I saw the MC yesterday (alone…W & D7 still in the US for one more week). When I described my feelings of anger to him, he suggested that I might want to let my W know about these feelings, maybe in a letter. The MC is familiar with DR techniques and he is a solution based guy. His point is that I have been detaching and letting the W go about her business, without much R talk. He thinks that she may be using my actions as a way of validating her own…in other words, when I told her I would not beg, plead, pursue, etc. she took that to mean that I was “OK” with both the D and the A…that I was totally accepting that it is for the best. He said that she may be seeing my stance as normal actions…in other words, since my mo over the last four years was to give her space, and not push her too hard about working on the “us” part of the marriage, she may see my current stance as par for the course. I think, in a round about way, he’s suggesting a 180…in other words, let her know I AM passionate about the sych and I AM pissed because I don’t feel as if she meet me halfway in our reconciliation efforts. In a separate conversation my MIL, who has never heard of DB-ing, said something similar…that maybe I needed to let my W know I have enough passion about this sych to be really angry. She also relayed that my W is telling her she is totally convinced that a D is the best thing for me because I can find someone who will truly make me happy, yadda yadda.
Here are my thoughts. I'm not sure expressing your anger as a tactic will change your sitch in any way. I don't think that if you say "I'm angry at you for F'ing up all our lives" that she will throw herself into your arms. No way, Jose! But,on the flip side I also, in the course of an R talk expressed my anger (in a calm, unthreatening manner) because I needed to let her know. She said she understood. Did it change anything? NO. I know you don't want to be seen as pleading, begging, pursuing etc. but what I did at another point was write a letter to my W outlining what I saw in our future, if she decided to work on the situation with me. I told her my plans for putting romance back in our lives, how I planned to make changes for e.g. "to become the listener you need me to be" etc. I told her that she was the absolute love of my life. I also stated I knew that at this moment she was not willing but I asked her to keep the letter and think about it again sometime in the future. I didn't state my anger but you could do that too. My wife still saves the bow from the letter! She said she cried and cried after reading it. I felt I needed to state my case so I would never have to say "If only I had ..." That is my suggestion for what it's worth. Did my W stop her affair? NO (but things have improved). So you decide. P.S. I'm going on vac for a week, I'll check in with you when I get back. Take care of yourself.
Hi IMINTROUBLE, I'm new here and I have been reading your situation. I'm sorry that you are going through this and I wish you the best. But may I say here that it probably would be best if you did not discuss the R with your IL's. I have been talking to mine (nothing bad about my H except that he needs their help right now) and now he believes that his family has turned against him BECAUSE of me. He does not think that what he is doing (living w/my "friend") is wrong - neither of them do. So please be careful about how much you tell your IL's. Just my thoughts.
I know what you are saying. Honestly, it is mainly my MIL who was wanting to disuss the sych with me. We have had two phone conversations. At the end of both I stressed very strongly that she could not tell W that we had talked. I have not talked to FIL in person, but he told MIL that my W would be very upset if she knew we were discussing the sych. I basically told MIL at end of last convo that we probably shouldn't have any more discussion for awhile.
I haven’t posted for awhile so I thought I’d put up a little update. W has been at her parent’s house in FLA with D7 since 29 Jul. They are coming home this Friday. We spoke on the phone for the first time in about 10 days last Monday. In the past four years, I think that is the longest we’ve ever gone without speaking or emailing. All the beans have been spilled to her mother and father…both of them are upset. My MIL seems more unhappy with W, whereas FIL is also upset but is trying to look after W’s and D7’s best interest. FIL called me one night and explained his feelings and outlook on the situation…W does not know he talked to me. He told me that apparently there was a plan for the W to see an attorney while she was in FLA (we were married there), but she hasn’t done it so far. I spoke to her a few days ago ( we had to talk about the house we are renting out in FLA, stuff for D7’s school, etc. etc.). Something came up, I can’t remember exactly what, and she seemed hesitate to talk about it. She said, “Well…I’m a little uncomfortable talking about those type things since our whole relationship is changing”. I said, “Yeah…I guess it is changing”. To that she replied, “What? I thought that was a known thing…”. I then told her it might be “known”, but that I didn’t like it. I then told her I was going to email her a letter and tell her some things. She said OK…she hoped I wouldn’t hold anything back and to would just rip into her if it made me feel better. I told her it wasn’t that kind of letter, to which she responded, “What?...I thought you had given up on me…”. I’m not sure what that meant, but it does somewhat confirm the vibe I’ve been getting that she my have interpreted my detaching as acceptance and moving on rather than just giving her space. I don’t want to pursue or beg her, but I also want her to know that I still want her and this marriage. The letter, which I sent last night, should clear that issue up. I told her we could talk about the letter, or not. Then she asked me to send it earlier rather than latter, so she could have a chance to respond by email if she wanted. We’ll see what happens. I will be away on business (TDY) several times in Sep, so she will have to stay with D7. OM is not supposed to be around D7. W is also planning on auditioning for another local play…all female cast this time, but I’m positive that OM will be over there volunteering all he can. OM is now alone…his W and 4 kids left for the States last week, and they don’t plan to come back. I’m still seeing the MC by myself…I don’t know if W is planning to continue her sessions, although I know MIL has encouraged her to do so. OM quit going to the MC (same MC for both couples, if you can believe it!)….he said it was all hogwash. I’m still fighting the urge to toss OM off the top of his office building…I know the issue is between W and me, but I think it would make me feel much better for a little while…at least until the MPs show up. We’ll see how this plays out…
Just got back from vacation! One week away with the w and kids. I would love to hear more about what was in your letter to her. I know myself I am very proud of what I wrote to my W months ago. No matter what now whatever you wrote will be in her head, she can throw it out, ignore it etc but it will be there. You also threw her when you told her your letter was not the anger that she was hoping for (anger means she can ignore it, and shut it out) and now she has to cope with hearing what comes from your heart. That is alot harder to put aside. I hope she, like my W, cries her heart out when she reads it. Let me know the outcome. P.S. don't go giving the MP's a hard time by offing the OM. Too much paperwork! I used to be an MP many moons ago!
Well…in the letter I basically told her I was angry and frustrated at the turn of events, that I didn’t think we had done all we could to save the marriage, that I was angry because we’ve worked hard to be a good family and good parents and all of that was being destroyed, that I was angry we didn’t talk about things the way we used to. There was more, but that was the gist of it. She said when she read the letter and since she got back that she wants to write me a reply. After this info, the MC suggested that was a good thing…even if the reply is 99% negative, there will be something there to work with. He said just the mere fact she is not choosing to completely ignore it is a least a little positive. He suggested I write another letter, this one a straight up love letter…no begging or pleading, just a letter stating how I feel. His concern was that my initial low key response to the bomb and subsequent efforts to detach may have signalled to her that I was accepting of the divorce. I wrote the letter and gave it to her the morning after she got back. She read it right away, said it was very nice and sweet, but that if made her feel “guilty as hell”. I told her I just didn’t want there to be any doubts in her mind about my feelings in this matter. I also told her I had no expectations of ever talking about the second letter. We did have a couple of minor “R” related discussion…mainly because it is getting close to the time for both me and OM to begin working our next assignments. I told her I’d done what I needed to do to get back to the southeast US, which the area she said she was going, with our without OM. She then told me OM also had been told he might go to Wash state or Hawaii. I asked if that meant she was for sure going with him…she said she didn’t know, but if she had to make the choice right now, she would follow OM. No fireworks, very calm, business like discussion. The first night home she went out to a friend’s going away party and then stayed at OM’s house until 0500. The next night she went to another friend’s going away and came home at 0500 (no OM this time). She even told me about some of the places they went and said maybe if they went next weekend we could get a babysitter and she and I could both go. Then…we go to church on Sunday. The sermon was not anything radical, just your standard if you believe and live with God you’ll get your heavenly reward, if not, you won’t. It really, really, really hit the W between the eyes. She went straight to the bedroom when we got home. I checked on her and she was crying…spent a good 2-3 hours in bed. Of course, when I took D7 out for an errand she jumped right on to the email with OM. She was more depressed than I have ever seen her. She told me later that night that she could not go back to church, the guilt was too much and she couldn’t do that to herself. She said she had thought we could “hang out” together, even referenced the tentative plans we had made earlier that day, but now she felt she had to distance herself from me in order to deal with the guilt of what she has done to me. Basically, she doesn’t want to be alone with me or in any social settings. It is almost like just looking at me brings her overwhelming guilt. She says there’s nothing I can do to help…the problem is all hers. I didn’t say much…just listened. She did say she was going to see the MC...we’ll see what happens…if she does or not is her call. Additionally, she found out yesterday that the job she thought she was starting next week is on hold. The job was in the hospital where the OM works…OM is the #2 guy running the place. I’m 99% sure she got the job on her own merits, (she is waaaay overqualified for it, but there just aren’t many jobs here), but it appears somebody tipped off the hiring office about their affair and it appears she may not get the job. The hiring officials are concerned (rightly so) about perception. Of course, that just adds more “it is us against the world” fuel to their fire. Sorry for another long post…it is amazing what can happen in less than three days.
I think letters can have a big impact. You've certainly let her know you are committed to the R and that is good. Now its up to her. Let us know how she responds.
Forgot to mention, I love the fact that your W feels she can't go to church anymore because she feels too guilty. Her answer to dealing with that guilt is to stop going to church! That works. Anyone who is not suffering from the WAW mentality might think that if the values you've lived your life by now conflict with the path you are now choosing then maybe you should take a look at that path again. Her answer, shut those values out! It truly is amazing. When I mentioned the moral aspect of cheating to my W (who is doing so) she said "what is morality anyway. People just twist things into whatever they want to do anyway" duh, kind of like you're doing dear! She then told me "it was once moral to lynch black people"! My response (very un-DBlike) was "you really are nuts, aren't you". Sometimes you just got to let it out! But I guess the best thing to do is try not to get too caught up in the inanity of their thinking, oh but I forgot, they are following the heart, not the mind. I guess that trail of pain they are leaving behind them is worth all the bliss they are now enjoying ...NOT. It seems the whole thing is just a lose lose situation. For the life of me I don't see any winners when the dust settles. I think you once asked "am I the only sane one here?" Sometimes it sure feels that way, doesn't it. Just thought I would lay this little rant on you, hope you liked it even if it wasn't very helpful!!!
Yeah…the longer this goes on, the more irrational things I hear and see. I think if you peruse the other threads around here, the stories are pretty darn similar. When my W and I first met, she told me she really had a thing about people who cheated…this probably stemmed from the fact that her most recent boyfriend/almost fiancé cheated on her, which she found out after they broke up. Now…well…I guess they try to rationalize their deeds in some way so as not to have to take the blame for all the destruction they’ve caused. Apparently the guy she’s involved with is a master at this…he even told his W that “God told him he was doing the right thing…” What a trip. I haven’t been a bad H, and my W isn’t trying to deflect her guilt on me…so it is all hitting her square in the face. I’ve never seen W as depressed as she was after the church incident, and she still hasn’t fully recovered. We all went out for a nice family dinner last night and had a great time. My D7 spent a lot of time in the playground with the owner’s grandkids (it is a little more laid back around here) and the W and I had some good conversation. I asked her if she was feeling better, and she said “no”…she could find 2-3 hours each day to take her mind off this terrible sych, but the rest of the time sucked. I said “I thought you were in love…shouldn’t that make you happy?” She said “Yes, it does…but when I’m with him and you know it, it makes me guilty…and when I’m home with you I feel guilty, too…” So…I don’t know what to do right now except keep plugging. I’m being nice, showing her I still care, but keeping some distance. She has spent the last 2 nights at OMs…even though she does come home to the couch around 0200. I will be out of town a lot in the coming month, so she won’t be able to do that...we'll see how that plays out.
