Hey, guys. Thanks so much. I've learned my lesson ... again. . It's so funny. I talked myself out of it for 30 minutes before I did it. Literally. I told myself it was the wrong thing to do. That I would hang up and feel like sh!t. I even asked myself what I was going to say to him. And I knew this time would be no different. This is the way it shakes out every single time. But something told me to do it. And I did. Unfortunately. But ya know what? Maybe it's what I needed to do. Like I said, I do this about every other month, then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and I'm ready for another month-or-so.
I guess I won't beat myself up too much. I'm happy that I still don't know where he is living. I'm really feeling better already. And I acutally *did* call my sis and had a long cry. We just got off the phone, actually. Of course she didn't help much. No one knows what to say because this is such a freakish event.
Everyone keeps telling me that I've got him by the balls legally. It's hard for them to understand that he's got me emotionally. And right now, I'd rather have an emotional advantage than a legal one, any day.
Keep me straight, guys. I'm gonna need it.
And ka_zump, it's really good to hear from you again! Thought I'd lost you over in Separated!
As I read your post, I was eerily reminded of the things H said to me when we first seperated. Sounded very much the same. I don't know what that means but I have a hard time believing that someone who has been with you for that long has 0 feelings for you. He just may not see them right now. I guarantee he does. Only time will tell if he will pull his head out of his butt or shove it up a little further. I guess what I'm saying is don't believe what he is saying right now because even he doesn't know what he is saying.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Hey, Becca! (and caverna!) Glad to hear from you again. I *know* you're right. These are the same things he said to me with the first bomb in September. I guess now it just seems more real, since he's gone ... and possibly living with OW.
You know what I think I realized? The reason for my sadness tonight isn't that I miss the drama of him living across the street -- God knows that's a blessing -- and it isn't really that this feels like the final nail in the coffin. It's that, for the first time since H left, I feel alone. I'm in this big house alone. Of course I have been since he left. But there was possibly a bit of security in knowing that my H was nearby. In case someone broke in. In case I needed something fixed. In case I go into labor. Granted, he wasn't always there. But I knew he would be sooner than later.
And now, I just feel alone. It all seems really *real* now -- that I'm gonna be preggo by myself, deliver this baby by myself, and raise my son by myself. Wow. That's a lot to digest, isn't it?
I'd rather have an emotional advantage than a legal one, any day. Ain't it the truth?! You know what GF, at least we're feeling and it's genuine. I wish I could shed all those feelings too! Just when I think I have them wrapped up in logic and I'm feeling strong, they wiggle their way loose. I'm taking this as a good sign though.. that we can still love and feel even though we've been kicked around a bit.
So yeah, you caved a little today, and learned something, and maybe it helped you work through some of what you've been needing to get out and say. No need to beat yourself up for it. No one can remain a pillar of strength through all of this.. even us tough girls
Hey P&DB, Sorry to hear about your "Crash". I have had many of those. I guess when I would do it, I somehow thought maybe something that I would say would "click" and he would realize what an idiot he was being. And everytime, I would get kicked back down. But you know what, as much as I hated being kicked, I don't regret saying anything I have said to him, b/c at that time, I meant it. He is the one who will suffer without me and his kids. And everytime I would try and talk him back into reality is just another time he will have to remeber that he was stupid for not listening to me. Another thing is, everytime he kicked me down, I grew stronger b/c of it. Each time, I cried less, and it hurt less to hear "I have no feelings for you." I don't know if I will ever try again to give him some rope to change his mind, b/c the point I am now, is I'm done. I still want it to work, but there comes a point where a person has to have self respect.
There will be a day where your husband regrets what he has done. He may never tell you, but my guess is he will. He is obviously running away right now, but it is his loss. Just keep your head up, and don't feel bad or stupid for calling him. The way I see it is that it shows that you really love your H, and are willing to take a stand for your marriage, which is why you took the vows. Don't be ashamed of that. I always felt stupid about letting my guard down and calling, but I love him, and it's not crazy for people to want there marriage to work out.
Keep your head up, and rub that tummy!
Dontfret
PS My little girl is due in 5 weeks! I think she'll be here sooner though.
I'm baaack! . Sheila and dontfret, thanks for your responses last night. Sheila, I'm so glad you're around; I need to be reminded from time to time that even strong folks have moments of weakness.
dontfret, I'm so anxious to hear about how your life changes in, oh, about 5 weeks!
I'm feeling tons better today. Relieved is a good word. And I think I've figured out a couple things. I know this is going to sound weird, but I believe I have an emotional cycle which lasts about a month. By the end of the month, I'm emotionally drained. Why do I pick up the phone to call H? It seems to be a weakness. But is it? I dunno, but I'm beginning to think that maybe the reason I call him -- especially when I know he's gonna be rude -- it because I'm kinda depending on him to keep me at the top of my game. By month's end, I'm at the bottom of an emotional barrel. When he's such as a$$ when I call him, it kinda picks me back up and puts me back on top. He reminds me why it is that I don't want to salvage a R with him.
It's an interesting concept. Hopefully I'll last more than a month this time. I really do think it'll help that we're not neighbors anymore.
I'm also not beating myself up for calling H because I don't think it was really the wrong thing to do. Granted, if I was trying to save my M, it wouldn't have been the best decision. But at this point, I'm trying to "show" him that he and I can be friends, even while OW is in the picture. And why do I feel that's important? Because I'll be having his son in about 4 months, and I'd really like for my son to have at least a part-time father. And I would like to be able to get along with that man.
In reality, I'm trying to protect my H even though I should have learned by now that he doesn't want my protection, and I don't owe it to him. But there's something inside of me, nagging me to show him that he and I can co-parent this child, and be civil to one another, regardless of the circumstances leading to our separation.
But I had a wise friend point out to me that I've made that clear to H. I don't have to keep making it clear. So I'll try not to. I'll just be anxious to see how my mind and heart responds to H's moving. I'm praying it's gonna help. I'd love nothing more than not to see or talk to my H -- and not be sad about it -- for four months. I would *love* to be skinny again and lookin' smokin' the next time he lays eyes on me. Wouldn't that be fun??? Maybe that should be my goal, huh?
Hey pregoo, excellent goal. Boost yourself up by starting topick out theoutfit that's gonna break his heart now,LOL. Glad to see you "up" again. On the next month's down time,I'll be turning 40 so we can commiserate together.
A little update. I had called H to let him know that I had plenty of extra towels, dishes, etc. in case he needed some initial help stocking up his new crib. I had to leave a voice mail, and that was about lunchtime.
He just called me back, which surprised me. He said, "Don't you remember our deal? You can have everything in the house. That was the agreement." He said he went out last night and bought all the "essentials." He laughed and said, "I got $18 pots at Wal-Mart. I'm good to go." I told him I had more than enough stuff here, if he thought of anything he needed. I also reminded him that the recent court order (the division of marital property) he filed on me would trump any arrangement that the two of us had made informally. He said he didn't want anything in the house, and stated (for the third time) that he had dropped that order. I told him that neither my L nor I had been notified that the action had been dropped, and we are planning to respond by Jan. 21 (60 days after the papers were served on me).
H wasn't happy. He said he called his L soon after I caught him with OW and told him he wanted to drop the order. H said, "I told him that I was gonna get f*cked now, so I don't need a lawyer anymore; I just want my money back." (He paid a purty hefty retainer fee to get divorced.) I told H that I didn't know what was going to happen, but that the sitch would come to a standstill if he dropped that order because I'm not initiating any legal action as long as I'm in this house. I told him that the only thing I would do is file for child support once the baby's born, and that I won't file for D because I don't want one, and I don't want that on my conscience.
He said, "I still want the D, and I still want the house situation resolved. How do I file for D?"
I swear, the boy is freakin' clueless. I told him, obviously, he'd have to have his L serve me with papers next September (one year after he left me). I told him that by then, I'd be ready to sign the D papers, and that I don't plan to fight him on it.
I said that I plan to stay put until the baby's born, and then I would be moving. Only then, I told him, would I serve him with papers re: spousal support. I reminded him that a lot could change from now 'til September. I'm not sure if I believe that myself.
It was a rather confusing conversation. Really weird to talk about those things. But at least it was civil. I finally got tired of giving him legal advice and asked if he was sure he didn't need anything more from the house. I told him I'd prolly be throwing away a lot of towels and things 'cause we have way too many. He said, "Well, if you're going to get rid of them, go 'head and put them in a box and put them in the garage. I can take them to use as rags."
Dude, send me a few of those towels, ours are getting pretty sparse. You could always remind him that he did sleep with you when....beginning of December and that is when he could file...that would really make him and OW happy!
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
. It's so funny. I talked myself out of it for 30 minutes before I did it. Literally. I told myself it was the wrong thing to do. That I would hang up and feel like sh!t. I even asked myself what I was going to say to him. And I knew this time would be no different. This is the way it shakes out every single time. But something told me to do it. And I did. Unfortunately. But ya know what? Maybe it's what I needed to do. Like I said, I do this about every other month, then I pick myself up, dust myself off, and I'm ready for another month-or-so.
. Sheila and dontfret, thanks for your responses last night. Sheila, I'm so glad you're around; I need to be reminded from time to time that even strong folks have moments of weakness. 
