I've seen you lurking out there before. Thanks so much for stopping by. It's a journey that isn't over yet!
GH,
Your're the man and thanks. I LOVED your post on Jersting's thread and I added a blurb to it just now. And of course there are lots of golden nuggets in your thread too. Day by day....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Thanks (r.e. my MONSTER post). I feel bad to a certain extent for the first bit about him "not getting it" but I guess it just irks me to put the time into someone's sitch and have them seem to ignore all I said. I don't want to be treated as some kind of expert but if what I do isn't going to help, at least by stiring thought, then I don't need to bother.
You are the man too and I wish you well. It seems from what I have read from you in the past that you have it together. Thank you for helping out those in worse places than you are.
Lol, you are getting as cranky as me In truth, a very big part of your success comes from your willingness to look for the most you can get out of a post, even if you disagree with it at the time. In those cases, sometimes you might find yourself changing your mind, in other cases not. But, you still took as much as possible from the posts. Indeed, when something makes you uncomfortable or angry in a post, you seem to take special care to absorb it and give it careful consideration. Sure, at times you get defensive (who doesn't), but you have always come right back to the subject matter that made you defensive and worked through it, rather than letting the initial defensive reaction be a barrier to progress.
A lot of folks on the boards are stuck in their comfort zone, though the zone often doesn't look too comfy. Let's see. We can identify:
� the long suffering righteous spouse zone � the I'm-so-healthy-admire-me-don't-notice-my-weaknesses zone � the victim zone � the poor-me-I'll-never-trust-or-love-anyone-again zone � the no-one-else-gets-my-sitch zone � the I'm-right-WAS-is-wrong zone � the oh-my-the-depth-of-my-love-can-only-be-proven-by-total-self-sacrifice-and-martyrdom-on-my-part zone � the OP-is-the-evil-source-of-my-problems zone �the S-is-crazy-I-am-too-wonderful-for-words zone ...or its close relative... � the S-is-crazy-why-doesn't-my-condescending-pity-for-S-bring-S-home zone. � the I-can't-base-my-decisions-on-how-to-take-care-of-my-own-happiness-based-on-what-is-actually-happening-because-that-would-mean-it-is-actually-happening zone AKA the ostrich-head-in-sand zone � the I-can't-be-happy-without-S zone � the passive-aggressive-what-a-wonderful-spouse-I-am-I-will-hurt-you-in-a-thousand-invisible-ways-to-extract-my-revenge zone � the when-will-S-finally-rescue-me zone � and, finally, the nearly universal and usually combined with other zones, the I-can't-detach-to-give-S-space-to-grow-and-learn-what-S-wants-for him/herself-because-I-am-too-needy-and-scared-although-I-say-it-is-because-I-can't-love-S-and-be-detached zone
Your secret to success, GH, is that you were NOT all about staying in your comfort zone. It is for that reason that you profited by being shaken up a bit now and then So, if you want to figure out where your posts will be most profitable for others, look for those people who actually get shaken up and challenge you and themselves, rather than those that elicit only defensive, polite, or placating reactions.
BTW, it is great to see you flourishing. We were down your way over TG and caught the "chilly" weather.
OT, yet another classic post. As usual, I am going to copy/paste this one on my thread. I don't really like to make light of people because I KNOW the pain they feel but I also know it took getting my a$$ kicked by NYS, Frank, SS, you and others before I really started DOING something about my sitch other than wallowing in it, and trust me, I was REALLY good at wallowing!
Thanks for the compliments. As I said earlier today, I owe a lot of my success to you and your "pushing me out of my comfort zone." Even when you were the biggest b!tch in the world, as I thought you were at times (right before I realized you were right, lol), you ALWAYS helped move forward and would never settle for me being stagnant.
You knew what I needed in my sitch LONG before I did and your patience with me will never go unnoticed.
me me me! I'm currently trying to get out of... (drum roll please)
� the when-will-S-finally-rescue-me zone
I've gone through a few of the zones, and as AmyC would put in a nutshell: That which you find hard to do, that is EXACTLY what you must do
GH I hear you, many people refuse to see past their pain. There is a time, prob eartlier on the separation, when we, LBS, don't want to understand. I clearly remember sitting at my women's support group, them telling me I had to decide to live a happy life w/or without H and that as soon as I'd give him time and space I'd "flourish", and me telling them "but you dont' understand, I CANT live without him!!" I didnt' get it for weeks, the leader of the group just smiled that smile that said "you poor thing, you just dont want to get it".
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Haven't posted in a while - crazy bunch of weeks post Thanksgiving - and a trip to Ireland for work - just got back the other day.
Slowly, my darlin' and one of my many angels - thanks for the holiday wish - most certainly the same back to you. I owe you much.
For the big news I have to report, I need to dig up a quote from a post from another great DB'r - JustMe:
Quote: Let me ask you this....are you comfortable that you will be together a year or two from now? How long before you feel convinced that she loves you? Have sex/make love? I just think there are a lot of hurdles that still need crossed before taking it for granted that your D is busted.
Well, dare I say it became official last night - short convo that WAW and I had last night:
Note she had not yet fully, verbally �recommitted� to the M. She did that last night. She started by saying that she missed me when I was in Ireland. Then she says, �can I tell you something� � so I responded naturally with �what did I mess up now?�. She laughs and says, �I�m in. I�m ready to jump back in fully (to the marriage)�. I said, �don�t worry, I�ll catch you�. "I love you" she says and then, �please don�t hurt me again�. �I�ve got you�, I responded�then off to bed.
The holidays will present a real challenge but I feel more ready than ever - there is a huge wall up between my sister and WAW and I've asked my sis to make the first move. She's considering, but has not committed. I pulled a bit of a Paul and Anne 180 on my sis and told her flat out that this is what she needs to do - or not - her call but make a call so we can just move on.
So that is my Christmas story.
Keep the faith folks, but never stop growing in yourself. Here's to a happy set of holidays and a wish for a very prosperous 2007.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Awesome Sven and good for you. I saw this day coming for you way back in January on the now infamous "Rack" night with the crazy man. You have one a lot of hard work, many up and downs, and you made it. MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and your family. Talk to you offline in the next few days. Ciao.
In truth, a very big part of your success comes from your willingness to look for the most you can get out of a post, even if you disagree with it at the time. In those cases, sometimes you might find yourself changing your mind, in other cases not. But, you still took as much as possible from the posts. Indeed, when something makes you uncomfortable or angry in a post, you seem to take special care to absorb it and give it careful consideration. Sure, at times you get defensive (who doesn't), but you have always come right back to the subject matter that made you defensive and worked through it, rather than letting the initial defensive reaction be a barrier to progress.
So, if you want to figure out where your posts will be most profitable for others, look for those people who actually get shaken up and challenge you and themselves, rather than those that elicit only defensive, polite, or placating reactions.
Slowly