Hi lmdi Thanks for checking in. I was actually just reading up on your thread, sorry to hear that you are having a rough day, and I hope that it goes well with your H tonite. I haven't been posting, just reading a bit. Every time I try to post I tend to get into too many details and feel like I am rambling so I delete it! I am very new to this, but I love reading all of the wisdom that everyone here offers to each other. Hoping that someday I am thinking clearly enough to offer some myself! LOL Your phone call the other night was pretty crazy huh? My H reached out over the weekend, broke it off with OW, spent the night with me, was acting like he was coming around. But I blew it. I did exactly what the DB books say NOT to do when your spouse starts to come around. Overly enthusiastic, even pressure. I even told him not to break my heart again. I don't know why I say what I say. I am so GOOD at dbing until he shows signs of the H I always knew and loved, then I backslide majorly. Then, the next day, our D and I went to his apartment for breakfast, and I laid on his bed with her, and could smell OW's perfume. I didn't freak out but I made joking comments about it, sorta teasing him. Still inflicting guilt, I'm sure. In fact, he then began to act really wierd, so I OFCOURSE started in on questions, pointing out how attracted to each other we are, how much we mean to each other, blahblahblah. Even told him we should just "fix this, go to counseling, whatever, etc" See, I AM insane!! I then spent the whole afternoon sick to my stomach, trying to think of a way to fix what I had done, so like an idiot decide I will tell him how while we were apart I found myself attracted to someone else, thinking both that it might level the playing field for him (since it seems like his guilt is overwhelming him) and I guess maybe make him think about how he could lose me. BIG MISTAKE. He changed his tone immediately, pulled back completely, basically ran back to OW the next day (I think!) and wrote me a letter two days later (didn't even give to me, I found in the garbage - by accident) saying how he was thinking of getting back with me b/c the baby said she missed him, but the guilt of liking another woman is "unbearable", he shouldn't like anyone else EVER. So when I said I liked someone else, (even though I explained it to him as that I was confiding in a coworker who actually reminds me of HIM, and thought for a while that I might be interested in him, as I had just found out about OW, but eventually realized that it was the similarities to my H and my own hurt and confusion that made me feel that way) he felt like - what is the point? He seems to feel like b/c he is into this OW, and b/c I was temporarily attracted to a male friend, that we could never work it out. As if our M would be tainted or something.I think he said "it could never work if either one of us is even slightly interested in someone else" I flipped out on him then, telling him that he is into her b/c she is easy to be around - no guilt or painful memories, and besides, he cannot be that into her, as they have only known eachother since Xmas, and so far on average every 10-15 days he either tries to sleep with me, or does. He calls me for silly reasons. Texts me in the middle of the night. I mean, she is NEW to him, should he really be so into ME right now, unless he has serious feelings left for me?? He claims it is just "sexual attraction" HELLO?!?! And in his letter said he could never get past my having "liked someone else". Why would he care if he was just getting back for the baby's sake? See how long!?!? Sorry! Anyway, it has become apparent to me that my H has ALOT of emotional maturing to do. I regret telling him about the other guy (btw, it was nothing really AT ALL, I pumped it up a bit for the purposes of the aforementioned STUPID intentions, which I revealed to him after the letter, in fact at that point I told him that I was never really attracted to him at all, that I like talking to the guy cuz he seems to have alot of insight - he is alot like my H only 22 years older, and divorced twice! this is true.) but I am blown away by his reaction to the whole thing, no matter how dumb it was on my part. I tried to be open with him after the letter, I even told him that part of it was to make him jealous, that i have been nothing but confused and freaked out since we separated, which is why things feel "differant btw us" as he says. He seems to think that we are doomed, but until he recommits to this M, OFCOURSE it will feel that way!! How could things possibly feel normal btw us while this is all going on, without us agreeing to reconcile? I also love the way he tries to act like our daughter is the only reason he was going to try to work things out, yet he cannot keep his eyes or his hands off of me. He is in such denial, and lying to himself. In your opinion, can I now, after all that, now launch into a "last resort technique" - I vented quite a bit, and let my true feelings show, which I haven't in QUITE some time, so I thought maybe now would be a good time to sorta plant the seed in his head that maybe I have had an "awakening" as the book refers to, as if I have reached my limit and am now ready to move on with or without him? I mean, do you think I blew it for good? I am so sad, not only b/c part of me feels like I have ruined our chances, but also b/c I am having very little faith in my own ability to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT!!! He flirts, reaches out a bit, ANYTHING, and I lose my self control. It is awful. Especially since I realize that it is now or never. I need to do this right before i lose the man I love forever, if I haven't already. He is really pretty far gone. Such pressure!! Thanks for reading this giant mess. I will check back with your thread tomorrow and try to offer as much support as I can muster, maybe it'll turn out I am better at advising others than I am at my own life.
Hey flutter- First, don't ever feel like you are giving too many details or are rambling...it helps to get these things out, in a safe environment, where people know what you are going through and are able to support you.
Now, i don't think that you messed up things for good with your H. I had a mini-breakdown back in December and thought that i had done irreparable damage...but, i didn't. So, don't beat yourself up over it...these things happen b/c we are all human with emotions that are so raw right now.
pointing out how attracted to each other we are, how much we mean to each other, blahblahblah.
I did this last night. I've done it a million times. We are trying to get them to see what we see. It ain't gonna happen. They need to see it for themselves. There was a great quote on here somewhere, and i have it on my computer screen: "You cannot talk your way out of something that you behaved yourself into." Makes sense, right. I am not saying that your separation is your fault. But, as the LBS's we are 50% responsible for what is going on. We need to back up our words with our actions.
so like an idiot decide I will tell him how while we were apart I found myself attracted to someone else, thinking both that it might level the playing field for him (since it seems like his guilt is overwhelming him) and I guess maybe make him think about how he could lose me
Okay, i see the reasons why you did this...i've thought about it. But, probably not the best course to take. As you saw by his reaction, it only fueled his belief that he is making the right decision. But, you learned from it.
the guilt of liking another woman is "unbearable", he shouldn't like anyone else EVER.
I think this is big on his part, especially since it was in a letter that he thought you would never read. He acknowledges that what he is doing is wrong. To me, it seems like his guilt is a major factor in preventing him from reconciling. You need to take advantage of this knowledge by reassuring him that you don't blame and that you do forgive him. Thats it. I know how tempting it is to mention things about ow, even in a kidding way. Only serves to remind them of their guilt.
And in his letter said he could never get past my having "liked someone else".
I think men react differently when their wives have cheated, as opposed to how women react. Nothing against men, i just think it is more of a blow to their ego, in addition to the emotional hurt.
In your opinion, can I now, after all that, now launch into a "last resort technique" - I vented quite a bit, and let my true feelings show, which I haven't in QUITE some time, so I thought maybe now would be a good time to sorta plant the seed in his head that maybe I have had an "awakening" as the book refers to, as if I have reached my limit and am now ready to move on with or without him?
Is this true? Have you reached your limit? If not, then don't do the LRT. When one does the LRT, they have to stand by their decision, and be emotionally ready for the reaction of the spouse. Only do it if you feel that you can walk away if he chooses not to reconcile. Plus, i think it might be early in this to go to the LRT. First, you have to do a "180" and GAL, at the very least. See what happens when you back off from ALL R talk.
I don't think that things are as far gone as you think. Of course, i am not there with you, so only you know how it feels. But, i do believe you have a lot to work with in terms of re-engaging your H back into a R with you. Take it slow. Don't talk about the R or ow. Let it go. There is nothing you can do about her anyway. And it isn't about her. Focus on what you have to do for yourself to make yourself stronger. Don't get discouraged. Remind yourself that we can only make baby steps. And it is hard, when we do take a baby step forward, to want more, so we push for it. But, this is going to take a while. My H and i have been separated for over a year. It took a lot of time to get you to this point. It will take just as much time, if not more, to repair the R. Take it one day at a time. For the time being, let him think about your conversation. Don't bring up any more R talk. Be happy when you talk to him or see him (even if you feel like crap). You have to make your H want to be around you. As the book says, these WAS' don't want to be around some emotional wreck.
I hope that this was helpful for you. Sorry it was so long. Take care of yourself and that little baby!
Thank so much for your reply. It is so very comforting to hear someone say that the damage may not be as drastic as it now feels to me, since all of the friends I talk to about this who have NO idea how it feels, seem to just want me to get over it, and are pretty much done telling me whether or not it is hopeless. They do not get why I even would want him back. And sometimes, I understand that. But then I remember my husband, the one I USED to have, before this insanity. And I remember how horrible and drawn out his mom's death was, and how much he has been thru, and how much I believe he is hurting right now. And I know in my heart that he is not the evil monster that he seems to be right now. For some reason, I feel like if I hang in there for him, despite the pain he is putting me thru, that THAT is what marriage is all about, the unconditional love. Guess it just goes against all of what I thought I believed, about strength. For some reason I feel like it would be weaker to just walk away. I don 't know. But regardless, I really appreciate your support. These boards are a wonderful place.
Hey flutter- But then I remember my husband, the one I USED to have, before this insanity.
I think a lot of us LBS' go through this. Which, in a weird way, is kind of comforting. I mean, sometimes i think that maybe my H just never was the man i thought he was. But, if so many of us are having the same experience, then it must just be something they are going through, as opposed to it being a character flaw. Does that make sense? I don't know. Not that i want to take comfort in anybody else's pain, but it is nice to not feel so alone. Especially when the one person who was supposed to never leave us has done just that.
I think everything that you are feeling is very normal. You will go through periods when you feel like you can conquer anything. And then, there will be times when you just want to give up b/c the pain is unbearable. And i don't know when it ever stops, if it does. But, just know that you are not alone.
I, too, have thought that walking away would be the easier thing to do, and i was not going to take the easy way out. I have always felt that i would have no regrets when it came to trying to save my M. And, so far, i don't. I am just feeling very hopeless, but thats after 15 months.
Anyway, try to hang in there. There will be good days and bad days. Hopefully, soon, the good days will outnumber the bad.
I agree, I think that is why I love reading all of the posts here. It seems impossible that we could all have been married to people we just did not even know. There seems to a very common thread in all of the stories, at least most of them. And I do believe that the concepts of the books make alot of sense, so at the very least we can take comfort in knowing that we have tried everything, right? Do you feel like you didn't appreciate your H before this? I mean, my H was not perfect but for some reason I tended to focus more on the negative than on his many many positive traits. And I always expressed doubt about his love for me, yet now that he has left I feel totally shocked. I try not to beat myself up for anything in the past but right now it is hard. I know he is with OW right now and though I usually block that out, tonite I am sad. Guess it is the snow. They are calling it a blizzard (??) and I just keep thinking about the blizzard we had in 2003 when my daughter was almost one, the three of us were trapped in the house all weekend and we had blast. I miss him so much. Wonder if he misses us. Sorry to be so negative, just a bad day. Hope yours is better.
The snow is having the same effect on me. I love snow and I would love nothing more than to be snowed in with my H. Unfortunately he wants nothing to do with me.
We have so many similarities in our sitchs. Until a couple weeks ago my H and I continued to ML. I'm hoping we'll go back to that soon but I think the reason it stopped is not because my H doesn't want to but because he read up on D laws which say he can't file if we have sex even once.
My H too has been severely impacted by the death of a parent. Our M has not been the same since his dad died a year and a half ago.
Do you feel like you didn't appreciate your H before this? I mean, my H was not perfect but for some reason I tended to focus more on the negative than on his many many positive traits.
I have often agonized over this very same thing. So many times I took my H for granted and regret all of the awful things I said to him. Sometimes I think as much as what I'm going through sucks, it has helped me to appreciate what I had, and to go through a sort of change as a person.
Hi SS Thanks for posting. Your comment on feeling like your H has stopped ML to you because of the D laws makes me think about WHY our Hs want to D us when they are still so attracted to us. My H says he loves me ALOT but is not in love with me. But I always associated those words with feeling like you really love someone but more like a sister or a brother, and would never want to sleep with that person. Almost like the passion had gone. But when the feelings of love and caring are there, and so is the passion - then what is the problem??? I guess the only answer is that the problem is in THEM, with nothing to do with us. No that we didn't play a role in the deterioration of our Ms, in my case it was probably 50/50. But why are we willing to do anything to make it work, yet they are not willing to do anything at all. I think they are terrified, confused and miserable. I just wish it would show more so we wouldn't feel like they are just moving on while we hurt. Know what I mean? As for the death of your FIL affecting your M, any further thoughts on that? B/c though my M was not perfect, I do believe that this would not have happened to us had my MIL not died. In fact, she went into the hospital for the first time the NIGHT my daughter (who is almost 4) was born, and we never had any problems until I was pregnant, so most of the time that our M was weak, my H was also dealing with his mom's terrible illness. Just not showing it. He acted like nothing was wrong the whole time, and still does. I wish I could just hold him while he lets it all out. But that will never happen. I can't help him now - everytime I try I push him farther and farther away.
I have to say honestly that I think my H. took me for granted. He has had to go away alot, even overseas, for long periods of time. We spent 2003 apart from one another; he would come home for a weekend about once a month. I supported this, stayed behind and took care of everything (and I do mean everything) at home so he had nothing to worry about. I am very independent in this way, and although he appreciated it at the time, look at what he's doing now to show it. I almost wish I could say, yeah, I took my H. for granted, and he got sick of that and left. But I can't say that. I think it's the other way around. I'm not perfect at all, but I really did SO much for this man; too much probably.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Quote: No that we didn't play a role in the deterioration of our Ms, in my case it was probably 50/50. But why are we willing to do anything to make it work, yet they are not willing to do anything at all.
I wish I knew the answer to this one also. I have tried and tried to get him to see that there is a chance for us, but he insits on a D and there is nothing that I can say or do that will change his mind. It's really sad for me that I are still committed to him and our marriage and he hasn't been committed to it for (he says) 5 years. Funny he never let me in on that one.
