Hi fellow DB family. We are all here in recovery together and I believe we all need the Detachment Tool! I for one need to get it down better so I am going to work on it here with you, and try to really ingrain it my brain.
Now I realize not everyone here has a spouse that is an addict or in recovery for an addiction of some sort however, I have read that the infatuation is compared to an amphetimine high and can really take hold of a person. Since many here have spouses who are involved in an EA, or PA and are confused about what they are feeling and some think they are "in love" when actually what they are in is ifatuation. So this might help you.
One of the hardest, but most important goals for people close to an individual in recovery to learn, is todetach from the behaviors/substance abuse process and continue to love the person.
What does detachment mean? It can sound frightening, given that everyone's life (espcially family members) has revolved around the chemically dependent person--always trying to anticipate what will happen next, covering up for them, etc. Detaching with love is an attitude which is associated with behaviors that are not controlling.
What does controlling mean? Controlling behavior is the need to have people, places and life with "shoulds" and "ought to be." Not expressing your feelings honestly, but with self-centerdness and manipulation of the environment around you. Feeling okay if things are the way you want them to be regardless of the needs or desires of others. It is a behavior that comes from fear -- fear of the unknown, of "falling apart" if people and situations are not the way you want them to be. It is a symptom of a family or systems dysfunction. It is a reaction to the substance abuse that evolves out of feeling increasing responsiblility for the substance abusing person.
As the illness within the substance-abusing individual progresses so do the projections:"If it were not for you I would not drink to drink/use other substances." Statements like this contribute to a derterioration of self-worth with the result being that you believe that you are the key to change this awful mess by controlling your world, and the people in it. You become exhausted, frustrated and resentful. Resentment comes from people not doing what you wnat them to do --and resentment kills love.
You must accept that: 1) chemical dependency is an illness 2) You did not cause it 3) You cannot control it 4) You cannot cure it
Detaching from the illness and the substance-abusing individual's behaviors allows them to take responsibility for themselves--and allows you to be free to feel the love for the individual.
When you begin taking care of yourself and doing and being responsible for yourself, you have the key to peace, serenity, sanity, and really feeling good about who you are.
Sue,i'm sorry for posting here.but i need to tell you something.but not on my threads,or in newcomers.please e-mail me the grouch99@erols.com...i dont expect your e-mail address,cause you have an addittion to computers.i dont want to be an enabler. well at least my sence of humor is returning.thanks for everything Sue. peace
Sue, thanks for starting this tread about detachment. This is something I am struggling with also. My daughter married in August. Her husband is a recovering drug addict. He goes to meetings and has been doing great for several years. He suggested that my daughter go to the alanon meetings also. I think I will go with her. Thanks again for sharing your insight. Nicole
Detaching is not detaching from the person whom we care about, but from the agony of involvement.
Detachment is something we must do first! before we can begin to work on ourselves, to live our own lives, feel our own feelings, and solve our own problems until we have detached from the object of our obsession. It appears that even our Higher Power cant do much with us until we have detached.
Attachement is becoming overly -involved, sometimes hopelessly entangled.
Attachment can take several froms:
* we may become excessively worried abut, and preoccupied with, a problem or person (our mental energy is attached).
*Or, we may graduate to becoming obsessed with and controlling of the people and problems in our enviroment (our mental, physical, and emotional energy is directed at the object of our obsession).
* we may become reactionaries, instead of acting authentically of our own volition (our mental, emotional, and physical energy is attached).
* We may become emotionally dependent on the people around us (now were really attached).
* WE may become caretakers (rescuers, enablers) to the people around us (firmly attaching ourselves to their need for us).
Overinvolvement of any kind may keep us in a state of chaos. Worrying and obsessing keep us so tangled in our heads we cant solve our problems. Whenever we become attached in these ways to someone or something, we become dtached from ourselves. We lose touch with ourselves. WE forfeit our power and ability to think feel act and take care of ourselves. We lose control.
Detachment is not a cold hostile withdrawal; a resigned, despairing acceptance of anything life and people throw our way; a robotical walk through life oblivious to and totally unaffected by people and problems. Nor is it a removal of our love and concern.
Ideally dtachemnt is releasing or detaching from a person or problem in love. WE mentally emotionally and smetimes phusically disengage oursleves from unhealthy and frequently painful entanglements with another persons life and reponsibilities, and from problems we cannot solve, according to a handout, entitled "Detachment." that has been passed around al-anon groupos for years.
Detachment is based on the premises that each person is responsible for himself, htat we cant solve problems that arent ours to solve, and that worrying doesnt help. Keep our hands off of other peoples responsibilities. Detachment involves present moment living-living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. we relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future we make the most of each day. Also accepting reality - the facts. It requires faith - in ourselves, in God, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.
Detaching does not mean we dont care. It means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and enviroments. We become free to care and to love in ways that help others and dont hurt ourselves.
The rewards of from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and receive love in self-enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real soulutions to our problems.
I know you have problems. I understand that many of you are deeply grieved over, and concernd about, cerain people in your lives. Many of htem may be destroying themselves, you, and your family, right before your eyes. But I cant do anything to control those people; and you probably cant either. If you could you would have done it by now.
Detach. Detach in love, or dteach in anger, but strive for detachment. It will become easier with practice.
Activity
1. Is there a problem or person in your life that you are excessively worried about? Write about that person or problem. Write as much as you need to write to get it out of your system. When you have written all you need to write about that person or problem, focus on yourself. What are you thinking? What are you feeling?
2. How do you feel about detaching from that person or problem? What might happen if you detach? Will that probably happen anyway? How has staying "attached"--worrying obsessing trying to control -- helped so far?
3. If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different from what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living your life, feeling and behaving that way -- in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize His hands placing in Gods hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize His hands gently and loving ly holding tht person or willingly accepting that problem. Now visualize His hands holding you. All is wel for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well--better than you think.
So, were you thinking of me when you started this thread? I was doing pretty good at detaching but recently as the dreaded Aniversary date has approached, I feel the walls closing in on me. Thanks for starting this thread. I think it will help many of us.
As your excercises go, I am constantly working on #1. I don't think that I can really do #3 right now. I am having a real hard problem seeing my life without "the problem." What I can see of it is not particularly nice. It often looks like an empty place. That is something I need to get past. I do feel that I have lost much of me in this and need to find out who Peter is again. Perhaps a new book from amazon will help. I'll post details to all of you when I get it.
Let's see, #2
2. How do you feel about detaching from that person or problem? What might happen if you detach? Will that probably happen anyway? How has staying "attached"--worrying obsessing trying to control -- helped so far?
Detaching will help me to get back on center. I expect that it will help he to find me. I fear that detaching will just help her to continue down the path away from us, but intellectually (sp), I know that that is not the case. My brain knows that if I do not detach, those fears will come true anyway and I will continue to be confused, hurt, and unhappy. The hard part is that leap of faith, when much that you have counted on in your life has vanished. Eeek!
Anyway, those are the thought of someone who is trying deaperately to detach and have faith. I think the lack of faith makes it much harder. You do things for yourself, you try to make changes, you spend much of the day trying to be a positive person, but at night when the lights go out the reality bites very hard.
A little too deep for a borderline geek.
Thanks again Sue. Where do I send the check for this Therapy session?
my wife and i smoked weed our entire 20 year relationship and I have recently stopped 2 years ago because i just got sick of be preoccuped all the time with and our kids were beggining to wonder what we were doing of already knew. So I quit but my W CANT I THINK SHE wants to but cant and it is making us grow apart when I aske her to stop/get help or something she gets mad and just says dont worry about her. But it has to stop sooner or later. Any advice on what I can do to help her. This is my secondary problem, pease read my other post under newcommers _HELP SAVE MY MARRIAGE- I need lots of feedback and encouragment thank you
Nicole, I felt this was just a necessity here! you are more then welcome to contribute what you have learned too. the more help the better.
Peter, at first I had myself and the others who are involved with addicts in mind, kinda what I had originally planned for my special circumstances thread but it turned into a thread on Sues situation instead and not what I meant to happen. As I was thinking about it, it just seems like everyone here really needs it. as I typed everyones diferent situations came to mind. Chris has it down, so he's not allowed just kidding, actually we could really use his input here. I think you did good Peter, you also recognized the need to work on your faith. So work on it!
Douglas, I must admit chuckled when I read your post, not at you, but I understand how you feel. the thing is, you cant control another, were learning here to detach and let them be responsible for themselves. You are asking me to give you pointers on controlling her in a way. You can talk to her but the thing is if she dosnt want to stop or see the need to stop she wont, and theres nothing you can do about it. However when you are dealing with an addict. You can and should set boundaries. My H is an alcoholic. Believe me I spent 12 years trying everything there is to do to get him to stop drinking, begging, crying, pleading, threatining, refusing to have sex, giving him all the sex he wanted, dumping out his booze, watering down his booze, hiding his keys, his credit cards, telling everyone about his problem and how much he drank. He couldnt stop he was powerless over the alcohol. In the end he had to be detoxed for a week just to go to the 30 day inpatient rehab. While in family week there I met many others who all did all the many to get their addicts to quit, we all joked about being married to the same man. We spent a long time learning that we spent so much time worrying and obsessing over the addict we lost ourselves, we didnt even know how we felt anymore. the first day we all sat in a circle one by one we had to say who we were why we were there and how we felt. Each person when it came time to tell how they felt, talked about the addict not about themselves. I was the only one there who said "I feel like I lost myself, and I just dont FEEL anymore" I felt like an idiot becuase I didnt answer like everyone else. when we were done, it turned out I was one step ahead because I already realized I had lost my self and my feelings were numb. They said it takes a long time usually just to get us "Codependents" to realize that.
If you have talked to your W about the problem and how its affecting the family, and she still refuses to hear you, which usually they cant because their minds just dont work right and think right because they are sick. You can do a Intervention, they often run aobut $1500 the thing is most people who get help only can be helped if they truly want it.
the think about boundaries. You can say I will not ask you to stop but I will not tolerate it in my home. So its their option to continue but they just may not do it around you. Then its their choice. I will get more into Boundaries after we have gone through Detachment thoroughly.
take care all, Sue
Sal its okay, sorry I didnt get to you earlier, but my H monitors my e-mail. He would flip if I gave it out.
What do you mean I am not allowed to contribute on your thread after you hi-jacked mine!!
My experience, limited as it is, has taught me that detachment a key. It's only when you detach from the pain and suffering from the situation that you can see through to future possibilities. My W's EA was an addiction. An addiction for immediate attention. I don't think that is too much different from other more defined addictions.
Without detaching from her actions and behaviors I would never have had a chance to really see why she was doing what she was. I really think she still has no idea how much pain she has caused me. But does that matter? Once detached maybe it doesn't?
Thanks for an opportunity to explore a few thoughts here Sue you have certainly given me something to think about.
guess what? Last night before I put my 8 yo to bed we had a long talk. She wanted to know about what I do on my computer. So I showed her about this thread. She wanted to see it. So I pulled it up and she and I read through my Post on here with the activities. She thought it was great and did the activities! She said she felt much better. It turns out her big worry right now is daddys smoking! She is now working on detachment.
just kidding, actually we could really use his input here.