This post will hopefuly capture the good, bad and indifferent parts of our romantic life and relationships in 2005 and look at the expectations for 2006. Let me start:
With respect to 2005, my romantic life with my wife is best described as indifferent - ml twice in the year (duty sex at that), deep kissing once, other duty encounters - a few times. All in all a typical year in the monk household.
As for relationships - Unable to meet expectations of wife - quite honestly still not sure what she feels is required of me in this area. Being yelled at doesn't seem to help me understand what she wants of me ( it has only been 25+ years after all)
Economically a great year - funded wife's numerous trips with her friends and our travelling time together as well as many large purchases and retirement savings
Remainder of family - great year with kids, parents and sibblings - better and more frequent contact with all.
Outlook for 2006 - likely more of the same. Wife has no interest in regaining sexual interest. I have no clue how to deal with wife's constant emotional needs - when asked I am told how inadequate I am generally but no specific things to work on. I have given up asking now as I don't enjoy being ridiculed - so no change likely.
Goals for 2006 - try and be happy with my lot in life, obtain satisfaction from relationship with other family members, friends and from work. Don't dwell on sexless marriage as this will not change.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
My 2005 started with us having a 3 month old newborn baby and me in terrible pain. H was supportive but just trying to stay afloat amidst the chaos of 3 little kids and an increasingly stressful job. I went to doctor's visit after visit, with no results. In the beginning--unbeknownst to me--I was mostly tested for STD's, which of course came up negative. I never did find a doctor who was interested in discovering what was the source of my pain.
I was hospitalized in April for laparoscopic surgery to find the source of the pain. The doctor found an appendix ready to burst and took that out and proclaimed me cured. I knew immediately that the pain was not from the appendix. It was not in that area of my body at all. The pain continued. Then I had a colonoscopy..what utter joy that was. The "what in the world is wrong with honeypot" game was abruptly cancelled in late May, due to my husband--the sole breadwinner of our family--being wrongfully terminated from his job. His company was bought out twice and he did not survive the second acquisition. Rather than lay him off and pay him a hefty severance, they opted to fire him, figuring that he'd roll over and take it. He didn't, he was absolutely horrified to have been fired. He fought for the severance and got it. The company had *nothing* on him; he hadn't so much as been late for work one single time. They cited poor performance as the reason for firing him, though he was an exemplary employee. He works in an industry where he deals with hard numbers. His performance, if it was poor, would have shown up immediately. He was gold. Still, these words haunt him and he brings them up far too often for my liking. He is the type of person who does not take criticism easily and will hold on to one negative word spoken for the rest of his life--he can't shake it. Today, he lives in fear that he will be fired again and find himself in that position again. Throughout this, I supported him as best I could.
In late July, I experienced a sudden lessening of pain. I ecstatically told my husband, thinking that he'd want to ML more frequently, but he didn't. In retrospect, I can see that he was suffering from depression due to the job situation but at the time I couldn't seem to get out of the center of the universe chair and I was hurt beyond belief. Something snapped in me and I wanted nothing more to do with him. I felt good will towards him, but no more romantic feelings. I was just done. It felt as if our whole lives were forever going to center around H and his moods, his feelings du jour, his emotional state, his level of tiredness, etc blah blah. I couldn't take it anymore and everything just evaporated.
I detached from him and have felt intense feelings of guilt ever since. This was the time when my H needed me the most and I withdrew my love. Suddenly I had an attentive, tuned in husband. He was strong and constant in his love and desire and slowly drew me back to him.
By September we were doing better and my physical pain was starting to let up. I now believe it is endometriosis. It still hurts but only a small amount. I no longer mention it to my husband, as it only complicates his sexual feelings. When/if it gets bad enough to again seek out medical attention, I will tell him. Until then, I'm on a strict don't ask, don't tell policy!
H got a new job in July, which he hates. Despite detesting his job, he has maintained his elevated level of being tuned into me and our R. The things that used to completely derail him (kids, need for sleep, job stress) now are small blips on his radar. His behavior has changed entirely. Consequently the Relationship Behavior has changed. Whereas before we were in a sorta endless loop of wild ups and downs, we are now on a constant, steady stream of gooooooodness. It is exhilarating.
On New Year's Eve, H and I were reliving the past year. I asked him what was the highlight of 2005 and he started and stopped many times. Finally he said, "You know I keep thinking of things where we took a bad situation and made the best of it but that's not really a highlight. The real highlight for me is the very last part of the year. The time when I rediscovered my wife. I feel totally different about you, I see you differently, it's like the scales have dropped. Our sex life is great and I'm so attracted to you...before I was attracted to you, but anything and everything got in the way of that. Now I want you more and more every day."
I was flabbergasted! We never could have had a conversation like that a few years ago. We simply did not have the level of intimacy required to talk about such, well, intimate things.
In conclusion, this year sucked. I still feel the pall of 2005 hanging over me..but I feel rejuvenated and reinforced because at the beginning of the year we were two individual people doing their own thing and sometimes our paths would converge. Now we are truly acting as a team.
2005 can kiss my azz and I look forward to 06 and the continuation of The Good Stuff.
You have had quite the rollcoaster ride in 2005 - constant unidentified pain can be very depressing but you don't seem to have fallen into long fits of the blues. Hopefully you can fully resolve your medical issues in 2006 rather than having a nagging feeling that the pain could return. Hopefully you and your spouse will be able to keep a fresh attitude around the refound joy in your relationship. Your situation is uplifting given what you have been through and bodes well for a happy 2006!
Quote: "The real highlight for me is the very last part of the year. The time when I rediscovered my wife. I feel totally different about you, I see you differently, it's like the scales have dropped. Our sex life is great and I'm so attracted to you...before I was attracted to you, but anything and everything got in the way of that. Now I want you more and more every day."
It doesn't get any better than that. Nice job, HP!
Oh Honey...that's amazing. I am SO happy for you and your H. I think it takes a lot for a couple to get that connnected. This was so wonderful to hear.
2005-pfffttbbbbtt! Hurray for 2006!
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
