Feeling Alone in my marriage

[HSSweetheart]

My H and I were separated for 90 days over the summer, he came back in Sept. Thought he wanted to work on the marriage at first, but slowly his emotions disappeared. I just returned from a trip to St. Louis on Wed. Since then we have not spent any quality time together. Every night something else happens. Today being Sat and an unusually warm day I wanted to do something and spend time together finally. Instead he was out all day. I made dinner, figuring that would be time together as a family. Then I got a call to have a bbq at his sisters-a place I do not like to go. It is a group he continues to hang out with since the separation and drink. I am totally an outsider when I try to fit in and go. I was never consulted about this, just told. I confronted him about it and that I wanted to spend time w/him. He doesn't care. He says I would rather be in the house and basically that I am no fun. Felt great. I just have not felt any emotion from him in some time and I cannot get him to discuss anything. He says we don't discuss, we fight. I CAN discuss, he cannot. He is not even willing to try. Yes, we had a few counselling sessions, and then he refused to go, even when I found a new counsellor. Seems he is not willing to do anything and is cold as can be. I just feel totally unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. I have told him that if he leaves again it will be for good, so think wisely before making that decision. He hides his feelings and once in a while lets something slip. Once in Dec he said he didn't want a divorce to upset the kids and to waste our 22 yrs together. But what kind of life is this for me? I love him but do not feel loved by him. It feels one sided. My sister in law asked me once if I could live with that. I keep hoping that it is a phase but it doesn't seem to change. I am a highly emotional person and need to know where I stand. I aked him when he came back home to not hold anything inside and I would do the same, whether or not it would hurt me, but apparently he has not done that. He is still keeping all feelings locked up tight. What can I do, can anyone relate??

[Sweet_Heart]

I was looking at your old posts because we have similar names. I was encouraged by your progress and wondering how you were doing. My H came back (rushed is more like it) after 6 weeks of being seperated. After 3 days I knew he was on his way out the door again (and sure enough after 2 weeks he left).

I have no insite only to say that I think that saying ,if he leaves again thats it, is a mistake. These people are going through something that I don't understand and don't enjoy being effected by. But there are people here that have gotten through it. And so can we!

I think it is unwise to make him choose between his sister and you.

Don't take everything so personal, don't base your feelings off of his reaction to you. Be in control of your own emotions. We can both do this! Stay strong!

[HSSweetheart]

Thank you for the support, I am really down and need it right now. I feel like I am going through this all over again. I just don't understand him and he won't let me. That is the most frustrating to me. I feel all alone and I hate that. I am starting into my old ways again--not eating, exercising and being a clean freak. Mostly it all keeps me occupied to try not to constantly think about my situation. For dinner I had a clementine and 4 baby carrot sticks. I lost over 20 lbs when he left but gained it all back and then some, so I need to lose it anyway.
Today he acted like nothing was up. I just didn't say anything. My daughter repeated to my H something she said to me about what if I married the neighbor. He laughed. I commented that Daddy wouldn't care and he said nice bust. But he really wouldn't I feel. Is it so much to ask to be loved? I love him but don't like him very much right now. These usually are the only times he will talk to me, when I am giving him the silent treatment. I am very good at feeling sorry for myself. I say its from practice. I still have my meds but really don't want to go back on them. But I may have to again. I have two kids I must still be there for. It isn't just about me anymore. Thanks for listening.

[brandnewday]

Hey,
Nice to see you are back.
Sorry that you are having some issues with your marriage but these are to be expected, they are bumps in the road.
It is how you choose to work them out that will determine your future.
Your separation and your reconcilliation was very fast, and I honestly don't believe that either of you truly worked on the issues that got you to that place.
Neither of you really changed and you both just covered things up hopeing that you could move on.
Now is the time to get a hold of yourself and stop being anxious. You already did that route, now don;t go back.
What changes did you make the last time?
Are you maintaining them?
You have to continue to work on yourself and never become complacent.
Reread DR and DB and go back to what you were doing before to help win your husband back.

[Sweet_Heart]

My daughter repeated to my H something she said to me about what if I married the neighbor. He laughed. I commented that Daddy wouldn't care and he said nice bust.

I can't believe you said this to your D. Keep the children out of this, shame on you! That would have been bad enough to just say to your H but you took it even further. Get Divorce for Dummies and look up the chapter on dealing with children.

Get back on your Meds or talk to your Dr don't self medicate (did you go to med school?). Do you have depression or something? How do you expect your H to love you when you don't love yourself?

Sorry for the harsh words but I feel really strong about this.

[HSSweetheart]

Not sure what you are referring to. My D made the comment to me at night, and again the next day to my H. When he chuckled about it I made the comment that he wouldn't care.

Anyway, I was on meds when he left before. I spoke to my Dr who told me to wean off. I can start them up again as needed. I have worked on myself and am stepping it up a bit now. I am just frustrated that I do not get the same commitment from my H. Last night was better. He called at lunch and asked if I wanted to meet at a restaurant that I had suggested days earlier. That showed some effort on his part. And we were intimate as well. It is just too few and far between for my liking is all. And I know I should curb my tongue, sometimes it is just so hard. And he doesn't curb his. Yes, I am going to go back and reread the book, I need to. It was very helpful the first time. It is just so tiring. And I did work on myself VERY much and have made many strides. I just don't think it is reciprocated. Without truth and communication I don't see how it will last the test of time. Just my opinion.

[brandnewday]

Your daughter is a non issue but the fact that she is probably repeating the things you say is a problem.

You need to keep working on you, and stop worrying about your husband and what he is doing or saying.

You still seem very insecure about things and you can not count on your husband to fill each of your needs. It puts too much pressure on him and you will find yourself back in the same place you came out of.

Do some things for yourself.
Maybe join a gym or something. You said you gained back some of the weight you lost, do something for you.

[HSSweetheart]

I am happy to report that things are on a good high right now. I stepped it up a bit. Working on the diet, but of course we all know how hard that is! Had my 40th b-day over the weekend and he threw me a surprise party at a restaurant. Very nice! I have noticed with my improved behavior he has been much more attentive as of late. Runs fingers through my hair and on my face in the morning and cuddles up to me in bed-something that had lapsed that I truly missed. I also re-started my meds to see if they really make a difference or not. 1/2 dose as I was on before I weaned off them. I still attend my support group meetings on a fairly regular basis each week. (And I ALWAYS promote this site!!)

How's everyone else doing?

[HSSweetheart]

Today has been a good day again. Still keeping up a good attitude. Still trying to act "as if" at times when I do not get the emotional responses I desire. Last night while the family watched a movie I climbed into his lap. He repositioned me and began patting my bottom. This may not seem like much but any affection is wonderful and soothing. He watched tv in bed with me last night and was spooning and cuddling all night. This doesn't happen as much as it used to so I truly appreciate it. He was very affectionate. I try to survive and not get miserable between his affectionate stages. Seems to be working, as long as I don't go off on a tangent it seems his demeanor stays even as well. And we even had a minor incident at a wedding last weekend, so I thought that we would be miserable for a while afterwards, but I stepped it up right after. He was also drinking at the wedding so I think that contributed to both the incident as well as the quick recovery. It just seems that when something happens he is quick to say we "never" saw eye to eye and that we "always" fight on holidays or outings like that. I always say that is wrong and I remain calm and reasonable, not like the old me. Seems to really help, even if it is hard sometimes. I calmly explain my version of events or how it made "me" feel with "I" statements. Very effective most of the time, even if he doesn't necessarily agree with me. And p.s., I have lost 5 lbs to date on my diet. God is it hard at times! But summer is here!

[HSSweetheart]

Lost another pound! Slow but sure. Things are still going well. Amazing the different attitude I get from my H when I step it up. Why didn't I wake up to this years ago?