. We went to the zoo and the the local themed Fairytale park. My W called me to see if I would bring her a sandwich while she was working (it was on the way). I did that and then left to the zoo and park. My W called again and asked if I would stop at the office and bring her her work to her house when I dropped off the kids. I said I wasn't sure, but stopped off anyway, only to be told that she didn't make it to her Candlelight party b/c she said she and our son are getting sick and she is just going to go to bed when the children go down for the night. I told her our son's nose is running b/c he is teething, he is NOT sick. She tells me that she didn't need for me to got the office to get her work stuff. She didn't even make a phone call to me ahead of time to NOT waste my time, effort, and energy. No respect.
She asks me if I have plans for dinner and I tell her no. I am thinking that she is going to ask me to take them all to dinner or buy something and bring it over. That doesn't happen, at first. I hear Frank shouting in my ear, "Don't put yourself in her environment!!", and I am thinking of calling back and saying I won't be staying for dinner.
She calls back and says she doesn't have anything for dinner really and I say they can all come over to my place to eat and tell her what I can make. She says she wants steak. THAT is laughable. I always wanted steak and she would tell me she doesn't like steak and would never want it. NOW, with OM in the picture, she says she has changed her mind and now likes steak. I held myself back from ripping into her on this matter, and only said that's good, steak is good.
Before we had finished the call, OM called in and she said she had to go and would see me when I got to the house. I called to verify that I was not running into OM at the house, but she didn't interrupt her call to OM to take my call. Nice. I arrive at the house and she is in the garage on the phone and I hear, "You don't KNOW it's always going to be like that in the future." Then she goes in the house to avoid being overheard any furhter. I continue getting our chilren out of my car and take our son to her and tell her, "You need to get your son now." She is still on the phone have a tense discussion (still, I believe with OM). I carry our D5 into the house and lay her on her bed. I find my W on the back patio, engrossed in her convo and I knock on the sliding glass door window, smile and wave. She makes a minimal effort to get my attention and I don't look back. I wasn't going to sit there in her environment while she was engaged in a F-ing convo with OM. SHE invited ME to dinner. Sheesh. I just drove off and I still haven't heard from her and that was almost an hour ago.
The old me would be calling her and listening to the "beep" that she is on another call. The new me says be patient. Say nothing. Tomorrow, smile and wave.
This is going to sound mean and it is. I hope she is feeling terrible about carrying on an affair. A proper excuse for one does NOT exist. I hope her R in that A is unstable and makes her miserable too. What I won't do is add to her troubles by making snide comments, uncaring remarks, etc. I will distance myelf from her lovingly and BE strong; for me, for our children, and yes, even for her.
I have a bet with myself on when she will actually make contact with me. I am betting it will be at work tomorrow. No phone call tonight. Regardless, I'll just tell her that I felt uncomfortable being at her house for dinner tonight so I left and couldn't tell her because she was on the phone. Period. No more, no less.
more thoughts re: my journaling about today and yesterday- 7/13/06
I didn't mention my W's first call to me this morning. She leaves a msg on my cell and says you're probably in church. We were. Then goes on to ask her favor. I know I have my priorities right in my life. I pray for all of us.
On Friday evening, we all went to a 6 yr. old's birthday party. I came from work and arrived after W and our children. I stayed away from W purposely b/c our son wants to be in my arms ONLY when he sees me. I finally go and get him and take notice again of what my sister-in-law (MY brother's wife) told me she noticed ages ago. I am the one who dotes and and takes care of our children if both of us are present. It was true when we only had one child and I noticed it again on Friday evening. W is firmly rooted in serving herself not our children and in meeting her own needs, not our children's. THAT makes me sad. The behavior I have witnessed from the beginning is the exact behavior that W always told me her mother did and W did NOT want to be like that. Unfortunately, the apple did not fall far from the tree and I believe I will have double duty raising our children to be happy, heallthy, and whole. I am up to it.
One other thing that evening. The host was talking to me, as he always does, and asks how I am doing. I tell him fine. He says you seem to be doing well. Just remember to take care of you children. They are the most important. I tell him I agree and I will. It's amazing that I often get words of encouragement from those I know, since NO ONE likes me, as my W would tell you. I don't take her "stuff" on automatically. I sift through it for truth first.
I spoke with a friend last night who really cares for me and knows my W, as well. My friend is really concerned for my well-being b/c I havent' "given up" on my W and my M yet. She tells me that my W is simply "done."
My friend tells me that I am waiting on my W's epiphany. I tell her, EXACTLY, and I believe in miracles and I believe that a miracle is what is needed for her to reach though her own fog and pull herself out of being lost. I also tell my friend that I am NOT willing to take back my own M. Either she will come back and be will to make substantial personal changes and be willing to build a completely different marriage or I will simply move on without her. As Frank said, there is NO going back, only moving forward. Most people who care for me fear that I will go back to my dysfunctional M of before. I simply tell them two things: 1) I know that my was (is) disfuntional and invalidating; 2) I am letting go of my W on my time frame and althought it seems to others as though I am not making personal progress, I am, a little at a time. She understood what I said, and also understood why I hold out hope for my W's movement, she simply just doesn't believe my W will EVER move towards me because she knows my W and has watched our M for over 4 years. It seems that so many people in my life don't want me to wait blindly and don't want me to be hurt waiting for my W to make movement she is NEVER going to make. Sad thing is, this friend heard ALL of the same stories I heard a couple of days ago and confirmed what my W's behavior was long before my A ever came to light. Sad. She's lost, and has been for a LONG time.
I will move forward happily WITH her by my side or sadly without her. If I need to move forward without her, I know my sadness will lessen with time as I continue to GAL and work on becoming the man that God always intended for me to be.
Each day I become stronger and more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable in the fact that my W's decisions may force me to a single dad. I know that I will be fine. I know I will love my children completely and be a great father. The ground beneath my feet becomes more stable every day. My praying becomes more focused. I become more clear. I am embracing my fears.
you are doing awesome brother!!!! just keep it up, the personal spiritual road you are on is the same road I have been on and it finally starting coming together last week.
Your right, forget about what all the friends say. I told very few people about my situation, but the ones I did tell gave me very little good advice that was aligned with what God wanted me to do. I will admit, all the constant negative advice did start to have an affect on what I wanted to do, but everytime I tried to give up, I was pulled back to it. You just keep praying and listening to God, his way, no matter what it is, IS the perfect way. Give God time to work on her, you will find out down the road as I did, there was a lot of things going on to heal my W that I never knew about! Just keep praying that God will lead, guide and direct her. It's still her WILL but God will work to pull her back into his.
Quote: I will move forward happily WITH her by my side or sadly without her. If I need to move forward without her, I know my sadness will lessen with time as I continue to GAL and work on becoming the man that God always intended for me to be.
Perfect attitude!
Quote: Each day I become stronger and more comfortable in my own skin and more comfortable in the fact that my W's decisions may force me to a single dad. I know that I will be fine. I know I will love my children completely and be a great father. The ground beneath my feet becomes more stable every day. My praying becomes more focused. I become more clear. I am embracing my fears.
Awesome!!!!! This is when things really start to happen, when your hands are COMPLETELY off the situation.
BIG PATS ON THE BACK BROTHER!!! KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT!!
Learn to laugh at it. People are people and everyone is human. Choose how you will act and don't re-act.
Today was a doozy of a day. First of all, I get into the office and I find out that our new leasing agent needs to leave early, our office assistant is leaving early also, W won't be there and that leaves me to cover AGAIN because I always do. This kind of crap always cuts into my workday and then people want to question me on why a task took longer that usual. GRRR!
THEN, my W comes to work with my D in tow. I find out that my W needs to attend a meeting all afternoon so I am the one who will be watching our D at work and trying to work at the same time. Now, I love my D, but trying to work with her alongside is tough, to say the least. Oh well, I handle it like I do everything else.
At one point, my W tells me she wants to discuss something important with me but she only has a minute. Next thing I know, she is leaving and I tell her so much for the minute you had to discuss your important item. She then asks me to go to lunch with her, D, and MIL. I agree. When I get there, the conversation is about my MIL's and W's feelings about our neighbor watching our children. Mind you, this is the neighbor whose family my W go sh*tfaced with and revealed embarassing stuff to OM. And THEY are unfit?? After the convo goes on awhile, my W says to me H, what do you have to say about this, you ARE their father. I look my W square in the eyes and I tell her that I had previously told her that she and I needed to have this discussion in private BEFORE bringing others into it. I tell her I want to discuss it with you in private later. She tells me, why don't we just discuss it now because I don't want to discuss it later. Typical of her. I am sure she feels that my wanting to discuss OUR children in private was my controlling her. Sick!
My MIL, sensing my anger, pipes in asking me what I think. I tell her I am not willing to discuss the matter right then. My MIL went on to tell me her reasons for having reservations about our current babysitter and her family watching our children. She made valid points. MY valid point is that our children are OUR children, no one else's and my W shows me no respect in any arena, and our children are definitely one of those important arenas.
W goes to her meeting, came back and is sitting in (what is NOW) OUR office and she gets a call from OM. It is so obvious that it is OM I stand up say that I am not going to stay in the office while she has a convo with OM (I actually name him loud enough for him to hear). She says good, leave! A few minutes later, I check back in our office and she is gone so I continue working. When she makes her way back into the office I tell her that I want to talk to HER about something important. She says she is not going to talk to me right then. She didn't know that my important topic was our children, not her F-ing A. My thoughts were how the F can she have the time to have a convo with OM and not have time to discuss an important issue with her F-ing husband. I blew up and tell her I am going to make a scene. She knows I won't and storms off.
Next thing I know she is outside on her cell phone, and I figured that she is calling OM to b*tch about me. NOPE! She was on the phone with MIL and MIL shows up shortly to see if I am available to talk. I make myself available and the convo goes like this: MIL asks me about what happened? She tells me that she has a business to run and does not want personal matters taking up company time or spilling over onto other employees. I tell her that I will not bring up another personal matter on company time, end of story. She says thanks. MIL then starts asking me if W and I can work together in the same company and share the same small office? She says she had and has her doubts. I simply tell my MIL that I know that I can do it, that I will stop talking to W except for the bare minimum. MIL tells me THAT'S not what I meant, I want you to do favors for e/o. I tell MIL I DO do favors for my W, more than I would for any other co-worker. I tell my MIL that I love her D and although the outlook for our M is bleak, I still haven't given up hope. I tell her that I believe in miracles. I tell MIL that I only want to be treated with respect and W has affored me NO RESPECT since my A came to light. MIL says that W says the same thing, that I don't show her any respect. I know this, except for backsliding on rare occasion, I have shown my W the utmost respect. I tell my MIL that I respect the fact that she was willing to have this convo with me, and asked that she have the same convo with W. She said she would b/c it would not be fair to have me behave and W constantly antagonizing me. I said fair enough.
My MIL asks me what caused me to get angry with my W and I tell my MIL that W took a call from OM and proceeded to have a convo with him while I was in the same room. I tell my MIL that THAT is disprectful. I also tell my MIL that W is having an affair, regardless of how she justifies her bullsh*t to herself. I tell her that I have held it together, shown her respect, done my job, loved our children and been responsible. MIL says that W did NOT tell her that W was carrying on a convo with OM in my presence. I tell MIL of course not, she conveniently leaves out her own contributions to the deterioration of our M and the deterioration of any interaction we have that goes bad. I tell MIL that W simply wants to look good and make me look bad and win more points for her side of our sitch.
My MIL said quite plainly that having a convo with OM in my presence was WRONG and she would not have put up with that either. I told MIL, listen, I know you love your D and I don't want to throw your D under the bus. I simply need to say that when you hear ONE side of the story and it's hers, it's slanted in her favor. Our M is a prime example. If you ask her, she will till you that I am 99% of the problem in our M and she is maybe, repeat MAYBE 1%. MIL says that she doesn't want any yelling in her office, slamming doors throwing things, hitting, etc. I calmly tell MIL that I never did any of those things but I am confident that the way MIL heard them was bad H, bad H! MIL says that's NOT how she heard the stories. My MIL says that she KNOWS her D! MIL says that she didn't come in to talk to me having already judged the situation, she simply wanted to take care of her business and make her wishes as the owner known.
I tell MIL that I have concerns about W taking on more work, planning to leave early each day, doing her loan signings, carrying on her A, etc. I tell MIL I feel that, at a minimum, I am going to get more of W's work so she can continue on in her path hindered as little as possible. I tell MIL, you always say that you know more about what happens in your business than people think you know. I tell MIL, you probably know this. When your D was running your company, I was always holding her up, taking care of her taskes, etc. My MIL says she knows. She brought up a more recent event when my W called me when I was already at work to drive 1/2 hour to get our D ready for school, take her to school, pick her up and then watch both our children b4 needing to return to the office to cover the leasing desk (yes, AGAIN!!!). My MIL said that really pissed her off, but followed that up with SHAME ON YOU for allowing that to happen. MIL says, No! It's a complete sentence! My MIL, says again that she KNOWS her D better than anyone else knows her and that MIL does NOT want me helping W to succeed. MIL wants her to succeed or fail on her own and MIL says she is not leaving town any time soon b/c she fears that W will not be able to live up to her end of the bargain. My MIL repeats, DO NOT help to keep her from failing, because keeping her from failing will only get you what you (I) don't want. My MIL does not want her D to fail, but if she were a betting person....
My good friend re-iterated what he has previously told me. He has worked for my MIL for over 25 years and told me that I have made myself the most valuable employee that MIL has ever had. According to my friend, MIL feels comfortable leaving town whenever she wants for as long as she needs to knowing that I will keep everything running smoothly until she returns. Perhaps she DOES see more than I realize she sees. We'll see.
I told MIL, listen I have never loved working for any company more than I have loved working here. I bust my butt for this company. I tell her that on Wednesday I am getting cable internet and will be able to do the majority of my desk work from home and will stay out of the office as much as possible so as not to conflict unnecessarily with W. My MIL quickly says, the office needs you here! I don't want you to do that. I felt a sense of validation from her saying that. I felt like she was saying that I have value for the company, even if I don't for her D. I just re-iterated that I will keep my working R with my W professionally courteous; no animosity. My friend says that MIL values me because I value family and MIL is family and MIL can always count on being able to see her grandchildren regardless of whether her D get pissed at her, as W is prone to do.
I then walked out of our office, grabbed a soda, told our D we had to go. We left. I called my W to ask her to lock the front locks on the office. She said she would and then apologized for carrying on her convo with OM in my presence. I simply said OK and ended the call quickly THAT'S how I will strive to keep all of our conversations going forward. Short and to the point. I am now in full detach mode. Strange thing is that her own mother is giving me advice on how to get her to wake the hell up. I love my MIL and I hate her too. Savagely strange dynamic. I am loyal to the bone to people who have NO loyalty to me. My friend says I am the way that I am b/c that's the way I was raised and that's actually a good thing.
And so my mantra is now, LOVINGLY DETACH! Stay with me my fellow DB/DR brethren. I no longer feel the rebuilding, restoration and reconciliation of my M is a longshot. IT IS A FOREGONE CONCLUSION! ONLY TIME STANDS IN THE WAY! As the song goes, "I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see."
Quote: Wow, what can I say. You're changes are becoming so obvious to MIL and she sees that she wants YOU around more than she wants W around.
At least that's what it sounded like yesterday, but I don't really trust MIL. Regardless, MIL keeps wanting to give me advice about how to deal with W becuase MIL keeps saying she knows W best. Hmmm...? Oh well, most of MIL's advice is about taking a stand, standing up for my self, and to quit being my W's doormat. I just wish my W would take notice of the changes I have made and am making as much as MIL seems to notice. Again, oh well....
Quote: your MIL is so right. DO NOT PROP W UP.
I KNOW MIL is absolutely right and I won't prop my W up. As GH said, when I stop "doing for" her, THAT'S when we'll see what value she places on me. I refuse to facilitate my W's success at work b/c she needs to sink or swim on her own because she insists she must and she's a single mom (according to her) and says she's divorced and tells D5 that (totally confusing D, plus have a BF while married; nice role model <HEAVY on the sarcasm!>. D*mnit, I am NOT going to help her divorce me. Absolutely NOT. I do NOT want to be her buddy outside of our marriage. I will NOT do that. I want to be married to her in a much healthier, happier marriage.
My W actually forced me to detach when she made the decision to converse with OM in my presence, and had the gall to make a flippant remark when I told her I would not subject myself to her convos with OM. THAT convo in my presence was WRONG in everyone's view. She has since apologized, but those were just words and her behavior is reprehensible. She's so lost.
Quote: Let her fall.
I will. Hard as it will be to witness, I will no longer prop her up so she can kick me to the curb. Uh uh. Nope.
Today was Day 1 of actually pulling back noticeably. I ended ALL of our conversations, cutting them short. I did not make myself overly friendly and didn't chase her around with phone calls. When I finally did see her, I talked about our children and left quickly. I have adopted the motto of "Smile and Wave."
It's going to work, as I am very conversive with all of my co-workers, but won't be with W. I remember one time when we worked together b4, my W told MIL that I don't know how to have fun. My MIL told me she was confused by that b/c I seemed to have fun eith EVERYONE I interacted with each day. Oh well, slanted views of an unappy W.
Tonight, my cell phone rang and I have a bluetooth earpiece that seems to be permanentlh attached to my ear even when I am home. I didn't even think about it and answered the phone w/o knowing who was calling. It was her and she needed my help on work issues. I answered her questioned and then she tells me, "I want to get off the phone." I say goodbye.
Less than 2 minutes later, she calls my cell phone again and this time I have the cell phone in front of me and know it's her calling. I don't answer and she leaves a message to call her. Now, here is where I really struggle with detaching b/c I have ALWAYS helped her, ALWAYS! Pulling back and detaching makes me feel like such a cad, but I keep hearing that if she wants to D me I may as well help her feel divorced NOW, before we actually are divorced. Maybe THEN she'll change her mind. This sucks. But I know I am strong and I am determined enough to get through this F-ed up mess in which I find myself! Grrrr! Ugh!
Quote: I'm so glad to see this progress.
Me too. I have changed my focus from progess in my sitch to my progress improving me. I am making headway. I need to read more and apply what I read to my life. I will.
I am liking me a lot more these days. I have rediscovered the real me during my sitch as I work to build a better me.
Yesterday was another doozy of a day. And today, WOW, what a day!!
Let me start with yesterday. I typed the majority of this all last night, but I fell asleep b4 I submitted and my computer did windows updates and restarted itself it by the time I woke up. So now I recreate it.
I have come to my personal epiphany that someone else's behavior does not have to affect my day in a negative fashion as long as I don't allow that to happen. I am back on quotes that move me and these were my favorites ATTITUDE:
Quote: Men are disturbed, not by thethings that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen.EPICTETUS
amd...
Quote: Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines success or failure. -NORMAN VINCENT PEALE
and lastly...
Quote: An obvious fact about negative feelings is often overlooked. The are caused by us, not by exterior happenings.An outside event prevents the challenge, but we react to it. So we must attend to the way we take things, not to the things themselves. VERNON HOWARD
I have rededicated myself to nurturing my PMA and protecting and preserving it at all times. In looking back, I grew lazy and my praying slowed down and my PMSA was slipping. To top it all off, I was blaming my W for my own lack of dedication to MY cause. Nice. Not. Big dummy I was being.
I was sitting in my office and my W was having a convo with a co-worker (CW). Our CW was standing in the doorway and I was in a hurry to handle a task and gestured to our CW that I needed for her to make some room so I could get thru the doorway. She didn't move much and I joked with her about it and nothing seemed to be wrong between us.
Shortly thereafter, my W called our CW and I happened to be sitting there conversing with CW and I could tell by our CW's end of the conversation that the caller was W trying to insert herself in the middle of my previous interaction with CW that was joked about and diffused w/o incident. I made the thoughtless comment to my CW that my W was transparent in her behavior and also made the mistake of also saying to CW that W thinks it's her job to "catch" me doing anything W perceives as wrong. My CW just looked at my with very empathetic eyes and said she is sorry that I feel that way. I left it alone at that point.
Soon, W came back in and told me that CW felt VIOLATED by the way I went through the doorway. Mind you, I didn't touch our CW, I merely gestured that I need to get through the doorway. I asked my W if she would be bothered by my asking CW if she felt violated. W said she would not be bothered.
I asked CW if I could talk with her for a moment and asked her if she felt VIOLATED by the way I passed through the door. She was shocked that I used the word violated and I explained that "violated" was the word specifically used to relate the "incident" to me. She did say that I was abrupt in making my way through and that she and I had already sorted it all out satisfactorily PRIOR to W deciding she needed to interject herself. We both went on.
Upon my W's return from her errand, she felt the need to ask me if I apologized to CW. I just walked away. Feeling that walking away was rude, I walked back and explained to W that CW and I discussed the incident and although CW didn't feel violated from my moving thru the doorway, she did feel that I was abrupt and I apologized for that.
The convo went on a little longer and I explained my beliefs on a few other sitches and my W disagreed on a couple. W then said she didn't know why she was asking questinos about my convo with CW b/c it was none of her business. I just went on about my business.
A little later, I asked my W how much additional $$$ she spent on our son's bday party b/c I had a total of my expenditures. My W flippantly brushed me off. I just tossed my receipts on her desk with the amount she owed me and told her to subtract from that total what I owed her from her expenditures so we could put this to bed.
Next, my W brought up child support and the fact that since she was making more $$$ b/c she was working full time, my child support could be less. I told her we could talk about it VERY soon to iron it out. I then asked her how much she is making and she said that's private. I said really? Well, since how much you and I make plus the percentage of time our children spend with each parent directly affects child support amounts, it wasn't really private. I reminded her that she has always known how much $$$ I make. She relented and I told her that I was going to go to a California child support calculator online and see what that would say.
She storms nto our office and snaps are you going to try to screw me with the informaion I just gave you. I looked her square in the eye and said flatly, if I wanted to SCREW you, I'd go to you house and climb in your bed with you. I quickly said, look, I only want to see what is fair and equitable. She said she was curious. THEN the child support dollar amoutn came up. $116 per month total for our 2 children
My W's jaw must have hit the floor. She begins balkint at that amount and tells me that I deserve to pay more than that $116 b/c of what I did (the A). W then goes on to further explain that her housing expenses are much more than mine and I quickly speak up offering to switch places with me and I'd stay at the house with she children and she could live where I am now or she could move to a less expensive place. She then retorts, oh, you expect you children to be uprooted from a place they're comfortable in because of what YOU did (again, the A). I tell her that that is not what I was suggesting, I was simply pointing out that she is making choices and has options in those choices.
Fore me, her remarks showed me that she is still VERY hurt and still choosing to blow thru the hurt to live in anger becuase anger is a much more mor palatable feeling than hurt. Pretty much all of my friends are of the mind that W is not hurt and not angry. I am happy to say that I have continually said that hurt and the outward mask of anger are my W's real emotions. In a strange way, I feel good about erring on the side of GRACE for my W.
I asked my W if we could talk aboout smoething that had really been botering me and she agreed. I told her that I was really offended by her continuing unilateral decisions regarding our children end then just TELLING me what SHE had decided. I told her that her decision to involve MIL in the conversation about our childrens' daycare without granting me my request to discuss the matter with me FIRST before involving anyone else. I told her that her behavior showed me that she had NO respect for me as a peron and as the father of our children. She apologized and said that that was not her intention, but I continued by telling her I was impacted negatively by her actions and the intentions didn't lessen the impact.
I the told her that I needed to tell her something that she may take as rude and abrupt. I told her that I AM the father of our children and I have an equal say in their upbringing. I told her that she would not tolerate me making unilateral decisions for our children and expecting her to abide by them and I don't appreciate her penchant for doing the same. I told her that I would not tolerate any further unilateral decisions by her. She told me that she understood my feelings and that what I said was neither rude nor abrupt. She said she would stop doing that. I told her that unfortunately her behavior had become so common that breaking the habit would probably be harder than she thought but I appreciated her willingness to work on changing and that I would pay close attention to her efforts and applaud her efforts to improve. I think she thought I was nuts for saying that.
This post is about todays events. Again, this follows a couple of DOOZIE days! This was a WOW day!
Today I talked with my W while I was out in the field first. When we both made it into the office, she seemed agitated and I asked her if something had happened to her or if she was just stressed from a busy day of work ahead? She told me that something really bad happened in her personal life. I wondered but only said I am sorry to hear that and went back to working because she offered nothing more. Now the previous day, she was not in the best of moods also and I sensed that all was not well in AFFAIRLAND. Plus two days ago, she decided to have her convo with OM in my presence and then throw her flippant remark and bad attitude my way for good measure. NOW, I really sensed that AFFAIRLAND was either burning down or had blown up. I said nothing, but the office as abuzz with chatter.
One co-worker (CW) asked me if I knew why W was in a bad mood and I said I didn't. CW didn't believe me. I told her that this, like a LOT of things in that office that happened over the past 5 or 6 months I was not privy to know. I told her that I am like a mushroom; kept in the dark and sprinkled with BS whenever I am told anything at all. She just shook her head at me.
Next thing I know, MIL asks me if I want to go to lunch with some other CWs and my sister-in-law and baby? I say sure. I then find out that W has SIL off for a talk and MIL is not privy to content of the convo. MIL laughs and says I don't know why I am excluded, SIL will tell me everything and often I hear much more than I ever want to know. W leaves to work from home and lick her wounds and SIL joins us. At this point, I figure either SIL or MIL is going to tell the story.
I am wrong. I am working away on the computer later in the afternoon and I notice that W is doing the same from home. I call her up to check on her and she tells me the story. She says, you probably already know what happened in my personal life but I'll tell you anyway.
W tells me that OM has been dating someone else the whole time that he has been dating W and she is really hurt. I tell her I am sorry that she is feeling hurt. It's tough to tread lightly and empathize with W for hurting but not say anything about empathizing with WHY she is hurting. W says we (she and OM) are finished. W then says what's wrong with me? I say that there is one person in this world who loves you more than he knows how to tell you. I told her I am sorry you hurt. I have never wanted you to hurt. She says she knows.
I know that she and OM have been having fights all along and that R was only 3-1/2 months old. Way to new of a R to have any kind of conflict. When I told my W that I did not want our children around OM anymore after the two month mark dinner my W asked me WHEN I thought would be a good time to re-introduce OM to our children.
My response was, when you get out of the Jr. High, fantasyland make believe stage. After you place your expectations on e/o and those expectations are not met and you have a REAL fight. When you figure out if you two are for real or playing house because I don't want our children playing house in you make believe world. Well, we got to that point like I anticipated and look at what she got. Too bad she was so hell bent on making her unilateral decisions regarding our children that she re-introduced them about two weeks ago. As I told her all along, she is so blinded by her hurt and anger that she is running so fast she is ONLY thinking of herself and consistently puts her own wants and needs ahead of our childrens' needs and well-being.
Hopefully, this will be a wake up call and she will take an honest look at her H again. Did I F up badly? Absolutely. Have I made a STAND? I stand firmly? Have I loved her? I have shown her love to the best of my ability.
I was talking to my dad. He seems to be the ONLY one in my family that does not sit in judgment for taking a stand and doing all that I can to save my M and keep my family together. He tells me that my family saw how my W treated me during our M and they are only fixated on believing that I am blind to reality and that I deserve to be treated better. I tell my dad that I do see how I was treated. I am not blind nor delusional. I tell him also that I am not optimistic about my sitch, but I haven't given up and I DO believe in miracles. As Jeremy Camp sings, I will walk by FAITH, even when I cannot see. I am still only in round 2 of my 15 round championship bout with the enemy and I have trained hard to go the distance, but I don't think this one's going throgh the 15th round. I am gonna score a knock out with consistent, relentless, powerful, calculated work against my foe. My wife underestimated me. That is OK. She will reap the benefits. My enemy underestimated me. That is OK also. I am going to knock his a$$ into tomorrow and send him away from my W, M and family.
At this point, I am happy that W's A with OM is done (or so she says), but I don't know that it means anything positive for us necessarily. I do know that NOW is the time to work harder on me than ever before. NOW is crunch time. My good friend told me today before I found out the news from W that he is VERY impressed by how I have held myself together and kept myself hopeful and also open to reconciliation after all of the "stuff" I have endured in trying to atone for my A and make amends to my W. He said he would have said F off a LONG time ago. I took his compliment as high praise because I highly respect this man. I told him that my W underestimated my strength, stamina, chin, restraint, and faith. My friend said yes she did, by a long shot. I told him that I told my W a while back that she really underestimated her H and she said she didn't know me very well and that really pissed her off. The fact that she didn't know me very well is MY fault. WHEN she gives me the opportunity to be her mate again, she WILL know the real me; not the poser. I will be absolutely authentic because, by the time we get to that point, I will really KNOW and BE the real me again. My W and I deserve to have the real me. The real me is a patient, kind, accepting, loving man. And THAT authentic man will be the saving grace of our M; the mortar that holds our brick house together and replaces the house of straw; a REAL INTEGRAL component for our successful, honest, loving, giving marriage.
I arrive at the house and she is in the garage on the phone and I hear, "You don't KNOW it's always going to be like that in the future." Then she goes in the house to avoid being overheard any furhter. I continue getting our chilren out of my car and take our son to her and tell her, "You need to get your son now." She is still on the phone have a tense discussion (still, I believe with OM). I carry our D5 into the house and lay her on her bed. I find my W on the back patio, engrossed in her convo and I knock on the sliding glass door window, smile and wave. She makes a minimal effort to get my attention and I don't look back. I wasn't going to sit there in her environment while she was engaged in a F-ing convo with OM. SHE invited ME to dinner. Sheesh. I just drove off and I still haven't heard from her and that was almost an hour ago.
First of all, I get into the office and I find out that our new leasing agent needs to leave early, our office assistant is leaving early also, W won't be there and that leaves me to cover AGAIN because I always do. This kind of crap always cuts into my workday and then people want to question me on why a task took longer that usual. GRRR!
I quickly said, look, I only want to see what is fair and equitable. She said she was curious. THEN the child support dollar amoutn came up. $116 per month total for our 2 children