Well folks… here I am back again… Off again on again off... on… off.. ON!!!
WHAT THE HELL
Sitch: Me 33 Her 31, Married 11 years Together 12+, Two Kids 11, 5 shared custody 50-50
First problems appeared Oct 2004… Started Dbing – 180ing w/o knowing what it was… mostly ineffective because I was looking for immediate gratification. Bomb dropped Early Dec 2004 I moved out to my parents place found Divorce Busting.com got the books and went to work.
I hired a personal trainer – Lost almost 50 lbs put on 20 lbs of Muscle and I have kept it off and feel great… Learned to be a better listener… improved lots of other things
Worked hard moved home in May of 2005 things looked better continued to DB but I had some trust issues I couldn’t let go of… come end of Aug things turned again and she reverted to being cold, distant and angry…
I had enough and we agreed to separate drew up an agreement this time she moved out… but she lived at home with me for almost a month before she moved to her new place… we made love often… and really enjoyed each others company… it was what I had been wanting all along we made time with each other a priority… but she still left… sold our home of 8 years and moved in to a new house
I started a relationship with another women … to quickly after my wife left… she was a wonderful lady… but she wanted to much from me to fast… and it just made me run back to my Wife and begin to Dbust all over again… I worked hard and it seemed there was progress… but I got impatient and wanted her to move back in with me… then for 2 weekends in a row when I knew she nothing but free time… she ignored me completely while I had set aside time for her… I had enough…
I decided that it was better to be alone and miserable then to be waiting for someone and be miserable so I decided to end it that was early April 2006
For almost 2 months I have been business like and polite with her but I shared nothing of my life with her and I had started seeing other people and I have found a beautiful girl I really like…
Then on the July Long weekend I was feeling quite down about my Kids going away for the weekend – I often make the joke I’m a “Daddy” that should have been a “mommy” resulting in my being VERY short and grumpy with my ex because I didn’t want her to see me break down or my kids to think I didn’t want them to see their mom…
So I resolved to apologize to her when she brought them back…so I did, I let her know what was going on and we talked… the most real conversation we had had in months… it was good… She talked and seemed happier then I would have expected her to be… She told me some stories about her last couple weeks and I listened and enjoyed them… similar things happened again when she brought the kids back we decided to sit down together on July 13 and discuss some divorce stuff… before I took the kids on Holiday the next week.
She brought them back that night we sat and talked… she seemed very unlike herself… we both talked about the other people we were seeing…
Then…
It was surreal… she cracked… in 12 years together I had never seen the way she looked and talked to me…
“I miss you… I miss you so much… I was ok I didn’t miss you or realize how much I did until we talked and you explained… I don’t even know why I was so angry with you”
I was expecting something like this to happen… but I was not ready for it to happen so soon or see such emotion from her towards me…
I was still very angry for the hurt and rejection I had been put through since Xmas 2004… so I spewed all of it at her… and she just sat there and took it… I stopped short I couldn’t keep going and say the most hurtful things I wanted to say…
Something made me switch and I offered her some advice… about a book to read to help her with new relationships (Men from Mars Women from Venus) She said she would get and read the book…
I was STUNNED since this started she would not even consider even looking at the my relationship books she got angry when ever I would suggest it…
She wanted to come over on the weekend before the kids and I headed out on holiday I decided Sunday night was ok…
She cried on my shoulder held me and said things I could not believe were coming from her…
I remained distant… I had seen similar things before… and recanted later… but never quite like this….
She wanted to come over to see ALL of us but particularly our Son (his birthday was the next week) before we left on holidays…
I had her over Sunday the night before we left and it was a little tense to begin with but she asked that I relax and said she has been looking forward to seeing… ME all weekend…
Again I was stunned… she was dressed in a VERY cute shorty shirt and low rise jeans (My wife is a very good looking lady)… I mentioned this and she said… I picked this out just for you…
Something in me… snapped and I quietly said to her
“I forgive you… It doesn’t change anything… but I forgive you” – I was wrong… it changed everything in me…
We left for Holidays early Monday… My new “friend” was supposed to come with us but circumstances prevented that… and it was a good thing… I found myself thinking of nothing else but my Ex…
I sent her a few text messages and she sent me some back they were fun funny and positive… She could tell I was down because I mentioned trouble sleeping in one… and she knows that always means I’m upset about something… She Texted and asked if she could call me… I said yes…
She called we talked… I found out she was calling me from her Boyfriends house!!!... she wanted to talk with me… to here from me… neither of us wanted to hang up the phone…
Me: “What are we going to do… I’m on a trip I was supposed to be taking with someone else and I can’t stop thinking about you… your calling me from you BOYFRIENDS house!! And about to go out for a weekend camping with him”
She: “I don’t know what we should do… you know… you always know”
She wanted to come visit us when she came home Sunday night I said sure…
We chatted more and when I said Oh I better get going… I listened like a infatuated high schooler as she hung up the phone…
I cracked… I spent the next 4 days crying whenever the kids weren’t around… why was this happening again… I was free before this safe from her behind my anger…
I resolved to put it out there again to offer one more chance at “Us” for “US” and for our kids…
She came over Sunday night and she could see I was a wreck… the first thing she did as she came in the door of my house was give me a huge hug…
She visited the kids a bit and they went and played with the neighbors… we talked… I laid it all on the line…
It ended with us holding each other so close on my couch and us talking: Her “I’m almost ready to try again… I’m just so scared… “
Me “Look at me I’m terrified to… but life is to short to not be with the person you really want to be with when you can see they want to be with you”
I gave her my Copy of Men from Mars Women from Venus my copies of Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy… she thanked me and promised to read them
I walked her out to her car and invited her for dinner to my place she will come over Thursday when she picks up the Kids… and I will cook her as good of a meal as I can…
I am doing my best to be very very cautious so I still have no real hope… I have been kicked in the heart to many times… to get excited…
And I feel I have found something special in the other person in my life… but 12 years is greater then 3 months
My “wife” called last night and I was out at my Kung Fu Class… hopefully she will call again tonight….
It feels just a matter of time… and all things will be right… I just don’t know in which way
just sending my best luck vibes, I sure hope, if this is for the best, that you guys work it out. I do believe too that life is too short not to take risks or be with the person you want.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Wow! Reading about your sitch, just gave me goosebumps (the good kind)! No matter what happens in the future, at least you were able to reconnect in the most awesome way. Hold onto that, especially if you really do set foot on the road to rebuilding your M.
It's good that you're not being too hopeful, but it's difficult not to be, 'eh! Just keep on doing what you've been doing, don't have too many expectations, and just be happy with how it's all unfolding. Isn't life just wonderful, and mysterious!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I won’t make contact with her till Thursday… and after that no till she brings the kids back next week… I guess… no texts… no calls…
I WAS ok not talking with her… but now all I have want is just a few minutes of her time… but it is causing her hurt…
Just got off the phone with her after about an hour talking...
She won't be coming out for Ice Cream tonight... I think the kids and I will just stay in they are having a good time with the neighbor kids…
She is messed up now between 2 guys
I started the conversation very friendly and upbeat but I could hear her…
It was a pretty heavy conversation… I really don’t want any of those… I just want to enjoy spending time with her… and build back slowly and surely.
Both points she repeated herself and agreed on.
Both of us are really frightened...
I know I want her back... she is not ready to try now...
She still is interested in working on “us” sometime she still has a lot to process…
She has started reading the books starting with Mars / Venus – VERY positive I believe she will go through the other ones when she can…
She has found something in the guy she is seeing that she really likes... I don’t begrudge her that… even though it rips me up…
Something that hurts a lot and I had a feeling this would happen… She REALLY enjoyed the holiday they had together this past week… it hurts me inside but at the same time I am happy she had a good time…
She said she was guarded with him but after this past weekend she felt it lessen…
Yet another punch in the heart…
She is feeling very conflicted and worried about hurting her new friend in Calgary... and hurting the his little boy who is the same age as ours…
I added that in my case... If the Girl I was seeing decided to go back to her husband… I would understand if she chose to be with the man she had 12 years and 2 kids with compared to 2 months…
We discussed the conflicted feeling and I indicated that I felt the same way… like when I am spending time with my “friend” I feel like I am cheating on both her and my “WIFE”
I told her that it bothered me VERY much to think that ½ the time my kids would be with another Man… not that I don’t believe he is a decent guy… but it’s just the same as she would feel with me and another women with her kids…
She indicated that she felt like she was just playing “house” with him… that they just do mostly just “normal” stuff like garden and get groceries together… etc. something I replied that I miss a lot.
In “OUR” (hers and mine) favor he lives 1.5 hrs away and she wants her space from him… she likes to go visit him but she also likes to go back to her own place.
He has suggested that he could help find her a job there and live with him but she just told me there is no way she would do that or buy a house there… she likes her space… she is happy to visit him and happy to leave…
She said she talks with him at least twice a day… that hurts but understand I would talk with my “friend” more often… if she was not so busy herself
On my side I understand and respect that she needs that space to work things out… part of my “pitch” included the fact that I did not care if she needed to have her own house… her own space
I told her all I wanted and needed was to feel like I am a priority and I am important. Sunday night gave me that feeling again and that’s why all this inside me happened
I understand that she has a need to feel independent and pay her own way…
She has been approved for a mortgage of her own, which is great, and I told her so
We talked about some of what we need to work on… Trust is a big one…
However on my side of that equation I trust her… I explained why… It is a private thing that I won’t speak of here however… I trust her completely
On her side she said she felt like I was keeping something’s from her… that makes me crazy… I am very honest… I told her there was only one woman I have “been” with since this began and it wasn’t right and I ended it and went back to her – that was the Lady in Sept / Oct 2005
There was something else there but I can’t remember it
I am prepared to do what it takes to wait for her to be with me… I’m scared she will choose to be with him of course but I asked her about the most important things I took from Sunday night
1. She would like to try again with me… someday but she’s not ready now
WHEN – who knows… can I deal with this limbo till then I don’t know…
2. She FEELS relaxed and comfortable with me which is what I wanted so much
HOW – can I keep that going and BE so careful not to push for more?
3. She feels HOPE that we can work things out
HOW – to keep that going… while dealing with the issues I have of this other man…
She agreed again to all these…
I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t bother me that she goes and stays with him and plays house with him…
When that’s what I want SO badly… with her
I’m feeling freaked out and frightened… back to this limbo world… of waiting for my “WIFE” to deal with her issues…
I’m doing stuff for myself taking trips, working on buying a new vehicle…
I’m also SO conflicted… I don’t want to mess with the heart of the Girl that I am seeing but I don’t want to give up what I have found there… in case my “WIFE” doesn’t come around…
I long for when it was simple just 3 years ago… just her and I and our kids in our house in what seemed to me a wonderful fairly tale world…
Well…. That was the hardest night I have had in a long time…
I took a sleep aid for the first time since early 2005… it did not help… I went to sleep at 10:30 and woke up at 12:00 and tossed and turned in a groggy horrible surreal dream state all night…
I am filled with so many emotions… recriminations horrible doubts…
My life has come almost full circle back to the beginning of this mess…
It is as close to the early days of my pain as I can remember…
But it is SO different now:
This time my “WIFE” does and will talk about relationship stuff with me
This time she realizes she is not done with me… that she still has very strong feelings towards me
This time she is reading books about making changes and keeping relationships together
This time there is another man in the picture that is a “serious” threat
This time there is a woman in the picture that I like
This time I understand her need for space
I’m trying to keep busy… do things on my own… not dwell on her relationship with the OM…
Part of my not sleeping has to do with my relationship with the new gal in my life… I felt so guilty like I’m cheating on her and my “WIFE”
So I resolved to call her this morning and explain everything… to my surprise she understood everything I talked about… I knew she is going through the same thing with her EX and if he decided to try again she would take him back… she also understood that I did not want to loose her either… that there is something special between us… so there is one burden I can put down…
Something that is bothering me in the extreme is my Ex staying over at the OM’s place with our kids... I think it is far to early for that… I don’t mind her visiting him with the kids… but staying over with them there is just wrong wrong wrong…
That will be the only thing I will ask her not to do
I am going to tell her I talked with my “Friend” about what has happened between my “Wife” and I… in the hopes she will realize she should do the same…
I am loathe to suggest it… but I believe she needs to talk with him and let him know what is going on…
My Friend Todd… said the worst thing for him in a situation like this would be to not be told and things continue w/o all the facts…
Howdy ROK, nice to see you, I've wondered how you are. Pretty sticky stuff with both you and W seeing other people, and now rediscovering each other but maybe that was a step that had to be taken for the discovery to happen. As with all of us, time and patience heads the list. Don't get too consumed again, remember to be true to yourself.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
No sleep... I'm going to try to see a Dr. Today... cant live this way I have a business to run and a life to try and live
"EX" (note change) called last night... saying she is conflicted about having supper with us at my house... it would be betraying her new BF somehow...
I have already bought some nice stuff for supper that I won’t eat on my own...
Fine... I asked how we were supposed to reconnect if she won’t step forward...
I'm not ready to reconnect with you... I’m happy with the "newness" of my Boyfriend...
But he is just a “boyfriend” its not like its more then that…
I will come and hang out for a bit when I pick the kids up…
I replied you realize your messing with our kids lives and his kid by taking them to his place staying over and playing house...
I’m like 2 months to 12 years… don’t you see that…
She says oh you just have to trust me...
She says it's a step back to come back together with me... in front of her friends and family... that she has accomplished so much...
I just wanted to scream at her what kind of world do you live in where you love someone and saving a marriage with them is a STEP BACK!!
I didn’t…
I am at a loss for what to do… she has messed with my heart and soul so badly this time
Can I continue to DB this play it off as if its nothing that she is with this guy…
I was done before and I am done now...
So why do I have this crappy flicker of hope stuck inside me
I'm glad I learned early on In DBing to vent my anger here and with friends rather then at my "WAW"
So I decided I would have supper ready regardless of if she wanted it or not...
It was really nice she got there a bit early and I told her she was getting supper weather she liked it or not she smiled and said well it smells very good
We chatted while I made supper... we hugged each other a bunch and laughed at each other... it was REALLY nice
I told her no matter what happens her and I are “family” she replied more then family…
Her summer Job now has the chance to become a higher paying Long Term Job which in a year can develop into the trade she took her certificate for in School over the past year. Which means BIG money but she needs to stay in the local area (excellent)
She has been approved for her own mortgage and she was very excited at the prospect of the increase in pay to get a larger mortgage
I added well since you have already been approved and we KNOW you can get one and pay for it on your own… I would be willing to help you get a bigger one so you could get a nicer house which is better for you and the kids.
She seemed to like that..
Her BF has commented that he doesn’t like her schedule for work makes it hard for him to plan stuff together… I commented its pretty weird that he is already “pushing” the live together thing…
She replied well he didn’t really push it she said… I replied you said he was like me right…? I said well if I said that it has to be rolling around in his head a whole bunch… he wont like the long distance relationship thing for to long…
She said… he seems ok with it now… and I maybe would move there… I wont take the kids of course… I replied you would only see them every other weekend… wow thing about how that would feel…
She looked a little sad and said hmmm
I said well I know you like your schedule this way and I like it to its nice for the Kids and for me… She replied I do to I like having the bunch of days off in a row its nice
It was a nice evening I told her I would like to do this when we switch the kids off its nice for me to have the company… She said maybe…
She headed out we hugged once more…
She seemed tired and kind of messed up between him and I… which is exactly what I’m going for..
So I have decided I’m going to keep Dbing but at the same time I’m going to keep seeing other people myself…
I think she will go for the Job her, which will mess with the “BF” and put pressure on them (bonus)
I am holding out little hope we can work things out… she sees lots of potential with this guy
But…
I believe the LD relationship thing will implode at some point and when it does…
Maybe I will be there and we will see what happens
