Quote: sigh, I know, I just feel "duty bound"....and you are exactly right, h doesnt like them. long and not so pretty story..... I guess part of the duty bound part comes from the guilt trip of my mother .
Deb - you are your own person now. I mean, I certainly do visit some family members (even when I'd rather stay home) because who knows how long they'll be there? But if I don't care for an uncle and aunt, I don't feel duty-bound to visit them. Why add more stress if you don't like them?
Also - go see a movie or something. Do something fun for yourself this week! If your hubby doesn't go, there isn't a reason not to have a good time on your own. A matinee, a nice (not necessarily pricey) dinner, etc. You've been through so much, and it's time to start de-stressing (working out, having fun, etc.).
I know dfb, I am my own person now, but I find it a tough decision. neither my parents nor this aunt/uncle will be around a lot longer, when I was young we spent a lot of time together, some of it very weird and difficult, some of it great. so I don't know...I missed the rsvp date, so maybe the decision is made for me.
ok gang, I need some insight or a 2x4 or something here to help me get my head on straight. I really don't know what to think this afternoon......
one little tidbit that I forgot to mention, over the weekend I noticed on h's side of the dresser one of those dumb little trinket things, a "pocket cross" with a cross cut out in center of a fake coin-like piece of metal. I mention this because I haven't seen it before, and "they" used to exchange that kind of jr. high junk. also, H occasionally makes noises about working weekends again, although he hasnt.
Last night, I was exhausted and hadnt felt well for some reason all day. after dinner, about 8:30, I told H I was just going to go read in bed for a couple of hours. H went to work out, but was upstairs in less than an hour. 1st thing he said was "you need to be working out"....he's right, I do, I've been miserable at it for the last month, and I replied "yes, you're right, I do, and I intend to get back more regularly".....
H got in bed and held me, closely, and stroked my arm and back for a long time. long enough I found myself thinking I needed a breather, which is really unusual. we talked....I dont' know how it started, but he said something to the effect that he appreciated that I loved him, and that he knows that I do. I asked him how he knows now, what was different, when he evidently didnt understand that before. H said "because you stood by me through all of this, and loved me anyway no matter what"....and you are always concerned about me and how things affect me, it's not just about you". I said I do worry about him, and even when he was with monster and so upset, I worried about what it was doing to him apart from us. H commented how with her it was always about what she could get and what it was in it for her, and how badly she hurt him. Said somewhere in there that I take care of him and "that's another way of showing love for someone". Said "she's just a mean dirty whore and I hate her"....the last part pretty vehemently. H initiated ml, but had a hard time "finishing"....
I know he had a hard time sleeping, and asked me several times in the night to hold him. i know I woke up once and he was....ummmmm....can't remember the slang, so I'll just say it....masturbating....which struck me as odd, and he asked me what was wrong (??? )...told him I had a pin in my shoulder that woke me up (true)
h was ok this morning, said ILY before work....sooooooooo, fast forward then to this afternoon. I was busy all morning and didnt email him nor get any from him. had a meeting from just before noon that I got back from at about 2:30. As I was walking in, I happened to glance down the hallway ahead of me...through glass panes in 2 doors, and who do I see but monster, with a guy walking behind her into her office. I couldnt tell if it was h or not, actually it didnt occur to me till a bit later that it might have been, my initial impression was that the guy was shorter and stockier but his walk was a lot like H's and he had on a similar colored shirt....
get to my office, see H had sent an email about 1 saying he was scheduled to meet with his supervisor at 2....at 2:45, shortly after I got back to my desk and had seen monster and "the guy", H's supervisor was up here by my office, so H wasn't meeting with him then. got a brief email about 3, saying that he needed to make phone calls and would email more later, heard monster being paged about 3:30.
I did have the thought that he surely wouldnt be going into here office with the other nurse there, but then realized the other nurse is gone today. havent heard anymore from H, I did check the schedule and he has an appt. at 4....
I don't know if I'm overreacting, or what. It was a year ago this coming Sunday I found the emails monster had sent him last year on our anniversary, and that still stings. Stings even more around the "anniversary" times. I don't know if I should ask/confront him or just ignore. no I can't control his behavior, and the classic question, would it get me closer to or further from my goal, I'm not sure about. asking him will probably irritate him, but I'm kind of in a weird place these days, because I just really don't know how much more I have the patience to take if he's back with her. I can't imagine life with out him, but this is just wearing me out after so much time. I still love him and want him, but why doesnt he let me know without a doubt that it's over for good.....maybe he thinks he has, I dont know.
If it had been him walking into monster's office, would I have instantly recognized him? I think so, but I was so caught off guard, I dont' really know what to think. That another part of the problem, I don't even trust my own perception of reality anymore.
Do I ask him if he was in her office? I suppose he'll not only get angry, but lie.
the thought occured to me last night as I was reading, I glanced at his brief case in it's usual spot in the bedroom, and the thought occured to me that I bet I could open it, stick my hand in the pocket where he always kept the damn emails and pictures and letters, and pull out another handful. didnt, because I also thought I couldnt take it.
I also had the thought last night and this morning that he must have been looking at "stuff" from her or emails or emailing or "something" for him to be in the kind of mood he was when he came upstairs. I guess it's really a act of "rope dropping" to be able to just go to bed and read, and not particularly worry about it at the time. Or maybe it's just being foolish and naive. i really don't know what to think any more.
Geez, Deb, could you ASSume any more!!!!!!!! Plus, there's no WAY you wouldn't have instantly recognized your H if that was really him. Quit torturing yourself - AND your H. Go home tonite and ACT AS IF, and that's an ORDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Quote: Geez, Deb, could you ASSume any more!!!!!!!!
UMMMMM-probably...I am trying to resist the challenge. I'm not sure what's wrong with me that I've gotten off on the wrong foot so much lately.
I guess something's different, again, and I can't put my finger on it. I just get "antsy", it takes absolutely nothing to stir it all up still, which is not good, I know.
I wish I could trust him, I guess that's the gist of it all. I certainly don't, and from my perspective he isnt particularly concerned about it (he may see it differently, admittedly) I guess part of what makes me so antsy is my own ambivalence about staying or going if he goes back to her. It's been darn near a year since he stopped doing "paperwork" on weekends, but it still just drives me over the edge when he says anything about it. I don't know how to ask him for reassurance, if it's time to, or really even what it would take to reassure me although wearing his wedding ring would be a start.
changing the subject: I'm thinking about how to build more activity into my day (physical, I mean). If a person did some resistance training with bands for 20 - 30 minutes in the middle of the day, is that any good if you don't work up a sweat? I'm thinking i could maybe do that at lunch some days, but hate to get too sweaty...don't know if it does any good if you don't.
So Ellie, you think I would have recognized him instantly? I hope so...I do think this guy was shorter...
Do you think all the stuff last night sounds really weird? second thoughts? reaffirming? I dunno. and the really weird one, why would he ml and then a few hours later be entertaining himself in the middle of the night? sorry to be dense, I'm just so clueless anymore.
was reading part of always 14's thread, and it all sounds so much like what's going thru my mind right now, the anger...etc....
Plus, bits and pieces that have always puzzled me keep falling into place. like duh, for some reason this past weekend it hit me, used to always drive me nuts that he would make an extra trip into town to get gas...never could figure out why he did that (other than the obvious 3 hour trips)....it had to be so he could call her. dddddddduuuuuuhhhhh.
I know part of what really made me nuts this past weekend was his 3-hour walk in the rain.
Hi deb, STOP THE TORTURE. Easier said than done....I still do it too. The way I see it, H is in some sort of weird mode right now, and it's ready to be honest or cut the cord. Have you thought more about leaving for a few days? Just for a break for you? Memorial Day is coming up, that could be nice. Just to help you push back to detaching again. Think about it.
Something you said really struck me. The fact that you don't trust your own perception of reality anymore. Last week, I drove to my hotel crying, and I realized that it wasn't because I was angry at the A, jealous of OW, racked with sadness rage at the A--but because I felt CRAZY...genuine, real craziness. I felt hysterical, anxious, and unable to discern reality from imagination or lies, this fictional reality that H presented to me and I forced myself to believe. I felt hysterical b/c all day I pushed myself into a world that was reality...my job....one where I was a professional doing a job that I was good at...but then I flip to this issue, and I don't know what is real or fake, I don't know what my role is, I feel like a failure all the time and I'm always wearing masks and acting. Pretty soon the 2 worlds collide and I find myself unable to flip and I always feel like I'm floating in a world of lies.
I realized that when I demanded to know the truth through snooping or asking questions, it wasn't to find the truth and satisfy me or confirm doubts....I could care less how horrible it was, I didn't care if I could handle it....it was because, no matter how bad, I wanted so desperately to grasp onto some sliver of reality...or, shall I say, my sanity.
Not to babble about my stuff for no reason, but I see where you are now. It's like your mind is a rat on a wheel, and you're getting dizzy.
My advice: stop thinking about it, stop ASSuming (like Ellie said), wait for the facts ,they will come, and get away for a bit....find ways to detach.
You said that H goes on long walks...how about you do the same, without him. Fresh air, and a good walk (30 min) will be GREAT for you. Can you take a walk with a co-worker at lunch? H will also get the hint that you're GAL and taking your health into your own hands, with others and enjoying it. Don't need him to push you on that matter.
Tomorrow, how about grabbing a friend and walking for 30 min....just once a week to start. Please??!!
Hi Always, wow, we were cross posting. you described it to a T when you talk about feeling crazy, and going back and forth into different realities. I could never put it into words, but that is it exactly. yes, I will get out and walk a bit tomorrow. I have to start doing some of that stuff (more of that stuff)....
I swear, it's like you're inside my mind (you poor thing!)...well, I'm gonna go home and put up shelves in S's room. maybe that will keep my mind off of all of this.
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I mean, I certainly do visit some family members (even when I'd rather stay home) because who knows how long they'll be there? But if I don't care for an uncle and aunt, I don't feel duty-bound to visit them. Why add more stress if you don't like them?