IS MY MARRIAGE WORTH SAVING???

[hurtingagain]

I was doing so good. Now that H has his house, my D16 has stayed over there more than with me. Over the weekend, she didn't call to say she was staying over there. I've found myself sleeping in more and just feeling LOST..

It's enough to face my M is over, but losing my D16 is hard. She's so disrespectful and a b**ch when she is home, maybe it's better for us to have this time away. I know she feels in the middle of it and is old enough to choose where she lives. H never enforces rules and tries to be her friend not her parent.

Any of you parents with teens got any suggestions on how you kept track of your teen without having check with WAS every time?

[Gwyn]

Mail her a card, a letter or something. Nothing real deep, just a little line letting her know that you're thinking of her. Try also to call her and ask her out for dinner, a "girls" night out.

By the way, you haven't lost your daughter. She isn't lost if you know where she is. She is with her dad, albeit he sounds like a Disneyland dad, but that will backfire. I know, I've been there.

[Dust_In_The_Wind]

H never enforces rules and tries to be her friend not her parent.

Yup, got me a D16 who is the same way....exactly. H is Disneyland Dad to her.....I, on the other hand, have to explain why there isn't enough money to get a pizza for dinner.

When my H first got his condo, D16 was there almost every weekend. This was because H let her have parties and bought everything she wanted. I was so hurt.

I would call her the morning after each party and ask how it went. Always got a 2 or 3 word answer....phone calls lasted less than 5 minutes, with me doing all the talking.

But I just let itself play out. Yes, it took patience. But eventually, D16 began to get aggrevated about how much she had to take to the condo....how much she had to lug up there and she always forgot something important. (This is because H decided NOT to stay in our neighborhood and has a condo 40 miles from our house and D16's school) so it makes co parenting so much more difficult.

Anyway, that was last year.....

This year, she hasn't stayed overnight with him since January. When I ask her why she isn't spending the weekend with H, she tells me she is busy or he is busy, or whatever. I don't know if there are other reasons. (Maybe OW stays there and D16 doesn't like her....I have no idea, because she doesn't tell me). But she seems contented to be in her own room at home these past few months. In fact, she told me the other day that she wouldn't be staying with her dad til after finals (which are the 2nd week of June).

Yes, I wish he would "push" for more time with her. And, yes, I wish I had a weekend where I wasn't chauffering her and friends around to movies, the mall, school events....but I have found that it does no good to "push" her towards something she does not want. I just wish H could see how much he is missing not having her around on a day to day basis.

So I guess I haven't been very much help to you...I just wanted to tell you not to take it personally. 16 yr old girls are very moody. Even my therapist told me not to expect too much in the way of sympathy...they have their own issues and blaming ourselves for their being depressed or cranky is fruitless, mainly because most of the time it has nothing to do with us.

[hurtingagain]

Thanks for your response with the good ideas. You're right that I need to invite her out and plan time for us. When she's home, she's always getting ready to go out with friends and we don't get quality time. I hope that she will agree to go in the future.

My H has been moved out 3 months, so it's good for her to spend some time with him and it's also good for us to have some time apart, since it seems like some arguments more lately. I FEEL like H is trying to get her to stay with him so he doesn't have to pay support. Since she's helped clean up the house he's fixed up from fire, she's gotten paid and he's offered her 10% of profit when they sell it.
He uses money to influence her and like you said, I have to say NO, I can't afford that. She's working for her dad, so she says she wants to stay over there since they start early?

Since my H hasn't been alone since he left, (lived with his brother). I was hoping he'd get some time alone for him to think about it all. It appears now that everything is in his favor. My MIL said, just wait until his girlfriends are around and D16 won't like that or his girlfriends will want D16 out of the way.

I hope that D16 will start coming home more in the future. Thanks for your experience telling me to be patient and give her space and time. Don't push. Sometimes, I feel like pushing her to live with him just to get it over with so I don't have to wait.

No-one's filed yet, but I'm trying to setup consult with atty. I've seen 1 in the past, but still looking to secure one. So I know eventually we need to see where/when she stays for support.

[hurtingagain]

I'm shopping for an atty, but haven't found one yet. H bought him a house, I have our old house. Any knowledge how our bills & money should be during separation? Should he still be responsible for half of our original bills until D is final?

What are other good questions to ask atty about separation issues?

I have 401k, H doesn't. How are these viewed?

Any thoughts are appreciated.

[Gwyn]

Depending on the laws in your state. He may be entitled to half of your 401k. As far as "asking" that your H make the house payment until the D is final, I would not "ask", I would put in my Complaint as a matter of fact along with informing the court that his infidelity is the cause of the D. In my state, and it of course varies from state to state, infidelity is a big NO NO and the court really sympathizes with the victim and the H takes quite a hit on bills and settlement. Also, you have the issue of custody. If you want custody of your daughter, you need to petition for it. This is based on past experierence.

Good luck!

[hurtingagain]

Thursday night, I work for the power company and we had storms, so I worked from 2 pm to 7:30 am Friday morning. I went home, got in bed at 8:00. at 9:30, my D16 comes in to tell me that she is going to Florida with H and they're leaving Sat.

I hop out of bed steaming mad and call H. How can you decide to take my D16 on a trip without letting me know your intentions. I was pissed, so he said he'd only meet in a public place. Met him and we fought out in the parking lot.

He's like you ignore my calls so I didn't tell you. It's like you could leave a msg. He's just playing games!!! AND I COULD xxxxx!!!!! He plays with my head and it's like if you want to play games, we'll play. I have an appt setup to consult with Atty on Tuesday. He's taking my D16, her boyfriend and OW. I can't believe we're not even filed for D and he's taking OW on a family vacation. It's like they just scooted me out and OW has replaced me.
It's such a bomb on this holiday weekend. I try to hold back the tears and hate this MAN!!! When I think he can't hurt me anymore, he find a way to cut DEEP to my soul thru my D16.

Please pray for me!!! I was doing so good GAL and now he hits me with this low blow. I can see he's working to have custody of D16. He just laughed today as I was getting mad. Like "gotta ya"!!!


Tell me he'll get HIS one day!!!! And if you read my post about my D16 drug use, H drug use, her past suicide attempt 1 year ago. I see that H and my interaction is BAD and I worry about her. He is so manipulative!!! Like everyone else has the problem and he's great, what an arogant Bss####.

[ACJ]

HA
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I too have a D16. My H has not taken her away with OW but he did introduce her to her behind my back. At time D16 was very cocky about it and said OW was nice and that I had to move on b/c dad had etc etc. Within a week she had changed her mind. Why? B/c ever since then my H refuses to see her without OW there and D16 just wants to spend quality time with her dad. She doesn't even want to see him with MIL or any other relative there. She feels so strongly about this that although H has been living in his own flat for 3 weeks she has not been to visit like my other children have. She is now telling H that unless he starts to treat me with the respect I deserve she wants nothing to do with him. So what I am trying to say is give it time. D16 is just curious, who would want to turn a holiday down? She will make her own decisions in the end. You should also know that my H and D16 were so close prior to him leaving that it caused probs in our M b/c he always put her needs over and above everyone else's (except his own)

[RBinBR]

Hurting, I'm so sorry to read about what your H is doing to you. He seems to be one of those rare WAS's who, instead of feeling guilty about what he is doing, is enjoying inflicting pain upon you.

At this point, I think you need to focus on protecting yourself. Personally, I don't think you're in an environment where you can continue to have regular contact with your H, as it appears that he is only going to continue to deliberately hurt you.

I think you should seriously consider going completely dark. He can't hurt you very much if you don't talk to him. Have someone else act as a go-between on matters relating to your D.

Unfortunately in custody cases, many judges allow children your D's age to choose which parent they want to live with. You'll find out more when you talk to your atty, but I can tell you that it will help if there is any way you can document the drug use. Unfortunately, in most states, the law doesn't place a lot of importance on infidelity.

Best of luck.

[hurtingagain]

Thanks... I was DARK. I think that's what pissed H off. I wouldn't take his calls. He's liKe I called you and you wouldn't talk to me, so that's why you didn't know I"m taking her. I think he wants to control me and since I've been avoiding him. He wants to draw me back in playing these games.

I have an atty apmt Tues am. I was ready to try to divide things using one lawyer so it could be over. At first I wanted to try to work things out, but after he told me he cheated on me 3 mos after we were married, that made my mind up. IT'S OVER, it's like H was never in the marriage and deceived me for 24 years. I don't think he likes me deciding, he wants to be the one to decide. And I'm wondering if he's trying to piss me off for his own use in our divorce. So he can say she gets so pissed and angry, D16 should be with me. He's a very manipulative person and I HATE the way he's manipulating my D16. He's screwing with her mental health so bad, but he don't care. She's a pawn in HIS game.

I want out of this marriage and I don't want to have to talk to him. I want him out of my life. He disgust me and I don't even want his last name. He's embarrassed HIS family so much. We have a unique last name and he's known even though we live in outside of Indianapolis.

I'm so tired of him stirring up anger and guess I'll have to play hardball. One atty said that we could set it up that he'll have to be drug tested in order to have D16 with him and if he fails. I drink occasionally and she told me I'd have to remove everything from the house. I have a wine fridge that I need to empty. I hate this because I know it'll drag the D out and we'll truly HATE each other when it's over.

My other option is to NOT mention her rehab or H drug abuse and just get it done. She may choose to live with him. Some people say she'll get tired of H having his women around and feel she's in the way. It's like he wants to HURT me by taking D16 away.

I was truly hoping once he got his house. He'd have some time alone to think about it all. But since D16 is over there and his ho's, he's never alone. He's someone that can't be alone. He says that OW he's going on vacation is no-one to him. But he'll bring her into my D16 life anyway and use this OW until someone else better comes along. I know H is MLC because he's so much worse that he ever was and out of his MIND!!!

I say it'd been so much easier to be a WIDOW!!!! I can't believe how bad things were and now I can look back and see how mentally and emotionally abused I've been during this marriage. He isolated me from people. He never wanted to do anything with other couples or such. It has been a SAD existance. My commitment to my M, Christian values and all kept me with him thru hell.



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