Yet Another #$%&#! Chapter

[SAhDaddy]

Since I haven't been around much lately, a brief update:

Me 49, Stay at home dad, W 38. Married 11 yrs, together 13. Two young kids, S5, D2.

Last June I discovered wife was involved in an EA with her colleague. It became a PA in August. We neared divorce in October, but W balked when I informed her that I would fight for primary custody of the kids. We agreed to put things on hold over the holidays. And things have pretty much been in an open marriage limbo ever since.....until now.

W had been spending the night once a week at OM's house (He's 36, never married, no kids) sometimes two. We have been sleeping in the same bed, and living a cordial relationship primarily for the sake of our kids.

We finally had an R talk on our wedding anniversary (3/1) and at that time W had informed me that she was still up in the air about the OM and how things would all play out.

Given the circumstances lately, I was feeling like perhaps things between W and OM were cooling off. And indeed, she had advised me that the initial hormonal rush of a new love had subsided and she also revealed that OM, rather than being a super love god, was essentially another me....

I figured that my DBing, and the strong pull of holding our family together for the sake of the kids would tip things in my favor. So I waited it out.

Last night, however, she blurted out that we need to talk. She had seen our marriage counselor recently and asked him if he would sit with OM for some reason. The MC said he would do it, but he would need my okay.

She went on to advise me that she can't take the current arrangement and feels its time to move on with the divorce. She advised me that OM is having a hard time dating a married woman and that she needs to get out of this limbo we're in, however comfortable it may be.

Let me tell you, this feeling is no less devastating the second time around. I knew it was a possibility, but deep down I didn't think she could go through with it...especially when it meant losing her kids at least 50% of the time.

I am writing, because this place was a place of solace for the first terrible months after the bomb was dropped, and I need to come back again to be part of this community for some sort of healing.

I must say, unfortunately, that it is not so much my marriage that I loathe to lose, W has done plenty of harm to deplete my love bank, but the loss of daily contact with my kids is just devastating to me.

I need your support and prayers. I have not given up hope yet, but things have not been this bleak in a long time.

More later.....

[grasshopper]

Daddy,

I remember you from when you were posting before. I am really saddened to hear this about your sitch. I know your daily interaction with your kids means the world to you but unfortunately it's only possible because of something that may no longer exist, your marriage.
I AM NOT saying there is no hope, only that one of the things that seems to help some of us (not me yet mind you) is to accept what IS and what is NOT. This does not mean give up hope, just give up clinging to something that you cannot control and letting it bring that which you CAN control down. You CAN CONTROL the way you behave and how you project yourself into the world. Try to stay positive, even though it seems like everything is coming crashing down on you.

Those are big ideas from me, especially since I fear the same exact thing and to this point, my sitch is very much like yours. The main exception is that my W does not spend the night with OM. My W seems to be open to "US" but not in so many words and I fear the next set of bombs could fall at any moment. What I constantly tell myself though is that the damage is already done. The possibility exists for me not to see my boys (S3 & S5) daily RIGHT NOW, the fact that my W and I co-habitate and are nice to each other DOES NOT mean I have a marriage. I need to accept that along with the fact that for my W, our marriage is something that is FAR from a certainty. For her, life has possibilities, ones that DON'T include me. I need to realize that MY life has possibilities too, maybe not the ones I want, but ones that WILL fulfill me AND include my boys.

I am trying to tell you things that will help but honestly your sitch scares the hell out of me because it could happen to me at any point.
All I can say is that now, more than ever, your kids need you to be strong. Their mother is doing something that could make you angry, resentful, absent, or any other negative, destructive emotion around them. Don't let that happen.

As for your marriage and R with your W, there is ALWAYS hope. Remember, these people don't know what they want. One day they want OM, the next they are thinking about giving "us" a try. They don't always communicate these swings, but I'm sure they feel them.

Try to have faith that you will be ok. I have faith that you will. I will be here, as will we all should you need us.

GH

[RBinBR]

Can you kick her out now? Make her see what it will be like to live with the OM full time?

I see no point in continuing to have her around the house, and you have to do a big 180 now, because what you have been doing is obviously not working and you're running low on time.

Your use of the words "love bank" tell me that you've read Harley's stuff. He calls it Plan B. Michele calls it the "after the last resort" technique. Whatever you call it -- it's time to try, don't you think?

[grasshopper]

RB,

Your use of the words "love bank" tell me that you've read Harley's stuff.

Not necessarily. I know of a couple authors that use that terminology/concept. I think the Five Love Languages does and at least one other book I have recently read.

Anyway, I don't know that "throwing her out" is necessarily the right thing to do, but I do agree that a change of some sort is in order. Since there seems to be a predominant feeling around here that having the WAS living in the house is a good thing, maybe he ought to set some REAL boundaries and let her be the one to bring her exodus on herself.
The one that comes to mind would be that no longer is it acceptable that she have these slumber parties with OM.

GH

[RBinBR]

Actually, 5 Love Languages calls it "love tank" -- same concept, though.

GH, he's been DB'ing since last June, and has lost ground. I don't see how he can stop her from spending the night with OM, because I think she's going to do that. I think he needs to make her spend every night with OM. He's got to do a big 180 if he's going to have a chance. There's a reason that Michele has the "after the last resort" technique in her arsenal.

[grasshopper]

Ok, sounds like you are more familiar with his sitch than I. Carry on...
I do have one question though; has he been DBing WELL, and EFFECTIVLY for that much time or just trying to DB without really sticking to it like many of us? That question goes to OT's question she posed to Tim yesterday. She asked him if, after having to go the distance and talk to lawyers, etc, basically start down the divorce road HIMSELF, whether it would have been better to have REALLY given his W the space and detached before it got that far?
That's all I am saying. Did he honestly do all he could before "kicking her out?".

NOW, I don't know how well I would do if my W was having sleep-overs with OM. I know for me, that is a boundary that I don't think I could cross so it may be a moot point.

GH

[SAhDaddy]

Thanks for responding GH and RB. I needed to speak to someone and I actually feel better today. If I would have any advice for a newcomer here, it would be that things get easier over time....

I was dealing quite well with my sitch, but I also suspected that things were moving in my favor, so the revelation that W was ready to get back to divorcing was quite a shock and took me back to that fateful day last June...

I still don't believe that her relationship with OM will last any longer than any other extramarital affair, but again (say ad nauseum) I don't want my kids involved in all of this.

With regards to reading 'Harley', I haven't. I have read "The Five Love Languages" and I have heard of Harley's stuff from here and other places. In reading the "Divorce Remedy" I have found no reference to kicking cheating spouses to the curb.

Kicking my wife out wouldn't help my sitch much. First, W is the sole breadwinner now for the last five years. I have no job, and at 49, little prospect to find a great position like I once had so easily. Secondly, if I kick her out, that means I would be kicking my kids out part of the time too, something I loathe to do. Especially because when W moves out, she will move in with OM, and I am in no hurry to have my kids exposed to that amoral a**hole.

As far as being the good DBer, I would give myself a B-. I have attempted getting a life. I am back in school working towards a second degree with better job prospects and I have joined a band - something I've wanted to do for about 30 years. I stopped begging and crying and talking about the OM and generally became my cheating spouses' friend. I have tried to follow the example of successful DBing oldtimer, MF, who also had a cheating wife whom he won back with his DBing skills. If you haven't read his posts, look him up. If you can't find it, post a request here and I will find the link....Very inspirational.

Yes, I could have done better, but I did alright, and I believe my actions kept my W here many more months than anyone would have expected given the blind hormonal love W had for OM. She remained here until that blind love subsided, and I credit DBing and giving her her space for that.

THere are other interesting circumstances surrounding all of this drama which I am still not fully apprised of, and I will update here when I know more.

Thank you again for your kind words of support. I certainly need it. I hope to hear from more of you soon...

[Tim297181]

OK this sitch sounds way to similar to mine! I am 35 2 young kids 2 and 4 yrs old. Married 8 yrs!

My W had sleep overs with the OM in front of me. Majority of the time we slept together at home also. I tried to DB/DR! I found it hard to detatch.

I finally was able to detatch when I said I deserve better than this, and the life my W is leading is not in reality and is a bunch of crap.

So to detatch I lost my emmotional dependancy on my W. She could do anything she wanted but I was not going to be emmotionally dependant on her or let her be dependant on me. I was not going to hide what she was doing to anyone anymore, and I wanted to live my life and see if I could be happy without her. For me that meant talking to a lawyer and truly excepting a D.

When that happened my W fell apart. Reality hit her on the side of the head and she realized that what she was doing was wrong and was hurting alot of people.

Now looking back and talking to my W about it, she really needed a kick in the butt. She knew she had me at home and could escape reality and be with the OM also without any real consequences to her actions. She thought at the time it was cool! Have some fun with the OM, I helped her hide it, and have me on the side when needed! Have her cake and eat it too!

I believe your W needs to be called out on all this. You deserve better! YOU HAVE TO DECIDE THAT! Does that mean going to a lawyer? If that is what you want then do it. Can it be done without going that far...Heii yah!
I would say no more sleeping together, I would personally treat like I would treat a good friend, and that is it.

Accept the fact that D is reality. Embrace the idea of D and don't be sad about it. Life will go on without your W. The big D is not your goal or you would not be here on this board, and i am not saying pursue a D. Just lead your life as if your W and you were D. Give her a taste of what reality is. It worked with my W. Don't be mean or cruel! Think of how you would act years from now for the sake of the kids around your W and do it now. It is a 180. Still be available to your W. Don't shut her out completely. Let her see you moving forward, and still have a door open to her.

Will this work for your W? I am not sure but it will give you clarity for the future. D or recouncil you will be stronger as a person! And oh yah to heii with the OM going to the same councilor with her! Is he your M councilor or for the dysfunctional R they have! Maybe harsh but that is what I think!

[SAhDaddy]

Thanks, Tim. I remember posting on your thread back in early January when you first arrived here. I've not been around for a while and just spent some time catching up on your sitch. First of all, congratulations. Its so nice to hear success stories.

I don't know how much detail I went into up above, but I had seen a lawyer several times and was about two days away from filing back in October when W freaked out and asked me to hold off on things. SHortly after that she told me that she still had hope for us....then continued to run off for weekly overnights with OM.

I hung in there, and with each passing day I felt that perhaps we could work things out.

But W is again saying that we should get on with the divorce. She mentioned that her 'ultra moral' OM is having a hard time continuing to date a married woman. I'm wondering if this isn't her primary reason for saying she's ready for the big D.

So, I don't know if she'll crumble at the sign of a divorce decree a second time. Like your situation, we are still hiding W's 9 month affair from our families. I have lied for her when her mother called on a few occasions when she was with OM...

It still seems possible that could change - stranger stuff has happened....Just tonite she was relating a conversation she had with her girlfriend who's parents separated for a year after mom's infidelity, but eventually got back together and are still together 20 years after their problems. W told the girlfriend that that story still gives her hope for her marriage and family.

An hour after telling me that story she put the kids to bed and headed off to OM's bachelor pad for the night.

I had pretty much prepared myself for divorcing and the child custody tragedy back in October, but this second time around is just as disconcerting.

I have decided that I will not sit around and go through this a third time. Something has to give.

I just can't bear the thought of giving up my kids, or worse, having OM be stand in daddy while they're with mommy. How does one cope with this?

[Tim297181]

First and foremost is no one can ever replace you as your kids father! You have proved how great a father you are! In the middle of all this it is hard to see, but you must know that your kids will always see you as their Dad!

The OM defintely is not ultra moral! Far from it! If he had morals he would back off, allow your W to save her M, or wait for the D. My W told me the same thing about the OM. That he hated dating a married woman and pushed her to talk to a lawyer and go for a D, but was not ready for any long time commitment! And our W think we were controlling!

I would also stop hiding her affair! I would not go out and tell everyone...far from it! I would talk to people that you trust and believe will suport you and your W. This is what destroyed my W. She knew what she was doing was wrong, but had no consequences! Everyone thought all was well with us. As soon as people knew the truth she had consequences. Reality was now in play!

I am not sure if that would work with your W. Everyone needs consequences to their actions. I did not want to admitt that my W was having an affair also. Once I did the support came pouring in and i felt whole as a person again. In a way I was in denial also.

You are a good person for fighting for your M! Never forget that! You will always be a good father and your kids will love you for that! Be good to yourself!