Sue, I figured that.thats why i didn't expect you to give it out.well i think its safe here.i'm pretty sure my wife has been looking at my threads.ive taken your advice,and got rid of thoughts of getting involved with anyone else.its not worth it.i'm not really ready anyway. your wrote on another site,for me to cut ,paste and e-mail.do you think thats a good idea?also i cant remember whos thread it was.i got to go,kids driving me crazy,with homework. peace
Sal, It was Argus's thread She is going to OCT. 2nd seminar - good or bad? I think.
anyways Peter and I have talked about this before. I wanted to show my H Peters posts and he wanted to show his W my posts. the thing is everyone has to learn their own lessons at their own pace on their journey. you can send her all the copies of posts you think that would be good but how she will receive them I dont know ... you know her best how do think she would take it? as pressure or so what 'Sues obviously an idiot.... I have a very long post on Karen Dewitts thread in 180 forum "no longer the victim" I am sure many H's would wish their W's would read that one. But the conclusion that Peter and I came to was that they are just not where we are yet. He did say he has saved some of them and let her know of them if she would like to read them.
I did save posts but never gave them to her because I felt that she would not accept them in the spirit given. That is the key. There is much here that would help our spouses but many do not want the help because they do not see what they are doing is wrong. Perhaps when my W really gets to working on herself I will give them to her.
Sue,Peter, I know you are right.I, like everyone else,am looking for that certain thing to knock down the wall she has built.It's in gods hands. iknow she'll be back.i just hope,i'll have all the nessesary tools to make things better for all.I really don't know how you women do it.the kids are really demanding.no wonder you don't need us guys hasseling you.Is there any way of adding an extra six hours to the day?Thanx and peace
Someone said something unkind about me. Are my feelings hurt? Yes. Should they be? No. How do I overcome my hurt? By detaching myself, "turning off", until I can figure out what lies behind it. If it was retaliation for an unkindness I did, let me correct my fault if not, I have no reponsiblity in the matter. Should I ignore or challenge? No, I iwll let it go; least said, soonest mended. Nothing can hurt me unless I allow it to. When I am pained by anything that happens outside of myself, it is not that thing which hurts me, but the way I think and feel about it.
Let me not take to myself, and suffer over, the actions and reactions of other people. Other adult human beings are not my responsiblilty, no matter how closely their lives may be interwined with mine. I will not allow myself to be troubled by anyone else; my one problem is to improve my own way of living and looking at life.
"God teach me to detach my mind from what others say and do, except to draw helpful lessons and guidance from them."
I havent updated this thread in a while, and really dont have time today. However I am bringing it back so newcommers can find it. being that detachment is so important in DBing.
Sue: Just found your thread and detaching with love is what I need to do. I am a classic co-dependent. No drugs or alcohol..simply dependent on H. My thread is newcomers Life is a Mess. H wants out. He loves me, cares about me but has been thinking about ending this for a while. Left after last child went to college. He told counselor (we went once...I go) he is at zero about being in this marriage. I don't want to give up. We were separated five years ago and he came home...but he seems more adamant this time. I feel like I am dying of a broken heart. He says he will do nothing legal if I am so unstable...so why get better. I even went to a co-dependency clinic (Caron Foundation) for a week....helped me but he is not closer to wanting to work on this. I beg him, plead etc. All the DB's no-nos. I am afraid of growing old without him....I feel lost and scared and unsafe without him not to mention the loneliness and emptiness. I keep wondering if I could detach if that would bring him back. He simply wants to move on in his life....can't give real reasons. He has been unfaithful before...I am just like you describe a codependent: wanting things the way I want them, control,...but no in a vicious or mean way. i simply want to make his life easier. Got any more helpful hints. I feel like I have lost the will for anything.
I'm new, I do mostly reading. I'm familiar with your story, I run into your advice throughout the board. You and Zyg are my mentors, you both are commited to helping others. Anyways 12 years, you won a war, I really admire you. I never fought for anything, dont like confrontations, arguing, or power struggles, I give it to them let them have it. Now my husband wants out, I want to fight. I love him very much and the pain is more than I can take especially when I feel like I'v been replaced. I tell more like yell: that he's a liar and a cheater. I told him he had to move out and he did. Now he calls more then ever even more affection more respectful and says he is confused. I know my rope has lost alot of yardage, and now more thin. I have to be smarter. Any advice from you will be welcomed. Thanks,
sera,
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[This message has been edited by sera (edited 12-02-1999).]
Ronnie, I saw your threads and I see you are gettin loads of great advice! keep working on you and focus on where you want to go. Dont focus on the mess thats a stumbling block look at how to use the stumbling block as a stepping stone.
sera, thank you so much that is so kind of you to say.
have you read A womans guide to changing her man by Michele? its great. you might really like it and get a lot out of it. Its funny too so its pleasant reading. Pondering was my mentor when I came here and was new. I hoped that one day I would be able to give advice like she does she was just amazing to me I would get so excited when I came upon her posts. and then one day she replied to me and I felt like I just met a celebrity
I will take a look at your thread when I can to see if theres anything I can add but I am sure you have received all the best advice so far. working on you and reading here is great you are really taking control of your situation just by realizing you have things to work on and are figuring out what they are and you are seeking answers! great first big step!
take care! Sue
I think Zyg is pretty great too! I like the way he gives so many good questions and great perspectives. there are many great people here at this site. I was just writing today how grateful I am for this BB
[This message has been edited by Sue (edited 12-02-1999).]
