Wow Tim...I don't know what to say other than I am happy for you and your sitch. Once you became resigned to the fact that this was over, stopped the pursuit and detached she reallly began to see her world crumble. I think that is the key in all this....too many of us try and try...we pay lip service to the DB principles, or at least half-heartedly employ them, but yet we still approach the sitch with too much emotion. I think you turned the corner, it was recognized by your W and I think that was the key. I am truly happy for you. Start with a beginner's mind my friend, take each day as it comes and rekindle your R. Leave the tension and tentativeness behind because it will only make things worse. Above all else, keep up the good work! Keep us posted!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
You know I think I was able to truly detatch when I was able to believe and ACCEPT that my M was over and that a D was coming. Still very emmotionally but when my mind began to accept that decision the DB principles really made sense and started to work. Through all this I never was able to detatch becasue I would not accept that my M was over and that a D was an option. Because I thought like that I was unable to detatch and clear my mind for myself. If I had any advice it is this
Commit to saving your marriage and always have hope that it will happen. Once you are a clear on accept that you may end your M and that a D is an option. Sounds weird I know but you need to be able to accept both options, or you will not be able to move on. I completely denied the option of a D and once I accepted personally I felt myself grow, and GAL was a little easier. Could you do all that while still in a marriage and not have to go through what I did? HEII YAH! Anyways I still have a long journey ahead of me but what ever happens now I can accept without reservation. It makes it so much easier to deal with W and our R. I just hope now my W can put some effort back into our R to make it grow. Only time will tell!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Today was a little like mental gymnastics for me. My W was very emmotional today. She has been feeling rejected and depressed since she has cut the OM out of her life. Well today she broke down and called him! Tough on me but nothing I could! She has been nothing but open and honest with me since she decided to put an effort back into our M, so she told me right away when she called and actually told me before hand that she just felt the uncontrolable urge to call! In the end it was good. We talked almost the whole day about how bad the OM was for her, and how it just about ruined everything between us and our family. She apologized again. She also told me she now understands the pain I must have felt when she first left and how bad feeling rejected is.
I am leaving alot out, but the main thing is that I am still detatched. I am not holding on to every word she is saying, and putting all my emmotions out there. It actually feels good to look at everything that is happening between my W and I right now with an objective eye. I am still watching for all the signs that she is committed to making our R work. All I am doing is listening! I am there for my W. At times it is hard to hear my W cry and complain about the turmoils of the realationship with the OM, but it is in away a cleansing for both of us. I have been firm with my W that I will listen and be there for as a friend first, but that will all end if she continues any form of a realationship with the OM (disfunctional or not)
It is truly like beginning a new R with my W. I am not holding any false hope or expectations. My W is openly saying she wants to go to therapy personally to discuss all her issues because she does not completely understand why she did what she did when she consciously knew it was wrong!
So there is hope out there!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
WOW! I did not realize it has been over 2 weeks since my last post!
Well the unlikely is starting to happen....
It seems that my W is being honest about trying to repair our M! 4 weeks ago I was talking to lawyers about proceeding with a D, and now it seems my W is trying to re-commit to our marriage! By no way am i out of the woods! Not even close! We are just stating the journey of repairing our M. the thing is we are enjoying each others company again. We both want to spend more time together alone and as a family. We are respecting each others personal time. The big thing is we are talking and being open about our feelings. Is this the happy ending? No! My W still has reservations about us, and so do I! I will not have the same marriage again, or put up with the emmotional turmoil we both inflicted on each other. My W has to prove to me she wants me and our M, and I have tocontinue doing the same! We have our slip ups and I wonder if she is committed. The difference is I am not afraid to talk to her about my feelings! I will let her know if I feel insecure. The difference is she does not react negatively to me talking. She wants to know why and understand my feelings.
The biggest hurdle we are working on is her foregiving herself!
After a year she sees the damage that she inflicted on me and the kids. She really feels the pain of that. It took me WANTING a D for her to see it. Right now that is the biggest obstacle for her before she can enter back into our R completely. She feels sometimes it easier to bury the pain and just walk away than deal with it, but she knows that will not help her personally in the long run. We are working on it together by talking to each other honestly.
I thought I would just put a quick up date on the board! Remeber sometimes when you don't think there is any more hope, and you have reached the end of your rope like I did that just around the corner there is something exciting and new that will rejuvinate your soul again!
I am still here with everyone! I am not out of the woods, but remeber there is hope!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
WOW! I did not realize it has been over 2 weeks since my last post!
Well the unlikely is starting to happen....
It seems that my W is being honest about trying to repair our M! 4 weeks ago I was talking to lawyers about proceeding with a D, and now it seems my W is trying to re-commit to our marriage! By no way am i out of the woods! Not even close! We are just stating the journey of repairing our M. the thing is we are enjoying each others company again. We both want to spend more time together alone and as a family. We are respecting each others personal time. The big thing is we are talking and being open about our feelings. Is this the happy ending? No! My W still has reservations about us, and so do I! I will not have the same marriage again, or put up with the emmotional turmoil we both inflicted on each other. My W has to prove to me she wants me and our M, and I have tocontinue doing the same! We have our slip ups and I wonder if she is committed. The difference is I am not afraid to talk to her about my feelings! I will let her know if I feel insecure. The difference is she does not react negatively to me talking. She wants to know why and understand my feelings.
The biggest hurdle we are working on is her foregiving herself!
After a year she sees the damage that she inflicted on me and the kids. She really feels the pain of that. It took me WANTING a D for her to see it. Right now that is the biggest obstacle for her before she can enter back into our R completely. She feels sometimes it easier to bury the pain and just walk away than deal with it, but she knows that will not help her personally in the long run. We are working on it together by talking to each other honestly.
I thought I would just put a quick up date on the board! Remeber sometimes when you don't think there is any more hope, and you have reached the end of your rope like I did that just around the corner there is something exciting and new that will rejuvinate your soul again!
I am still here with everyone! I am not out of the woods, but remeber there is hope!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
I don't know you, but you seem to have your head on straight.
I will not have the same marriage again, or put up with the emmotional turmoil we both inflicted on each other. My W has to prove to me she wants me and our M, and I have tocontinue doing the same!
Bingo. This is exactly where you need to be to get the M you both want and deserve, and M that will be strong and lasting.
The biggest hurdle we are working on is her foregiving herself!
Yahtzee. This will be incredibly hard for her because it will mean taking a hard look at herself and owning some of the things she was projecting onto you. The best thing you can do is help her have the compassion for herself that you have for her. She had to be in a huge amount of pain to make the choices she did, and to have them seem like the best choices at the time. She didn't do it to hurt your or your family, but to try to cope with her pain in the only way she could figure out to at the time.
After a year she sees the damage that she inflicted on me and the kids. She really feels the pain of that. It took me WANTING a D for her to see it.
Buzzer And now, why I really wrote. I beg to differ here... It took YOU wanting a D for YOU to give her the emotional space she needed to gain clarity.
This is what I keep harping on lately... People keep hanging on until they get pushed too far. My question to you, which may help others, is whether you can now see how much it would have helped if you could really have let go and given her the same emotional space by firmly taking your own emotional space (including setting and enforcing pretty significant boundaries) before you were pushed to pursuing a D yourself?? Can you see now how that detachment and letting go would have been a very loving thing at that time rather than a betrayal of love??
My guess is that you can, and I really think you have the right perspective. I'm just pushing on these questions so that others might be helped by your answers.
OT, my friend Tim here, and he truly is someone I can call a friend after all this, would have sent you over the edge of sanity watching him do his thing back in the day. I think the word Tim even became a verb for awhile around here meaning "to backslide and pressure one's spouse", lol.
Seriously, he is doing GREAT right now, and no matter how it happened, it's wonderful to see, it really is. Couldn't have happened to a better guy!
I will let Tim answer your question but I think I know what he will say.
After a year she sees the damage that she inflicted on me and the kids. She really feels the pain of that. It took me WANTING a D for her to see it.
Buzzer And now, why I really wrote. I beg to differ here... It took YOU wanting a D for YOU to give her the emotional space she needed to gain clarity.
This is what I keep harping on lately... People keep hanging on until they get pushed too far. My question to you, which may help others, is whether you can now see how much it would have helped if you could really have let go and given her the same emotional space by firmly taking your own emotional space (including setting and enforcing pretty significant boundaries) before you were pushed to pursuing a D yourself?? Can you see now how that detachment and letting go would have been a very loving thing at that time rather than a betrayal of love??
My guess is that you can, and I really think you have the right perspective. I'm just pushing on these questions so that others might be helped by your answers.
Best, Oldtimer
Thanx OT
To begin with I am not sure if my head was ever screwed on straight but I do feel alot better about myself and the direction my life is going in right now!
In regards to your last quote......
I do feel it was me wanting a D that gave the space in our R! It was a big dose of reality that she needed!
I agree if I could have let go earlier and just set the boundaries it may have never got to that point of me wanting a D. My W never let go of me. She never wanted a D either. The OM was her escape and her way of not dealing with all our M issues. The more I pushed to work things out the more she wanted to run from our problems and use the OM as her escape!
Once I was detatched and let go of her she got scared and realized that the world she was living in was not reality, and was not the answer. She gained clarity, and so did I! Looking back it sounds so easy but as we have all found out it is one of the hardest things in life to do....detatch and set new boundaries from the person you love! We want to hold on so hard because we dont want to lose the person that means so much to us.
You have to let go and be comfortable with the fact that life may have to go on without your spouse. You just can't verbalize it, you have to take true actions. You don't have to go dark, or move out. Just live the life you want to live without the emmotional validation from your spouse.
If you can be happy within yourself and realize that your spouse does not need to be there to feel that, you have detatched. Then you can be honest and be ready to share that happiness with someone, and just hopefully your spouse can see it and be strong enough to want to share the happiness with you!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
Have not changed that much! Just took everyones advice and put it to work for myself! The support I received from people like you GH put me in the place I am right now!
Tim
my story http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=1049617&page=&view=&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&vc=1
And now, why I really wrote. I beg to differ here... It took YOU wanting a D for YOU to give her the emotional space she needed to gain clarity.