and boy am I alittle scared. I have been on the Surviving thread for 5 years. I was married to my Ex for 20 years together 25. He's living with the O/W but says he's not happy and wants to talk about getting back together. This has happened before.............and he's never been able to leave because he says he can't live by himself.
Anyway to make a real long story short, Tuesday he wants to talk. At first I was excited and things seem to be different so I was thinking maybe this time he will really step up to the plate. But now the more I think about it the more I'm thinking he's not going to be able to do want I need him to do.
I need him to move out of there, I need him to tell me he only wants me and he's sorry for everything he's done. I need him to be a man and have the strength to do whatever it takes. I need to believe him.
I need you people to tell me I'm right!! I know they say not to have any expectations.......and I some what don't. But once again I think I'm going to be dissappointed.
I'm smart, I'm intelligent, I have my act together.....but my heart has still not caught up with my brain. Why do I still have faith in this man? Why?
I jumped over to this thread because in a way I am trying to pierce this back together...............and I think this might be the beginning. But I'm afraid if he doesn't do those things that I have mentioned..........it will be a deal breaker to me and no returning back.
Just need some support and someone telling me I'm not crazy. lol
Gosh, I am not one to give advice but like you, I have heard this "wanting to try" from my H before and those words scare me like nothing else. Maybe it is our hopes and expectations that we can't help having.
We WANT to believe them, we want them to have changed. But you are right, he not only has to say those things but he has to back them up with actions. Consistent action over time to prove he means it. This means ending it with OW, going through OW withdrawl, being open and honest etc.
Sure, they want to jump from one R to another, that way they don't have to be alone,or take care of themselves. But I think they need to be alone to get over one R, learn about themselves, why they did what they did, before they are emotionally available to be in another R. They may not see it this way.
But then some say if you put a lot of demands or conditions on them, it scares them away and puts pressure on them. This is the fine line I struggle with. Because I think we have earned the right to say how we want the R to be. Certain things have to be present and proven by their actions. They can't expect us to just trust them blindly again. But they do, those crazy aliens. Like nothing ever happened.
Sure, it is a risk to you, risking your heart to possibly be hurt again. Are you brave enough to try? Maybe he want to see if the door is still open? Maybe he needs to hear that you would consider it if certain things happened, like getting rid of OW first and going several months with no contact with OW?
It would have to go slow, in steps, maybe that is why it is called piecing? I don't know, I am not there yet.
Just my thoughts! wed
wed2alien
Both 49, M 23 years 3 teens April 2004- bomb, moved out April 2006-Ended with OW for the LAST time May 2006- He wants to work on the marriage!! Nov 2006-- Moved home May 2008- Things still getting better
Welcome FRIEND! 5 YEARS! I certainly do admire your fortitude.
I know you heard it all before, but try not to ponder on what he may or may not do, because we're just no very good at predicting what's gonna happen.
Approach him on Tuesday with an open mind ... a clean slate if you will. Don't worry about those dealbreaker just yet. Hear the man out. It might even benefit you to make a promise to yourself beforehand as to not say too much at all during this talk. Hear what he has to say ... validate where appropriate and if he asks as to what you think, stay with the theme that he has given you something to ponder on and that you will need some time to sort through it all.
You've built of up five years of anticipation about this juncture ... you don't to react or say something on impulse. If he is truly looking to come back, then there will be plenty of time later to workout those dealbreakers ... all in due time.
Piecing is just that ... taking on piece at a time to putting it in the right place.
For now just listen to what he has on his mind and let that lead you to what you feel should come next. If you're not sure ... there's a some good folks here that will help you sort thru it.
If my memory serves me well, I seem to recall you've been in this situation before where he was making moves and then turned around and ran again?
"I need him to move out of there, I need him to tell me he only wants me and he's sorry for everything he's done. I need him to be a man and have the strength to do whatever it takes. I need to believe him. "
Sweetie, the only way you are going to know that he is serious is if he does these things FIRST. Otherwise, he'd be just poking his head out of the tunnel a little, testing the waters, going on a fishing expedition...call it what you like but he ain't serious until he gets his act together.
For my 2 cents, he does this every so often to both test you out and to keep you hanging in there. He knows you are there and just wants to make sure. Until you tell him to take a hike, he's going to keep doing this to you.
By all means, hear him out but don't get roped in. Even you telling him what you want I'm sure he'll take a sure sign that he still has you on a hook.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Friend, I will follow up with the Suit and say actions speak louder than words. This is all you should say to him and then leave it at that. Go on with your life and let him make the move or take action. Then you know he is serious. Good luck to you.
Thank you all, yes, I have been through this before....and you are all right, he is always testing to see if I am willing. And I always am, but he just can't see that! What is he stupid, lol I mean just willing to talk to him, already once saying I was willing, isn't that enough!
But I will do exactly what you've all suggested, I thought about this before, I will sit, I will listen, and then I will watch, to see what his ACTIONS are. And then I will take it day by day. I will go on with my life as if nothing has changed until it does. Meanwhile he will have to chance it that I don't meet anyone else in the meantime. I will not put my life on hold.
I know he's scared, I can see it in his eyes, but he has to get off the fence. I cannot put my heart out there on his confusion.
Thank you all so much................I'll keep you posted.
