OK, IMHO, snooping is OK, unless there is a chance that you get caught. Confronting with information gathered during snooping sessions, NOT OK. This will surely lead to what happenned to you...
Do you really want to work things out with this person? I am not sure that you want that...
Good on you on not letting her use your car. If at all, the only time that I would let her use it is whenever you are WITH HER. Last thing you want is OM to be in that car doing whatever...
Hang tough.
My sitch
Me 35
WAW 34
Married 4 years
NO kids
BOMB July 21 2006
I understand what you are saying. I'm just not able to detach emotionally enough to not let the EA bother me. I admire the strengh of a lot of people here on this BB who do exact that.
SHE suggested after several month of Dbing to work it out. Since then SHE has told me several times it is over. Like last Tuesday, when she said she finally made up her mind and knows what she needs to do. And again on Sunday after we had great sx. We talked about it and she KNOWS it means NO CONTACT.
Yes, I would like to work it out with her, BUT I don't want to be lied to anymore and just used for my money. And that's what she is doing. She calls him EVERY day, last Sat four times. There is nothing to work on right now. I have to wait until the A is over. And I'm losing my patience. I'm at a point where I daily think about moving out again and let her deal with her crap. Some physical distance would probably help me.
And I have the opportunity to move back into our house which is currently up for sale. Our contract with the realtor ends this months. And she signed the lease for our current house we live in. Since I already pay the mortgage that would finacially be the same.
But it would be very hard on my D5. That's what is holding me back. But she still has her room at our old house. Perhaps that would make it easier for her to spent again every second weekend w/daddy?
I now it sucks, I am NOT sure what to do, do I stay or do I leave? My C told me take it day by day, one day I will now. And I also now that DBing would not let me show her the results of my snooping. But I don't care anymore. I want to let her know that I know she is lying. And that she can't expect me to be her friend. Would you lie constantly to a friend?????
Just getting thoughts out of my system. Perhaps some people calm me down again and I go for another week or month.
Hi. I haven't posted to you before. Lord knows I don't have all the answers. But before I continue with my post, I think its only fair that I give you my "stats".
M45 W40 Married 13yrs ILYBINILWY many times over the last six years. W moved out 01/06 Divorce....12/06?
Now my post.
I have a W like yours. Many of us here do. I used to think only mine was selfish, self centered, uncaring, crazy, immature, etc. But there are so many others here with the same situation. Something is wrong. I think the something is us. I believe Frank_D hit it right on the head. We are "Fixers" or "enablers". We pride ourselves in "doing the right thing." "Taking the high road", and "dbing."
My W did horrible things to me, and to this day only wants (besides all my money) me to admit how cruel I was too her.
I have three children. D11, S6, and D4. When my oldest was 4, I found out W was having an affair, and actually TRYING to get pregnant by OM. I couldn't believe my ears. After many arguments, and fights, she broke it off. Actually, OM realized that she was a horror story and told her to stop calling him.
Back then, I looked at my four year old daughter and I couldn't leave. I felt like I had been crushed. I read all the books, thought that "this happens in lots of marriages" and we could get through it. I also had all the fears you do now. W would get custody, I would lose my home, I would be paying tons of CS. Daughter would be raised by a series of OM.
I should have left....THEN.
It's six years later, and not a damn thing has changed. W has had numerous A's, crushed me financially, and moved out. I can't get my six years back.
But I did get me back. My house is clean, my kids are happy, and there is peace in my home. Two years ago, I stopped fixing. She spent on herself lavishly. She never contributed to the family bills. She was always broke. I found out later, that she still had money for gifts for OP's. Eventually her behavior caught up with her. She owed creditors and screamed at me to pay them. I refused. She needed gas money, or cell phone bill money, or whatever money...I refused. She stopped taking care of the kids. She stopped cleaning, stopped cooking, and eventually stopped coming home. It was better that way. Now, I wasn't waiting to find out if she wasn't going to be there...I knew she wasn't. No need for contingency plans.
They're almost like drug addicted people. Everyone else is the reason for their problems, but in actuality they are problem. Give em’ time (don't fix em') and they will crash. Guaranteed.
I never stopped caring about her, but I had to care for me more. That's how she will learn to respect you. It's simple. It's called tough love.
If W doesn't want to let go of the A, it's because she feels like she doesn't have to. You are allowing that. I'm not telling you to "put your foot down." We all know that the only person you can control is you. Think about it. When she does something you don't like, you have a choice about how to react. You can control that.
At this point, if she wants OM, I would tell her to do whatever she thinks is best. That you love her and only want the best for her, but you won’t wait anymore. And no, do not finance it. I wouldn't finance anything except how your D5 is cared for. Tell W that you respect her choices, that you feel bad that your not one of them and leave it at that. From then on, I would treat her like buddy. AND GAL!!!!!
One last thing. We teach people how to treat us. Man-up. You had a big hand in creating this. Now empower yourself and do something about it.
EM, if you decide to go to the other house I think your d5 will be fine, as it is she witnesses and listens to her mother go nuts, you might actually see the situation better and count the pros and cons. If anything, being on your own might give you the peace of mind you need.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi EM - As much as I have encouraged you to stand over the past few months, your W's actions and attitudes really has me wondering if that is the best advice. All of our situations are unique even though there are common threads that run through them. And we are all a little different in how we are made up, and with how much we can put up with. You know yourself and your W better than we can ever hope to. I guess my point is that there is no right or wrong decision, just a realization of how much you can put up with while she continues to reside in the ozone layer.
I was really elated when I found out that your W wanted to work things out and get back together again. I knew this would be difficult and take time and lots of patience. But I understand the impact of the roller coaster ride she is still putting you on, and I have got to wonder how sincere she is about restoring the marriage. In short, I don't know what to advise, but I believe that you will soon come to an understanding of what you need to do for your own happiness and well-being. If you can gather more patience, great! If you are unable to put up with any more guff, leaving her to her own devices is also a reasonable and acceptable move. There are no wrong answers here. You will come to know what is best for you and the daughter. God bless you and help you as you ponder what to do. My best to you as always.
W called me last Fri and told me that she send email to Om and stopped A. B/c we had talked about that before, I asked her if she cc'ed me on it. No. Then she didn't come home til 1am. She went dancing.
Sat morning W wanted to talk again during breakfast. She said she send Om email stating it is over, and that she was very unhappy about it and cried the whole night. I didn't hear anything and she was right next to me. So I asked her if I can see it. No, 'is at work on server, can't get access at home'. I asked if he replied. She said yes. Me: can I see it? W: No, already deleted it. Me: can you forward it on Mon? W: Yes.
Today, no forwarded email. W called, didn't mention anything. So I asked her again. She said it is over and I will prove it to you. About an hour later she send email to Om like she said she would and cc'ed me on it. But it WAS NOT forwarded, she send it TODAY.
So she lied to me on Fri and Sat. Is this just another trick to make me happy? Do I just let it go?
I have been following your sitch for quite a while and believe me that I would not trust her at all at this point until she would have proven to me over time that I could trust her. She really sounds quite manipulative...
Not sure that pressuring her to copy you on emails to OM is the best tactic, but you know best and may be at the "breaking" point yourself and would like to either like to move one way or the other... No?
Wishing you luck and patience.
My sitch
Me 35
WAW 34
Married 4 years
NO kids
BOMB July 21 2006
EA's & PA's are like drug addictions. They actually cause the brain to flooded with dopamine. That's a serious "feel good" chemical. And like all addictions, are very hard to give up. Addicts will lie through their teeth to keep getting that feel good chemical. And remissions are often part of the weaning (sp?) process. The only way to be successfull is no contact/use at all.
It seems to me that she's trying. I think thats good. Will it work? I don't know. But I know this, you have to continue to protect yourself. Keep your boundries solid. If she comes back, then great. If not, you wont feel walked on --again.
This was in todays daily e-mail from the 'makingherhappy' website, which I encourage all men to subscribe to:
"A woman knows, instinctively, without ever being told, as a result of biological development through the ages, that if a man can't stand up TO her, he cannot stand up FOR her."
I guess I did stand up to her. She finally wrote the email to Om (who has by the way changed his myspace profile since than from 'in a realationship' to 'single' ). I am just a little worried that I pressured her too much. But then again, Om was my biggest issue.
And W knows that I can stand up FOR her. For example, the last concert we went to, she was 'bullied' by a guy who didn't care about her pushing back. Now, W is totally capable of defending herself, but that might have ended bloody! So I went to him, talked to him a little and he left. I guess as Xue kind of mentioned, the confidence of a black belt, here in a possible fighting situation, does help sometimes.
)
). I am just a little worried that I pressured her too much. But then again, Om was my biggest issue.